


The Other Side of the Night

by SomeKndOfNature



Series: Bone of His Bone and Flesh of His Flesh [1]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst, Chaptered, Drama & Romance, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Humor, Introspection, Suspense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-01-22 15:15:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 23
Words: 115,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21304178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeKndOfNature/pseuds/SomeKndOfNature
Summary: The Other Side of the Night follows Rose Tyler and her unexpected return to the TARDIS during the year that never was. It has been a long separation for Earth's defender and she is not the same girl she once was. She is having a difficult time coming to terms with some major changes to her physiology, as well as battling her personal demons, while hiding from the Master. She needs to find her Doctor and reverse this hellish year.  But will he accept her even if she not same woman who was ripped away from him years ago?The Doctor is done. Captivity under the Master's thumb has been difficult to endure and he is sure that, even after this year is over, he will not have anyone left to lessen his loneliness. When the sudden appearance of a mysterious new companion shakes him from his melancholy and offers him new chance at hope, he is almost afraid to take it. But there is something familiar about this woman's quiet acceptance of his eccentricities and uncanny ability to understand his hearts. Is she the answer to his never ending loneliness and will even allow himself the chance to try?
Relationships: Tenth Doctor/Rose Tyler
Series: Bone of His Bone and Flesh of His Flesh [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1943524
Comments: 119
Kudos: 259





	1. No Spell That I Could Cast Would Ever Bring You Back Too Soon

**Author's Note:**

> So, I have this story posted on Teaspoon but I thought it was time to branch out...reach a bigger audience. This is a rewrite of a story I made a long time ago and I am so pleased with the result. I hope you like it. 
> 
> Also, something to note is that music plays a huge roll in my life and writing. It provides heaps of inspiration, as I'm sure it does for a lot of us, so if anyone is interested, I'll drop my main inspiring songs for my stories right here in the first chapter. Look them up and give them a listen if you like.
> 
> The Other Side of the Night - The Rembrandts  
Intro - The xx  
And I Love Her - The Beatles  
Life on Earth - Snow Patrol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose is in trouble and reaching the end of her rope. How will she get out of this mess without succumbing to the peace we all search for.

Rose Tyler stared up at the bright white ceiling above her and fought the urge to shriek with fury. Though she couldn’t even if she tried, as even drawing a ragged painful breath was more energy than her battered body could spare at the moment. Hungry for a change of scenery Rose let her head drop to the side. She glared hard at another white wall, fighting off tears. White…how the bloody hell did these fuckers know that she despised the color or lack thereof? White…empty, desolate, heartbreaking, white. Her heart gave a wild flutter and repressed tears made her throat ache. Gritting her teeth, Rose squeezed her eyes shut and let her mantra roll through her mind. It focused her, reminding her of better times.

_Blue Black Brown Gold Green Blue  
Blue Black Brown Gold Green Blue_

As her heart rate slowed, Rose concentrated on the growing pain in her body, forcing her mind back from the brink of madness. She gasped as the agony in her chest sharpened her thoughts. Her eyes flew open and she groaned at the sight that once again greeted her. All this white… When she was first brought to this Torchwood prison, she tried to trick her mind, to broker a bid for sanity by telling herself that it wasn’t the absence of color. By definition, white represents all colors, all at once, a full spectrum of color for her eyes to feast on. Now she saw it for what it really was…nothingness…a void. When she now imagined that harrowing non-realm between universes, she no longer thought of a dark maw of black but of never-ending white. She laughed at herself these days for believing she left the last white wall she ever hoped to look upon in a Torchwood laboratory filled with too many memories and a smoking dimension cannon that marked the greatest failure of her life. She’d been wrong, so, so wrong. 

_Blue Black Brown Gold Green Blue  
Blue Black Brown Gold Green Blue_

White surrounded her now, white walls, white ceilings, white exam tables, white scrubs. The people who managed this facility had stolen every color from her life. No blue or green eyes from the doctors (or butchers as she preferred to call them), who always wore masks and goggles to protect their identities. She hadn’t even managed a good glimpse of her honey brown eyes in the two years since she was entombed here. The blonde waves of her hair were shorn to her scalp and never given a chance to grow. Even her skin, which hadn’t seen sunshine in two years, had developed a stark and horrifying pallor. White became her whole world, well white…and red. 

_Blue Black Brown Gold Green Blue  
Blue Black Brown Gold Green Blue_

The red of her blood that pooled on their exams tables, coated their latex gloves, and dripped from their ‘medicinal’ instruments of torture. Their blood caked under her fingernails and staining her teeth as she fought back with whatever tools were available to her. Their ‘exams’ always took on a sadistic spin after days where her fighting spirit got the better of her, culminating in today’s round of horror. In the past, she was subjected to a barrage of medical tests: regular bone marrow withdrawals, spinal taps, and biopsies of whatever organ they felt pertinent at the time. Craniotomies that sometimes lasted for hours were, normally, her most dreaded task but today’s vivisection topped them all. 

_Blue Black Brown Gold Green Blue  
Blue Black Brown Gold Green BLUE_

Rose’s eyes fell shut and twin streaks of tears dropped down the sides of her face to pool in her ears. She concentrated on taking even breaths as pain began to heighten her senses. Their numbing agents were wearing off and Rose welcomed the agony. For as much as they thought they were being humane by numbing her against their torments, there was something especially horrifying about not even getting the release of pain when you heard your chest plate cracked open. Her brain had cried out that this was wrong but her body had felt nothing…until now. It began as a dull throb and was now growing to eclipse anything else in her mind. She whimpered and repeated the words again. 

_Blue Black Brown Gold Green Blue  
BLUE BLACK BROWN GOLD GREEN BLUE_

She shouted the words inside her head; it was her lifeline. It reminded her of why she kept holding onto this paltry existence. There was good once and she cherished the colorful, precious memories with the fierceness of a woman who that they were all she had left. Once, there were the icy blue eyes of her first Doctor filled with rage and anguish but that looked on her with tenderness. Once, there was his black leather coat that she clung to during moments of crisis or huddled into when he draped it around her shoulders inside the bowels of one prison or another. She wished he were here to offer it now. She was so cold. The agony in her chest flamed and smoldered. It took her long moments to battle it back as she pushed the memories through her head. 

_Blue Black Brown Gold Green Blue  
BLUE BLACK BROWN GOLD GREEN BLUE_

Her next Doctor, a study in brown with chestnut hair defied the laws of gravity and always tempted her fingers with its silky texture. His coffee pinstripe suit hugged his lean frame, always just a bit too tight, especially in the bum area but you would never find her complaining. The tan coat, given to him by Janis Joplin, that trailed behind him as he ran, pell-mell, toward danger like a superhero’s cape. Even though, he had always looked more Clark Kent than Superman in his sexy glasses that framed chocolate brown eyes no less intense than their blue counterparts. It always marveled her that, although a lot of things changed with his regeneration, his eyes managed to remain the same in their ability to see straight through her and whisper all the words she longed to hear aloud. As always, thoughts of her beloved Doctor sent arcs of blinding pain through her head but she pushed on. 

_Blue Black Brown Gold Green Blue  
BLUE BLACK BROWN GOLD GREEN BLUE_

He wouldn’t be complete without the TARDIS…his home…their home, as she had come to think of it. Her rough coral walls always vibrated with life and affection under Rose’s fingertips. Her console, its vibrant glass column lighting the room with an inviting green glow that always made her feel comfortable and safe. It was baffling how the impossibly sentient machine had become her friend in many ways. Maybe it was silly, but, since the moment she looked into her heart, it felt as if the TARDIS was the only one that truly understood her, her hopes, her dreams, her secret desires. And in her way, the TARDIS was able to sympathize, if not empathize, with the small human onboard. Rose missed her almost as much as her Time Lord, with her soft lighted windows and the bluest blue she had ever seen in her life. Another tear slipped from her eye as she clung the image of her Doctor and his TARDIS. _Home. _ It would always be home no matter how long she was away or if she never returned again. 

_BLUE BLACK BROWN GOLD GREEN BLUE  
BLUE BLACK BROWN GOLD GREEN BLUE_

Her silent prayer grew louder and more furious in her head but it was no use. The pain was beginning to eclipse everything else. Her weakness was frustrating and, obstinate as Rose Tyler was, she refused to succumb to it. She lifted her arm by halting ginger increments and placed it on her chest as if touching a porcelain doll that would break with the slightest of pressure. A small cry left her lips as her fingertips fumbled at the edges of one of the large metal staples holding her chest together. What had those monsters done to her? She didn’t feel like herself anymore; she felt… alien. Irony? She didn’t have the energy to see the humor in it. As her fingers finished their feeble examination and her limb flopped back onto the table, the ensuing crash echoed off the walls of the surgery. Silence settled once again except for the constant hum of the HVAC system. The cold was beginning to creep into her limbs, numbing the pain as the last of her energy escaped. 

She was long since abandoned here. Strange because she should have been escorted back to her cell by now. This infinite and grating procedure was more than she was used to, so she shrugged it off. Maybe they were just giving her extra time to recover after being treated like a primary school dissection project. Her breaths began to even out and deepen as her eyes fell closed. Just a quick rest; it wasn’t as though she could go anywhere. But as ice stole across her body, soothing the burning pain, it brought another unwelcome sensation. Numbness, and not the pins and needles kind, this was true paralysis. Already she couldn’t move her fingers or toes and her chest felt heavy as if someone had placed a lead weight on top of her ribcage. 

Were the surgeons back; dosing her with the numbing agent again? Were they here to deliver some new kind of torture? She tried to open her eyes and…failed. Fear and panic filled her as her chest shuddered with her laborious breaths. Had they just left her here to die? Surely not, she was their asset, their lightning in a bottle, and their cure all for humankind’s most insidious disease…aging. They wouldn’t just leave her here, even if she were dying. No, they would keep her body and chop it up into little pieces to be studied over the decades. _Okay, okay, calm down Tyler. No reason to get hysterical. Listen. _ She strained her ears, listening for the sound of snapping rubber gloves or the clink of metal instruments but she heard only one thing. Rose knew what a death rattle sounded like but she never dreamed that she would one day hear her last breaths echoing in her ears like ominous gongs of cathedral bells. 

She was dying. Finally, after the years of exams and pain, after all that time testing her limits, they reached them and left her like some inconsequential lab rat to die in the darkness. Rose always thought she would fight this moment with every fiber of her being but in the end…she was just too tired…too weak. It was too late to fight, too late for regrets. Still if she could only see her Doctor one last time…but it was too late. In the end Rose Tyler surrendered to the inevitability of death. She let the darkness and silence pull her under. 

BLUE BLACK BROWN GOLD GREEN…


	2. Still I search for Hidden Answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose wakes to find herself in a strange place where she is given the rare opportunity to see time itself stretched before her. Is she dead or alive? Can she find her way back? What will her choices be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just as an FYI, I'm trying to get caught up to my posting on Teaspoon. Once I am caught up to that schedule, I will probably post a chapter or two a week.

“Rose.”

Rose Tyler jolted awake. What the hell? 

“Rose.”

That voice. Rose bolted upright and opened her eyes to complete darkness. She would know that voice anywhere. Inky black surrounded her and a panicked scream bubbled its way up her throat but she held it in. _ Count the positives, Tyler. _ She wasn’t in the surgery room anymore and she could move, at least. Slowly she rose to her feet. She looked around this strange place; she didn't seem to _be_ anywhere. Was she…. _ Nope! Don’t ask that, just keep moving. _

“Rose.” 

That voice quieted her anxiety as her feet scrambled toward the noise. She couldn’t see anything so she paused, listening with the desperation of a drowning woman. 

“Rose.”

_ Deep breath. Elation! _ Her feet propelled her forward once more, ignoring the tragic end resulting from this same scenario, years before on a desolate Norwegian beach. She didn’t care. Somehow, in this moment all the hurts and wounds they inflicted on each other fell away, insignificant against the import of death. All that mattered was reaching her Doctor. She didn’t know how long she wandered in the darkness before it became less oppressive. It wasn’t light, merely the impression of light. She could just make out the shadow of her hand in front of her face. Her heart leapt. She was moving somewhere at least. 

“Rose.” His voice seemed to whisper right next to her ear. 

“Doctor,” she breathed, whipping around, expecting to see his mischievous grinning face but instead all she saw was a small sliver of brightness like the light around a closed door. 

She tiptoed forward, examining the source. The light was blinding in the complete blackness around her but as she stepped closer, she never hit a wall or a door or anything. With every step she took, the light seemed to stay the same distance away, hovering right in front of her. As she reached out her hand toward the brilliant shaft, a strange melody filled her head. It was strange but familiar as if there was a song on the tip of her tongue that she had forgotten. Why couldn’t she remember? 

“Rose.” Her Doctor’s voice tempted her from that growing bit of light. 

The door was opening just for her. A door back to her Doctor? There was only one way to find out. Without a second thought, she ran toward the light as if the very hounds of hell nipped at her heels. As she stepped through, she felt instant regret. The light burned like golden fire, sizzling the flesh from her bones. It seared through her retinas and into her mind. A cacophony of words and questions overwhelmed her in languages she had never heard. Voices bounced off every corner of her too-full mind. It was about to rip apart at the seams. Then it stopped. 

Frozen, for one instant, one impossible moment, Rose Tyler saw the universe, the whole of time and space laid out like a map to her eyes for the second time in her impossible life. Beings she had never seen in galaxies she had never even contemplated. She saw their lives, their choices, she saw all that ever was or will be. She saw a precious silver strand that flitted from star to star, chasing time. Her Doctor… she smiled. If she saw fit, Rose could pluck that string up, wrap it around her fingers and make it hers. She could bring death. She could bring life.

_But why do they hurt? _

Such a human question, so elegant in its simplicity; why was there so much pain in the universe. She looked down at the silver strand and saw such pain. Pain that she wanted to heal, pain that she could heal…but not all, some hurts are chosen. She looked out at the universe and she saw the truth. She could change some things; she could stop the devastating floods on Xlotz 6. She could hold back the volcano that would eradicate the last surviving tribe of Kalurians. She could manipulate events but it was harder to change someone’s mind. Their choices…their freedom…she couldn’t take that from them. 

_Choice. _

In her next heartbeat, Rose Tyler pulled all the pieces of her mind, scattered about the cosmos, back together. This time, she let go. Bad Wolf let her go…_ for now. _ Rose was scared of that absolute power. She didn’t want to choose for the universe. She didn’t want that burden. All she wanted was to live a free life, to travel to all the worlds she had just seen. She wanted to go see those tragedies, to help where she could, to stand up, to do what’s right… with her Time Lord… her Doctor… by her side. That was her choice. 

\--------------------------------------------------------

Rose awoke with a gasp on a hard and unforgiving surface. She groaned, clutching at her head in pain. What happened? Where was she? The last thing she remembered was the hospital gurney in Torchwood. She hissed; everything hurt and she felt drained. She was lying facedown on some kind of uncomfortable metal floor that dug into the skin of her breasts and ribs, poorly protected as they were by her hospital shift. As she gathered the courage to open her eyes, she frowned. It was dark, wherever she was, but tinged with a red hue like a photography darkroom. Moaning, she raised her head and her fingers fought for purchase, sliding through the holes of familiar metal grates. Her heart stopped. She scrambled to sit up and began to sob when she looked around in awe at the interior of the TARDIS. She was home. Don’t ask her why or how but she was home. _ Home. _

“Doctor,” she grated in her raspy voice but no answer came. 

Something was wrong. Why was the column red? What were all those extra bits and bobs doing around the console? Why was her normal hum at least several keys off? And why did the very space around her feel wrong? Fear rushed through her. The Doctor wouldn’t leave the TARDIS like this. Something very bad happened here. She leapt to her feet but vertigo assaulted her. Her knees crashed back to the grating, cutting and bruising the fragile flesh around them and tearing at the staples in her chest. Rose whimpered and grabbed her head in both hands. It felt heavy like it was too big for her neck to hold and it ached with a pain almost as intense as when she was first trapped in Pete’s World. 

Groaning, she opened bleary eyes once more and spied a small pallet of cushions and blankets that she could have sworn did not exist just minutes ago. The message was clear but she fought it. She didn’t want to sleep. She needed to find the Doctor; she needed to make sure he was okay. _And how exactly are you going to help him in your current state? _ She was weak and broken in many ways. Rest might be a good idea, in theory, but she had no clue what was happening right now and she needed any kind of information to settle her frantic heartbeat.

Rose started when she felt the small and subdued presence of the TARDIS breeze into her mind, soothing the pain there and pressing her to get some sleep. Rose remembered the comforting feeling and nearly wept again at the familiarity and reassurance she provided. She wanted Rose to rest but the sentient ship was also weak. What had happened to her? The TARDIS dismissed her concern. _ Ponder it later, Tyler. _ Right now, she was exhausted. She couldn’t keep her eyes open and the makeshift bed looked soft and warm. Deciding, at last, that sleep may do her a world of good, Rose crawled over and rolled into the bed, snuggling under the blankets. More comfortable than she had been in along time, Rose slipped to sleep, soothed by the gentle hum she felt in her head and heart. 

\---------------------------------------------------

_Rose was running through the forest as fast as her poor legs would take her in an icy blizzard. Her exhausted limbs began to slow until she heard the distinct cry of a wolf on the harsh wind. Looking back, she saw the huge tawny creature nipping at her heels. Fear rushed through her and she quickened her steps, pumping her legs, running through the trees and rolling hills of snow, afraid of what might happen if that wolf ever caught her. It would probably chew her to bits. _

_As she came to the edge of the forest, she tripped on her fear clumsy feet and went careening down the hillside. Rose rolled and bounced down, hitting rocks and trees that crossed her path, gaining new injuries with every foot of her descent. At last, she landed in a pile of snow with a dull thud. She lay there bleeding and bruised, gasping out reedy breaths, waiting for death to find her. _

_Instead, the wolf found her. The creature sniffed at her and whined before licking at her wounds. Cringing, Rose waited for the sharp stab of teeth to cut into her flesh but it never came. Peeking her eyes open, Rose saw the wounds where the wolf licked begin to knit themselves back together. The pain eased in increments until she was only left shivering from the cold. After the wolf finished administering her brand of first aid, she snuggled on top of Rose, sharing her warmth and comfort. Surprised, Rose relaxed and let her fingers burrow into the animal’s thick coat, luxuriating in its softness. The two beings stared into each other for a long moment until Rose saw gold fire reflecting in the wolf’s wide and intelligent eyes. She only had a second to be scared before the wolf lurched forward and clamped its jaws around Rose’s neck. _

\---------------------------------------------

Rose woke with a yelp, her hand flying to her throat before her body sagged… nothing there. Everything was fine. It was just a dream. But deep inside her mind, she could still sense the taciturn, golden, beast howling. She shivered in the warm heap of blankets, shying away from the unpredictable Bad Wolf. Her hand drifted down to rest on her chest. Her heart was racing. She took a few deep breaths and… _ wait_ … that should hurt. She looked down and choked on a scream. Where the large puckered surgery incision had once been, there was now smooth skin. She sat up with ginger movements and examined her body, shocked at what she saw. Her old scars had disappeared too. She still looked gaunt and too pale but her skin was unblemished. Not daring to hope, her hand drifted to her head and she tried to fight back the disappointment when she still felt her short hair prickle her palm. It was fine, she assured herself, hair would grow back, but at least all of her scars seemed to be gone. She breathed out in relief and flopped back onto her blankets. That took at least one small worry off her mind. She wasn’t looking forward to explaining those scars to the Doctor. Now, she didn’t have to…if she could just find him. 

Rose’s brow furrowed. It was obvious that he wasn’t here otherwise he would have found her by now. That had to mean he was in trouble, right? He would never leave the TARDIS by herself this long. She heard a mournful hum throughout the ship and reached out to the console on instinct with a gentle pat. It had to be painful for the ship to be in such a state…if she even felt pain in the conventional sense. Determined, Rose sat up and swung her legs over the side of her pallet, startling when she almost knocked over the several bottles of water and nutrition bars stacked beside her feet. She felt a weak apologetic nudge against her mind and smiled.

“That’s alright, luv,” she cooed into the cavernous room. “This’ll do me just fine for now.” 

Grateful, Rose scooped up a bottle of water and a bar, devouring both in a matter of minutes. It wasn’t a fancy meal but it made her feel full at least. Besides, after her years of confinement, eating only the blandest food, she doubted her stomach could handle anything rich. The food and sleep had her feeling marginally more human when she stood on her feet but she still felt weak and dogged by a bone deep exhaustion. It made sense, she supposed. After all, she had crossed the Void without any kind of capsule or protection, it seemed. It stood to reason that it would take a toll on her body, considering the particular state it was in at the time. In all likelihood, it would take months before she felt like herself again… if she ever did. 

Rose hobbled over to the jump seat and collapsed with heavy breaths. She felt like an eighty-year-old woman, every movement took so much effort. She stared at the column, contemplating her options. She needed to get moving. She needed to find the Doctor. He was counting on her. She felt an admonishment from the TARDIS and she couldn’t help but agree. She would be useless to anyone right now. She wanted to scream in frustration. Even though she escaped that prison at the Torchwood research facility, she was still trapped by her weak body. Sighing, Rose allowed a few tears to escape her eyes as she curled up on the seat. She pressed her nose against the worn leather and drew in a deep breath. It smelled like her Doctor; it smelled like home. She stayed in that spot for a long while until she finally caught a whiff of her skin. She grimaced. She smelled awful, tinny like blood mixed with sulfur. She smelled like she spent a few days in hell. In reality, it was years. 

Rose felt a mental nudge from the TARDIS, directing her to the corridor. _What do you want me to do? There’s nothing there. _ She looked toward the entrance and came up short. Where there had been nothing before, there was now and opening to a room beyond. Rose slid off the seat and ambled toward the room. It was simple and utilitarian; white walls with a comfortable looking white single bed. One corner housed a small bathroom with a shower, toilet, and sink. The other had a small kitchenette with white cupboards. _Great...more white. _ She eyed the walls with a wary grimace. The TARDIS hummed another apology. 

“No, please don’t apologize. I understand, and I’m grateful,” she said, trying to comfort the wonderful being who had already done so much for her.

Rose stumbled to the kitchenette and searched the cabinets. There wasn’t much but was there made Rose want to cry. The shelves contained one kettle, a box of her favorite tea with her mug, more nutrition bars, and a tin of her favorite biscuits. Overwhelmed with joy, she yanked the kettle down and set about making her first cup of tea in two years. She turned around and spied the shower. _Oh, you beauty of a sentient ship. _ She tore the hospital shift over her head and threw it on the bed as she passed. Reaching into the shower, she adjusted the knobs until steam filled the small stall. She stepped in and moaned as the water hit her skin. This was the height of luxury. Rose leaned back against the wall, letting her mind drift and her muscles relax. An image of the golden wolf jumping toward her throat flashed behind her eyelids. Her eyes popped open and she took in a deep breath. That damned wolf. She could feel the entity prowling at the back of her mind. It was a bright golden presence that she couldn’t escape…maybe she wasn’t meant to. Unsure, Rose closed her eyes and concentrated. She pressed toward it until her head began to ache and she backed off. She stayed in the shower, washing and rewashing her skin until in was a nice bright pink. It took a lot water and soap to wash off those two years dehumanization. 

Rose refused to leave the warmth and decadence of her shower for long minutes but when her fingers and toes wrinkled, she relented. She dried off with careful deliberate motions before picking up the soft pink gown that replaced her hospital shift on the bed. She didn’t spare a thought for her old clothes and hoped that the TARDIS had burned them. Putting the thought from her mind, she went to fix her tea skipping the milk, because she had none, and adding the sugar. She took a tentative sip and sighed, rubbing at her temple. Her head felt heavy, like it was stuffed full and overflowing. She went to the bed and sat, rolling her neck. The need to find the Doctor ate at her but exhaustion overwhelmed her every sense. She set her now empty cup on the floor and lay on the soft pillow. She was asleep before she could pull the blanket over her. 

\-------------------------------

Three days. THREE DAYS! Three days she was trapped in this bloody machine and Rose was beginning to go mad. She paced up and down her room, trying to work off some anxiety. She wasn’t even sure it was just three days. It felt right but, then again, if it was three days, she was recovering at an accelerated rate. Even her hair had grown out a few inches; it could have been weeks. The first thing she did when she woke up, after falling asleep in her new room three days ago, was try and open the front doors but they remained locked. She tried the scanner, no luck. She had even, after much reluctant thought, tried to access Emergency Program One, nothing worked. She was stuck here, home but not home because the one person that made it home wasn’t here!

Screeching in frustration, Rose collapsed back onto the bed when fatigue began to creep up on her. She greeted it with annoyance, as the TARDIS seemed to beam with smug satisfaction. Rose jumped back to her feet in defiance, swaying when spots swam in front of her vision. Her butt hit the mattress once more and she began to cry. She felt a comforting nudge from the TARDIS. 

“I just need to…” Rose sniffled even as she chastised herself for the weakness. “Is he?” 

She couldn’t even bring herself to ask the question but she felt an answering wave of comfort in answer anyway. She didn’t know how to interpret that. It could mean any number of things or it could just be a means of pacifying her. Wiping the tears from her cheeks, she stood back to her fee, glaring toward the ceiling. 

“I need to get out,” she demanded. 

She received only stubborn silence in answer. 

“Come on,” she whinged, shameless in her ploy to prey on the ships’ apparent affection for her. “I can’t stay in here. I’ll go mad. I need to see other people.”

Silence. 

Growling, Rose balled her hands into fists and shouted, “So now you’re my jailor? You took me from one prison, only to drop me into another?! Please! Don’t be so cruel!”

A rustle from behind her caught Rose’s attention. She faced the bed once more to see a black pile of clothing atop some black boots on the corner of the mattress. Raising a brow in curiosity, Rose began to dress in what were very practical black knickers and a sports bra. A pair of black military fatigues and vest in the same morose color followed these items. She completed the well-known ensemble with a black jacket, gloves, and black combat boots. She sighed; black, black and more black. It wasn’t white, so she supposed she couldn’t complain; it wasn’t that bad…but not by much. She picked up the last item and turned the black cap upside-down. A silver chain sporting two dog tags and her TARDIS key fell into her hands. She turned the key around in her hands, reacquainting herself with its weight and warmth before pulling it over her head. Her head swam and she stumbled. What was that? Rose shivered and tried to shake off the uncomfortable feeling, determined to overcome the weakness. 

She looked to the ceiling and asked, “Does this mean you’re letting me out?”

She felt a strong wave of exasperation buffet her. Beaming at the coral walls, Rose began to rush toward the door only to pause when she saw her final accessory leaning against it. She raised a brow at the sleek automatic rifle. Grim determination began to settle on Rose’s shoulders. Whatever she was running headfirst towards was going to be dangerous. She needed to get her head on straight. Taking a calming breath, she rolled her shoulders and peaked out of the TARDIS doors, ignoring the weapon for now. 

She found herself…in a storage cupboard…again…that always boded well, she thought with a grimace. What the hell was she in for?


	3. Underneath This Faded Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose explores her new environment and meets some friends along the way. Who are these mysterious characters and where is her Doctor?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick recap: _Rose found herself…in a storage cupboard…again…that always boded well, she thought with a grimace. What the hell was she in for?_

Steeling her nerves, Rose peaked out of the storage room catching a glimpse of a team of soldiers marching through the corridor beyond. At least her outfit made sense now. She needed to blend in which should be easy considering she _ was _ a soldier…in another life. Her life in Pete’s world was complicated. She headed her own team at Torchwood for seven years and in that time she butted heads with the status quo of the organization. They were very distrusting of alien life and, more often than not, responded aggressively. Pete had given her the freedom to start changing the culture but she wasn’t always successful. Sometimes she was ashamed when her best efforts failed and she was caught in a firefight defending her fellow humans with reluctant determination. It wasn’t always right but she had to defend her team first. It was a lesson she learned well through heartbreak. 

Rushing back through the TARDIS doors Rose rested against them, taking a few nervous breaths. Her fingers paused as she reached out for the automatic weapon leaning beside her. It looked wrong contrasted against the TARDIS’ living coral walls, almost garish and obscene in its contradiction to the peace Rose always found inside the living machine. It wasn’t like she never handled a weapon. She handled plenty but she was eager to leave that part of her life behind in Pete’s World. Twelve years and she felt like she spent the entire time fighting for one thing or another. Rose was looking forward to some peace or as peaceful as life with the Doctor could ever be. Still, she had at least assumed she wouldn’t need to pick up another weapon like this; an instrument of death designed for quick and efficient eradication of enemies. The Doctor wouldn’t approve but she decided that, given the TARDIS’ insistence, he would just have to deal with it. Whatever was going on outside those blue doors was nothing to trifle with. It was time to put up or shut up. Sometimes when the stakes were this high, you weren’t afforded the luxury of nuance...a fact that she knew well. Steeling herself against the disapproval that she could already feel from her Doctor, wherever he was, Rose grabbed the weapon and stepped out of the doors prepared to save him. 

The hallway was quiet as Rose peaked out of the TARDIS’ storage cupboard. She waited a few moments and almost stepped out when she heard the distinct sound of marching boots. She pulled the door closed again until only a sliver of the corridor beyond was visible. She saw a squadron of soldiers march by and she only had moment of hesitation as they passed before hurrying out of the door to join the end of their formation. Rose cast discrete, curious eyes on her surroundings as they marched through the maze of metal hallways. As they passed the first window, she had to check herself from gawping at the view of a planet far below. They were in some kind of airship and possibly on another planet. At least, she hoped that the burnt out and destroyed planet below wasn’t Earth. If it was, then things were worse off than she’d ever imagined possible. 

\---------------------------------------------------

That night, after finding the time to disappear from the evening meal, Rose snuck back to the TARDIS with a belly full of bland cafeteria food. Exhausted, she stepped through the blue doors, leaving her weapon leaning against the outside. She trudged past the encased column and on toward her room where she collapsed on the bed, rubbing at her eyes, trying to stave off the headache she felt growing behind them. It was a difficult and confusing day. It was harder than the Doctor made it look, blending into an unknown situations. She was out of practice. 

After being divided into teams this morning, she was assigned to guard a family of ‘dangerous criminals’, or so she was told. Rose didn’t understand it; there didn’t seem anything dangerous about the Jones family. They were just a pair of worn out parents doing their best to protect their adult daughter and said daughter was trying to do the same for her parents. They were scared but with the blunt edge of expectation as if they had been in their predicament for a while now. It made Rose uneasy, seeing these normal people imprisoned. Not just imprisoned, but forced into slave labor by their jailor. 

They were all dressed in almost cartoonish servant uniforms that seemed purchased from a costume store. The women’s were so short that Rose could imagine something like ‘Slutty French Maid’ had adorned the packaging when they were first purchased. It made her stomach knot with discomfort as her fellow soldiers split up with a family member and roughly shoved him or her on their way. One took the father, the other the mother and Rose was left to guard the daughter, Tish. 

It was awkward to say the least. It made Rose ashamed to be playing the role of villain in this situation. So, for most of the morning she followed Tish around as she went about her chores and tried to stay out of the way. More than once, the young girl cast curious and cautious eyes over her as if waiting for Rose to accost her at any moment. But Rose kept her head down and stayed quiet until she found herself standing in front of some large doors. Tish hesitated in front of her, balancing a silver tray set for tea in her hands. Thinking that her arms were too full to open the doors, Rose stepped forward to oblige but Tish stopped her. 

“Wait!”

Rose startled at her panicked tone and took a quick step back. “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you needed some help.”

Tish swallowed hard. “No, it’s alright. I just need a minute to prepare before I go in there.”

Rose’s brow furrowed and she studied the young woman closer. She wasn’t just scared now. Whatever was in this room had her screaming on the inside terrified. “Are you alright?”

Tish breathed deep before turning curious and suspicious eyes on her. “Why do you care?” 

The question didn’t have any venom behind it, just bland curiosity. Rose wet her lips feeling nervous and naked under her probing stare. “Because I’m human?”

Tish snorted. “I was sure that Saxon had bashed all of the humanity out of his soldiers. What’s different about you? Are you new?”

Rose nodded, confused by her words. Who was Saxon and what was going on here? 

Tish’s eyes lit with hope. “Are you part of the resistance my sister is supposed to be building? Is that why you’re here? Is a plan going to be set in motion?”

“Hold on, hold on,” Rose interrupted, overwhelmed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Tish froze with a terrified look on her face. Rose understood her fear. She had just spilled the existence of a ‘plan’ to, what appeared to be, an enemy soldier. 

“Calm down,” Rose whispered. “I’m not with your sister but I am an ally. I’m looking for a friend of mine, the Doctor.”

Tish stared seeming to gauge her sincerity. “You’re a friend of the Doctor?”

Rose felt excitement bubble up inside of her. “Yes, I’m Rose. Do you know him? Where is he? Is he alright? Is he in trouble? What am I saying, of course he’s in trouble, but how do I find him?”

Tish cast a nervous glance around the empty halls. “You’re a friend of his? Martha never mentioned you. She’s been travelling with the Doctor. Why doesn’t she know you?”

Rose waved away her question. “We haven’t met. It was after my time. But the Doctor knows me, I promise. Where is he?”

Tish hesitated. 

“Please, I need to see him,” she begged allowing desperation to seep into her tone. As much as Rose tried to hold herself together, she was keyed up. Memories, nightmares, and hopelessness hounded her. She knew that her overwrought mind might snap at any second if she was pushed too far. The desire to see her Doctor was like a living thing within her, urging her in some unknown direction, searching for him. 

“He’ll probably be in there,” she replied nodding toward the doors. 

“Great! Let’s go,” Rose said eager to see her Time Lord. 

“Wait,” Tish insisted. “How long have you been here?”

“Not long. This is my third day,” Rose replied with a furrowed brow. “Now come on.”

“Wait, you don’t understand,” Tish stressed. “You can’t just go barging in there, saving the day. You’re going to get yourself killed. That thing in there is a monster. He’s smart and cunning and evil. He will destroy you if given the chance.”

Rose’s enthusiasm dimmed. “What’s going on around here,” she asked. “Who is this Saxon? Why are we on this ship? What is happening on Earth, if that planet down there even is Earth.”

“It is,” Tish responded, confused. “That’s Earth or what’s left of it anyway. How can you not know what happened? It’s been this way for months all over the world. How have you missed it?”

“Ah,” Rose replied. “I should clarify that when I say I’m new here…I mean to this universe.”

“What?”

“Well, I’m not really new. I was born in this universe but I was separated from the Doctor and trapped in a parallel universe with my family. But now I’m back, so.”

By the end of her explanation Tish was examining her with baffled amusement. “You must be a friend of the Doctor’s. You sound just as mad as he does.”

“Thank you,” Rose said grinning before getting back to the business at hand. “So what’s happening?” 

Tish jumped when they heard chatter coming from down the hall and she cast her wary eyes in its direction. “I will tell you, but after. He’s going to be cross if I’m not in there soon.”

Rose was reluctant to let it go but she could see by the fear in Tish’s eyes that she shouldn’t push. So, she reached for the handle. 

As she opened the door, Tish whispered from the corner of her mouth, ”Keep your head down. If he asks you a question, give him direct concise answers without hesitation. Stay as close to the truth as possible and do not under any circumstances underestimate him. He may not look like much but he is evil incarnate.”

A shiver raced down Rose’s spine and she tried to repress her shudder. Even after everything Rose had seen and experienced, Tish’s terror was catching. 

As they stepped into a grand room, Rose scanned over her surroundings. Her eyes touched on everything as her training kicked in. It was just a reflex now in unfamiliar circumstances. At the back of the long room, stairs led to a raised platform where a cornucopia of electronic equipment flashed with intermittent beeps. At the bottom of stairs sat two differing and antonymous objects. To the right sat the standard issue, evil villain globe. She rolled her eyes and turned to the left where a small haphazard tent balanced beside of a colorful bowl with word ‘DOG’ emblazoned on its face in large block letters.

Rose’s brow furrowed. “He keeps a dog up here?”

Tish paused as she moved around the large table in the middle of the room. “No.”

The single ominous syllable echoed through the space setting Rose’s hair on end. She shrugged off her unease and went back to studying her surroundings. This had to be the bridge of the ship she decided as she looked out of the round porthole. It was difficult to tell but they seemed to be at the zenith of the ship based on the curve of the hull beneath her. The myriad of electronic devices also looked familiar; she could identify steering column, navigation screens, and engine temperatures. Whatever was going on, this room was the center of the action. As she watched, a cluster of metal spheres sped past the window and Rose startled. 

“Bloody hell,” she exclaimed stumbling back. 

“Shhh, “ Tish admonished. “Careful not to excite them.”

“What the hell are they,” Rose hissed. 

“I don’t know. They just showed up here all of a sudden.”

“They’re not robots?”

“They could be,” Tish conceded shrugging as she began to unload the dishes from her tray and set a place at the head of the large black table. “It seems obvious that they would be but they’re too emotional. They take too much pleasure in their work to be completely without sentience.”

“Where did they come from,” Rose asked, fascinated as she watched another group of spheres fly by. 

“Only Mr. Saxon knows. They’re working with him, I guess,” she whispered and then sniffled. “They killed the American president.”

Rose whipped around. “They what?!”

Tish nodded, wiping a tear from the corner of her eye. “It was horrible. They just disintegrated him into nothing, right on international television, in front of the whole world.”

Rose’s open mouth worked but no sounds emerged. How? How had this happened? Why didn’t the Doctor stop it? Where was the Doctor? Urgency and unease rushed through her. “Tish,” she said steeling her voice with determination. “Where is the Doctor?” 

The young girl looked around the room with sad dark eyes. “I really expected him to be here. He must be with Saxon.”

Rose’s blood ran cold. “Who the hell is Saxon?”

Tish opened her mouth to explain when they heard the sound of whistling outside the door and the rattle of the silver handles. She rushed to the left corner of the room, grabbing Rose’s sleeve along the way. Rose followed and stood, still as a statue, next to a terrified and trembling Tish. Rose saw the knob of the door jiggle and open. She sucked in a breath, preparing herself for anything, a monster, alien, robots….

What she wasn’t expecting was a spry man, looking in his late thirties, to roll in a withered old geriatric in a wheelchair. It startled her. Whatever she’d been expecting, it wasn’t this. This bloke looked older than Methuselah but she knew from experience that age did not indicate a lesser threat. Still, she doubted that this was the terrifying Mr. Saxon Tish spoke of. His defeated posture projected passive weary acceptance much like the Jones family. He seemed just as much a prisoner here as they were. 

Her eye moved to the man pushing the chair. He was of average height with bleach blonde hair, pale skin, and wild eyes. His mouth twisted with a cruel smirk as he sauntered through the door and looked to the head of the table. This was a familiar routine for him. He had done it a hundred times, if his ease in the room was anything to go by. He was in command of this room…Mr. Saxon. Rose would bet her life on it. He rolled the wheelchair up to the side of the table and sat himself at the head, confirming her suspicions.

“Ah, isn’t this wonderful,“ he sighed as he placed his napkin on his lap and began opening the silver dishes in front of him. 

The smell of rich food permeated the large room and Saxon took a deep lungful of the tantalizing aroma. “Oh that smells lovely doesn’t it, old friend,” he asked, eyeing the morose looking ancient. 

Old friend? Well, he was old, Rose would give him that, but she doubted that this blonde devil had any real friends. Judging by the irritated sigh that drifted from the old man, he agreed. Saxon took a spoon and dipped it into the large bowl before him. His movements were purposeful, exaggerated. He was putting on a show for his ‘old friend’. Why? Her eyes flitted over the long white hair of old man’s bowed head, the wrinkled skin, and the two slender gnarled hands clasped in his lap atop the blanket covering his legs. Something about him tickled at her mind. She was sure she had never seen this man before and yet, something tugged at her, a kernel of recognition. The set of his shoulders seemed familiar. She brushed it off and turned her attention from him back to the only real threat in the room. 

“Would you like something to eat,” Saxon offered the old man 

He hissed out a terse breath. “Yes.”

Tish jumped into action, pulling additional silverware and dishes from a nearby silver cart. 

“WHAT do you think you are doing,” Saxon shouted. 

Rose and Tish jumped in unison as his harsh tone cut through the quiet of the room. 

“I-I was just g-getting an extra place setting ready,” Tish stuttered through her obvious terror. 

Rose’s eyes narrowed on this Saxon character and she took a small step forward, ready to defend poor Tish if the need arose. 

“Did I ask you to get another place setting,” Saxon asked in a low, dangerous, tone. 

“Well, I-I just assumed that…”

“DID. I. ASK.”

“No,” Tish affirmed in a timid whisper. 

Saxon’s eye narrowed. “Come here.”

Rose tensed and she almost moved forward to protect Tish but drew back at the young woman’s look of warning. She walked to Saxon’s side. Quicker than Rose was able to track, Saxon reached out and slapped Tish across the face.

“Leave her alone, Master,” the old man said through gritted teeth.

“I don’t recall asking your opinion, you self righteous old fool. Now shut up.” Saxon stood, looking back to Tish who cowered from him. “So eager to take care of him? Is he so important to you? Is he your savior?”

Tish was a trembling ball of nerves and she remained silent.

“Answer me!”

“No,” she stuttered. “I mean, yes...or...err.”

Saxon backhanded her hard. She cried out as she stumbled backwards. 

“Master,” the old man shouted. “Stop!”

“What is so special about him? Why does he engender such loyalty from you pathetic dogs? Just because he won’t slap your nose when you piss on the rug doesn’t mean he sees you as anything other than his pets, “ Saxon continued, uncaring as he backhanded the poor girl once more, tossing her to the floor. 

“Koschei!”

“No! I want you to tell her,” he seethed as he grabbed Tish’s arm from the floor and dragged her in front of the old man. “You think he’s your savior but you mean nothing to him. You are a temporary distraction and when he’s done with you; he’ll swan off and leave you to your pathetic, disgusting existence. You’re not important. You are nothing.”

“Master,” the old man pleaded. 

“TELL HER!” Their shouting echoed through the sudden silence as Rose rushed to Tish’s side. “Get her out of here,” Saxon barked at Rose, tossing the poor girl into her arms.

She glared back at him as she helped Tish to her feet. She wanted to engage him. She wanted to kick this skinny little prick’s arse but she restrained the impulse. She needed to maintain her cover. She needed to blend in until she could find the Doctor. She needed to get Tish away from this psychopath. 

When the old man finally urged, “Go!” Rose rushed Tish from the room. Outside, she examined the large gash on Tish’s swollen and bruising cheek. “Are you alright,” she asked as she probed the cut with tender strokes of her fingers

“I’m fine,” she stuttered past tears. “I just, I just wish everything was back to normal. I’m tired of waiting.” Sobs wracked her small frame. 

Rose’s heart ached with sympathy as she shouldered her weapon and draped protective arms around the girl. “It’s going to be alright. We’ll fix this, I promise. But for now, we need to get you some medical attention. That’s a pretty nasty cut on your cheek.”

“There’s an infirmary one level down,” she said sniffling. 

Rose escorted her down to the infirmary where Tish was whisked from her arms and Rose was dismissed. She expressed her desire to stay but was told that she was not needed. She was directed toward the mess hall where she consumed a less than satisfactory evening meal while trying to disappear into the crowd of soldiers. Unable to stand any additional excitement, Rose rushed back to the safety of the TARDIS.


	4. The View From Here Should Soothe My Soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose contemplates her first venture aboard the Valiant. How is she going to manage to survive in this tumultuous time in which she has found herself? What is the goal of this mysterious and deranged Saxon and why wasn't the Doctor stopping him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recap: _Rose was directed toward the mess hall where she consumed a less than satisfactory evening meal while trying to disappear into the crowd of soldiers. Unable to stand any additional excitement, Rose rushed back to the safety of the TARDIS.___

As Rose lie there, replaying the day in her head, she became more and more unsettled. Who the hell was this Saxon character and what was wrong with him? Something was off about him; no one normal was that mercurial, not even the Doctor. The Doctor.... where the hell was he? How could he have let this psychopath conquer Earth so completely? Tish said he killed the president for god’s sake. Did that mean.... No, no he was fine. She also said that she’d seen him. Rose jumped to her feet and began pacing while chewing her thumbnail in agitation. So many unanswered questions and unsavory memories circled in her head until she thought she would go mad. She needed something to do. She needed to be productive or her sanity would slip away.

From the console room she heard a soft clatter. Rose froze, fear turning her blood to slush. Her heart pounded. Quiet as death, she crept to the door of her room and peaked out into the cavernous space beyond. She couldn’t see anyone. She crept forward, wincing when her every step crashed on the grating. As she passed the jump seat, her foot hit a solid object with a clanging. She looked down. A bag of tools? Her brow furrowed and she looked toward the ceiling. 

The message was clear. _You want something to do? Here you go! _

Rose hesitated. She helped the Doctor with repairs before but he had always taken the lead. True, she knew a bit more about the fundamentals of electrical engineering now but that didn’t mean she was good with repairs to time and spacecraft. She sighed in agitation; she would start crawling the walls in here if she couldn’t do _ something. _ Rolling her shoulders with determination, Rose reached down and pulled a grate off the floor. She looked to the tools, grabbing a pair of wire cutters and goggles. She paused, staring at the tool in her hand, unsatisfied with its lack of finesse. The Doctor would use his sonic, not some messy human tool. He would know what he was doing here, not just making his best guesses. He would… _ Stop. _ This wasn’t helping and that was her goal, right? So it didn’t matter if she was as good as the Doctor. He wasn’t here and she was. All she could was her best and she was sure the TARDIS would help her along the way…hopefully with a gentler touch than she used with her Time Lord.

Rose climbed beneath the console and into a tight space. It was a mess. Wires hung shredded everywhere while others were stripped and twined with new ones in haphazard fashion. It was nowhere near the care that the Doctor took in his work. Anger flared up inside her. Whoever had done this was a butcher, like the same men who cut Rose up and stitched her back together again. She looked around at the mess with sympathy blooming in her chest. They were the same, she and the TARDIS…broken but still fighting. Grabbing the nearest bunch of wires, Rose tried to relax and let her hands move without thought. She cut and stripped wires with systematic ease. This she had done hundreds of times before. It was the only thing the Doctor trusted her with when it came to his beautiful ship. She could almost hear his Northern burr. 

“Here Rose, start with these wires, you can’t possibly cock that up,” he would growl, seriously underestimating her acute ability to cock things up. 

When she finished with one group of wires, she tied it off and moved to the next tangled mess. It was tedious work but it kept her hands busy and for that Rose was grateful. She found that she did know what she was doing, in an odd way, as long as she didn’t think about it too much. It was weird but if she just relaxed her mind, her hands moved on autopilot. She felt like her brain was just a conduit from the TARDIS to her hands. The TARDIS needed a set of fingers to do repairs and Rose had them. It was like muscle memory but the memory wasn’t hers. Yet, even with the overflow of work keeping her hands busy, Rose couldn’t stop her thoughts from circling back around to the day’s events. Saxon, the old man, Tish, the Doctor. Where was he? The question surfaced in her mind for the hundredth time. Rose growled in frustration. She was missing something. It was there just beyond her reach like a song stuck on the tip of her tongue. It was something about, about...the old man? 

Yes, that was strange. Rose hadn’t given him much thought. He seemed the smallest player in the game but there was something.... _ think Tyler, think. _ It was odd, wasn’t it? How could two people with such an obvious age gap be ‘old friends’? Was it even possible for someone like this Saxon to have friends? While Saxon was smug and glib at first, the old man had always maintained an appearance of sheer despair. He called Saxon, Master. What an odd title for this apparent time period of booming technology. It wasn’t like this was feudal England. She assumed that some rich pompous arseholes still enjoyed the title of Master when being addressed by their employees but the old man didn’t look like an employee. Rose doubted that any man who liked the title of Master would push around his employee’s wheelchair. Besides, it was clear that the elderly man carried some authority with Saxon…authority that he seemed to resent and rebel against. 

His appearance was strange as well. The old man was wearing a henley, an odd choice for a man his age but not unheard of. _ Think Rose! _ He had a blanket over his lap with his hands folded on top. _ Something about his hands _? He had thin almost delicate fingers but they were gnarled with age, nothing really out of the ordinary. His trainers were...his trainers...HIS TRAINERS. She would know those anywhere. She ran in their imprints, through worlds across this universe. _ The Doctor! _ Rose jolted upright and slammed her head into the underside of the console. She cursed and fell back against the wires, clutching her aching brow. Her ears were ringing and she felt sick. She must have hit pretty hard. Rose blinked open her eyes and wiggled her way out from under the console. Shaking her head, she trailed her fingers up to a warm place on her brow where a large goose egg was forming. They came away red and sticky. 

A giggle from behind had her whipping around in alarm. She came face to face with a dark haired woman in a raggedy dress staring at her with a glint of mischievous glee in her eyes. “I’m sorry, little wolf,” she said with a genial smile. “But you’ll be healed good as new when you wake.”

Rose gawped as she rubbed at the quickly disappearing ache in her head. Her mind worked like it was moving through sludge. “When I wake?”

“Yes of course,” the woman dismissed. “How else was I supposed to commune directly with you, my wolf? Now pay attention, our time is short...nonexistent...infinite...all the time in the world. What an odd phrase...how might one possess all the time in the world? And which world? All worlds?”

“Excuse me,” Rose interrupted with a wince. “Who are you?”

“Oh!” The woman straightened up. “I am....I am...” She looked to ceiling in confusion. “Oh what is it that he calls me? The young one said it...aha! TimeAndRelativeDimensionInSpace. That’s me.”

Rose gazed at her wide-eyed. “You are the TARDIS?” 

“Yes! TARDIS! What a clever name.”

“Wh-why? Wh-where?” Rose stuttered. 

She demurely brushed off her rag doll dress. “Please, little wolf, try and compose yourself. We have very little time.” 

Rose shook her head hard. “I must be dreaming.”

The woman calling herself the TARDIS shrugged. “Yes and no. You are unconscious but this is very real.” 

“You are the TARDIS,” Rose asked again with a skeptic raise of her brow. 

The woman nodded with enthusiasm. 

“How can that be? It’s impossible.”

“Ha,” the woman exclaimed. “You in particular should understand, little wolf, that nothing is impossible. Not where we are concerned.”

“We?”

“Yes,” she replied clapping. “We are inextricably bound, little wolf, ever since you looked into my heart and I looked into yours.”

Rose rubbed a palm across her prickly head. “This is... I didn’t know you had a human form. I didn’t know we could converse this directly. Why don’t you always talk to us this way?”

The woman looked uncomfortable. “This is not easy for me, young one. It requires a tremendous amount of energy to project myself into your mind this way and in this state...It is...tiring.”

“Oh, that’s a shame. I’m sure the Doctor would love to.... I mean what would he need with any of us if...” she trailed off, unsure that she wanted to follow that particular thought to its conclusion.

A sad smile pulled at the woman’s lips. “My thief is a complicated being. So impulsive and joyful and....lonely. I can feel his loneliness yawn through his mind. He needs companionship...more than I can provide. So, I provided him with you.”

Rose’s eyes narrowed. “You provided me to him?”

“Yes. And now we have made you perfect,” she replied examining her nails. 

“What does that mean?”

The TARDIS scoffed, puffing her lips in a perfect pout. “It means that now you are a compatible pair to my Time Lord. Now you are the perfect companion. Now you are both mine.”

“I don’t belong to anyone,” Rose protested. “And you can’t just go around making decisions for me, acting like...”

“That is enough!” The woman calling herself the TARDIS looked at her like a mother scolding a child. “There is more happening here than you are aware of, little wolf. Time itself is wrong. Can’t you feel it?”

Frustrated, Rose shouted, “No! I can’t feel it. Why would I possibly be able to do that? How could I know anything about what is going on here?!”

“Be calm, wolf.”

“I will not be calm. You pulled me out of my universe, changed me, and now you’re asking me to feel time like...some kind of....” Rose searched for the right words with the irritation clouding her mind. 

“Temporally sensitive being,” the TARDIS supplied.

“Yes!” Rose huffed in exasperation. 

“Well, you are dear wolf,” the TARDIS replied with an air of superiority. 

“No m’not,” she insisted. “I’m just human.”

The TARDIS narrowed her eyes. “Oh you haven’t been just human for some time. How else could you bond with my Thief and I? But you already know all of this, don’t you wolf? You’ve known for some time.”

Rose looked away, uncomfortable under her probing gaze. It was true. She had known for a while that she was a bit more than human; ever since the walls between the universes sealed. The moment the Doctor disappeared on that beach, Rose collapsed in excruciating pain. Her head had felt like it would explode at any moment. Mum and Pete rushed her back to the Torchwood medical facility where she was put through a battery of tests. The preliminary results showed nothing abnormal. She was a perfect, healthy, human, girl. But as the tests became more specific, strange results started to appear. Her brain was active in areas that many humans never accessed. She was producing strange hormones that couldn’t be identified and her cells were regenerating at such an accelerated rate that her aging was, in effect, suspended. 

She accepted the results of these tests with mixed emotions. It was a shock to realize that you were no longer aging. It was even more pronounced when you realized that everyone around you still was and the one man who may understand was lost behind the walls of the universe. The irony was painful. She spent all that time resenting the Doctor for his views on her mortality. But as she stepped into his shoes and looked to the people in her life that would now age and decay while she remained unchanged, Rose found herself intimate with the same fear and loneliness that haunted his eyes. 

Still none of the tests had managed to explain why Rose’s skull felt as though it cracked open. She was poked prodded and tested with inconclusive results. Although Dr. Harper, her personal physician at Torchwood, had hypothesized that it had something to do with the odd chemistry of her brain, they couldn’t pinpoint the cause. For two years Rose bungled her way through her life and her job, downing pain killers when the headaches were too overwhelming and ignoring the aching gnaw in her chest...until she met the Zarafen. 

The Zarafen were a peaceful species of alien that Rose found during an aid mission. Their ship was forced to make a landing when their equipment malfunctioned. Rose was eager to help but none of the Zarafen seemed to want anything to do with her. They all regarded her with cringing eyes full of pained sympathy, as if just standing near her was agony. She didn’t understand until their medical officer, Cora, confronted her. The memory was still fresh after all these years:

_ The eerily beautiful Zarafen, Cora, stared at her in grim fascination. Rose stared back into those multicolored eyes determined not to shrink under her gaze._

_“You are wounded,” Cora stated in the same deep, hollow, and emotionless tone of every Zarafen, but her eyes held only sympathy._

_Startled, Rose looked herself over in confusion. Not a speck of blood in sight. “I don’t think so.”_

_Cora was already shaking her head sending ripples through her long fine silver hair. “It is not a wound that can be seen. It is here,” she replied stopping a hairsbreadth before touching Rose’s forehead._

_“How do you-“_

_“We can feel it,” Cora explained pulling her hands back to fold in her lap. “It is why the others avoid you. They’re not trying to be rude but the torment you endure is too painful for them witness. The loss of a bond mate is considered a fate worse than death. You must be a strong soul to continue as you do.”_

_Rose shook her head and rubbed at the mysterious ache behind her eyes. It was flaring up again. It did that every time her thoughts strayed toward her Time Lord. “I’m sorry, what are saying? What’s a bond mate?”_

_“You don’t know,” Cora asked, confused. “That doesn’t make sense. How could you even form a bond like this without being aware? It is profound. You and your mate must be very capable telepathic creatures. Forgive me for the impertinent question but what is your species?”_

_Rose’s head throbbed and she rooted through her tactical vest for her meds. She found the bottle and swallowed two pills dry. Cora regarded her with knowing eyes. “I don’t understand,” Rose replied, at last. “I’m human, just human.” _

_“Hmmm, I didn’t realize that humans were telepathic.” _

_“We’re not! I’m not,” Rose insisted. _

_Cora made a dismissive gesture with her long elegant hands. “Well other humans may not be but you are and you are broadcasting your heartache for every telepathic being to feel.”_

_Rose’s eyes widened in shock. “That’s not possible.”_

_“It is true I’m afraid.” She dropped her eyes as if uncomfortable with her next question. “If you don’t mind my asking, how long has it been since your bond mate passed?”_

_Rose shook her head, confused. “I don’t have a mate. You keep using that term, bond mate. What does it mean?”_

_“You must know,” she said in disbelief. “How could you form a bond like this without knowing? I mean it does happen in rare cases but...” Those rainbow eyes seemed to assess Rose with more scrutiny. “You both must have repressed your true feelings for a very long time.”_

_Rose stared at her speechless for long moments before she whispered, “I still don’t understand. What’s happened to me?”_

_Cora seemed to take pity on poor Rose because she scooted her chair closer and took her hands with only a small flinch. “Every telepathic species has a different word for it but, at its core, it is life sharing bond, like your marriages but far more permanent. It is a twining together of body mind and spirit. Once it is completed, you are mentally linked to your bond mate for as long as you live. They take years to form and they tend to happen in gradients, to allow the couple time to adjust. Yours, I would assume, was in its infancy stages otherwise you would have noticed it’s presence and would have already succumbed to death or madness by now. I’m so sorry for your loss.”_

_“He’s not dead,” Rose murmured while contemplating her very existence. This had to be a joke right? She had a telepathic bond to the Doctor? It made sense in a mad way. Why else would she have these headaches? Why would they intensify every time she thought of him? She knew it had something to do with him but she couldn’t believe...._

_“Excuse me,” Cora asked after her mumbling. _

_“He’s not dead.” The whole story began to spill out and Cora listened in rapt fascination until its end._

_“I’ve never heard of such a thing. Then again, Zarafens have never attempted inter-dimensional travel. It must be horrible to know he’s alive and yet know for a certainty that you will never see him again. To you he is in effect...dead.”_

_Rose grasped her forehead groaning in pain as the hole in her heart throbbed in tandem. Having her misery spoken aloud in such plain language was like having every hope stripped from her. Even this being could understand what Rose would not. She would never see her beloved Doctor again. A sob escaped her chest and tears coursed hot tracks down her cheeks. The pain in her headed grew to an excruciating intensity. Behind her agony, Rose could hear a still calm Cora._

_“One moment, one moment, I have something that I think will help you,” she said as she searched her robes. “Ah, here it is.”_

_Rose felt something smooth and cool slide onto her finger. After a few moments, her headache dulled to a throb at the back of her head. Rose sighed in relief while Cora stroked her back in large comforting circles._

_“I do apologize, Rose. I should have realized that this discussion would trigger some of the symptoms. For now, this should help,” she said indicating the ring._

_Rose tried to roll some of the tension out of her shoulders as she studied the strange metal that shined with a multicolored hue. “What is it?”_

_“A telepathic dampener, it should help with the symptoms but it’s not a cure. Any serious thought of your bond mate will cause pain and you may still have trouble sleeping because of it.”_

_“Why,” she asked in dejection._

_“Because your mind is reaching for him, seeking that place where it knows he should be, it’s instinct I’m afraid. You’ll find that a telepath’s mind runs on instincts that can be...difficult to fight.”_

_Rose nodded._

_Cora placed a gentle arm around her shoulders. “And while I hesitate to further upset you, I must let you know that these bonds were meant to last.”_

_“Meaning,” Rose prompted at her look of hesitation._

_“You will not be able to start a new life here.”_

_When Rose just stared back in incomprehension, Cora sighed._

_“The bonds make it nearly impossible to be unfaithful. I doubt if you will ever be able to take another lover again.”_

_Rose shrugged. “That’s not really an issue.”_

_“If you’re sure.”_

_She was._

_Cora nodded, understanding the silent statement. “Very well, as long as you keep that dampener on it should help with the worst of the symptoms. So, do not remove it under any circumstances.” _

It was the first thing Torchwood took from Rose when she was locked away in their research facility. 

The soft hand on Rose’s shoulder startled her from the memory. The woman calling herself the TARDIS was regarding her with tenderness. It was only then that Rose realized she was crying. Angry at her lack of control, she wiped the tears away. “I just want to help him. I want to confront that Saxon and kick his arse.”

“No, my wolf! The Master must never find out who you are,” she insisted. “He would not hesitate to use you.” 

“Who the hell is this arsehole? Why does he get his own special title? What the hell is he Master of anyway?” Then it clicked...the title. She looked up at the TARDIS a silent question in her eyes. 

The woman sighed. “The Master is the Doctor’s oldest enemy...and friend.”

Rose collapsed on the jump seat, a hand over her mouth in silent shock. “Another Time Lord?”

“Yes.”

“Oh my god. The Doctor must be...”

“Conflicted,” the TARDIS interjected. “The Doctor and Master’s relationship is...complicated both emotionally and temporally. While the Master may be a villain now, later he may just save the Doctor’s life. It is important that things play out without manipulation. Which is why you cannot interfere.”

“What,” Rose shouted, jumping to her feet. “I can’t interfere?”

“No. And you cannot make yourself known to him.”

Rose’s eyes narrowed. “Oh come on. Why not?”

The TARDIS turned toward her with a scowl of condescension. “Can you imagine how my Thief would react? Learning that you were within the clutches of his oldest and most sadistic enemy? The Master torments him with relish. What kind of pain would he be able to cause if he captured you?”

Rose lifted her chin in defiance. 

The other woman scoffed. “Oh my wolf, don’t be so stubborn. My Thief has plan. He has already figured a way out of this. Revealing yourself to him now will only prove a distraction. Is that what you want?””

Rose glared at her in answer but she already knew in her heart that she would obey. This apparition was right; she would only hurt the Doctor by confronting him now. Her shoulders slumped in acceptance. “Fine. I won’t approach him but I can’t just leave him alone. I have be there for him somehow,” she argued. The thought of being so close to him after so long and keeping herself at a distance, on purpose, was just intolerable. 

The TARDIS clicked her tongue, giving away her impatience. “I assumed as much. That is why I have made your key into a perception filter and telepathic dampener. As long as you are wearing it, not only will your visage be unclear to my Thief, but your mind as well. I don’t think it would work under normal circumstances but he has many other things on his mind these days. Do as you will but be careful, cutting off your telepathic senses may leave you feeling a bit disoriented, now that I bolstered your abilities. Keep yourself on guard. If you are found out it could mean the ruin of everything.”

Rose nodded in somber agreement and picked the small piece of metal off her chest, twirling it between her fingers. 

“You must try and practice patience little wolf,” the TARDIS sighed. “You and my Thief have a very long and, at times, heartbreaking journey in front of you. It will not be easy but at its end, you will have each other. You must decide if it is worth it.”

“It is,” Rose affirmed. “He is. I just…I just want to be with him. I just want to bee close to him, to know him better.”

The woman gave a sly wink as she evaporated into thin air. “I may be able to help with that.”


	5. Even Shed Some Kind of Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose is confused by her conversation with the TARDIS. She has more questions than answers and her subsequent dreams only further her discomfort. Will she be able to survive the TARDIS' assistance?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're enjoying this so far. This chapter is by far my farthest reaching chapter. I delved a little bit into the Doctor's past or my interpretation of it. Social structures on Gallifrey can be a little difficult to pin down because they seem to change with each new writer for the series but this is my view on them. I'm sorry if it isn't strictly cannon but this is what works for me and I understand it better this way. Additionally, I understand that this interpretation might still be seen as 'too human' but I really loved writing this chapter. It is one of my favorites so far and is very close to my heart. So please, be gentle in your criticism.
> 
> Recap: _“You must try and practice patience little wolf,” the TARDIS sighed. “You and my Thief have a very long and, at times, heartbreaking journey in front of you. It will not be easy but at its end, you will have each other. You must decide if it is worth it.”_
> 
> _“It is,” Rose affirmed. “He is. I just…I just want to be with him. I just want to bee close to him, to know him better.”_
> 
> _The woman gave a sly wink as she evaporated into thin air. “I may be able to help with that.”_

Rose awoke with a start, almost hitting the underside console again, but she stopped just short. Her head still ached, it felt full and close to exploding. She rubbed at her temples as she rested back against the bed of wires beneath her. Whatever sort of communion she’d had with the TARDIS exhausted her. She felt bone weary as she crawled out from under the console and stretched her stiff muscles.

She gazed up at the red glowing glass column, innocuous and silent. Rose reached out to TARDIS’ presence in her mind and received a weak brush of comfort. Poor thing, it must deplete any energy she managed to muster, projecting herself into Rose’s mind like that. Which probably meant that what she had to say was important and, as much as Rose didn’t like the thought of leaving her Doctor in such dire circumstances, she would head the TARDIS’ warnings...for now. She would try her best not to interfere. She wasn’t sure how successful she would be. Even now, part of her yearned to run out those doors, track him down, and bring him back home…complications be damned. She sighed. _Pull it together Tyler. _

Rose stumbled from the console room into her temporary living space, patting the coral wall as she passed. All of the information the TARDIS provided was swirling around in her head, driving her mad. Even after their conversation, she still had more questions and very few real answers. Groaning in irritation, she undressed and showered. The water was nice and hot, soothing away the tension from her aching muscles, but her brain felt like mush and it was getting hard to form a single coherent thought. Pain, fear, doubt, frustration, all overwhelmed her until she found herself weeping against the cool shower door. When she had no tears left, Rose drug herself from the shower and dressed in yet another colorful nightgown. She dropped into bed, asleep, and dreaming before her head hit the pillow. 

\-------------------------------

_Rose blinked open her eyes and glimpsed a vibrant orange sky. She sat up looking around the strange landscape. She was in meadow at the edge of a forest. Steady wind ruffled and stirred thick scarlet grasses, making them hum in harmony to the shivering silver trees. The austere mountains stood watch in the distance looking dangerous and foreboding with dark snow clouds swirling around their peaks. She shivered under their gaze and turned her attention back to the serene meadow. She felt a great sense of peace here at the edge of this forest, peace that was shattered by the sound of running feet and a shout. _

_“Koschei! Wait!”_

_Two boys, looking about seven or eight, ran toward the tree line. Her brow furrowed and she stood on tiptoe, trying to get a better look at the sprites. In curious fascination, Rose followed them into the trees, careful not to make a sound. They were a dichotomy these two. One was taller with dark brown hair, straight as a pin, and skin as pale as a cloud. The other was smaller with sandy blonde hair, wild and curling around his face, highlighting his healthy pink skin that turned rosy around his cheeks with his exertion. They shared however, a set of bright blue eyes, so similar in appearance and yet different in demeanor. The dark child’s blue eyes were calculating and almost cold while the light one’s touched everything in excited fascination. _

_“Oh do hurry up,” the dark haired child chastised. _

_“Wait! Look!” The light haired boy climbed into a silver tree. “Oh, Koschei look what I found.”_

_The other boy sighed. “What is it?”_

_The light haired child held in his palm a small lizard looking creature with four telescopic eyes that swiveled wildly in its panic. It’s yellow scales shimmered and shifted in color, doing it’s best to disappear into the background_

_“Oh,” the boy, called Koschei, said with fascination. “I’ve read about these.” He moved closer, examining the creature in his friend’s outstretched hands._

_“Look at his eyes,” the other boy explained. “They can swivel in any direction so he can see predators coming from all sides and he can camouflage himself to look like anything. He has amazing defensive abilities but, even if he is attacked, he has the ability to grow back his limbs so he can always leave a part of him behind if need be.”_

_Rose narrowed her eyes on the boy. Those words sprinted from his lips in such breathless and familiar fashion. It pricked at her memories and she tried to follow the jackrabbit thought down its hole but it slipped between her fingertips when the boy’s companion spoke up. _

_“Give him here. Let’s see,” Koschei demanded with a wicked sort of glee._

_“What? No! You can’t hurt him,” the other child exclaimed with horror._

_“Oh come on, tender heart. You just said he could grow another back.”_

_“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt.”_

_“Oh come on,” Koschei said, grabbing for the animal. “Just give him to me.”_

_“Koschei no! Don’t hurt him!” The smaller child darted and weaved away from the other’s attempts at capturing the poor creature._

_The young boy jumped back up the tree and placed the creature on a branch where it scurried away. He climbed back down only to face the wrath of his playmate that tackled him to the ground. The boys wrestled for a few minutes, trying to gain the upper hand until Koschei had the other boy pinned to the ground. Rose ran forward, intent on pulling the boys apart, but her hands passed right through them. The smirking Koschei looked down at his friend before punching him in the nose hard._

_“That’s for not sharing.” Humiliation complete, Koschei climbed off and stormed away._

_The sandy haired boy leaned up on his elbows and watched his friend go. He looked miserable as he wiped at the blood and tears on his face with the back of his hand. Rose’s heart broke for the poor boy and she had the irresistible urge to gather him into her arms to comfort him. She reached out but again her hands passed right through the apparition._

_Sighing the boy stood and dusted off before plodding after Koschei. They walked in contemplative silence, letting the tension of their recent row fall away. Rose followed protectively at the smaller boys side, frustrated that she couldn’t even place a conciliatory hand on his shoulder. They came to small clearing where a spring fed pool bubbled at its center before running off into the forest. It was beautiful with the dappled orange light gleaming through the trees and soft cool grass under their feet. They sat down on the banks and began throwing rocks into the clear waters as if completing some kind of juvenile ritual._

_After several long minutes Koschei broke the silence. “Sorry for hitting you.”_

_“It’s okay,” the other replied, offering quick forgiveness._

_Rose scowled at the dark haired child. It most certainly was not okay. Rose was surprised at the level of compassion she felt over this figment of her imagination. Still, she couldn’t stop from placing herself as a shield between them as she listened to their conversation play out._

_“Has your father talked to you about the Academy yet,” the blonde boy asked, his tone filled with dejection._

_“No, but my mum did. Why what did your father say?”_

_“He said it’s an honor,” he murmured._

_“It is,” Koschei agreed with conviction._

_The other boy didn’t look convinced. “But we have to go live at the Academy.”_

_“Yeah so?”_

_“But I don’t want to leave home.” The boy’s forlorn tone pulled at Rose’s heartstrings._

_Koschei scoffed. “What? Afraid you’ll miss your mummy?”_

_The other boy shrugged. “Maybe.”_

_“Don’t be such a baby,” Koschei chided him._

_“I’m not, but well, I don’t want her to be lonely. Father’s away all the time. I think she’s sad about it too,” the small boy replied. “I saw her crying the other day.”_

_Koschei snorted._

_“Aren’t you going to miss your family?”_

_“No. My mother and father are excited for me to go,” he replied._

_I would be too, Rose thought._

_“I’m scared, Koschei.” The boy’s timid admission was vulnerable and heartfelt. He left himself wide open to his friend’s taunts._

_Koschei cast appraising eyes over his friend and graced him with a kind smile before placing a comforting arm around his shoulders. “Don’t be. You have me. We’ll watch out for each other and one day we’ll rule the place, you and I.”_

_The scene faded away into ephemera, wisping around Rose’s skin before reforming into a new dream. Rose padded through hallways of marble veined with ribbons of gold. Large columns held up cathedral ceilings, adding a sense of reverence and solemn dignity to the space. Along the walkways various groups of young adults in dark robes chatted with an animated energy. Rose’s attention was snagged by two men rushing past the other groups._

_It was the boys from her previous dream grown into strapping adults. Koschei, now shorter and stockier than his friend, maintained his dark hair but it was shorter, shorn close to the scalp. His skin was still pale as ever and his bright blue eyes had greyed, now looking as cold as the North Sea. By contrast the other boy had grown into a tall and lanky man. His once sandy hair had darkened to a milk chocolate brown and curled in a riotous mass around his head. His face had lost that rosy brilliance of childhood, now covered as it was by a five o’clock shadow. His eyes, although tired and puffy, were still warm like the Caribbean seas, even if they carried the weight of the world within them._

_Something about this man pricked at Rose’s senses. There was something about him that she couldn’t quite place her finger on. He seemed familiar but she knew she had never seen him before. She caught them up, eavesdropping on their conversation._

_“I can’t believe you did that Koschei,” the tall man fumed._

_Koschei laughed outright. “You should have seen your face when the headmaster found you in his office with that Claron. It started spitting fire all over. The headmaster looked like he was inventing some new kind of dance as he was stomping on those flames.”_

_“It’s not funny,” his companion insisted. “How is it that I’m always getting in trouble for your pranks? I was just trying to stop you.”’_

_Koschei snickered. _

_His friend glared back at him. “Aren’t we getting a little old for pulling pranks on the headmaster? It s not funny anymore.”_

_“It is as long as you are the one getting in trouble,” Koschei reasoned._

_The other man rolled his eyes and huffed in frustration._

_“Oh lighten up Theta Sigma. Learn to have a little fun.”_

_“We have fun all the time but I’m the only one who seems suffer the consequences of it. And where are you? My best mate? You’ve swanned off and left me holding the Claron.”_

_Koschei chuckled again. “You can’t blame me for knowing when to make a hasty exit, Theta.”_

_“I can and I do,” he insisted._

_“Lungbarrow!” A shout rang through the hall and both men turned. A short older balding man approached them huffing with his exertion. Koschei smirked at his companion while leaning against one of the stone columns. Theta stiffened, looking anxious. “Lungbarrow, this temporal ethics assignment must be revised.”_

_Theta Sigma drew his shoulders back in a display of confidence. “Why, professor? I believe I supported my thesis with multiple facts and clearly stated my conclusions.”_

_“That may be but your thesis is invalid,” this stuffy old codger expounded._

_“How can it be invalid when I have supported it with facts? We cannot watch the universe fly by without participating in it. It will leave us behind. Time Lords have a responsibility to...”_

_The old man turned red faced. “That is enough,” he shouted spittle flying from his puffed lips. “You will rewrite the assignment citing the conventional wisdom of the time.”_

_“Then why even ask for our opinion if you just want us to restate the conventional wisdom and not think independently,” the student pressed._

_“Because we want to know that you have a firm understanding as to the importance temporal ethics and our strict code of non interference.”_

_“Isn’t the discussion of ethics supposed to be a debate and not a lecture,” Theta argued._

_“Silence,” the professor reprimanded. “Are you trying to bring shame on your house boy? On your father?”_

_Theta Sigma tried to affect a look of contrite obedience. It would have worked if he managed to stop glaring at his instructor. “No, of course not Professor Borsura.”_

_Heaving out a pent up breath, Borsura pressed a small square device into Theta’s hand. “Then I suggest you rewrite the assignment, as soon as possible. And clean yourself up, you’re a Time Lord for Rassilon’s sake,” he growled before storming away._

_Theta Sigma’s shoulders drooped as he slumped back against the same column Koschei rested on. His friend studied him with quiet contemplation._

_“So, that was interesting,” he purred with relish. “What ever did you say?”_

_Theta sighed. “I challenged the non interference protocol.”_

_“That’s....bold.”_

_“It’s stupid. I should have just written what he wanted to hear.”_

_“Then why didn’t you,” Koschei wheedled._

_Theta threw his hands up in agitation and began walking from the building and into an immaculate landscaped courtyard. “Because it is an imbecilic protocol. Time Lords are the most advanced species in the universe. We have a responsibility to try and use our technology to steer it in a positive direction. Right now we are just feckless surgeons watching our patient die on the operating table. We have the tools to save him and yet we do nothing. It’s unconscionable.”_

_Koschei sat on a stone bench and watched his friend pace. “I don’t understand you sometimes, Theta. I find it so interesting. We agree on so many things. We both agree that Time Lords are the strongest and most powerful species in the known universe and yet, when comes to how we use that power, we couldn’t be further apart. You want to use it to save the universe, while I-“_

_“Want to rule it,” Theta repeated with exasperation that said he didn’t approve._

_Koschei chuckled. “Well Theta you can’t go around playing doctor to every wound in the universe. It isn’t worthy of your position.”_

_Rose gasped as recognition washed over her. This was her Doctor before he claimed the title._

_“It’s better than being master of it,” Theta mumbled._

_Koschei laughed. “Agree to disagree, my friend. But one day we will set the protocols and we can rule this universe as we see fit but until then one thing is for certain....”_

_“What,” he deadpanned._

_“You will never get to see the universe if you don’t pass your pilots test,” he replied with a cheeky wink._

_Theta groaned. “Don’t remind me. If I fail again my father will disown me.”_

_Koschei gave a full belly laugh and wrapped an arm around his friends shoulder squeezing him in a comforting hug. “Come, I’ll help you practice.”_

_He trailed behind him until he came to a stop just in front of Rose. She looked up into those blue eyes and smiled._

_“I know you,” she whispered with a grin as she lifted her hand to touch his face in reverent awe, only to have it pass right through him once more before he walked away. _

———————

Rose blinked open her eyes to find her room brightening. As awareness of her body and mind came into focus, she groaned in discomfort and clutched at her forehead. Her head felt like it was about to explode. Over and over, wave after wave of agony battered her mind. Her stomach flipped and Rose was on her feet, racing to the loo just in time to empty all the bile from her stomach until there was nothing left. Moaning, she collapsed against the cool floor shivering. When she regained a modicum of energy, she dragged herself back into bed and lost consciousness. 

When Rose woke again, she still felt like she had a case of flu. Her body ached as she pulled herself into a sitting position, startling when she noticed the woman sitting on the edge of her bed with compassion in her eyes. Sighing, Rose regarded the TARDIS’ presence with cool indifference. “So I guess I’m still dreaming then?”

The TARDIS graced her with a gentle smile. “How do you feel, little wolf?”

Pinching the bridge of her nose, Rose groaned in discomfort. “Can you please stop calling me that? It makes me feel infantile. Just call me Rose.”

The woman’s lips quirked. “To a being such as me you are an infant but, as you wish. How are you feeling, Rose?”

“Well, I feel like I’ve been hit by a freight train.”

The TARDIS stood and began pacing, swishing her skirts around her ankles. “You are not far off li-“ 

Rose glared at her hard.

“Um...Rose,” the TARDIS corrected. “You’ve been hit by the Oncoming Storm.”

Rose’s eyes went wide. “What? What happened?”

The TARDIS’ steps faltered and Rose noticed. 

“What did you do,” she accused the omniscient being in her bedroom. 

The woman whipped around to face her. “I did what I thought was best for both of my passengers.”

Rose cocked an expectant brow and crossed her arms. 

“I reestablished your mental connection and boosted the signal, in a manner of speaking.”

“You did what,” Rose exclaimed.

“Normally, it would have taken physical connection to remake a bond like yours but, because you are both bonded to me, I was able to bridge the gap,” she explained. 

Rose shook her head in disbelief. “But why?”

“You’re floundering,” she stated with a grim frown. “Both of you. You need support that only each other can provide. I did it to help you but my Thief doesn’t seem very appreciative.”

“Oh you don’t say,” Rose spat with vitriol. “And here I thought this migraine from hell was just a love tap. Why is he so upset anyway?”

The TARDIS’ delicate brows furrowed. “I’m not sure. I’m not very skilled at interpreting emotions but if I had to guess it would be because he doesn’t have any context for the sudden appearance of another presence in his mind.”

“Hang on, wait. Are you telling me that, even though this bond is ‘bridged’m he still doesn’t know who I am?”

“No, of course not. I already told you Rose; he cannot know that you are back in this universe. It’s a distraction that he cannot afford.”

“Oh because this isn’t becoming any kind of distraction,” Rose answered with a heavy dose of sarcasm. 

The TARDIS crossed her arms. “It’s not going exactly to plan.”

“What did you expect,” Rose shouted. “You went mucking about in his head, placing some foreign presence inside of it with no explanation of who or what it is. Of course it’s going to freak him out.”

“You asked to be closer to him, now you are.” 

“Not like this! I never meant like this,” Rose said with exasperation. “I mean, how could you?” Rose was stopped short when a thought popped into her head. “Wait. So last night, those dreams...”

The TARDIS turned away, biting at her nails, confirming Rose’s suspicions. 

“They weren’t dreams at all, were they? They were memories...his memories! How could you show me that without his consent?” Rose shivered, feeling nauseous as another wave of pain crashed through her head. “Reverse it,” she demanded. “Reverse it now.”

“I can’t and I won’t. It could injure both of you if I tried to sever it now. I was barely able to protect him from that pain the first time,” the TARDIS explained.

“Wait, so he didn’t feel it the first time our bond broke,” Rose asked. 

“No,” she replied. “Well, he has had a difficult time adjusting but he assumes that was out of normal grief. I was able to protect him from the worst of it.”

“Well, bully for him,” Rose remarked, trying not to be jealous. 

The TARDIS turned back to her with sympathetic eyes. “If there was any way to protect you, Rose, I would have done so but-“

“I know, I know,” she replied with a dismissive wave of her hand. “It’s fine.” It wasn’t, but it was too late to complain about it now. Rose took a deep breath and released it. “Okay, so what do we do now? How do we fix it?”

The TARDIS perched on the end of her bed once more and leaned toward Rose. “You have to convince him to stop,” she stressed. 

“You say that like it’s going to be so simple,” Rose sighed while exaggerating the roll of her eyes. 

“You can do it,” the TARDIS encouraged. “He listens to you.”

“Ha,” she exclaimed. “Hardly and even that took two years of building trust, of knowing each other. Now, what? You just expect me to waltz into his head uninvited, unannounced, unknown, and ask for his trust…with his mind?!”

“Come off it, he knows you don’t pose any real threat to his mind,” she condescended to Rose like she was she was speaking to a child. “He just resents the intrusion.”

“I don’t blame him.”

“Rose,” the TARDIS snapped in a tone the brokered no arguments. “My Time Lord is bit the most skilled telepath but he is still over nine hundred years old. He has centuries of experience on you. He could swat your mind away like a fly, leaving you seriously injured.”

“I thought I was some kind of impervious being now? You know, all-powerful, indestructible, immortal?”

The TARDIS chuckled and then pursed her lips. “Rose Tyler you are many things: connected to me and the time vortex, yes…powerful, telepathic, tenacious, brave, compassionate, unique, singular in all of the universe, yes…but all-powerful? No. Not even I am all-powerful. Your very essence is soaked in the time vortex. Huon particles have saturated your whole system, keeping you young, healthy, even regenerating your cells after injury but you are still human. Drawing on the power of the vortex is going to drain you of energy so it is possible for you die if you sustain enough damage. Even you still have limits.”

“Is that why I still feel so drained after crossing-“

“The Void?”

Rose nodded. 

The woman in front of her sighed. “I knew that crossing would be…difficult. I hadn’t expected the severity of injuries that your body sustained in that universe.”

Rose barked out a humorless laugh. “Yeah.” She started as a horrifying thought occurred to her. “I’m seeing the Doctor’s memories…does that mean he’s seeing mine?” 

The TARDIS was already shaking her head; dark curls bouncing on her shoulders. “No, no, of course not. Can you imagine the distraction that would cause him?” She gave Rose a weighty and knowing look. “No, what you saw were his dreams. He was dreaming of those memories. That will be the easiest time for you to connect with him. During sleep telepathic defenses naturally relax like any other muscle in your body. That is why you saw his dreams.”

Rose nodded. “Okay, but then how does this work? If you are reestablishing the link, does that mean it’s going to stay open like this all the time, this one-way phone call? I’m going to be dreaming his memories forever?”

“So many questions, little wolf,” the TARDIS grumbled as she stood and began pacing. “I don’t think you fully appreciate how difficult it is for me to approach you in this fashion! Nor do you appreciate how difficult it is to remain present in one moment! I am an inter-dimensional being! My ‘mind’ spans all the knowledge across time and space! Trying to keep me in the present is like trying to shove an elephant through the eye of a needle!” 

Rose straightened against her pillows and rubbed at her temples. “Well excuse me for wanting to know what’s going on inside my own head! I’ve faced a lot of changes in the last week with very little information. And I told you to stop calling me that!” 

Rose dropped her head into her hands and let loose little sobs as the agony in her brain reached a crescendo. Suddenly, as soon as it had come, the pain was gone. It didn’t dissipate or fade, her head was in absolute anguish and then it disappeared. And it its stead, for the first time in twelve years, Rose’s mind felt almost whole…complete…like she’d regained a missing limb. Spending years making torment her new normal, Rose was caught unaware by how profound its absence would be and the sheer beauty brought tears to her eyes. 

The TARDIS rushed forward, and, kneeling down, placed her hands on Rose’s shoulders, concern flaring in her dark eyes. “Wolf! Are you alright?!”

Cheeks wet with moisture, Rose tried to shoo her away but she remained rooted in place.

“Wolf! Rose! Answer me. Are you alright?!”

Rose looked up into her eyes and sobbed out, “I’m good. I’m good.” Her voice faltered as she wiped at her cheeks. “I’m really good.”

The TARDIS’ face clouded with confusion. “If you are ‘good’ then why are you…leaking,” she asked with a distasteful grimace. 

Rose’s answering laugh sounded more like a sob. “Because m’happy.”

The woman’s brow furrowed. “That doesn’t make sense.”

Rose laughed through her tears. “Maybe not.”

Eyeing her like she was going mad, the TARDIS asked, “Did he stop?”

Rose nodded. “Yeah. I wonder why.”

The TARDIS sat back on her heels, staring into vacant space, and then her lips lifted in a ghost of a smile. 

“What,” Rose asked. 

Shaking her head, she stood and stroked Rose’s temple length hair, deciding to keep her secrets for now. “Get some rest little wolf. You will need it.”


	6. Because I Know the Sun is Shining

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The difficulties of remaining anonymous.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recap: _The TARDIS sat back on her heels, staring into vacant space, and then her lips lifted in a ghost of a smile. _
> 
> _“What,” Rose asked. _
> 
> _Shaking her head, she stood and stroked Rose’s temple length hair, deciding to keep her secrets for now. “Get some rest little wolf. You will need it.”_

When Rose woke the next morning she felt more human than she had in twelve years. Ironically, this was only due to very alien connection she now shared with her Doctor but it didn’t feel alien to her. It felt like coming home after a long trip. It felt like a warm hug from a lost loved one, which she supposed it almost was. As she sat up in bed, Rose closed her eyes and concentrated on a small spot in her mind; a tiny ball of blue-silver crackling light that represented her Doctor. His presence felt so small and almost insignificant but she knew from experience that its lack felt like a gaping wound. The TARDIS said she had “bridged the gap” between them…whatever that meant. Did it mean the connection would disappear whenever the TARDIS stopped her ‘assistance’? They couldn’t use her as a crutch forever. Would this connection fade into nonexistence? Would it get stronger? She sighed in frustration. She had so many questions, only a few of which the TARDIS ever deigned to answer. Still, the important thing was that she felt like herself again. She didn’t feel broken. She reached out to that ball of silver-blue light in a loving, grateful, caress, only to snatch back as a zap of static jolted through her system. The ball of light snapped and crackled in agitation. 

Rose sucked in a sharp breath. “Right, right, you have no idea who I am. I’m sorry.”

Foregoing any further inspection, she pulled back, leaving her Doctor to his irritation. It bothered her that he didn’t know that she was in his head. His outright hostility made her uncomfortable. He never treated her like that, even when they first met. He was a little rough around the edges, to be sure, but he had never been openly hostile towards her. Releasing a heavy pent up breath, Rose decided to put those thoughts away for now. There was nothing she could do about it, not here, not now. The best thing for both of them was to leave him in peace.

Trying to ignore the temptation of the Doctor’s presence, Rose dressed with halting, robotic motions and choked down her unappetizing breakfast. Nutrition bars were already getting old. Once she was prepared, Rose cast a hard glance at the key and dog tags sitting on the edge of the bed…her telepathic dampener and perception filter. She didn’t want to take them. She wanted the Doctor to see her, to know her. She felt a sharp stab of rebuke from the TARDIS and yelped. 

“Fine dammit,” she grumbled snatching up the chain and draping it around her neck. 

She stumbled as the world around her seemed to dull. It hadn’t, of course, Rose was pretty sure of that, but it did feel like she was moving through a fog. The TARDIS had bolstered her abilities? That was a huge understatement. She had gone from feeling more alive than she’d ever felt to this crashing blandness. She could feel her connections to the Doctor and the TARDIS but they felt faded and faint. Would this really be worth it? Hissing in discomfort, Rose rolled her shoulders. Gathering her resolve, she steadied her feet and walked out of the door, grabbing her firearm along the way. She put the selfish question from her mind. Of course it was worth it. It was her Doctor. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

It was another two days before she saw the Doctor or any of the Jones family again. She spent the time with other soldiers on exhausting training exercises and patrols through the terrified streets of London. It was mind-boggling how a civilization deteriorated in these circumstances. The roads were littered with cars. Buildings were burned out, still smoldering in some places, and the frightened faces that peaked out behind shattered windows seemed sickly and sallow…barely human. Rose trudged back to the TARDIS each of these nights bone-weary and demoralized. So much for Rose Tyler protector of Earth. Earth was destroyed in her absence and even if she somehow found a way to rescue the Doctor, defeat the Master, and save Earth, the world that she had witnessed would not return to its former glory for decades…maybe centuries. 

Every night these doubts haunted her thoughts and, in those dark moments of despair, she would wrap herself in the warmth of her connection to the Doctor. And he…well, it depended on his mood. Some moments he would lash out at her in a fit of fury; others he would hold her just as tightly, as if some uncontrollable urge compelled them to lean on each other for comfort and support. It was a revolutionary feeling for Rose. Other than her mother, Mickey, and the Doctor, Rose didn’t lean on many people. No offense meant to her other friends and family, but those were the only people who knew Rose for who and what she was. Even Mickey and her mother didn’t know or understand every part of her. Part of her heart was reserved for her Doctor alone and it would continue to mourn him forever until they had a proper reunification. 

As cheesy and trite as they sounded, Rose clung to these sentiments during the rough days apart until she was assigned to the Jones’ family again. As Rose made her way through the bowels of the Valiant to the cage that made up the Jones’ quarters, her fingers and toes tingled in anticipation. Her stomach was filled with butterflies and she was trying to suppress a smile, lest the other soldiers began to suspect her deception. She was able to maintain this facade up to the moment that she was left alone with Tish and the two women embraced. 

“Oh Rose,” Tish cried. “I was so worried about you. I thought you were found out.”

“No,” she replied with a chuckle. “Just stuck doing other boring things. How are you?”

Tish stepped back and shrugged “About the same. The Doctor is still working on his plan. He says it will be a few more months still.”

Rose could see Tish’s disappointment and wished, not for the first time, that she could do something more to help. But the TARDIS’ warning still rang in her ears...no interference. 

“How is he,” she asked, digging for information and wondering if their renewed connection had as profound an effect on him as it did on her.

“About the same…Saxon won’t let up on him. He has seemed...less gloomy though.”

It was a small affirmation but it warmed Rose’s heart nonetheless. “Have you told him about me?”

Tish ducked her head as if ashamed. “No, I’m sorry. You disappeared right after our first meeting and I thought that Saxon found you. People disappear around here a lot these days and it never means anything good. If you are a friend of the Doctor, I didn’t want to burden him with the knowledge that you were missing.”

Rose gave her an encouraging smile. “I understand and you’re right. We shouldn’t burden him with this and I would ask that you not tell him until this is all over.”

“If it ever is,” Tish croaked. 

Rose wrapped a comforting arm around her shoulder. “It will be. You just need to have faith. I’ve seen him get out of tighter spots than this before. If the Doctor says he can do this, he can. And if that isn’t good enough for you, then have faith in your sister. She’s still out there, remember?”

A small tear escaped Tish’s eye. “Oh, I hope Martha is alright...wherever she is.”

“I’m sure she is,” Rose affirmed with determination. “The Doctor only takes the best. If your sister was with him, then she’s one of the best. Just trust her.” 

Tish sniffled and nodded. “We should get going. I can’t fall behind.”

As excited as Rose was to see the Doctor, Tish had other duties to perform. They went about the tasks together. Rose had never been good at watching other people work. At last, on pins and needles, she escorted Tish, with a serving tray piled high with silver dishes to the Master’s private quarters. As they approached the door a heavy weight seemed to settle around them. Rose’s anticipation had morphed into anxiety. She fiddled with the chain around her neck. Would the key be able to hide her from the Doctor and the Master? It had before but what would she do if it didn’t? 

She looked more like herself now than she had a few days before. What if he recognized her? Her cheeks weren’t as thin. Her eyes were not as dark and sunken. Her skin was getting back a bit of its glow and her hair, although tucked up into her cap and a few shades darker, was longer, almost covering her ears. She felt a mild concern about this. What if it just never stopped growing? She’d look like Rapunzel in a month or so. She looked up to find Tish studying her. 

“You and the Doctor are more than friends aren’t you,” she asked with a shrewd arch of her brow. 

Rose opened her mouth to reply but didn’t know what to say. “I’m not sure I have the answer to that.”

Tish seemed to examine her conflicted expression for the truth before she nodded. “Fair enough, we never do know do we? Blokes seem to be blokes all across the universe. But you should know that my sister is infatuated with him,” she said with a roll of her eyes.

Rose almost barked out a laugh as the memory of her mother’s same accusation popped into her mind. She sighed. “Who isn’t?”

Tish shrugged. “If it makes you feel any better, I think he is clueless.”

Rose’s mouth turned up in a wry grin. She doubted that he was oblivious, although the Doctor was skilled at playing like it. Setting her shoulders Rose reached for the door handle. Looking back at Tish, she checked one final time. “You ready.”

The young woman squared her shoulders and took a steadying breath. “Yeah.”

She turned the handle and braced herself for anything. Nothing could have prepared Rose however, for what she found behind this door. As they walked in, both women froze in horror. The Doctor sat in his chair, his back arched in an unnatural curve and his face contorted in a silent scream as the Master stood over him, fingers locked at his temples, his brows drawn together in concentration. It took Rose a moment to realize what she was seeing but then outrage consumed her. She stepped forward determined to stop the atrocity being committed. 

“Don’t.” She heard Tish’s frantic whisper. 

Rose froze in place, staring on as this monster raped her Doctor’s mind. The Doctor shared with her long ago the ethics surrounding telepathy. You never, ever, entered someone’s mind without consent and especially never by force except in the most extreme of cases. It was considered an egregious sin. It was part of what made her so angry with the TARDIS when she bridged their telepathic connection. She didn’t want to be this kind of evil.

Now, as she watched on in revulsion, fury like she’d never known began to build inside her. How dare he, how dare this man touch her Doctor. Outrage made her fists clench and Rose burned with hatred. It filled her mind until all she saw was red and then, when she could no longer contain the violent emotion, it spilled over, bringing her connection to the Doctor to life on instinct. It was difficult, like drinking a thick ice cream shake through a straw, but she pushed all of her ire towards the Doctor, intent on wiping this invader from his mind.

She heard a sudden scream and her eyes flew open just in time to see the Master fall to the floor, clutching his head. In the next second her weak mind lost the battle with the dampener and everything snapped back to normal. The connection faded and dwindled until only the vague impression of it remained. Rose stumbled on her feet and caught herself on the back of a plush sitting chair, shaking her head in an effort to clear it. She felt drained. She looked up to see an equally disheveled Master stand to shaky feet, rubbing at his temples. He turned furious eyes on the Doctor now slumped in his chair. 

“What was that,” he demanded, angry spittle spewing from his mouth. 

Breathless, he replied, “I-I don’t know.”

The crack of the Master’s backhand on the Doctor’s cheek rang through the room. Rose winced in sympathy and raced forward, only to be stopped by Tish. 

Unaware or uncaring of their presence, the Master again demanded, “What was that?!”

Gasping in pained breaths, he again replied, “I don’t know.” 

The Master’s second blow was hard enough to make him stumble with its force and cause blood to drip from the Doctor’s nose. Rose sucked in an indignant breath.

“Tell me,” the Master raved. 

Slumped and wheezing, the Doctor stressed, “Koschei, I don’t know. I’m sorry. I don’t.”

Roaring, the Master kicked him in the chest, sending the wheelchair reeling across the floor until it hit a table and sent him sprawling on the marble. At last the Master turned wild eyes on the two women. “You,” he barked gesturing at Tish. “Fetch my wife.”

Tish glanced at Rose and set her tray on a table near the bed before she rushed off, leaving Rose alone with the irate Time Lord. Rose was smart enough to know that she should be scared but she refused to give him the satisfaction as the Master turned his glare on her. Her fury made her brave and she stared right back at him, refusing to cower. 

“You,” he growled. “Clean this mess up and take that disgusting thing back to his doghouse. I don’t want to lay an eye on him for the rest of the day.”

Rose lifted her chin and gave a curt nod, wishing that looks could kill. 

The Master’s eyes narrowed and he leaned in close until she could feel his breath at her ear. “Is there a problem?”

Rose cracked her jaw and whispered, “No.”

“No-,” he prompted with an arrogant lift of his nose. 

Rose gritted her teeth. “No, sir.”

“Good,” he spat. “Now get him out of here before my wife arrives.” 

The Master stormed into the en suite, slamming the door behind him. Seconds later, Rose heard the shower burst to life. She whipped her weapon off her shoulder, dropping it into an armchair by the window before she rushed to the Doctor’s side and fell to her knees. He stirred, releasing an agonized groan. 

Rose placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Doctor, Doctor are you alright?”

He rolled to his back, blinking away his disorientation. 

“Doctor,’ she prompted placing a gloved hand on his cheek. “Look at me.” Dazed, he followed her instructions and turned those brown doe eyes on her. Rose smiled; they were still the same eyes, even inside this older face. They were still the same eyes that she lost herself in a thousand times. “There we are,” she cooed at him as she smoothed the lapels of his jacket. “Hello.”

His glazed eyes focused on her in an instant and narrowed with suspicion. Oh shit, she inwardly grimaced. Why had she said that?

“Who are you,” he demanded. 

“I-I’m-I’m…Smith,” she replied, pointing to the name sewn into her jacket and trying to appear innocent. “Are you alright?”

He stared at her hard before shaking his head and blinking his eyes. “Yes, I’m sorry. For a second, you looked like someone else…someone impossible.”

Her heart leapt. Did he see her in spite of the dampener? Rose cleared her throat and tried to drop her voice a little lower. “It’s alright. Just relax.”

He dropped his head back to the hard floor. 

Rose winced. “Be careful. Now look here. How many fingers am I holding up?”

He looked toward her once again, stared for a second and then rubbed at his eyes. “Two, I think. Everything is a little blurry. It must be these old eyes.”

“That’s okay,” she assured him. “I’m just going to check you out, okay? Then we will get you back into your chair. Just lie back.”

He obliged her, lying back and rubbing at his eyes again. They seemed to be bothering him. Rose brow furrowed in concern as she moved over him. She wrapped her arms around his chest probing with gentle fingers along his spine. As her hands moved lower to his sacrum, he startled. 

“Does that hurt,” she asked, alarmed at his reaction. 

His withered cheeks colored and he cleared his throat. “No. It’s just a little…familiar.”

Rose abruptly pulled her arms from around his torso with a nervous chuckle. “Sorry about that. I was just trying to see if you were hurt.”

“I understand,” he replied with a gentle smile. 

Rose regarded his chest, uncertain as how to proceed. She wanted to check his hearts but…she couldn’t make it obvious that she knew he had two. That might give something away, right? Ugh, this espionage crap was frustrating. “I uh, I need to check your breathing.” 

The Doctor nodded with an indulgent quirk of his lips. “Okay,”

Rose leaned over his supine form and pressed an ear to his chest. “Deep breath.” She almost blushed. It was quite intimate, lying on his chest, listening to his breaths and the beat of his heart, rising and falling with the movement. 

“What do you think,” he asked. 

She started and pulled her head off of his chest, ducking his gaze. “Other side,” she prompted as she turned her opposite ear against his chest. “Deep breath.” She tried not to lose her wits again as she listened with intent and then straightened. “It sounds good. Do you want to try sitting up?” He nodded and she grabbed his arm trying to steady him as he sat up straight with only a slight sway. “Easy, easy, not too fast.” 

Once he was upright, the Doctor shook his head, squeezed his eyes shut and opened them wide again. 

Rose’s brows drew together in concern. “Something wrong?”

“Yes,” he grumbled rubbing at the bridge of his nose. “Are you wearing a perception filter? An exceptionally strong one?”

Her eyes went wide. “I-um…” She thought about lying. She could try and convince him otherwise but experience told her that would never work. He may drop the accusation for now but he would never trust her and she wanted that trust. She sighed. “Yes, I am”

His eyes narrowed on her. “Why?”

Rose shrugged, affecting an air of nonchalance. “Why does anyone wear one? I don’t want to be noticed. Now, let’s get you up in your chair.” 

She moved toward him and he jerked away. “I’m old, not infirm. I don’t need your help.”

Rolling her eyes Rose sat back on her feet and watched him struggle to his knees. When he tried to stand and looked as though he may fall over, she stood up and wrapped her arm around his back, allowing him to use her body as a crutch before he collapsed into the chair. Rose fussed over him, trying to make him more comfortable.

“I don’t need your help,” he grumbled between panting breaths. 

“Okay, okay,” she surrendered stepping back with her hands in the air.

The Doctor studied her and then blinked again. “Can you take that thing off? It’s annoying. It’s so strong, it’s blurring my vision.”

Rose shook her head. “No. I’m sorry.”

“Why not,” he demanded. “We’re alone.”

Rose rocked on her heels and smiled at him. She was sympathetic to his curiosity but this was a dangerous line of questioning. The TARDIS’ warning still niggled at her mind. She needed to be careful.

“You’re not hiding from him, are you?”

She shook her head again. 

“You’re hiding from me.” It wasn’t a question but more of an accusation. 

She ducked her eyes from his view, more than a little ashamed at her deception. 

“Why?”

She glanced at him. “I can’t tell you that.”

“Why not?” He was using that very quiet voice on her. She heard that tone a hundred times but never directed at her. It was the soft rumble of thunder before the Oncoming Storm. 

That tone raised her hackles and Rose huffed in irritation. “Because I’ve been told that I can’t.”

“BY WHO,” he shouted when he lost his patience. 

“I CAN’T TELL YOU,” she replied with equal gusto, crossing her arms over her chest. 

The sound of running water from the en suite came to an abrupt end. The pair looked away from each other, frustrated. She knew that it wasn’t fair to get upset with him. He didn’t know who she was, after all. Hell, after what she’d been through, he probably wouldn’t recognize her even without the perception filter. She just wasn’t that girl anymore and if the tables were turned, she would be just as suspicious. As evidenced by how she reacted when he regenerated. She even threatened him. Sighing in defeat she turned back to the Doctor who was still looking away from her. 

“Doctor,” she sighed. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to fight with you. I understand that this is difficult and you don’t trust me. But please just…just give me a chance. I promise I will not let you down but we need to get you out of here before that areshole comes back.”

She stepped forward and grabbed the handles of his chair, leading him out of the room. Once they were in the hallway with the door sealed behind them, they both seemed to relax. She put some distance between them and that room before she at last stopped and circled his chair, kneeling in front of him. He turned toward her with wary, hopeful, eyes squinting tight in a desperate effort to work out her identity. Somehow she knew that the next word out of his mouth would be…

“Rose?”

She paused just long enough to be credible. “Who,” she asked, layering her voice with curiosity.

His face fell and her heart twisted in her chest. “Never mind. It’s for the best anyway.”

The hopelessness in his voice made her want to cry. “What do you mean? Who is Rose?”

He sighed. “No one. It’s not important. Like I said, it’s for the best. I don’t know what I would do if the Master ever…” he trailed off. “Anyway, it looks like we are still at an impasse. I don’t trust you and you can’t give me any information that might engender my trust.”

“Oh,” Rose exclaimed, snapping her fingers. “I brought you a gift, stole it right off Saxon’s breakfast trays, something that you love. If I give it to you and I’m right, you can trust me. If you don’t like it then… I don’t know what I’ll do. What do you think?”

The old Doctor narrowed his eyes again. “You brought me a gift?”

“Yes, I did,” she stated with exasperation. “Now stop being so grumpy or I’ll just keep it.”

He rolled his eyes. “Fine. Give it to me.”

“Great!” Rose clapped with excitement and began rooting through the pockets of her fatigues. 

She was elbow deep in the pocket on her left thigh when the Time Lord interrupted her. “Okay, okay, I believe you. No need to keep exploring all of your inter-dimensional pockets just to prove a point. We’re friends, I get it. That joke isn’t as funny when you are on the other side.”

She laughed at him. “I didn’t even know these trousers could do that. These are the best fatigues I’ve ever owned. And incidentally, I know what you mean. I’m always on the other side of that joke. About the third or fourth time, the magic of it has vanished. But I do have a…ah-ha! Here I found it!” Rose produced a perfect, ripe, yellow banana and handed it to him. He accepted it as ghost of a smile crossed his lips and his eyes began to mist over. “What’s wrong,” she asked with concern. “You love bananas. Bananas are good.”

He gave a watery chuckle. “I do. I do love bananas, thank you.”

“Then, why are you upset?”

“It’s nothing,” he dismissed with a shrug. “It’s just nice to have a friend, I guess.”

She nodded in agreement. “I understand that.”


	7. On the Other Side of the Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose is finding it difficult to not interfere with her Doctor's captivity. He seems so lost and she only wants to provide him comfort in these difficult times. Will she be able to resist temptation and maintain her distance?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recap: _“What’s wrong,” she asked with concern. “You love bananas. Bananas are good.”_
> 
> _He gave a watery chuckle. “I do. I do love bananas, thank you.”_
> 
> _“Then, why are you upset?”_
> 
> _“It’s nothing,” he dismissed with a shrug. “It’s just nice to have a friend, I guess.”_
> 
> _She nodded in agreement. “I understand that.”_
> 
> Warning: There are some mild depictions of torture in this chapter. So, be warned.

Having reached some unspoken truce, Rose fussed with the blanket over his legs and his posture, trying to make him more comfortable before rising up to push him forward. All the while, the Doctor stared at the fruit in his hand, his pensive brow furrowed in deep concentration. He looked so intent, Rose worried the thing would soon burst into a gooey mess. 

As they wandered the metal corridors, she leaned down and murmured, “I’m sorry Doctor but I don’t think it has the answers you’re looking for.”

He jumped. “Wha-“

She nudged his shoulder. “Eat, Doctor. I doubt he’s feeding you properly and you need to take the calories where you can get them. Trust me, I know.”

He gave her a speculative glance before peeling the banana and taking a deliberate, large, bite. His involuntary hum of pleasure was music to Rose’s ears. Right now, as a true apocalypse ravaged the world below, she took the small victories where she could get them. Satisfied that her Doctor wasn’t starving, Rose walked on until she came to an intersection of hallways. 

“You may have to help me. I have no idea where I’m going.”

He motioned her to keep heading forward as he devoured the rest of his snack. Rose shrugged and followed his instructions through a maze of corridors and lifts. 

“You’re quiet,” she observed, breaking long moments of silence. “Something on your mind?”

“Would that surprise you,” he snapped.

“Oh I see, now that I don’t have any gifts for you, you’re allowed to get all fussy again,” she teased. 

“No but,” he sighed. “You can’t fault me for being skeptical. You show up out of thin air claiming to be a ‘friend’ but you offer no corroborating information.”

“What? I-“

“Knowing my favorite fruit doesn’t count,” he drawled. “By all common sense, I shouldn’t trust you.”

Rose chuckled. “But you do,” she sing-songed. 

The Doctor did not reply beyond a wry grin and a shake of his head. At last, they arrived at the large steel door from her first trip out of the TARDIS. It led to the flight deck. She paused. 

“Why are we here,” she asked, confused but then something in her brain clicked. _‘Take him back to his doghouse,’_ the Master said. And the first day with Tish…the tent and the dog bowl. _“They have a dog,” _she’d asked. _“No,”_ was Tish’s ominous reply.

She froze. “No, no, no, no, no.”

“What,” the Doctor asked around his last mouthful of fruit. 

She stood in front of him, gesturing at the closed doors. “Please do not tell me that he treats you like the dog!”

The Doctor swallowed and looked ashamed. “If only I could.”

Growling, Rose gripped the bridge of her nose, rubbing hard. “And you’re telling me I can’t do anything to interfere with this,” she mumbled to herself.

“What?”

Rose sighed. “Nothing.”

She squared her shoulders and pushed the Doctor’s chair through the door. Once again, she spied that makeshift tent and bowl at the end of the room. Rage burned inside her as she drew closer and helped the Doctor out of his chair. She removed his jacket before rolling the material between her hands and placing behind his head as he relaxed on a bundle of blankets. She tried to keep her mind clear, to remain clinical and detached, but all the while his intense stare scrutinized her, trying in vain to catalogue her features. When she finished seeing to his comfort, she knelt beside the impromptu bed and he growled in frustration. 

“I can’t even see you clearly,” he griped, huffing with exhaustion as if every word expended more energy than he could bear. “Why do I trust you?”

Putting her anger aside, she gave him a sly grin. “Well, you’re clever aren’t you? You’re always telling me what a genius you are.”

“That doesn’t sound at all like me,” he answered with a prim sniff before breaking into a chuckle. 

Rose giggled along. “Oh Doctor, you haven’t changed that much.”

His grin slid from his lips as his intent eyes bored into her soul. “Rose?”

Her brows drew together and her heart lurched. “You keep calling me by that name. Who is she?”

He studied her for a few seconds more before shaking his head. “No one. You should get out of here…hide,” he fretted. The Master-“

“Let’s get something straight,” she interrupted, ignoring his rapid subject change. “I do not need you to protect me. I can protect myself. So from now on I don’t want you to worryin’ about me. You have a job to do, as do I. So do it and that’s enough, for now. Once this is all over you’ll know exactly who I am but, until then, don’t waste your time worryin’ over me.”

His dubious smirk made her feel caught out. “I guess you won’t be worrying over me then?” She returned his skeptical gaze but otherwise remained silent. She wouldn’t be able to pull off that lie. “That’s what I thought,” he replied, smug as anything. 

“A’right Doctor, but I don’t have an entire planet of people countin’ on me, do I,” she chastised. The Time Lord’s face fell and the weight of a world seemed to crush him. Rose winced. “What I mean is that I shouldn’t be adding to your burden,” she cooed, as she leaned forward to adjust the blanket over his chest. “I am the most insignificant thing that you should be stressing your pretty little head over.”

“And yet, the most intriguing,” he replied, catching her eye with a rakish grin. 

Rose chuckled, sitting back on her feet. “Are you flirtin’ with me Doctor?”

“Is that skepticism I hear,” he quipped. “What’s wrong? Geriatric chic doesn’t work for you?”

She scoffed. “You do not look that old.”

“Yes, I do.”

“Well, you’ve looked old before and I’m sure you’ll look old again. You’re over 900 years old after all. Besides,” she reasoned, regarding him with a tender smile. “You seem the same to me.” They locked eyes for long moments before he coughed and looked away. “I better get going,” she excused as she stood but he reached forward to grab her hand and she paused, looking down at him. “What’s wrong?”

He tried to shrug, feigning nonchalance, but the tension in his shoulders gave him away. She took a quick glance around the empty, quiet room. She then looked back at the Doctor’s tense face and smiled. 

“Guess I could stay, for now,” she conceded. “But you need to try and get some rest. You look exhausted. ” 

His bright grin lit up the room and in that moment, Rose could see _her_ Doctor, older or not. She flopped into his wheelchair and couldn’t resist the temptation to play with it like a juvenile. The frivolousness of her actions was freeing; she hadn’t had this kind of freedom in ages. When she popped the little wheels up into the air she looked to the Doctor in triumph. He stared at her, baffled by her behavior. Blushing, she set the wheels back on the ground and shrugged. The Doctor laughed with genuine amusement and Rose returned it with a tongue-touched grin. 

He spent the next several minutes not-so-subtly grilling her about her identity before she groaned. “Doctor, I really can’t tell you who I am, no matter how much I may want to. I just really, really can’t. If you can’t accept that then I need to go.”

“No, no,” he relented with his hands in the air. “I’ll be good. I promise.”

She studied his innocent smile. “You expect me to believe that?”

He reached forward and grabbed her knee with a gentle squeeze “Please, stay.”

Rose expelled a deep breath and relaxed. “Okay but you need to stop interrogatin’ me.”

“Yes ma’am,” he said with a salute and she chuckled in response.

They talked about everything and nothing for what felt like hours when she noticed him nodding off. Rose navigated her extraction from the noisy chair and kneeled down to once again fiddle with the blanket around him. She stared at his peaceful face, happy that he was getting some rest. Without thought, she leaned down and whispered, “G’night, Doctor. Get some rest and…dream of what you need most. I love you.” She brushed her hand over his forehead 

At last, she stood and tiptoed toward the door, casting one last glance over her shoulder before closing it behind her. Her long walk back to the TARDIS was lonely. Each step that she took away from her Doctor made her heart ache and she yearned to turn back, to take him home. It felt like a betrayal, leaving him in the hands of that monster and she almost gave in a dozen times but she placed one foot in front of the other with resolute determination. She thought about finding Tish. Rose wasn’t sure she could handle the lonesome quiet of the TARDIS but there was no telling where she would be and every minute spent wandering these corridors was a risk. Not to mention that after what she did to help the Doctor today her brain felt like mush. She couldn’t even think about it yet, not with the ache setting up residence behind her eyes. She trudged along her reluctant way with her rifle ignored and bumping at her hip. When she at last approached her cheerful blue home, Rose once again left the weapon outside, out of respect for the Doctor, more than anything. 

Heart heavy, she stepped inside, flinching when the sound of the doors closing behind her echoed through the cavernous room. Her shoulders slumped forward…alone again. The red columns’ gory glow seemed to mock her, turning one of her favorite places in the universe into something out of a horror film. The Master gutted and frankenstiened her into this…thing. He had crippled her; much like he had to her Doctor. She swiped at a tear, seeing the Doctor like that, witnessing the Master’s depravity against him was incomprehensible. It made her feel weak and helpless to defend him. How could she have just left him there to endure more of that? Her heart lurched and her eyes burned as she walked into her temporary quarters and flipped on the light, wincing against the sudden brightness of the clinical white walls. Their glare seemed to pierce right through her skull like an ice pick, ripping at mental wounds still raw and gaping. Rose’s hand drifted up to her sternum rubbing at the smooth unblemished skin. Fury bubbled up in her chest as she ripped off her boots and hurled them at the offensive thing.

“GODDAMN WHITE WALLS,” she screamed as furious tears started streaming down her face. 

She collapsed into a heap on the floor, sobbing as memories of her captivity with Torchwood threatened to drag her under. They began to fly by like some kind of macabre movie montage except this was real life, no red dyed corn syrup or plastic knives. It was her blood that flowed like ribbons in her mind; she was drowning in it. She was going to be sick. Rose scrambled to her feet, making it to the sink seconds before she vomited the meager contents of her stomach. She continued to heave long after it was empty until she slumped against the counter, spent. She stared unseeing at the wall, her mind blessedly empty at last. She braced her shaky legs and stood, rinsing the sink and her puffy face. She carded her wet hands through her short hair, cooling her scalp, and tried to gain her bearings. 

She looked toward the bed where a deep plum gown lay like an offering. She stumbled forward and collapsed, running the soft dark material through her fingers. The color was so rich and warm, shimmering in the light as it rippled through her fingers. It made her feel grounded and calm. She tore off all of her clothes and dropped them into a pile. Slipping the silky gown over her head, Rose sighed in pleasure. She crawled toward the head of the bed but paused when she felt her necklace catch on the neck of her gown. She glared down at the piece of metal and sat, curling her feet beneath her as she turned the dog tags and key over in her fingers. Resenting the barrier it created between her and the Doctor, she ripped the thing over her head and sucked in a surprised breath, filling her lungs for what felt like the first time that day. She could feel her connection to the TARDIS, felt her concern, and sighed when she swooped into her mind, soothing Rose’s frayed nerves. She could feel the Doctor, however faint he may be, and she was tempted to reach out to him but stayed the impulse. Hopefully he was still sleeping and her interference would only agitate him. Feeling his presence was enough for now. She whimpered and threw the necklace on top of her clothes before crawling back to her pillow. She ignored the gentle prodding of the TARDIS. She wanted Rose to eat but that just wasn’t happening now. Instead, she snuggled under the covers and hugged her pillow to her chest. She begged that she shut the lights off and the TARDIS relented, settling inactive and peaceful into the background of Rose’s mind as she drifted fitfully into sleep with tears drying on her cheeks. 

\---------------------------------------------------------

_Rose knew she was dreaming before she even opened her eyes. She could feel it in the haziness of her senses and that timeless sensation but as she cracked her lids she still felt a sharp spike of fear pierce her heart. Her face was covered in a heavy wet rag. She struggled to move but her arms and legs were bound tight. She couldn’t move a muscle and her pulse raced ahead of her mind. This wasn’t a nightmare; it was a memory and it felt so real. She was lost in it. _

_“Morning Tyler, “ she heard a gruff voice chuckle with cruel glee._

_That voice, no…no, no, no, that wasn’t possible. Rourke…the man who took center stage in every one of her nightmares was haunting her even now. He couldn’t be here, he couldn’t. She chanted the statement in her head over and over again, trying to remember what had happened before she went to sleep. She was in the TARDIS, snuggling up to a pillow in her white bed with the white walls she hated. Wait…white walls, that didn’t sound like her room on the TARDIS. That sounded like her cell. NO! Her mind was playing tricks on her…but…but what if…what if the TARDIS was the dream? What if it was all a dream? The TARDIS? The Master? Tish? The Doctor? What if it was all some sick dream and she was still inside Torchwood?_

_NO, no! She fought to find reality as gooseflesh rose on her skin. Remember dammit! What was she doing before she went to sleep? She was putting on her gown. She could remember the dark color contrasted against her pale skin. She took off her necklace and she could feel the Doctor. He was real. She could feel him even now._

_“Are you ready for our appointment this morning,” the gut twisting voice purred again at her ear, turning her blood to ice._

_The ball of fear in Rose’s chest unfurled and she screamed in terror before she felt water drench her face, choking her lungs as her body writhed in terror. _

_Then she felt nothing, heard nothing and her bound limbs released. Panicking, she sat up and ripped the cloth off of her face. She looked around in shock and confusion. She was in the TARDIS library. It seemed late, the fire was the only source of light and cast long shadows on the golden coral walls. Yet it didn’t feel intimidating or eerie, instead the small seating area before the fire felt cozy and safe._

_She sat on a pillow with her back to the orange flames. The table in front of her was topped with a beautiful carved chess set with pieces crisscrossed over the colored squares as gentle music played along in the background. The memory clicked into place; she remembered this. It was just after the Wire, she had her face back and they finally made their way to the TARDIS through streets thronged with revelers. When they reached home, neither found that they wanted to be alone for any long stretch of time, despite the clear exhaustion both felt. Instead, they decided to congregate in the library and he taught her chess. Boring? Maybe, but Rose would take any excuse to spend more time with him._

_“Rose,” the Time Lord in question prompted from the couch across her. “Are you okay? Does your head hurt?”_

_Her eyes swung to meet the Doctor’s and she grinned. He was uncharacteristically casual tonight without his jacket and tie. The collar of his Oxford was unbuttoned and the sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, revealing more of his smooth skin than Rose normally got to see. She sighed, resting her chin on her bent knee. Was it pathetic that she now found forearms sexy? He raised a silent brow as a lock of his chestnut hair fell across his forehead. His dark chocolate eyes regarded her with tender amusement, or was that just the flames of the fire dancing in them?_

_“No, sorry,” she said with a chuckle, slipping easily into her roll. “Just thinkin’. You’re not exactly an easy opponent.” She studied the board, judging her best move._

_The Doctor stretched, rubbing at his neck. “Don’t feel discouraged, Rose. You’ve caught on with remarkable speed but I am a Time Lord and-“_

_Rose placed down her knight and interrupted, “There, isn’t that check mate?”_

_The Doctor paused and looked down in surprise. His eyes narrowed and he examined the board, his intent brows drawn in disbelief. _

_Rose giggled, relishing a chance to relive this precious memory. “Did I win? I did, didn’t I?”_

_“So you did, Rose Tyler. Very well done.” Throwing his hands up in surrender, the Doctor flicked over his king and collapsed back against the cushions with a smile._

_“Yes,” she whooped as she jumped up and did a small victory dance. “Score one for the stupid apes.” She took her pillow and tossed it at him with a playful grin._

_He caught it, laughing along at her display. “You’re never going to let me live this down are you?”_

_“Oh no,” she agreed, chuckling as she hopped onto the sofa next to him. “I’m going to remind you about this every day for the rest of your life.”_

_His amused gaze softened. “Promise?”_

_A heavy silence settled between them, full of unsaid declarations and silent promises. Warmth infused her every cell as the sultry rhythm of And I Love Her by the Beatles drifted through the room. The Doctor cleared his throat and looked away, blushing. Again, he rubbed at his neck and winced._

_“Are you okay,” she asked._

_“Hmmm?”_

_“Your neck, you keep rubbing at it. Are you hurt?”_

_“Oh it’s nothing,” he dismissed away. “Just had a bit of a shock while climbing the transmitter.”_

_She giggled. “What happened to superior biology?”_

_“Well it would have killed you,” he grumbled._

_“Is it serious?_

_He shrugged. “Just a bit sore.”_

_Settling herself cross-legged on the sofa, Rose tugged at his sleeve and gestured to her lap. “Come here.”_

_The Doctor raised a skeptical brow. “What?”_

_She smiled and rolled her eyes. “Just lie down, Doctor.”_

_Still unsure, he hesitated before obeying and resting his head in her lap. She took a deep breath, trying to settle her nerves. Rose slipped her fingers just beneath his collar, found the muscle cluster right where his neck met his shoulder and pressed. His whole body shuddered as he groaned, letting his eyes slip closed before going boneless in her hands. Rose bit her lip to keep from whimpering and instead began to hum along to the melody while she massaged his sore muscles. She tried to be professional, clinical even, but he kept releasing these little moans and sighs that had heat gathering low in her belly. The Doctor sucked in a sharp breath and opened his dark eyes. She froze and they shared a heavy long look._

_“I’ve always wondered what you thinking in this moment,” she whispered, at last breaking with the memory and searching for new meaning in this past Doctor’s eyes. “I always wondered if you were feeling what I did. If you wanted me the way I-the way I wanted you.” Unable to stand his probing stare, even in her dream, she looked away and laughed past her tight throat. “But what am I thinking, you would never-“_

_“Yes,” he answered._

_Rose started. She hadn’t expected him to answer. After all, this was her memory and she assumed that he would be confined to it. “What?”_

_He sighed and sat up so he could look her in the face. “I may not have been brave enough at the time but I’ll be damned if I lie to myself in my dreams.”_

_“Doctor,” she gasped. This was her Doctor...the one in her same time stream. This was his memory and she was just sharing it. _

_He leaned forward and caught her chin between his fingers rubbing his thumb across her bottom lip. “Yes Rose, I wanted you,” he admitted on a low sexy rumble. “It’s hard to remember a time when I haven’t wanted you. And I was so weak. Someone had just stolen your beautiful face, this precious face that means so much to me. After all, I was so busy cataloguing each of your facial muscles as you concentrated that I completely lost track of the game. And gods, I could smell your arousal. Your scent was surrounding me and it was driving me mad.” He moved closer and leaned into her, placing them close enough where she could feel his breaths ghost across her lips. “I wanted to kiss you for hours. I wanted know your taste, especially between your thighs. I wanted to lick you until your knees trembled and then, when I finally entered you, I wanted to hear you cry my name.”_

_Rose was panting and her knickers were soaked. Mesmerized, she leaned forward trying to capture his lips but he evaded her. She almost screeched in frustration. Raising a brow, he carded his fingers through her hair until he reached the base of her skull where he drew her head back, exposing her neck. He leaned in and traced his nose along its length until his lips were at her ear._

_“Gods,” he murmured. “You seem so real. I can feel your warmth. Even your scent is the same.”_

_“Doctor,” she gasped in desperation, fisting her hands in his shirt. “Please.”_

_He turned his head and placed a lingering kiss behind her ear. “This is wrong.”_

_“Why,” she sobbed. “What is so wrong about a dream?”_

_“It’s an insult to your memory,” he explained. “I don’t deserve to just trot out your ghost every time I need you.”_

_Rose quieted and pulled back just enough to study his eyes. “You’re dreaming of me because I’m what you need most,” she asked, awed._

_He nodded. “But it’s not-“_

_“Doctor do know how often I dream of you,” she interrupted his, no doubt formative, argument._

_He shook his head._

_Rose swallowed and moved into his space, straddling his waist. His hands rested on the tops of her things rubbing up and down in long strokes. She shuddered and stared down into chocolate eyes, ensuring he would not be able to avoid her. “I dream about you all the time. In fact, I can promise you that, wherever I am right now, I’m dreaming about you. You are all I have dreamt about from the moment I met you. You don’t just fill my dreams though; you fuel my fantasies.” His dark eyes grew hungry as she continued, “Is that wrong of me? Is it wrong that I touch myself to thoughts of you? Is it wrong that every time I come it is already your name that I shout to the ceiling?”_

_The Doctor lunged forward and claimed her mouth in a fierce kiss. Rose melted against him, meeting his tongue stroke for stroke. He moaned against her lips and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her flush against his body. Rose felt his hardness pressed against her core and she whimpered. His hands tightened on her waist and he tossed her onto the other end of the sofa where she bounced in a daze. She looked up to find the Doctor already pacing a few meters away. He looked tense as he mumbled to himself in agitation._

_“Doctor,” she questioned, still trembling from his touch._

_“Don’t.”_

_Her heart sank but with the last of her hope she still managed to ask, “What?”_

_“DON’T,” he shouted in response. “I’m not doing this! I don’t deserve this.”_

_“Doctor,” she cried, tears filling her eyes._

_“Tell me what really happened,” he demanded._

_“What, “ she asked, playing dumb. _

_“What really happened at the end of this memory? What did I do,” he growled._

_Rose righted herself on the sofa and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. “Doctor why-“_

_“Tell me.”_

_Rose sighed and wiped at the tears on her cheeks, doing everything she could not to look him in the eye. “I tried to kiss you. You had your head in my lap and the way you were looking at me…I thought. So I tried…”_

_“And?”_

_“Um…” She tried to hide her growing discomfort. “You swanned off. You practically ran from me like I was contagious or something.”_

_The Doctor nodded, frowning. “That is who I am and I should never forget it. I am the kind of coward who leaves the woman of his dreams to cry on the sofa alone. I left you there by yourself so that I didn’t have to face what I was feeling. I was a failure to you then and I was failure on the day I lost you. I would do well to remember that. I don’t deserve to paint some rosy picture of our history now, if you’ll please excuse the pun. All I did was fail you.”_

_“Doctor no,” she gasped shaking her head._

_“Just go away,” he cut her off. “Please, I can’t look at her any more.”_

_“I-“_

_“JUST GO,” he shouted, tossing her from him with the flick of his hand._

\--------------------------------------------------------

Rose woke in the dark with tears already staining her cheeks. She was disoriented and trembling as she threw off the covers and sat on the edge of the bed. The TARDIS touched her mind in concern but blessedly kept the lights off. Rose didn’t think she could handle those walls again…not now, not after… 

“Oh Doctor,” she whimpered as she dropped her head into her hands and began to weep in grief, anger, and frustration.

She cried until tears failed her and she could only muster dry sobs. Tonight’s dreams had cut to the very core of her. First, her memory of Torchwood had stripped her down, leaving her vulnerable. Then, the Doctor’s memory…well, it had shattered so many of her illusions that she was left questioning the reality she built in her head. She felt aimless as she tried to organize her tumultuous thoughts. 

That memory, it was one of her favorites…up until the very end. Reliving it knowing his true desires was paradigm shifting. She had worried for years that he was incapable of returning the kind of affection that she held for him. Coming to the realization that he cravenly coveted her in the most carnal of ways made her skin tingle. How was that possible? How could he feel such a burning desire for her and not act on it? _I wanted to lick you until your knees trembled?_ That line still had her knickers wet and rightly so. The man must have the self-discipline of a saint…how annoying. 

Rose flopped back on the mattress, expelling a pent up breath. His grief cut her, though. The regret that he carried contradicted every assumption she made when she ended up in Pete’s World. When the wall first closed, the pain that she felt from their broken bond made her emotional and irrational. She couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t come for her. She refused to believe him when he said the word impossible. After all, this was the same Doctor that faced down an army of Daleks, exterminated the devil, escaped a black hole, and tamed a werewolf. So, she came to the conclusion that he simply didn’t want or need her in the same way she needed him. 

Don’t misunderstand, she knew the Doctor cared for her, was even protective over her and this, she assumed, was the ultimate feeling that convinced him to let her go. He always had this idealized, normal vision of her life: Good spouse, 2.5 kids, white picket fence and a dog. He wanted the two o’clock in the morning, getting a taxi home feeling of nostalgia that came with a life so safe…and dull. The irony wasn’t lost on her that, while he mocked humans as simple, he also coveted that simple life. So, when he said that it was impossible for her to come back, what she heard was that he calculated his options and came to the decision that she was better off where she was, with her family…safe…dull. This made Rose furious and, for years, she hated him for it, even though she knew he had good, if misguided, intentions. But as time dragged on, she came to accept it. The white hotness of her anger smoldered away until all that was left was the pain of losing someone she treasured so dearly. 

The new clarity offered by this dream ripped those mental wounds wide open. She was wrong, so wrong. He believed it was impossible. He grieved her as if she was dead and the guilt of not saving her filled him self-loathing. He wanted her. He needed her most of all and how could she ever think otherwise? After all, this was the same man who questioned saving Earth if it put her in danger. He was the man who spent countless hours studying, carving her form out of marble with tireless hands just to get her back. She knew the answer, though. Deep in her grief, Rose decided that it was easier to be angry with the Doctor. Believing that there was a way home and he just didn’t want her was easier than facing the reality that she would never see him again. She traded her faith in the man she loved for the hope that she could be reunited with him at some point in the future. 

It was also easier than realizing that she had left him alone. In Pete’s World she had her family to lean on, at least. The Doctor… he had no one. She promised him forever then got herself trapped in another universe. He must feel so abandoned. Rose sat up again and covered her face with her hands, trying to resist the temptation to run back to him in her nightgown, confess her identity, and beg his forgiveness. But, regarding their separation, she had nothing to be forgiven for and neither did he. It was the great tragedy of being alive. It was inevitable. You lose the people you love and it didn’t matter when or how; it was always a tragedy. It didn’t matter how long you had with them, days or lifetimes, it would never be enough…never ever enough.


	8. Now You're Moving Through Your Waking World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose meets up with an old friend that she thought was gone for good. But how do you apologize for old hurts that can never be undone?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recap: _But, regarding their separation, Rose had nothing to be forgiven for and neither did the Doctor. It was the great tragedy of being alive. It was inevitable. You lose the people you love and it didn’t matter when or how; it was always a tragedy. It didn’t matter how long you had with them, days or lifetimes, it would never be enough…never ever enough._

Weeks turned into months and with every passing day Rose grew a little stronger. Her stamina improved and she now spent many hours working away at the TARDIS, touching only what she was allowed, though she wished the TARDIS could find a better way of voicing her displeasure than zapping her fingers. It was slow going work. She didn’t have the Doctor’s experience or callouses on her fingertips. 

She was gaining a little bit of weight back. She was still much too thin but she didn’t look sickly anymore and given her current diet of nutrition bars, water, tea, and the occasional cafeteria meal (when she could sneak it), it was all she could ask for. Her cheeks were fuller and pinker, giving a little more life to her face. Her hair now reached just below her shoulders in her natural dirty dishwater blonde but she didn’t have any way to style it so it just hung around her face in a wild, frizzy mess. Every time she saw it, her lip curled in distaste. Nevertheless, she counted her blessings. It made her look far more like herself than she had in years but she’d be dyeing it the first chance she got. 

Yes, Rose was feeling stronger by the day while the Doctor seemed to grow weaker. She was still sharing his dreams when he found the time to sleep but she never starred in them again. He was focused on the Master, their past, and their home. He dreamt about Gallifrey a lot and Rose suspected that he was homesick. If Gallifrey were still around, he would have other Time Lords to help him reign in the Master. Earth wouldn’t be collateral damage in their continuing feud and he would have a home where he could hide away from a universe that was making him weary. His loneliness and dejection worried her. 

He still wasn’t aware of her true identity and Rose knew that every visit risked her anonymity but she tried to sneak time with him at least four days out of the week, more if she could swing it. She called those her good days and she didn’t like to think about the other ones. She would find him on the flight deck, having talked some stupid, handsy, soldier into switching duties with her, using one excuse or another. The Doctor would beam at her with such happiness that, for a few moments, she felt like she’d hung the moon. He always tried to project his normal manic self but it was clear that this captivity was taking its toll on him. Like now...he was stroppy today. He sat in his makeshift bed, saying very little and glaring out of the nearest porthole. From her perch on the floor by his knees, Rose cleared her throat and the Time Lord glanced at her. 

“Penny for ‘em, “ she asked. 

The Doctor sighed. “It’s nothing, really. I’m...restless. I want things to move along. Although I’m not sure why, I don’t think I’ll have anything left after this.”

“Don’t say that,” Rose chastised, wrapping her gloved fingers around his hand. “You have the TARDIS and Martha and all of the multitude of other friends you’ve made in your travels.”

The Doctor shook his head. “I doubt Martha will stay, not after all of this, not after her entire family was dragged into it.”

“So you find another companion,” she answered. “There are plenty of brilliant people out there who wou-“

“No, no more companions!” Rose jumped at the force of his statement and he looked up at her wincing. “I’m sorry,” he apologized. “I know that you said you’re one of my future companions but-“

“I don’t recall saying I was of your future companions. I said that I was a friend,” she corrected. “I also remember telling you not to worry about me, yeah. Whatever happens, I’ll be fine. You just do what you have to do to stop that maniac.” The Doctor’s face went ashen and he fiddled with the edge of his blanket. “Doctor, are you alright?”

He licked his lips. “Yes, I’m alright. I just...” He glanced around, agitation tensing his shoulders. 

Rose leaned forward and grabbed both of his hands with a gentle tug. “Doctor, look at me,” she demanded and was surprised when his doe eyes met hers filled with vulnerability. “What’s wrong? You can tell me.”

“I don’t think I can do this,” he whispered at last, sounding small and frightened. 

“What do you mean,” she asked, concerned. “The Master? Oh Doctor you don’t need to worry. You can handle him easy.”

“Yes, but I don’t want to ‘handle’ him,” he snapped. “I don’t want to be the last Time Lord anymore. I don’t want to be the killer of my kind again.”

Rose paused, her heart squeezing in sympathy. She leaned down and tried to catch the Doctor’s eyes. “Who is asking you to do that?”

“Humans are going to want him punished.”

“So,” she asked with a shrug of her shoulder. “It’s not their decision.”

“Isn’t it,” the Doctor argued. “He destroyed their home and massacred a good portion of the population. You’re human, I’m assuming?”

She gave a hesitant nod. “I am, but there are things that make me different,” she hedged hoping he wasn’t going to push about her identity again.

“Are you saying you don’t empathize with them then?”

She rolled her eyes in exasperation. “Of course I do. I understand their anger and their need for justice but...” She trailed off searching for an argument. “Look even on Earth we have extradition laws. Criminals are sent back to their country’s highest authority to stand trial for their crimes. With Gallifrey gone, _you_ are the highest authority.”

“That only works if the criminal is facing charges in their home country, not a foreign one,” he explained with an annoyed note of condescension. 

Her eyes narrowed. “I’m not sure that’s strictly true. I’m pretty sure I’ve heard of it happening for princes and celebrities-“

“There are exceptions to every rule,” he replied rubbing his brow in tired agitation.

“Why can’t he be the exception,” she asked. 

“Because it’s not like he was caught doing cocaine in the bathroom, or paying for sex,” he yelled when his patience snapped. “He wiped off nearly half of the bloody planet, Rose!” She sucked in a breath as a heavy silence stretched between them. The Doctor dropped his head into his hands mumbling, “I’m sorry. You just remind me so much...”

Rose’s heart squeezed. It wasn’t the first time he had called her by that name. Each time she wanted to ask about it. She wanted to know about his true feelings for her but it felt wrong. Here, at last, watching him rub at his eyes in a desperate attempt to hide their misting, she gave into the temptation. Rose sat on her knees and placed her hand over his. “Tell me about her.”

The Doctor shook his head. 

“C’mon Doctor,” she cajoled. “You never know, it might help to talk about it. You’re obviously thinking about her. You call me Rose all the time.”

He looked up at her eager face and the corner of his lips lifted. “She used to sit with me like this on my bad days, trying to get me to talk about Gallifrey. She used to say the same thing: ‘it might help to talk about it’.”

“Well did it,” she asked with genuine curiosity. 

He sniffled and smiled. “Yeah, I guess it did but now she’s gone and there’s no one to talk to.”

“There’s Martha,” she reminded him. 

“It’s not the same,” he replied. “It was easy to talk to her. She was special.”

“Well, there’s me,” she said without thought and watched as his red rimmed eyes filled even more. His bottom lip trembled and he pulled his hand from hers to rub the heels of his palms into his eyes. He sucked in a pained breath and expelled it before clearing his throat. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. 

He tried to smile at her and shook his head. “It’s fine. It’s probably for the best. She’d have killed me when she found out about Jack.”

Rose went very still. “Jack?”

“Jack Harkness,” he clarified, clueless to the simmering turmoil already building within her. “He traveled with Rose and I for a little while.”

“What happened,” she asked through her teeth as she stood, pacing in front of the makeshift tent.

The Doctor shrugged and began to explain Jack’s story. With every word, anger burned hotter inside of Rose’s chest. “It’s pretty incredible that he crossed my path again actually,” he finished with a dismissive chuckle. 

Rose gritted her teeth and took several deep breaths. “Let me get this straight, Doctor. You left your friend alone on a space station after he was willing to sacrifice his life to help you?”

“He did sacrifice his life,” the Doctor corrected.

“What,” she snapped, turning back to him and crossing her arms over her chest. 

“Well he did...die,” he whispered this last word like a curse. 

“Then how?”

“There was an...accident with Rose,” he hedged. “She did something incredible, stupid, selfless and so…human. She saved us.”

“How,” she asked, though she already had an idea.

Rose still didn’t remember all of her time after she looked into the heart of the TARDIS. Bits and pieces had started leaking through while she was in Pete’s World. She could remember scattering the words Bad Wolf across time and space. She remembered atomizing the Daleks. She could remember the Doctor begging her to let go but she couldn’t and then it all just went blank. She didn’t remember anything about Jack but she wished she could remember everything. It was unnerving to have this massive blank spot in your memory, so she listened with intent curiosity. 

“We were fighting the Daleks. To be more accurate, losing to the Daleks and I knew that this was the end. There was no way out and no way to save Jack but the only good thing I could do was save Rose. So I,” he hesitated as if grappling with the decision all over again.

“You sent her home,” Rose finished. 

“Yes, how did you know?”

“Let’s say it’s an annoying habit of yours,” she deadpanned.

“I tried my best to keep her safe,” he justified. “But, stubborn woman that she was, she wouldn’t have it. She cracked open the heart of the TARDIS and swallowed the Time Vortex. She flew the TARDIS back and stepped out of the doors surrounded by this golden light. She was stunning,” he said almost to himself. Rose tried not to soften at the tenderness in his eyes but she did sit back on the floor and grab his hand. The Doctor glanced at her and cleared his throat. “In any case, she rescued us. Decimated an entire Dalek fleet with a wave of her hand. And Jack...well, Jack and Rose were always close...closer than us in some ways. They had the same joy for life and eagerness to help people. They were two peas in a pod and I was always the jealous old prat who rained on their parade,” he said with a chuckle before his face became serious. “Jack was dead and Rose...I don’t think she wanted to live in a universe without Jack Harkness. So she brought him back but she couldn’t control all that power and her desires were misinterpreted. She brought him back forever. He’s a fixed point in time now. He can’t die.” Rose was stunned into silence. The Doctor, not recognizing her distress, continued, “You can shoot him, stab him, blow him up, and he will just come back, over and over again. Trust me I know; the Master finds this talent of his incredibly amusing.”

Rose stood and crossed to the table in the center of the room, horrified at the implications. How could she have done this to her friend? How do you apologize for something like that? Jack must hate her now. God, she wanted to cry. “So you just left him there,” she worked past her trembling lips. 

“Well I was regenerating,” he defended. “That was a bad one. Things got a bit scrambled.”

“That’s not an excuse, Doctor,” she shouted, taking them both off-guard. Silence stretched for uncomfortable long seconds until she took a deep breath and steadied her voice. “I’m sorry. I know things are complicated. So you’re saying he’s on this ship? Do you know where?” 

The Doctor shook his head, keeping a careful, controlled, mask in place and trying to hide the guilt she could see lurking underneath. Good, he should feel guilty. “Yes,” he answered at last. “He’s here on the ship but I don’t know where. The Master trots him out every now and then just to torture me by killing him over and over again.”

_Torture you?!_ He must be deliberately playing obtuse. Rose prayed for patience and turned back to him. “I have to go.”

“Now,” the Doctor asked, incredulous. “When will you be back?”

“I don’t know,” she snapped as she adjusted her weapon across her body again. 

“You’re going to find Jack,” he stated.

“Of course I am,” she bit out. “He’s being killed repeatedly for some maniac’s enjoyment.”

“You’re upset with me,” he said in disbelief. “You don’t understand. You weren’t there. Things _were_ complicated. Rose was…I was…”

The hell she wasn’t. “I know one thing Doctor. You don’t leave a friend behind.” 

He glared at her as she stomped toward the door but she could see his fear and disappointment hidden beneath. She almost relented and walked back to make peace but then she thought about Jack. She thought about how scared and alone he must have been. He was probably hurt and angry at being left behind. Her heart lurched and she flung the door open. Slamming it behind her, Rose stalked off into the bowels of the ship, ignoring the image of the Doctor’s sad brown eyes. She navigated the maze of corridors toward the Jones’ cage, intent on finding Tish, but she had the good fortune to run across her along the way through the steaming pipes and girders of the engine rooms. She was carrying another silver tray laden with an unappealing bowl of mush and a small glass of water. 

“Tish,” she exclaimed ignoring the looks of several soldiers and workers milling about the corridor.

The girl jumped and whipped around. Upon seeing Rose her shoulders relaxed and she glanced around to see if anyone was paying attention. She waved Rose into a well-hidden nook in the tangled knot of pipes. “Rose,” she hissed. “What are you doing down here? Is the Doctor alright?”

She waved her questions away. “Do you know Jack Harkness?”

Tish raised a curious brow. “Of course, I’m just on my way to feed him.”

“So he’s really here,” she asked in disbelief. 

Tish gave a wary nod. 

“I need you to take me to him,” she demanded.

Tish shook her head. “There’s a guard. How will you get past him?”

“I’ll figure it out,” she dismissed.

“But-“

“Tish,” Rose pressed, desperation leaking through her calm facade. “I need to see him, please.”

The woman sighed, exasperated. “Okay, follow me.” They weaved through corridors until they approached another chain link door with a guard standing before it, looking bored. Tish glanced back over her shoulder. “What do you want me to say?”

“Nothing,” Rose whispered. “Just look confident and let me do the talking.”

She nodded and, as they drew closer, the guard eyed them with suspicion. “Hello, Tish. And who might this be?”

Rose squared her shoulders and tried to project authority. “I’m here to relieve you.”

He looked surprised for a moment. “But I’ve only been ‘ere an hour.”

“What can I say mate,” she replied with a shrug. “They want to see you upstairs. Saxon has some kind of special mission for you.”

“Really?” His voice was skeptical and his shrewd gaze narrowed.

“Are you gonna disobey a direct order? You’re braver than I am,” she complimented. “I wouldn’t have the plums to tell him no.”

The reminder of the Master’s severity seemed to scare the man into action and he toddled off through the halls, leaving Tish and Rose alone with a set of keys. Casting a glance around, they eased open the gate and stepped through a cloud of steam. There, set a ways back from the gate and hanging by his limp wrists between two concrete columns, was one of her best mates in the whole universe. She almost cried with joy at seeing him again. 

He heard their rattling steps and roused smiling first at Tish and then in Rose’s direction. “Well good evening Tish. You’re looking as lovely as ever. What’s for dinner tonight? Mush again? Mmmm...my favorite,” he grumbled with an eye roll. Tish blushed at his compliment, situated her tray on a small table and began to feed him. Rose was in shock. It felt like she was seeing a ghost and she just stared in awe at her Captain. “Who’s your friend and why is she wearing a perception filter,” he asked between bites. 

“A what,” Tish replied.

“A perception filter,” he repeated, turning his head away in disgust when she brought the next bite to his lips. “It’s like I can’t quite see her. You can’t feel it?” 

“She looks fine to me,” she answered and the turned toward the other woman to get her attention. “Rose?”

“Rose,” Jack asked going very still and looking at her now in question. “Rose?”

Rose pulled her necklace over her head. Jack sucked in a pained breath. “Hey Jack,” she breathed eyes shining with tears. 

“Rosie? Are you really real?”

“Yeah,” she affirmed wiping at the moisture on her cheeks. “Are you?”

“Yeah, I think so,” he sniffled. “Although I must be dreaming right now. The Doctor said it was impossible for you to come back.”

Rose rolled her eyes and took a couple steps closer. “The Doctor says a lot of things.”

“Ain’t that the truth,” he replied with a genuine grin. 

Unable to maintain her composure, Rose launched herself at the Captain, wrapping her arms around his barrel chest and burying her face in his dirty shirt before bursting into sobs. “I’m so sorry, Jack. I didn’t…I couldn’t…the Doctor didn’t… Oh god, I’m so sorry!”

“Hey, hey,” cooed against her ear. “Don’t cry sweetheart. Come on Rosie, everything is alright.”

“The Doctor just told me-what I-what I did to you,” she wept. “You must hate me. I hate me.”

“Hey now Rose Tyler,” he murmured, pressing a kiss to her temple. “Be careful, that’s one of my best friends you’re talking about.”

She whimpered.

“Rose look at me,” he requested. She pulled back just far enough to meet his smiling blue eyes. “You did exactly what you were supposed to do,” he affirmed. “We’re supposed to protect each other. You saved the Doctor and you saved me; that’s what is important. The rest is just details”

Rose lifted one hand to wipe at his dirt and tear streaked face. “But the detail is you living forever.”

Jack shrugged. “I doubt it will really be forever…just a really, really, really long time. Long enough for me to lose my good looks.”

Rose gave a watery chuckle. “But nothing can dent that ego.”

Jack laughed. “There’s the smile I was looking for. I wish I could put my arms around you.”

“Oh!” Rose started, wiping at her cheeks and turning to Tish who watched this exchange with shining eyes. “Here, help me with these chains.”

“WHAT,” Jack and Tish asked in unison. 

“Rose you can’t take me with you,” Jack explained.

“Yes Rose,” Tish agreed. “How do you plan to get him out of here? Are you just gonna march him past all of the soldiers and expect them not to say a word?”

Rose growled and moved to the column pulling at the chain. “I’m taking you back to the TARDIS, end of discussion. So, you may as well help with a plan or we’ll all get caught.”

Tish heard a clatter at the end of the walkway and peered through the rising mist. “Rose,” she urged moving to the woman’s side. “That guard is coming back and he’s got two more with him. You need to hide!”

“No, I can-“

“Rose hide,” Jack demanded. “Do you know what the Doctor will do to me if something happens to you?”

Tish ran to a corner of the room and lifted a grated panel off of the wall. “In here!”

Rose rushed toward her and scooted into the tight air duct. Tish hefted the metal grating back into place and rushed back to her spot in front of Jack just as the gate opened. Rose froze inside the tight space, wincing as her weapon ground into her hip, afraid to move a muscle or make a single noise. She couldn’t see the guards, Tish, or Jack from her hiding space so she slowed her frantic breathing and strained her ears. 

“Where’s the other one,” the guard demanded. 

“Who?” Rose heard Tish ask with genuine confusion. 

The man grunted. “The other guard,” he shouted. “That woman.”

“I don’t know,” Tish sniped back. “It’s not my job to watch you lot. You’re the guards.”

“You all look pretty much the same to me dickhead,” Jack interjected. 

“Shut your mouth, Harkness. I don’t recall asking you,” he growled and punched Jack in the gut by the sound of it. 

Rose gritted her teeth in sympathy. 

“Now Tish,” the guard purred. “Be a good girl and tell us where she went.”

“Stay away from her,” she heard Jack’s hoarse warning and then she heard the snap and ping of metal breaking. She heard the guards shout warnings and heard the cock of several rifles. “Shit,” Jack cursed. “Not again.”

The air filled with gunfire and she heard Tish scream in terror. Horrified, Rose covered her mouth and tried to suppress sobs as one of her best mates was gunned down while she was powerless to stop it. Everything stilled and she heard the guards shout to each other. Tish was sobbing in the background.

“Is he dead,” one asked. 

“Yeah, yeah,” the other confirmed. “For now.”

“Let’s get out of here,” another said. “He’ll be out for a while.”

Rose drew in a shuddering breath as she heard the rattle of keys. 

“Why do you have to do that,” Tish shouted. 

“Come on,” one man said, sounding bored with her ‘antics’.

“Don’t touch me,” Tish snapped. 

“Just get out of here, Tish.”

She heard the gate close and lock. Tish’s cries faded until Rose was left in a deathly silence. She wanted to curl into a ball and cry. They had shot Jack! She had just found him again and now…calm down, calm down…the Doctor said he couldn’t be killed right Right? RIGHT? The menacing silence was broken by the guard’s cheerful whistle that sent chills up Rose’s spine.


	9. While in My Sleep I Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting Jack back to the TARDIS is difficult, reliving her past for him is infinitely more so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recap: _Rose heard the gate close and lock. Tish’s cries faded until Rose was left in a deathly silence. She wanted to curl into a ball and cry. They had shot Jack! She had just found him again and now…calm down, calm down…the Doctor said he couldn’t be killed right Right? RIGHT? The menacing silence was broken by the guard’s cheerful whistle that sent chills up Rose’s spine._

After what felt like hours, Rose wiped at her cheeks and shifted so she could grip the grate of the air duct with both hands. Bracing herself, she pushed upwards with all her might. The grate squeaked but otherwise remained in place. 

The guards eerie whistling stopped. “Is someone there?”

She heard him move to the gate. It was now or never, she had to move this grating or he would find her at a huge disadvantage. Gritting her teeth, she tried again, pushing until her muscles cried out, still atrophied and malnourished from her poor diet. With a long groan and crash, the grate fell to the floor. Rose rushed out of the small space, trying to stop her arms from feeling like jelly. She shook them hard, desperate to get a grip on her weapon while she darted in-between the pipes. She heard the gate open and close. 

“Hello,” she heard the guard call. “Harkness is that you? Are you ready for another?”

Silence floated punctuated by several sharp jets of steam that frayed Rose’s nerves. She sidled up to the back of one of the concrete columns and peaked around. She saw the guard standing over Jack’s body, brushing him with the toe of his boot like he was a piece of fucking road kill. Snaking around the corner, she crept closer, lifting her rifle up to her shoulder. 

“Surprise,” she whispered and the guard whipped around, shock in his expression, before she smashed the butt of her rifle across his face. 

He crashed to the floor in an inelegant heap but Rose kicked him for good measure. His answering grunt only offered mild satisfaction under the circumstances. She knelt beside Jack’s body, ripped off her gloves and reached out to touch his handsome face. He was still warm but he wasn’t breathing. Rose’s lip trembled and she dropped onto his chest, sobbing. 

Beneath her, his body twitched and he sat straight up, gasping for air. Rose jumped back and covered her mouth to muffle her shocked screams as she wept, staring at Jack in disbelief. He collapsed back on the grating, panting for breath, his disoriented gaze locked on the ceiling.

He groaned in pain. “Dammit, every time.”

“Jack?”

He cast a bleary glance around and locked eyes on Rose’s shaking frame. “Oh hey, Rosie. Calm down sweetheart,” he soothed as he sat up and scooped her into his lap. She wrapped her arms around him gripping his shirt tight in her fists as she buried her face in his chest. “Oh honey,” he murmured tipping her chin up and wiping at her cheeks. “I know it’s a little jarring when you see it for the first time.”

“Jarring,” she exclaimed through hiccups. “You were dead, Jack.”

“Yes,” came his solemn agreement. “But I came back.”

Rose reached up and traced his jaw with tears tumbling down her cheeks. “Is that- is that what I did to you,” she whimpered. 

“Rose,” he interrupted. 

“No, Jack I-“

“ROSE!” She jumped, stunned at a tone he rarely used with her. Seeing he had her attention, his face softened. “I’m sorry sweetheart but I need you to listen because, if you want to get me out of here, we need to do it now or this was all for nothing.”

Rose closed her eyes and swallowed. He was right; this was neither the time nor place to fall apart. Taking a deep breath, she pulled away from him and stood, wiping at the tears on her face. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “You’re right. We need to get moving. Help me with this guards clothes.”

Jack stilled. “What?”

Rose rolled her eyes. “You need to put on his uniform. It will keep us from being noticed if we blend in.”

“Right,” he agreed. “Of course.”

They went about the methodical task of undressing the soldier and helping Jack into his uniform. As he changed, Rose eyed the unconscious body on the floor. “We’ll have to tie him up,” she concluded.

“Naturally…” 

Rose ignored Jack’s distracted grunting and groaning as she chained the guard in his stead. 

“Rose, I think we’re gonna have a problem,” he said when he had the trousers up to his hips.

“What?” She looked back at him and giggled. The trousers were fastened snug around his waist but they were at least two inches short and tight…_everywhere. _ “I’m sorry Jack but you’ll just have to deal with it until we get back to the TARDIS. If we run into anyone then-“

“Then I will just have to dazzle them with my charm and wit,” he quipped with a grin. 

Rose raised a brow and looked pointedly at the tight seam across his manly bits. “Well you’ll dazzle them with something.”

Jack chuckled, casting tender eyes over her features. “I sure missed you, Rosie.”

She tried to swallow the lump in her throat. “Stop it, Jack. At least let me get you back home before I go to pieces again.”

“Whatever you say ma’am,” he replied, fixing his black cap onto his head and snapping up his ‘borrowed’ weapon. 

Rose stiffened. “Don’t call me that.”

Jack narrowed his eyes. “What?”

“I’m just Rose,” she dismissed. “Now let’s get out of here.”

The Captain held her gaze just long enough to make her squirm and then he nodded. “Fine. Lead the way… just Rose.”

Rose cast an annoyed glance over her shoulder and gestured at him to be quiet as they snuck from the cell. Their journey back to the TARDIS was a nerve-wracking tiptoe through a camp of enemy soldiers. Rose could feel her heart beating in her throat with every step that she took closer to the TARDIS’ storage cupboard. As they passed another squadron of soldiers in the hallway, she held her breath, waiting on tenterhooks for someone to shout, but they passed by without interference. As they made it to the other end of the corridor Rose released a tense breath…too soon. 

“Hey you,” she heard a voice shout from the mass of uniformed soldiers. “What are you doing with that prisoner?!”

Rose flinched and grabbed onto Jack’s hand. “Run!”

Jack followed her lead as they both skidded around the corner. They heard shouts and the rapid stomp of boots chasing them. Rose eyed the next turn in the hall. Their exit was coming up; one more turn and few doors down waited their salvation but she couldn’t lead them straight to the TARDIS. They would have to improvise. Up ahead, something caught her eye and a smile lit her face…a fire extinguisher. Struck by a sudden bout of inspiration Rose grabbed the object off of the wall, pulled the pin, and sprayed the entire can down the corridor behind her. The hallway filled with white smoke and foam. Satisfied with her diversion, she once again grabbed Jack sleeve and darted down the next turn and into the TARDIS’ cupboard a few doors down. They didn’t stop running until they were inside those blue doors and were able to sink down with their backs against them, gasping for breath.

“Just like old times,” Jack said with a breathless grin. “Eh, Rosie.”

Smiling, she glanced up at his dirt and blood streaked face. “C’mon Jack. Let’s get you cleaned up.” She stood, whipping the strap of her weapon over her head and leaning it against the door. Jack followed suit and they started up the gangway. As they rounded the console, Jack almost stumbled into the hole created by a missing grated panel. “Careful!” Rose grabbed his arm, steadying him. 

Jack tossed her a grateful glance. “What have you been up to?”

She grimaced. “Not much to be honest. I’m not as good at repairs as the Doctor…or even you really.”

He glanced at her with a frown. “What’s with the defeatist attitude? That doesn’t sound like the Rose Tyler I know.” 

She shrugged and ducked into her room, trying to avoid his probing stare. “I’m _not_ the Rose Tyler you knew.”

Jack drew up short, surprised at the sadness in her voice but Rose kept moving as she crossed to the small shower stall and picked up a towel from the shelves beside it. She stiffened when she felt his large, firm hand on her elbow. He turned her around and her chin went into the air, any emotions hidden behind a mask of determination and confidence. He studied her for long moments before she pushed the towel into his chest and darted away from his grasp, leaning against the wall. 

“Get a shower before things get heavy, eh Jack, “ she mumbled. “I’ll make tea.”

He cocked a brow. “You have tea?”

She gave a half-hearted chuckle, shaking her head. “I’m British…we always have tea.”

He smiled and picked at the material in his hands. “Rose…”

“Please Jack, just give me a few minutes,” she interrupted, averting her gaze. “Wash all of that dirt and blood off. I’ll still be here when you’re done…I have nowhere else to go.”

He looked down and nodded, throwing the towel over the shower door. “Whatever you say, Rosie.”

She took a deep breath of relief and smiled. “Thanks.”

His answering grin gleamed with mischief as he pulled his dirty, disgusting, shirt over his head and tossed it at her. Rose yelped and threw it in the corner with a grimace as Jack laughed. She rolled her eyes and stalked off, leaving him to his shower so that she could distract her mind with the ritual of tea. As she moved around the small kitchen space, filling the kettle and selecting two mugs from the cupboard, Rose tried not to focus on the thought that had stuck her mind with harsh clarity the moment the TARDIS doors closed behind them. She couldn’t leave again. 

The Master would know that Jack escaped. He might even find out that she was involved. He would be livid. She cringed as she thought about the abuse that he would no doubt inflict on the guards who lost them, or possibly even Tish and her family, or…the Doctor. Her hands trembled and she clenched her fists hard before releasing them. She took a steadying breath and tried to plant her feet, afraid that the traitorous limbs would run her back through the TARDIS doors to her Time Lord. She couldn’t do that, not now. The entire ship would be on high alert, looking for them. She wouldn’t be able to blend in with ease. 

Her eyes began to burn and she shoved the heels of her palms against them trying to stave off the tears. All she could picture in her mind was the Doctor’s sad brown eyes as she stormed out of the flight deck. She hadn’t left things well with him and now she wouldn’t be able to fix it for who knew how long. She tried to swallow the lump in her throat and instead a whimper burst past her lips. She’d abandoned him again and this time it was by choice. He was already so miserable. He didn’t think he had anything to go back to and he seemed almost resentful of his roll in the universe. But he would play it to its conclusion even if it meant becoming the last of his kind once again…even if it meant sentencing himself to a life alone. 

She felt a heavy hand on her shoulder and jumped, wiping at the moisture in her eyes. “Sorry, Jack. Just gimme a minute and I’ll have tea ready.”

“Rose,” he rumbled while pulling her into a bear hug.

Her paltry resistance melted in mere seconds. It just felt so good to be held again. She spent so long in that Torchwood prison tortured endlessly with never a kind or gentle touch…two years of hell. So, when one of her best mates drew her close and wrapped her in his arms, she accepted with eager relish. It didn’t matter that he was naked except for the towel around his waist. His skin was warm from the shower. It smelled crisp, clean, and something inherently Jack. Mixed with the scent of the TARDIS, it made her feel at home…safe. It had been ages since she felt safe and she clung to the feeling with all of her might, letting it seep into her body and warm her bones. 

She sniffled against his damp skin. “I’m sorry Jack. I just…I just realized that I can’t leave again.”

“No,” he said. “You can’t…not until this is over. If you think I would ever risk that maniac getting his hands on you then you have another thing coming missy.”

Rose gave a watery chuckle. “I understand. That’s why I came to rescue you. I couldn’t stand the idea of him hurting you. The TARDIS already told me that I can’t interfere with the Doctor’s captivity but she said nothing about you.”

Jack pulled back and looked down into her eyes with a brow raised in curiosity. “The TARDIS told you? Why do I feel like I’m missing something, here?”

Rose stepped back, wiping at her nose with her sleeve. “You’re missing about thirteen years.” 

She turned back to the kettle and flicked it in on before pulling down the box of tea bags from the cupboard along with a few nutrition bars. She tossed the bars to Jack who caught them with an effortless flick of his wrist. He tore them open and devoured them with gusto as she leaned back against the counter. 

“Thirteen years,” he asked around a mouthful. 

“Yeah,” she affirmed crossing her arms over her chest. “One year here and twelve years in the other universe.”

Jack coughed, startled by her revelation. “Twelve years? Really? Because you don’t look any older than when I last saw you Rose.”

Her lips quirked and she sighed as she tossed her black cap into the same corner as Jack’s shirt. “Bloody hell, Jack so much has happened since the last time I saw you…I don’t even know where to start.”

Jack shrugged. “Well, the beginning is probably a good place…or the end in our case…our end. The last I saw you was on Game Station before Doc sent you back home.” 

Rose snorted a laugh of derision and pushed off the counter, walking past him toward the bed. “Like that was ever going to work.”

“I know he hoped it would.”

Rose tossed a glare over her shoulder. “He had no right.” 

“He had every right,” Jack replied with a wry grin. “He was trying to save your life.”

“What about you? He didn’t send you back. He trusted you to take care of yourself.” 

“That’s what you think? He didn’t trust you enough?”

“Well yeah,” she said as if it were the most logical conclusion. “When it came down to it he trusted you to be there and fight next to him more than me. But the joke’s on him isn’t it because I just came back anyway and saved both of your arses single-handed.”

Jack raised a brow and looked pointedly around the TARDIS. “Single-handed?”

She rolled her eyes. “Fine, but it’s not like she could have gotten back there on her own, could she?”

“Rosie,” he sighed. “He didn’t send you back because he didn’t trust you. He sent you back because he loved you and couldn’t bear to watch any harm come to you… not while he could prevent it.”

Rose bristled and picked up the soft shirt and jersey shorts next her emerald green gown on the bed. She tossed them at Jack. “And what about me, what about the things I couldn’t bear? Did he think it would be so easy for me to just move on with my life, knowing that he was dyin’ somewhere? Did he not think that I would want to know that I did absolutely everything in my power to protect him?! But he did, he knew all of that. That’s why he had to trick me onto the TARDIS in the first place because he knew I wouldn’t leave him willingly. It’s just that when he makes decisions like that they’re noble, and heroic. When I make those same decisions, from the motivations, they’re childish and irrational.”

He caught the items of clothing and raised them, waving in mock surrender. “Don’t get mad at me. He didn’t ask my opinion.” 

Her answering smirk was brimming with the frustration of things unsaid, things that really had nothing to do with Jack. “And if he had? You would have done the same thing somehow I just know it. She didn’t give you any pants by the way,” she said in an aside, trying to break the tension. “Looks like you’re going commando.”

He tossed her a wicked grin. “Rosie, I’m always going commando.”

She groaned, slapping a hand over her eyes as he dropped his towel and changed. “Right…I forgot.”

He chuckled and after a few seconds tossed his towel over her head. “You can look now. Don’t know why you’re covering your eyes anyway; its nothing you haven’t seen before.”

“Not by choice,” she objected, snatching the material off her head and throwing it on the bed. “How can one man lose his clothes so frequently? It just defies statistics. Surely the Doctor should have at least lost his shirt in that time.”

“Alas,” he sighed. “No such luck. I bet he had great body.”

Rose dropped on to the mattress. “Yeah. We’ll never know now I guess.”

Jack sat next to her and arched a conspiratorial brow. “So, what about the new Doctor? He’s a bit pretty. Don’t tell me you didn’t notice.”

She smiled, knocking him with her shoulder. “Of course I did. He’s bloody gorgeous with those big brown eyes and-“

“The hair?”

“Oh the hair,” she enthused. “He does have really great hair but-”

The kettle’s shrill whistle startled her to her feet and she raced toward the counter before pouring the steaming liquid into the two mugs. She turned around and leaned back, crossing her arms over her chest. Jack sat on the bed, studying her with a critical eye. 

“What?”

“But-“ he prompted with a wave of his hand. 

She shrugged. “But… I don’t know. It’s difficult to explain. You knew about regeneration, I’m guessing?”

Jack tilted his head from side to side. “In theory.”

“He said that only surface things change; appearance, favorite color, favorite song, the way he takes his tea, but the real things, the deep abiding things remained the same.”

“Okay?”

Rose huffed. It was easy to talk to Jack. He always made her feel secure, like she could share anything with him without the risk of judgment. He just listened with an open heart and, as he looked at her with those innocent blue eyes, she found that old, buried insecurities bubbled their way to the surface. It seemed like, now that they could be safely voiced, her body refused to contain them any longer. “Well, what does that even mean to a being that is over nine hundred years old? We’re mayflies to him; here today, gone tomorrow. What deep abiding impact could we ever hope to bring to his life?”

“Rose,” he chastised. “You have no idea how important you are to him or how deeply you impacted his life. The man I talked to was ripped apart by your loss. I’d never seen him so…dejected. And remember, we became his friends after he lost his entire planet.”

She tucked a stray curl behind her ear. “You weren’t there Jack. You don’t understand. He tried so hard to push me as far away as possible.”

“I’m sure that’s not true.”

“Oh really,” she asked, grabbing their tea off the counter and shoving the mug into his hands.

“Tell me,” he insisted. “You never know, talking about it might help you work some things out.”

She took a deep breath and blew on her tea. Walking back toward the bed, she set the mug down on the low table and picked up the gown. Jack sat on the edge of the mattress and seemed to wait with eager anticipation, sipping at his drink with a smug grin on his lips. 

She furrowed her brows with a halfhearted glare. “Am I going to let you watch me change?”

He smirked. “It’s nothing I haven’t seen before. I’m not the only one who loses their clothes.”

She snorted with derision. “No, you’re the man who ‘accidentally’ walks into peoples’ bathrooms while they’re bathing.”

He shrugged and dutifully covered his eyes with one hand. “Nudity just isn’t a big deal for me.”

“I understand that,” she replied as she disrobed and pulled the gown over her head. “But you also need to understand that I am only from the twenty first century and, for me, nudity is a big deal. You can look now.”

Jack removed his hand and looked up at her grimacing. “That century is so…repressed. Freud would have a field day.”

Rose chuckled and picked up her mug, settling into the bed. “I don’t need to remind you that Dr. Freud came from even further repressed generation?” She patted the spot beside her and Jack accepted with a grin. 

“I know. I lived through it.” He snuggled in next to her under the blankets, releasing a pleased groan. “Do you know how long it has been since I slept in a bed?”

“What do you mean you lived through it,” she asked. 

“Oh no,” he refused. “We’re not talking about me yet. I believe you were just about to tell me all of your adventures with the new Doctor.”

Rose smiled, pulling her mug away from her lips. “You mean the new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, new, Doctor.”

“Tenth,” Jack asked surprised. “Good to know. So what was it like?”

Rose spent the next several hours telling him all about her adventures with her Doctor from the Sycorax, to cat nuns, to the werewolf and Sarah Jane, where he finally stopped her. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Jack interrupted. “He never even mentioned this woman?”

“No,” Rose said with a slight frown. “Not a word.”

“Well, what was she like?”

“She was brilliant and sweet once we finally got over our jealousy,” she admitted after all these years.

“Jealousy?”

Rose ‘s cheeks heated. “Well it’s true. I know at least I was insanely jealous.”

“Why,” Jack asked, curious and without judgment.

She lifted a shoulder still embarrassed by her behavior. “I don’t know. He was so excited to see her. They had their own inside jokes, their own stories. It felt like looking into my future and I was insecure, afraid that one day he was going drop me off somewhere and never mention me again. I wanted to believe that I was different than Sarah Jane, that I was special.”

Jack placed his mug on the floor and pulled Rose close to his chest. “You are special, sweetheart. The Doctor would never leave you.”

She snuggled into his embrace, grateful for his comfort. “That’s what he said. Not you, Rose. Never you,” she said imitating the Doctor’s voice. 

“He actually talked to you about it,” Jack asked in disbelief. “That’s a step forward.”

Rose grimaced. “Not really. We were having a row.”

Jack barked out a laugh. “Well you were both always good at that.”

Rose sipped at her tea. “He kept talking about the ‘curse of the Time Lord’ and humans withering and dying. And Rose can you imagine watching that happen to someone you…”

Jack waited with bated breath for her to finish her sentence but after several seconds of silence he prompted, “Someone you?”

Rose tossed him a wry glance. “Exactly.”

Jack groaned and covered his eyes with one hand. “Oh for god’s sake. That man needs some serious therapy.”

She gave a delicate snort. “Don’t we all.”

He sighed and rubbed at the bridge of his nose. “Well if it makes you feel better, according to Martha he talks about you all the time. He’s always saying how brilliant and perfect you are. I think it drives Martha a crazy. She’s a bit sweet on him.”

“Oh no,” Rose replied. “Tish said as much too. Poor girl.”

Jack raised a brow. “I thought that would upset you.”

Her lips lifted into a gentle smile. “Who could hold it against her? He’s larger than life and he sweeps you off your feet. Besides, I know how she feels.”

“What do you mean?”

Rose took a deep breath. “Well, after we saved the school children, the Doctor fixed K9 and we said goodbye to Sarah Jane. Then he did something I was sure he would never do.”

“What?”

“He invited Mickey along.”

Jack blinked. “I’m sorry? I must not have heard you correctly. Our Doctor invited Rickey along? The same one that he swore up and down that he would never invite?”

“Yeah. I think meeting Sarah Jane again spooked him and he brought Mickey along as a buffer between us. It worked but not as thoroughly meeting Reneitte did.”

“Reneitte?”

“Mmm,” she hummed with a wry grin. “Madame du Pompadore…in the flesh.”

Rose went on to explain all about their adventure on the spaceship connected to 17th century France, ending in the five and a half hour wait for the Doctor to return. With every word Jack grew quieter and more still as his arm around her shoulder tightened. 

“So you and Mickey could have died on that spaceship, chopped up into spare parts,” he growled. “While he danced the night away with King Louie’s mistress?”

“I’m not sure it was that dire,” she admitted. “He rescued us, I guess that’s the important part.”

“And then what? He just swanned off for five and half hours to be with this Reniette woman?”

“No, he was saving her life, setting the timeline right. That’s what he does; it’s his responsibility, duty...”

“Blah, blah, blah,” Jack interrupted. “Are you really trying to tell me that it didn’t hurt you when he crashed through that mirror with no way back?”

Rose groaned with frustration. She spent a long time trying to put this particular memory behind her. She didn’t want to relive these events. Realizing the person you loved was in love with another hurt enough the first time. She didn’t need to dwell. “Of course it did but what was I going to say? Don’t go save this woman you love. No, I couldn’t do that even if it hurt; he means too much to me. How was I going to stop him anyway? He did the right thing. He saved the girl and that girl wasn’t me. It happens.”

As a man from the 51st century, Jack didn’t adhere to a strict notion of fidelity. Those types of boundaries were fluid at best but he lived in the 21st century long enough to know that, as a woman of the time, Rose would expect it. And if he knew it…so did the Doctor. So you could say, it wasn’t the act of the infidelity that incensed him as much as the hurt that he still heard layered in her voice. He hadn’t just swanned off with some other woman, he made Rose feel worthless and that was his true sin. 

“Rose,” he sighed trying to find some words to comfort her. 

“Its fine Jack,” she cut him off. “I’ve been around you long enough to know that my ideas of sex are stunted to say the least.”

“Did he have sex with her?!”

Rose gave a hollow laugh at the shock in his voice. “I don’t know Jack and, to be honest, I don’t want to know.”

“But Rose what he did-“

“I have no claim on him, Jack. We never made any declarations or promises of exclusivity,” she interrupted with a surprising amount of conviction. “He was gracious enough to invite me on his ship and show me the universe. He doesn’t owe me anything. He’s allowed to invite whoever he wants.”

“He invited her to travel with you?!”

“Yes and as I said its his ship, his decision.”

“Debatable. Rose, he made this place your home. You have every right to-“

“No, Jack I don’t,” she insisted even as she felt a gentle reproach from the TARDIS in her mind. “This is his ship. He made that abundantly clear.”

“Well you are more understanding than I am. I would have-“

She chuckled. “You would have given him a run for his money. I haven’t met a woman yet who could resist your charms.”

“You always could.”

“Oh, I was a lost cause long before we met.”

“Yes, if your moon eyes over the Doctor didn’t give it away then his ‘hands off the blonde’ routine did.”

She smiled, biting her lip.

“So, how were your adventures with Madame du Pompador?”

“She never made on board. He went back too late and she died. He was so upset about it. I think…I think he loved her.”

“No Rose. He didn’t.”

“You weren’t there Jack. You didn’t see him. He was crushed.”

“Well he’d know her for all of a day,” he sniped. “Of course he would be inconsolable.”

“Jack,” Rose groaned, rubbing at her tired eyes. “Can we please finish this tomorrow? Rehashing this is doing nothing for my self-esteem and I’m exhausted.”

He sighed, frustration eating at him. “Of course sweetheart, I’m sorry. It just irritates me. I wish I had been there to set him straight.” He took her empty mug from her hands and set it next to his. 

They snuggled into the covers and she sighed against his chest as the lights dimmed. “I wish you there too, if only to lend a more sympathetic ear than Mickey. He managed a record number of ‘I told you so’s that night.”

He snorted. “I bet he did.”

Rose yawned. “I’m glad you’re here now. I missed you, Jack.”

He pressed a kiss to her hair. “I missed you too, Rosie. Now get some sleep. We can catch up on everything tomorrow.” He held her close, listening to the steady rhythm of her deep breaths until he finally drifted off.


	10. We Drift as Closely as We Can

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A dream, the comfort of friends, and a shock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! This chapter was so difficult to edit but I'm pretty pleased with the results. I hope you like it. Let me know what you think. 
> 
> Recap: _Rose yawned. “I’m glad you’re here now. I missed you, Jack.”_
> 
> _He pressed a kiss to her hair. “I missed you too, Rosie. Now get some sleep. We can catch up on everything tomorrow.” He held her close, listening to the steady rhythm of her deep breaths until he finally drifted off._

_Rose woke with a start and strained to pull her chin off of her chest. Her neck ached and she tried to lift her hand to rub out the stiffness but was stymied by the cuff around her wrist. She lifted her head and looked around. Her eyes felt like they were rubbed with sandpaper and her mouth was dry, her tongue swollen and thick. She was chained to a metal chair in a white room with a metal table in front of her. The room was freezing; two large fans blew ice-cold air at her face, inducing violent shivers through her small frame. She heard the slosh of liquid and looked down to see her feet and the chair legs submerged in a tub of water. _

_Rose shook her head, forcing her brain into action when the door to the room swung open with vicious force. A hulking brute of a man walked in with a cruel smirk plastered across his rugged face. His hair was cut military short and his green eyes were piercing, filled with a twisted sort of glee. In his arms he carried a small device that resembled a car battery. She snapped to full attention._

_“Rourke,” she hissed past a throat so raw that she must have been gargling gravel._

_“Good morning Ms. Tyler,” he greeted with a genial sort of smile as he hooked the device up to the metal legs of her chair. When he finished he pulled another chair from the corner and sat placing the device in his lap. “I hope you feel more forthcoming today.” _

_Fear trickled down her spine. “I’ve already told you everything I know. I don’t have the answers that-“_

_He flipped the switch on the machine and her muscles jumped as fire sparked through her veins, boiling her from the inside out. Rose’s eyes slammed shut and she screeched in agony until her voice failed her. She heard the distant flick of a switch that halted the electrical current and her body sagged. _

_When she looked up again, she found herself in a dark forest blessedly unbound. Flickering light filtered through the trees and several screams floated on a belying gentle breeze. Rose stumbled onto weary feet and followed the sounds, urgency propelling her forward. She came to a smoky clearing where a crowd of humans cowered behind her Doctor, terrified of the floating pepper pots shouting orders above them. _

_“Leave these people alone,” he shouted with ineffectual vitriol. “They’ve done nothing to you.”_

_Rose glared at the bloodthirsty creatures above, filled with such resentment that she was sure it would become a living thing. Bloody Daleks! Those fucking pepper pots had ruined her life. She saw a man step forward form the crowd and try to reason with the maniacal beings. He spoke about his newfound respect for a universe that was much larger than he assumed and how they were the same…outcasts from society. But they weren’t the same; Rose knew this all too well. Daleks didn’t feel compassion or camaraderie or empathy. And in true fashion, Rose watched on in horror as the man was shot down on the spot. _

_“EXTERMINATE!”_

_The rough robotic command made her wince as tears gathered in her eyes. The crowd of humans shouted in shock and disbelief as the man’s body collapsed to the ground. Several men tried to rush forward but were held back. A woman in modern clothing who looked eerily like Tish whispered her disbelief at such cruelty. This had to be Martha. Rose drifted further into the clearing to get a closer look. Instead her attention was snagged as her Time Lord’s thoughts began to drift through her mind and her feet changed directions._

_He was livid and pained. He watched another human he respected die at the hands of his greatest enemy. That was all that the universe held for him anymore: Death and loss. His mind flitted to her then; another thing these monsters had taken from him. No more beauty or wonder experienced vicariously through whiskey colored eyes. His Rose, lost to him too soon. He was so tired of losing everything he held dear while these beings survived on. He was so tired of being alone. His hearts were so broken from that loss, he wasn’t sure they would ever repair. So what did it matter if he lived on anyway? He was an old man and if all he had left to experience was this gut wrenching loneliness, then he was better off dead. _

_“Alright so it’s my turn! Then kill me! Kill me if will stop you attacking these people,” the Doctor shouted, lifting his arms in a challenge. _

_“NO,” Rose cried, sprinting forward to use her own body as a shield._

_In some part of her mind Rose knew that this was just a memory, a shadow of things that had already passed, but she couldn’t stop her instinctual reaction to his furious game of Russian roulette. She knew what he was trying to do. One part of him hoped that this would save the humans behind him. The other part, the darker part, just hoped that this would be an end from the incessant pain that invaded his hearts. “Then do it,” he welcomed with open arms. “Just do it! DO IT!”_

_She tried to grab the lapels of his coat and pull him down. She tried to make him recognize her but her hands passed right through him. “Please,” she begged, tears falling down her cheeks. “Please don’t do this. You can’t. PLEASE!”_

_Looking up into his eyes she sucked in a pained breath. They were darker than she’d ever seen and filled with such anguish that her heart ached. She reached up to touch his cheek but the image whisped around her fingers and faded into nonexistence. _

_The memory disappeared only to be replaced by another. She turned around and found herself in the TARDIS console room. It was the same day but the Daleks had been defeated. Martha was sleeping off their latest adventure and all was well in New York again. But her Doctor wasn’t well. Yes, he defeated the Daleks but at the cost of countless lives. He felt wretched and exhausted, but he didn’t want to sleep. Sleep always tormented him with relentless, beautiful, dreams…dreams of her. _

_He was collapsed on the jump seat, staring at the ceiling, his coat and suit jacket long since abandoned on the nearest strut. As Rose drew closer the Doctor looked down, stroking his thumb over a spot on the worn leather. Her heart lurched when she saw the bright pink drop of nail polish still stuck to the fabric. He’d been fuming when she first dropped it there and gave her a relentless scolding but now he circled it with tender motions as if he treasured the memory. Tears filled his brown eyes until he dropped his head back and rubbed at them with one had. The Doctor released a shaky breath and stood, crossing to the console. He began flipping buttons and pulling levers, piloting his ship to an unknown location with effortless grace.  
The TARDIS landed with uncharacteristic gentleness, her melancholy hum echoing the Doctor’s heavy footfalls as he approached the doors. He opened them to reveal a darkened room with a vast white wall. Rose froze, staring speechless as he walked forward and sank down against it with his knees to his chest. He dropped his head back, staring at nothing and fighting back tears. Rose followed with hesitant steps and placed her hand against the smooth expanse of white before joining him on the floor. _

_“Tell me you didn’t do this,” she pleaded breaking the heavy silence. “Tell me you didn’t torment yourself this way.”_

_He dropped his head to the side, at last acknowledging her presence. “You know me too well for that. After all, I still torture myself with dreams of you.”_

_“Theta,” she whispered, the name dripping off her tongue with surprising familiarity. She had heard it so many times in all of his dreams of Gallifrey, the Master, and the Academy. It fit him. It just felt right. “Why? Why would you do this?”_

_His sad smile almost broke her. “Mad as it sounds, it made feel close to you.”_

_“Oh Theta,” she cooed as she raised her hand to his face._

_He turned into her touch, closing his eyes in relief and sending twin tracks of moisture down his cheeks. “I hate this,” he whispered. “I miss you but, as much as I love seeing your face again, I know that when I open my eyes you’ll still be gone.”_

_“No, no, I’m here,” she assured him. “I promise, I’m here.”_

_“Please don’t,” he whispered. “Don’t give me hope.”_

_Desperate to comfort him, Rose reached over and pulled him into her arms. His fierce embrace robbed her lungs of air but she refused to let go or push him away. They consoled each other through the tears in front of a cold desolate white wall that only seemed to mock their pain._

\----------------------------------------------

Rose woke alone in bed, sobbing into her pillow. A month had passed since she last saw the Doctor and saved Jack… a tortuous month. She missed Theta like a limb and her constant worry for him made her lungs feel starved for air. She needed to see him, to hold him, to know that he was alright. Weeping, she closed her eyes and tried to sink back into that dream, desperate to get back to him, but she knew from experience that it was hopeless. The lights in the room flipped on and she heard Jack’s frantic footsteps as he rushed to her side. 

His grease streaked face appeared in her line of vision as he crouched by the bed, brows drawn in concern. “Rosie, are you okay? I thought I heard you calling out.” 

She launched into his arms, crying with renewed vigor. 

“Sweetheart,” he soothed, hugging her tight and pressing a kiss to her hair. “What’s wrong?”

She mumbled something unintelligible through the gasps wracking her body.

“Was it another dream,” he asked. 

She nodded into his chest.

He tensed. “Torchwood?”

She shook her head and he relaxed. Jack was uncomfortable talking about Torchwood. The morning after that first night, he insisted that she tell him about the rest of their time apart. She was reluctant but finally relented. She told him all about going to the other universe, the Cybermen, meeting her Dad again, and losing Mickey. He was sympathetic and for that, Rose was grateful. She knew that Jack wasn’t Mickey’s biggest fan but he understood how the loss affected her.

She described landing in 1952, losing her face, and how it somehow brought her and the Doctor closer. He was particularly interested in her stories about Krop Tor, the Beast, and it’s predication regarding the Valiant Child. They laughed at her tale about the Absorbalof from Clom and his eyes glistened with delight when she told him all about the Isolus. The memories about her separation from the Doctor were a little harder to get through. He went quiet listening to the list of sins that could be laid at Torchwood’s feet and held her when the tears inevitably flowed, just as he held her now.

“Was it the Doctor?”

She nodded with a whimper. 

Jack’s eyes had gone wide when she explained about her connection with the Doctor, her suspended aging, and the trials she faced in Pete’s World but he nodded along, seeming to understand the basics of a telepathic bond better than she did. She tried not to whinge as she talked about her troubles, her pain, and her difficulty settling in. He never displayed any annoyance, though. He just listened, free of judgment and Rose felt safe. Her tongue loosened and she found herself describing precious memories of Tony, her mother, and father. She told him about her team at Torchwood and Jack beamed with pride when she talked about assuming the role of Director when Pete retired. His eyes, so bright and gratified, dimmed however when her narrative progressed to her captivity. He went still and stoic as she described her two years at a Torchwood black-site in the most vague and watered down of terms. She didn’t want to burden him with the details. She lived them and that was enough. It wasn’t necessary to spread the misery around. She didn’t want to hurt him…the way it had hurt her to learn of his fate.

Thanks to her, the Captain was almost three centuries old and it was clear that it weighed on him. At some moments, he seemed exactly as cheerful and carefree as he always had but there was a darkness in his eyes that belied his jovial attitude. He wasn’t the same Jack Harkness that she knew either. Like Rose, he’d gained mental and emotional scars that wouldn’t heal. He had demons that haunted him. She could understand. Demons dogged her dreams and thoughts as well, demons in the shape of a hulking man with cruel green eyes. Rose didn’t want to add to Jack’s bad dreams. Unfortunately, he was already familiar with Torchwood’s methods. 

At first, he was timid in his admission of working for Torchwood 3. He seemed ashamed and he admitted that he expected her to react the same way that the Doctor had…with disbelief and disgust. She had smiled and wrapped him in a tight hug. How could she be cross? He wasn’t responsible for the mess at Canary Warf and he was trying his best to change things, just like she had. After that, Jack had become animated discussing his team and their missions. His face grew particularly tender when he discussed a man named Ianto and a woman named Gwen. She’d shaken her head in exasperation…he hadn’t changed too much. Jack still had multiple dance partners; he still held her close and stroked her hair when she was sad. He was one of her best mates and no amount of time or distance would ever change that.

“Do you want to talk about it,” he asked rousing her from her thoughts.

She gave a vigorous shake of her head and pulled back. “Sorry.”

His fingers tilted her head back until she was looking into his sincere blue eyes. “You have nothing to apologize for.” 

She pulled her chin from his grip and, with a sniffle, wiped at the moisture on her cheeks. “Thank you, Jack. 

“Anytime sweetheart. That’s what I’m here for.” He drew away and sat back against the wall, somehow knowing that she needed space after her emotional breakdown. 

Self-conscious, Rose leaned against the bed with her legs drawn to her chest, fiddling with the hem of her nightgown in silence. Her fingers were still trembling and she fisted her hands in frustration. Argh! These dreams were going to send her mad. They were too vivid and prodded at memories that were best left alone. The memories of her captivity and torture were like a gaping black hole in her mind, ready to swallow her whole at any moment. Most days, her only defense against them was to focus all of her attention and energy on worrying about the here and now. She had enough filling her mind without that added stress. 

Those memories were not the ones that left her a quivering heap of tears, however. The memory of the Daleks in that eerie wood had destroyed her. The emotions that she could feel from her Time Lord were so intense and complex. The look in Theta’s eyes…that emptiness and grief called to her in unexpected ways. While she empathized with those emotions (having seen that same emptiness reflected back at her in the mirror every morning) she hadn’t expected to feel…reassured. It disgusted her and she hated herself just little bit more for the weakness. How could she take any relief in his pain? What did that say about her? 

After several minutes, Jack brushed a finger along the tips of her toes and she jumped looking up into his eyes. “Rosie, you’re going back to the bad place.”

She sucked in a deep cleansing breath and tried to cast those thoughts from her mind as she clambered to her feet. “Sorry. I’m just- I’m just going to take a shower if that’s alright.”

“Yeah, of course.” He jumped up beside her, concern in his blue eyes. “Are you okay?”

She waved away his worry even as her legs wobbled with each step. “I’m fine, Jack. Don’t fuss.”

He grabbed her elbow, pulling her to a stop. “Rose, you can’t just ignore these things. You need to talk about it. What happened?”

“You know I won’t tell you Jack, I can’t. I can’t betray the Doctor’s confidence like that. He doesn’t even know that he’s sharing these things with me. I’m sorry but there’s nothing you can do. Nothing short of seeing The- the Doctor is going to help.”

Grimacing the Captain leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on her brow. “I just wish I could help you.”

Rose smiled and cupped his cheek. “I know.”

“I can at least make you some tea,” he offered.

She nodded. “Thank you.”

Her sweet, loveable Captain was the big brother that she never had in many ways. He was so protective, always looking out for her well-being and he made this last month without the Doctor more bearable. Every time she woke up in tears from her nightmares, Jack was there to hold her and she always felt completely safe with him. In some dark corner of her mind, she wondered why she never felt the same spark for him that she did for Theta. It would probably make her life easier but it was no use wasting her time with such thoughts. Jack, although handsome and charming, didn’t put that spark in her blood. He didn’t crumble her to her knees with morsels of affection both cruel and tender in equal measure. Maybe she was a masochist but her love for Theta was an addiction that she couldn’t sweat out. If twelve years hadn’t rid her of the habit, nothing would. 

While Jack busied himself with the kettle, Rose rushed out of her clothes and into the shower. The warm water cascaded over her body, washing away the last remnants of her dreams. She felt more steady and in control, better able to work through her emotions. Her concern for Theta was still tantamount in her mind though. It seemed that the longer the days dragged on the further he crossed the line between dejection and despair. That memory of the Daleks had terrified her. He wasn’t just careless with his life; he was damn near suicidal. He needed a wake up call, something to shake him from this misery. 

She needed to see him, not just as some generic soldier, but she needed to see him as Rose. She had to let him know that he would have something once all of this mess was resolved. It was imperative for him to understand that, even if the universe was full of death and destruction, it also held beauty and love and second chances…even for a man who didn’t believe in them. Determined in her course of action, Rose turned off the shower and stepped out, wrapping herself in a towel. A mug of tea sat steaming on the counter and Rose could hear Jack working away in the console room. Good, she was glad to have him out of her hair for a minute so that she could think. He wouldn’t like what she was about to do. 

As she approached the bed, she found two new items alongside her normal attire of black fatigues…a hairdryer and natural bristle brush. “Ta love,” she breathed to the wonderful machine. “You must think it’s a good idea then.” 

The feeling she received in return was at best described as a noncommittal shrug. It was _something_ but, when Jack asked, she would swear to the TARDIS’ emphatic agreement.

Rose dried her hair with quick, efficient, strokes and dressed before piling the now silky strands atop her head and securing it with the black cap. She grabbed her necklace with the key and dog tags off of the nightstand and the mug of tea off of the counter before she marched out into the console room, ready for the fight that she knew would come from the Captain. As she walked in, he was nowhere to be seen. Wires and tools littered the grating and the welded plates around the console were slowly but surely being removed and dropped carelessly to the floor. Theta would be livid if he could see it right now. Jack’s head popped up from beneath the grating and she sat on the jump seat, sipping at her tea with a deceptive casual grace. 

He pulled his goggles over his head and eyed her up and down. “You’re looking much better.”

Rose smiled. “It amazing what a shower will do for you.”

His eyes narrowed in suspicion. “Every day you have come out here more morose and sad than the last. Yet, as if by some miracle, today, even after waking up in tears, you look resolved…happy. What changed?”

“I came to a decision that’s all.”

“What decision?”

She took a deep breath and examined the liquid in her cup. “Jack I’m going out today,” she stated with conviction. “I don’t care what you say, I am going to see the Doctor today and that’s final.”

He was groaning before she even finished her sentence. “Rose we’ve been over this. You can’t leave now. The Master and his people will be on high alert for anything suspicious. You need to lay low until-“

“I don’t care! I don’t. I need to see him and I need him to see me. I need him to know it’s me.”

“Are you crazy,” he asked. “Do you know what the Master will do if he gets his hands on you? Do you know how much he would enjoy breaking you just to rub it in the Doctor’s face? Do you really want to do that to him?”

“First of all,” she argued, placing her now empty mug on the seat beside her. “You’re acting like it is a forgone conclusion that I’ll be caught. I’m pretty stealthy, Jack. I was exploring this ship for months before I found you and I was the one who smuggled you out. Remember?”

“You’re just going to conveniently gloss over the part where a entire squadron of soldiers chased us down a hallway?”

“They didn’t catch us, did they?”

“Rose,” he growled, impatience coloring his expression. 

“And secondly,” she continued over his protests. “Secondly! The Master can’t break me any further than I already have been. Trust me, there is nothing he can throw at me that I haven’t experienced.”

Jack was stunned into silence at the absolute conviction in her tone and his brows drew together in sympathy. Rose squirmed, uncomfortable with his pity. His expression softened and he stepped closer, ready to do his best to convince her of the flaws in her plan. Rose wasn’t naïve. She knew it was dangerous; she just didn’t care. She needed to do this and she needed it now or she would go completely mental. The newly liberated view screen on the console flickered to life, startling them both into silence. A fuzzy image of the Master came into focus.

“My people,” he stated with magnanimous flair. “On this the eve of war, lovely woman.” The screen flickered and the audio cut in and out. 

Rose hit it twice before a sharp spark zapped her hand and the image refocused.

“But I know that there’s all sorts of whispers down there,” he continued. “Stories of a child walking the earth…giving you hope. But I ask you how much hope has this man got?” 

The Doctor’s old and withered face appeared on the screen and Rose’s fists clenched with fury and fear. What else could this madman do to him?

“Except he’s not that old,” the Master purred. “But he’s an alien with a much greater life span than you stunted little apes. What if it showed? What if I suspend your capacity to regenerate? All nine hundred years of your life Doctor, what if we could see them?”

“No,” Rose whispered, reaching out to Jack for support. 

He pulled her close and they both stared in transfixed horror when the Doctor’s body and twisted into unnatural positions. At last, there was nothing left but a pile of clothes on the floor. Rose cried out in disbelief and her knees shook. “Oh my god, Jack! Is he…did he…oh god!” She buried her face in his shoulder unable to face the possibility that her Time Lord could be…

“Rose look…look,” Jack insisted shaking her lightly. 

She dared a glance at the screen and watched with bated breath as the pile of clothes rustled. An impossibly small head peaked out from the blue collar of the Doctor’s oxford. His large eyes blinked against the harsh light and his mouth was nearly lost in the wrinkles on his face but he was alive. 

The Master smirked at the camera and stepped forward. “Received and understood, Ms. Jones?”

The screen cut to black and Rose covered her mouth with shaking fingers, shocked at what she just witnessed. Body trembling with fear and grief, she looked up at Jack and croaked, “I’m going.”

This time, he didn’t argue.


	11. Without You Ever Being Seen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And finally...they meet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a big one! The first chapter written from the Doctor's perspective. I hope you enjoy it as much as the ones preceding it. Thank you for reading. You are some awesome people. 
> 
> Recap: _The screen cut to black and Rose covered her mouth with shaking fingers, shocked at what she just witnessed. Body trembling with fear and grief, she looked up at Jack and croaked, “I’m going.”_
> 
> _This time, he didn’t argue. _

The Doctor looked through the bars of his gilded cage and surveyed the chaos of the world below from the window of the Valiant. He shivered and tried to shake off the dogged feeling that something had irreversibly shifted in the last few months. Let’s just say that things hadn’t gone exactly to plan. Changes were taking place that even he didn’t anticipate. His connection to the TARDIS was gradually strengthening with every passing day. She wasn’t strong enough to communicate but he got the vague impression that everything was going just fine for her. She was pleased with herself even. Yet, when he tried to question her about this, all he received was the equivalent of a dismissive shrug. That wasn’t good. He never liked it when she meddled. For now, he didn’t know what to make of it other than to say that it was unexpected. 

He regarded his small, wrinkled hand and scoffed. Unexpected? That was an understatement. He hadn’t expected to be aged to near death. With his ability to regenerate suspended, he was facing the real possibility that it could be his final dance in this miserable universe, if he wasn’t careful. It wouldn’t be a bad way to go but, if he failed to stop the Master, he would leave Martha, her family, and all of the humans left on Earth at the hands of his oldest enemy. That was unacceptable. But after…oh after…when the Master was taken care of, then he could surrender to that ever elusive peace…_or maybe not._

He thought about the mysterious Private Smith with a small amount of curiosity and guilt. How could he think about leaving her? She was an obvious part of his future (a future that he wasn’t sure he wanted) but she’d also become a friend who seemed to know him well. She helped lift his spirits. He couldn’t just abandon her. What if it caused a paradox? After maintaining the current one, he wasn’t sure this universe could support it. The Doctor sighed, resigned to his fate. Once again he was forced to continue on for the good of life everywhere, forced to continue through a universe that took so much from him and offered very little in return. Then again…it was possible that he wouldn’t have to. 

Smith disappeared from the flight deck of the Valiant over a month ago in search of Jack. He assumed from the Master’s following tirade that she succeeded. Jack was nowhere to be found and Smith seemed to fade into a fever dream. He didn’t see her for week, and then two. When it reached a month with no contact, the Doctor’s hope of finding her alive ran out. It was a pity; she represented a rare flare of curiosity in this weary universe. She was an interesting companion, both enigmatic and strangely familiar… a mystery waiting to be solved. 

Sighing, the Doctor collapsed onto the floor with a satisfying rattle and idly probed the, now dormant, telepathic presence in his mind, once again. Yet another mystery that tempted him to give this wretched existence one more shot but once again, he was rebuffed. Huffing in frustration, he reluctantly moved on, leaving the mind of this mystery guest player alone, for now. Whatever this telepathic being was, it appeared months ago (to his great consternation) as a soft pulse of golden light through his dreary mind. No big deal right? Other telepaths exist. But appearing on the same night that a shift in timelines had woken him from sleep? That was a flashing mauve sign of bad. At the time, he had seen it as a dangerous annoyance that he couldn’t afford but as the months passed it became a begrudging comfort. 

It never reacted aggressively even when he lashed out in frustration. All he ever received was a gentle, calm, barely-there push against his mind as if saying, “don’t you have something more important to do.” And yes, of course he did, but figuring out this little mystery seemed like a way better use of his time. It was just too intriguing. And, whatever this being was, it made him feel...safe and secure at a time when his environment was anything but. It never demanded anything and yet it was there to lend extra support during days when he felt so weak and exhausted, from his mental gymnastics with the Archangel Network, that he was sure he would never make it through. It bolstered him, like the gleam of a lighthouse in a storm and enticed him to unwrap the mysterious entity behind it. In his good moments, the Doctor thought that these conundrums gave him a reason, a desire to carry on but those were few and far between. 

A whole year he sat here watching as millions of people died. It damn near destroyed him but _fortunately_, if Martha was still alive somewhere down there, this could all be reversed like it never happened. _Unfortunately_, this past year of sitting around had given him an excess time to think which, for a Time Lord such as him, was anything but a blessing. So much time to sit and think over his nine hundred years, to recall all the loss and heartache and great failures of his tedious, long life. So many people he loved that were gone forever. Gallifrey, Susan, Barbara, Ian, Jamie, Zoe, Adric, Ace...Rose. 

Oh he thought about her more than all the others combined, remembering every tiny moment, every smile, every laugh, every touch, and every word both said…and unsaid. Gods but he missed her like a limb, as if his fightin’ hand had never grown back. He called himself lucky that day. He didn’t feel it now. So much death around him, so much loss, and all he could think about was one pink and yellow girl. Oh not so much yellow…but golden. His bright, shining, golden girl as she always was in his favorite memories of Game Station. It was so vivid; Rose stepping out of his Tardis bathed in golden light like an angel, crying gilded tears for _him._

It still baffled him every time. She did that for _him_…and he shouldn’t be surprised really. That’s why he always chose them because every one of his companions was brave and selfless, ready to lay down their lives for anyone… especially him. And how he wished they would stop. They always saw him as some sort of god, someone of profound significance, someone who was worth their lives. But not Rose. It never had to do with some form of hero worship with her. The Doctor assumed (hoped) that Rose’s sacrifice originated from genuine, abiding, love and that was…overwhelming. He couldn’t understand it, couldn’t understand what she saw in him that was worth her forever. 

When she came back to Canary Warf, leaving behind her friend and all her family in Pete’s World, he acted cross with her only to keep from falling to his knees in relief. Imagine, The Oncoming Storm, brought to his knees by a twenty-year-old woman. The Master might scoff at the idea but it was true. He had just about crumpled to the feet of this woman who had given him everything…all that she ever was or could be…who chose him over everything else. It was so damn humbling. 

And then he lost her anyway…

The absolute grief he felt as he pressed his face to that stark white wall, just able to feel her on the other side. It crushed him even now. He visited that wall a handful of times in the year that followed. He pressed his face there trying to get a faint hint of her again but he was always disappointed to feel nothing. More than once he ended up balled up on the floor, crying like a child against that wall, mourning her loss. There were so many things he wanted to tell her, show her and he’d never get the chance now.

His mind tried to take him to the memory of Bad Wolf Bay but he halted it in its tracks. He couldn’t endure that again. Watching those tears pour down Rose’s beautiful face had torn his hearts out. Hearing her say those words and not being able to kiss her breathless had been torture and not being able to say them back? He would forever, through the rest of his years and regenerations regret that moment above many others. 

He was so scared to say those words to her. Oh he felt them for sure but saying them, acknowledging them, would mean putting his hearts in her hands and trusting her when she promised a forever that she could never give. In the end though, he realized the words didn’t matter. She had his hearts anyway and she had taken them with her to Pete’s World. He was left a broken shell of a man who dared death to snatch him and end his pitiful existence without her. Maybe this time he would be granted such a freedom. 

One of the Doctor’s ears perked as the door opened. It was likely just Koschei coming to torment him again. He continued to stare out the window, caught in his own morose thoughts, until he heard a familiar whisper. 

“Doctor”

He tensed, stood, and turned from the window of the Valiant to survey the darkened room. His old eyes could just make out the vague shape of private Smith crossing the floor to him. He smiled. Her visits always seemed to put his overwrought mind at ease. It wasn’t easy, telepathically hacking the Master’s signal had tested his already meager skills. Coupled with the rapid aging, the Doctor was in a bad way. He was exhausted and lonely after a year with nothing but the Master’s torments. Smith’s visits became a rare bright spot of comfort for him. Seeing her now lifted his spirits and he wished she would come closer but she remained rooted in place, refusing to move. Although he couldn’t see her face because of the strong perception filter that she wore, he could tell by her shaky breaths that she was upset.

“Smith, is everything alright,” he asked with genuine concern. 

“No,” her voice quivered. “I saw what the Master did. I thought…” 

His brow furrowed. “Oh well I’m fine, as you can see."

“Fine,” she scoffed. 

He shrugged. “I’m alive. Where have you-“

“Doctor,” she interrupted. “I need to show you something okay? And I need you to not freak out or be angry with me for lying.”

“What do you mean?”

She dropped her ever-present weapon against the wall and whipped something over her head, knocking her black cap off with it. His vision cleared and his hearts stopped as the telepathic presence in his mind flared to brilliant life. Dark blonde waves of hair tumbled around a face that he knew better than his own. _Rose._ She was here as if his very thoughts summoned her from across the Void. His knees gave way and he collapsed on the cage floor with a rattle. 

She flew forward, anxiety pulsing off of her in waves. “Oh god, are you hurt? I didn’t mean to startle you its just I-.“ She wrung her gloved hands. “I couldn’t wait any longer. I wanted-I needed you to see me. Dammit, Jack said this was a bad idea. I’m sorry that I lied to you. I didn’t want to but I just- ”

He stared at her, uncomprehending. She didn’t mean to startle him? Rassilon could have appeared in her stead and it wouldn’t have startled him more. And what on Earth was she waiting for? Why had she waited at all? How had… _No!_ His rational mind shouted at him. _This isn’t real. It can’t be._ “I must be going mad,” he whispered. “I must have finally gone round the bend.”

“Doctor, no.” 

“Be quiet,” he shouted as loud as he was able and then covered his eyes with his tiny hands, trying to block out this image that tortured him so. “You can’t do this now. Keep your mind together, old man.”

“Doctor,” the apparition said in a soothing tone.

“No, no,” he screamed, tormented. “She’s not here,” he reminded himself even if it pained him to do so. “She- she’s not- she’s not here.” His voice broke on a sob.

The room went quiet and his hearts dropped. He was right. It was just the product of a troubled mind but then he felt her gloved fingers on his small arm, drawing his hand away from his eyes. He stared for long moments at the spot where her fingers reached through the wires of his cage. Summoning courage, he followed the line of her limb up to her amber eyes that shone with unshed tears.

“Hello,” she whispered. 

“Rose?”

She nodded, sending a tear racing down her cheek.

His mouth worked without sound until he cleared his throat. “How?”

She bit her plush bottom lip. “The short answer is the TARDIS. She brought me back.”

“How,” he whispered again at the risk of sounding daft.

She shook her head, waves of hair dancing around her pale face. “Does it matter?”

No. No, it didn’t. She was here, she was home and not only could he see her with his own eyes but he could feel affection flow off of her in unregulated pulses that made his head swim. His mind boggled. The telepathic presence he felt all these months was...Rose? How was that even possible? But he couldn’t deny what was right in front of him. She was a telepath...an untrained one, as evidenced by the full flurry of emotions that radiated from her. She was projecting everything to him, the complexity and depth of her emotions in this moment made him dizzy. 

She gave him a gentle smile and he whimpered with relief. “It isn’t often that I can leave you speechless,” she said with a giggle

“You always accomplished that feat with greater frequency than anyone else,” he replied, eyes still wide with disbelief. 

She gave a watery chuckle. “It is fun. I’ll admit.”

An awkward silence settled between them as if neither really knew how to proceed. The only thing he wanted to do was wrap her in his arms but…the Doctor was reminded of his current state and turned from her, mortified. She had never seen him so weak.

“Doctor,” she asked, her voice wavering. “What’s wrong? Are you in any pain?”

He shook his head, unwilling to admit to the severe aching pain in his ancient bones.

“Doctor, look at me…_Please._” 

It was the “please” that got him to turn and face her. It sounded as though she had started crying again and her tears always destroyed him. He made her cry so much. It was one of the many crimes that could be laid at his doorstep. He took in her beautiful face, trying to imprint it in his memory just in case this was a hallucination. He reached out a tiny hand to touch her gloved finger, thinking that she couldn’t be real. He hesitated right before contact, wanting to prolong the illusion. For surely that’s what this was…a dream…the product of an overwrought mind. He might be as insane as the Master now. But if insanity produced such beautiful visions as this one, then bring it on. He reached the rest of the way, expecting to pass through this apparition and meet the metal bars of his cage. Instead, he was met with a very solid figure. Beneath the fabric on her fingers, he could feel her warmth and vitality in the flickering beat of her pulse. 

“Yes Doctor. I’m real. I promise you. I’m here,” she said with tears in her eyes again. “I told you.”

Joy burst like a living thing inside the Doctor’s hearts followed by an onslaught of questions that he could not voice. He could feel both her joy and sorrow, mirroring his own confliction. He opened his mouth to ask one of the million questions circling his head but she cut him off with quick efficiency.

“Doctor, I know you must have thousands of questions and I will answer them all in due time but, for now, I need you to know something.”

He nodded for her to continue, still struggling with how to absorb this development into his current reality. How could he grapple with the idea that someone, so lost to him that she was effectively dead, appeared, out of the blue, in his weakest moment? How could he accept any of it as true? 

“You are not alone.”

The Doctor sucked in a sharp breath as the Face of Boe’s words echoed in his head again. Was he wrong all along? Was this occurrence part of the enigmatic creature’s true message? Had he known all along of Rose’s eventual return?

“Doctor,” she whispered past trembling lips. “I know that you’re feeling lost and rudderless. I know that you’re grappling for a reason to keep going and I just wanted you to know that I’m here. I’ll be here when all of this is over. I’m yours if-if you’ll have me.”

He was awestruck and frustrated. If there was ever a more inconvenient time to be the size of a predatory bird than the moment he wanted to kiss the love of his life until her knees were weak, he couldn’t think of it. Several shouts from outside the doors froze them in their spots. The Doctor’s blood turned to ice in his veins. Rose straightened and made her way to the door cracking it open as she peeked out. She pressed it closed and rushed back to his cage.

“Someone’s coming, I have to go.”

He shook his head, panic drawing tears from his eyes. “No, no, no. You can’t. I just got you back. Don’t disappear again.”

Her brows drew together and her trembled. “I can’t stay. You know I can’t. I’ve been told by too many people how much the Master would love to get his hands on me.”

The Doctor’s face fell and his change of opinion was immediate. “Go. Go now. You can’t let him find you. I don’t think I could bear it. Please go.”

Rose nodded. “I will but first, I have something for you.” She pulled a long dark blue cloth out of her pocket and ran it between her fingers. She glanced at him with sheepish brown eyes. “When I first came back to this universe, I had a hard time believing it was real. It was hard to believe that I had escaped my wretched circumstances and that I was home. Sometimes, the thing that grounded me was the smell of the TARDIS, especially the jump seat because I could smell you there. I know that sounds a little creepy but it really did help. So, at risk of sounding completely mental, I brought you this.”

She passed the silky blue cloth through the bars of his cage and he accepted it with a question in his eyes.

“I wore this to sleep last night,” she explained with twin patches of pink heating her cheeks. “So, when I walk out that door and you inevitability try to convince yourself that this was all a dream or hallucination, I want you to look at this and know that you’re wrong. You can see it, you can touch it, you can smell it. This is real Doctor...and so am I.”

He looked at the soft material pooled around him and brought it to his nose, filling his lungs with her scent. A small happy sob burst from his lips and he wondered if it would look pathetic to wrap the entire thing around him. He looked up with tears of joy in his eyes. “Thank you,” he croaked past the lump in his throat. 

“Anytime.”

The sounds in the corridor grew louder and the moment was broken as they both looked up in panic. 

“You need to leave, Rose.”

She looked back at him with her brows drawn in sadness. “I don’t want to.”

“I understand, trust me I do, but-“

“I know.” She bit her lip as if waging an internal war to get her feet moving. “You remember what I said, alright?”

He nodded. 

“See you later?”

“You better,” he replied with a watery smile.

Steeling herself, Rose kissed the tips of her gloves fingers and pressed them to the door of his cage. She snatched up her weapon and draped her necklace around her neck as she rushed to the door. She looked back at him once more before she walked through with a whispered, “Love you.”  
The door closed behind her and he tried so hard not to panic. She was gone as quick as she came. It was hard to believe that she wasn’t an apparition but he looked down at the gown around his feet and he did pull it around his shoulders, wrapping himself in her scent. Rose was home, she was real and she was his...for now that would have to be enough.


	12. But I Know You're There Beside Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Master and Doctor catch up. Rose and Jack make plans but...Oops!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy f-bombs this was so difficult to write! Seriously, I have this whole story written but I went back to watch these episodes I realized that I missed a huge part and some chapters demanded a rewrite. I'm sorry it has taken so long. I worked so hard though. I hope you like it. 
> 
> _The door closed behind her and he tried so hard not to panic. She was gone as quick as she came. It was hard to believe that she wasn’t an apparition but he looked down at the gown around his feet and he did pull it around his shoulders, wrapping himself in her scent. Rose was home, she was real and she was his...for now that would have to be enough._

The Doctor leaned against the bars of his cage with his eyes rooted to the door Rose left from, willing her to walk back through. She blew into this room like a warm summer wind and brought hope back into his life but she was gone all too fast. In her absence, the oppressive silence of night aboard the Valiant was already dimming his optimism. He looked out the window to the too dark world below. Just as she predicted, he began questioning what was real. It was late and he was exhausted. Maybe he was imaging things, maybe he was dreaming. It hadn’t been the first time he dreamt of her during this ordeal. Maybe his mind was playing tricks on him. 

How could she even be here anyway? It was impossible…or should be impossible. He searched high and low for a way to cross the boundary between universes. He drove himself to near insanity. How had she managed it, even with the help of the TARDIS? It seemed too much to hope for but it would be Rose that proved him wrong. She always took every one of his “rules” and ripped it to shreds. It was part of the reason he loved traveling with her. Always a surprise his Rose...he missed that. A frown tugged at his lips. How could he know for sure that his overworked mind wasn’t seeking comfort in a familiar and beloved memory? 

The Doctor plopped down, startled by the soft cushion that Rose’s silken shift created. His face (and doubt) softened as he ran his hands over it, grateful for the reminder that it represented. He inhaled, cataloguing every facet of her scent, and smiled. It was tangible proof that she here and, for the first time, he allowed himself to believe it. He felt almost giddy with joy that drew laughter from his throat. Already he was desperate to see her again and anticipation clawed at him. He was impatient to meet her properly, to wrap his arms around her, and twine their fingers together. 

Rose was home. She was real. He repeated this in his mind over and over again. Each time, the heaviness in his bones lifted by a fraction until it felt like he was floating on a cloud. He began to daydream about the future again...now that he had the chance of a future he wanted. He thought of all the places he would take her, the things he would show her...the things he would tell her. His thoughts were so distracted that he didn’t hear the Master enter and jumped when his impatient voice sounded outside his cage. 

“I don’t like being ignored,” he growled, glaring down at the Doctor when his eyes caught on the blue gown. “What is that?”

He froze. “A blanket. Will you really begrudge me that? I’m nine hundred years old and it’s fucking freezing in here.”

His eyes narrowed in suspicion. “Where did you get it?”

“I asked for one and it was provided to me...after, I insinuated that you may be upset if I wasn’t kept healthy.”

“Ha! And they believed that...stupid apes.”

“They’re your people,” the Doctor reminded him. “Maybe they just weren’t heartless to the pleas of an old man.”

“You are unbelievable old,” the Master taunted. “You’re all wrinkled and bald and ugh. It’s disgusting.”

He sighed with irritation. “What is it that you want now? I’m busy.”

“Impatient are we, Doctor? But it won’t be long now. Tomorrow they launch. All those rockets will go blasting into space, starting the war to end all wars.”

“I find it sad that you need this much attention. Especially from someone you claim to loathe.”

The Master laughed and circled his cage. “Tsk, tsk Doctor. Getting stroppy in our old age?”

“I’m not stroppy,” he replied with a satisfied smile. “In fact, there is nothing you could say at this moment that would upset me.”

His brown eyes narrowed. “Hmmm, is that so? Tomorrow we’re opening a rift in Braccatolian space. Kind of scary...are you telling me that doesn’t upset you? After all your time spent defending this pathetic pustule of a planet, you have no feelings regarding its demise?”

The Doctor sat up and saw that the Master wasn’t alone. At the head of the table stood poor Lucy. She looked frail and ghostly in the ostentatious red dress that hung off her slight frame, highlighting her bony angles. He turned a glare on the other Time Lord. “If you care so much about my feelings, then stop.”

He smirked. “Once the new empire is established and there is a new Gallifrey in the heavens...maybe then it stops.” He sauntered closer to the cage and his eyes became troubled. “The drumming...the never-ending drum beat ever since I was a child. I looked into the Vortex, that’s when it chose me, the drumming, the call to war. Can’t you hear it? It’s there now, _right now._ Tell me you can hear it, Doctor. Tell me.”

His whispering, crazed, voice made, what little hair the Doctor had left, stand on end. It wasn’t the first time the Master scared him but it was the first time that he doubted if he could be saved. Terrified, the Doctor reached out to the small telepathic presence in his mind, that he now knew to be Rose, but it was dormant, silent. She was still wearing the dampener. He swallowed the lump in his throat and instead fisted his small hand in the blue silk at his feet, hoping that her familiar scent would offer a small amount of comfort as he watched his once friend become consumed by his madness. He approached the bars of the cage, his brows drawn in concern. “It’s only you.”

He saw the brief flash of fear in the Master’s eyes that was quickly hidden under false confidence. “Good.”

“Why,” the Doctor asked trying to divert him from his nonsensical rambling about drums. “Why are you doing this? It won’t change anything. It won’t make you happy.”

“Happy?” The Master chuckled, shaking his head. “Oh Doctor, what a quaint human idea. There are many things that make me happy, a good book, a warm fire, a clean TARDIS, death, chaos, the subjugation of an entire species… the heartache of my greatest enemy. Happy is a relative term. Are you _happy_?”

The Doctor ran his hand over the soft material around him, sending the smell of sweet amber soap and something uniquely Rose into the air again. He shook his head in disbelief and wondered for the millionth time if she was a hallucination. He knew that his mind could cook up quite a convincing illusion, if so inclined. But even so, who cared? If his battered body and mind finally gave him peace in insanity, then who was he to say it wasn’t real? Even if it was a dream, vision, fantasy, delusion, it was the happiest he’d been in the last two years. At least he had hope. So in answer to the Master’s question… “Yes, right now I am happy.”

His incredulous mouth floundered in shock and he fixed the Doctor with a dangerous stare. “You lie. Look at you. You are stuck in a world of my making, where I am king. I have killed so many of your _precious_ humans. You can’t regenerate and are now feeling every one of your nine hundred years. There is no possible way for you to be happy!”  
“That’s not really for you to decide,” the Doctor reminded him.

This only enraged him further and his hand darted out, knocking the golden cage to the floor in a fit of temper. The Doctor bounced around inside unable to ground his small fragile body to any surface. When his world stilled, he groaned, rubbing at limbs that ached with forming bruises. Chest tender, he clambered to his feet and stood on the barred wall of his cage but, just as he found his balance, the Master plucked it up, tossing him to its floor once again. He grunted and pulled the tangled cloth from around his head only to come face to face with the Master’s furious eyes. 

“Do you see what you made me do, Doctor,” he snarled. “Why can’t you just behave as you were meant to? You should be terrified!”

“Koschei, you are my oldest friend,” he gasped, probing his injuries. “When have you ever known me to behave as I was meant to?” 

One of the Master’s sadistic Toclafane floated into the room, interrupting their argument with malicious glee. “Tomorrow the war. Tomorrow we rise, never to fall.” 

The Doctor felt ridiculous calling them by that name but he couldn’t bear to name them properly. It hurt too much...all those people at the end of the universe, dreaming of an escape and this what awaited them. 

“You ask me why, Doctor? That is why. You see? I’m doing it for them. You should be grateful. After all, you love them so very much. The affection you hold for this vermin infested ball of sewage; I could never understand it.”

“Humans are beautiful creatures,” he gasped, breaths sawing in and out of his lungs. “They’re clever, creative, courageous. They persevere and throw the word impossible out the window but that...” He indicated the floating silver ball. “That is not human.”

The Master rolled his eyes. “I think I’m going to be sick. They’re apes Doctor, disgusting, smelly, apes. But I would say their new upgrade is an improvement. They’re the perfect tools to bring my war to fruition. They will follow my drumbeat across the universe.”

Again with the drumming? He sighed. “Koschei.”

“That is NOT my name!” His breaths were heavy, fury written across the lines of his face. 

The Doctor held up his hands in supplication. “Master,” he corrected. “Please, let me help you.”

“Help me,” he scoffed in disbelief. “You can’t even help yourself. Even your friends have abandoned you. Captain Jack escaped and hasn’t once tried to rescue you. I think they might be losing faith.”

“Wherever Jack is, I want him to stay there. If only to keep him away from you.”

“Do you know where he is,” he asked with shrewd eyes. He’d asked this question many times before but never with this cool, quiet intensity. 

Unease drew spidery fingers up the Doctor’s spine. “No, I don’t. You’ve been in my head. You know I don’t.”

The Master frowned and walked back to Lucy’s side. She flinched from him when he lifted his hand to stroke her cheek. Fury flashed behind his eyes and he trapped her jaw in a hard grip. Lucy whimpered and the Doctor’s hearts ached for her. She didn’t do anything wrong. Her only crime was the same as all of his companions; she accepted when she was offered all of time and space. She just followed the wrong Time Lord. 

“What do you think of my faithful companion, Doctor,” he asked, turning her face towards him. “She is rather...” He let loose a soft moan. “Enticing. I know you have a predilection for blondes this time around.”

The world went very quiet and his eyes narrowed, studying the Master’s every movement. Was he just trying to torment him or did he already know Rose was here? If he touched her…well, let’s just say it would make things very, very… simple. “Stop,” the Doctor almost growled the quiet demand.

“Oh, that got your attention. You’re right, I have spent a lot of time in your head recently and Rose Tyler, she’s always on your mind, Doctor. She’s your real weakness, your Achilles heel. It’s always the women, isn’t it,” he jeered, at last releasing Lucy’s face and dropping into the chair at the head of the table. “Oh, but I know; this one was _special_. What a disappointment Miss Jones must be. There’s nothing remotely unique about her. You used to have companions who absorbed the Time Vortex. If only Dame Rose was within my grasp. Tell me Doctor, where is she now? Did she leave you? Did she die? Did she burn?”

“She’s safe, where you will never be able to hurt her.”

“Hurt her? Why would I hurt her,” he smirked. “You seemed to do a fine job of it all on your own. All the guilt you harbor towards her is so telling; I wouldn’t need to do anything.”

He resisted the urge to shout at him. The Master wanted him angry, not thinking. He might let something slip. He had to stay cool but inside his hearts hammered in his chest, terrified for Rose’s safety. He gripped the bars of the cage white knuckled, determined not to let his taunts hit their mark. “I would never do what you have done.”

“And what have I done. All I did was take Lucy on a little trip. I took her to Utopia… a Time Lord and his human companion. I took her to see the stars. Isn’t that right sweetheart?”

Lucy’s tear-filled eyes flicked to him and her reedy voice shook, “Trillions of years into the future, to the end of the universe.”

“Tell him what you saw.”

“Dying, everything dying, the whole of creation falling apart and I thought there’s no point, no point to anything, not ever.” 

Suppressed sobs seemed to clog her throat and the Doctor grimaced. That was too close to something Rose said after their first trip...when he took her to see the end of her world. He’d seen it in her eyes as she watched the Earth burn...that small question of, what’s the point, if it all comes to dust in the end? Guilt pricked his conscience. Was he as bad as the Master? If Rose hadn’t been as strong or resilient as she was, could his desperation to have someone understand his pain have traumatized her in the same way? He tried to dismiss the idea. Rose and Lucy were in no way the same. Lucy wasn’t just disillusioned about her purpose and place in the universe. She showed signs of serious mental and physical abuse at the Mater’s hands. The Doctor would never dream of subjecting Rose to that and Rose would never stand for it.

“And it’s all your fault,” the Master purred, drawing him back to the present. “After all, I had nowhere else to go. You locked the TARDIS coordinates, stifled my freedom. All I could do was find Utopia. You should have seen it Doctor, furnaces burning, the last of humanity screaming at the dark. And where were you? Their protector? Their savior? You abandoned them. And with no hope left for them, all the human innovation that had sustained them across the eons, it all turned inward. They cannibalized themselves.”

The sphere giggled with madness. “We made ourselves so pretty.”

He smirked. “They regressed into children but even that didn’t work. The universe was collapsing around them and, in their hour of need, I was there to rescue them. I brought them back and gave them a new life…thanks to my masterpiece. The paradox machine, crafted from a living TARDIS strong enough to hold the paradox in place, allowing the past and the future to collide in infinite majesty.”

“But you’re changing history, not just Earth’s but the entire universe.” 

“I’m a Time Lord. I have that right,” he responded with a growl that chilled the Doctor to his very core. 

He wet his lips. “But even then, why come all this way just to destroy?”

“We come backwards in time all to build a brand-new empire lasting one hundred trillion years,” the silver orb answered.

“With me as their Master,” he completed. “Time Lords and humans combined. Haven’t you always dreamt of that, Doctor? Quite literally in these last few years when your precious Rose was around?” He laughed. “What a stupid frivolous fantasy. Did you really hope to dilute our Time Lord genes with these foul creatures? You have dreamt about her holding your child and you think I am mad? What would your father say? He would be horrified at your traitorous disloyalty of our people.”

He looked down and saw his small feet, covered by Rose’s nightgown, but this time, instead of bringing comfort, it only brought shame. Shame for his betrayal of his culture, shame for his betrayal of Rose’s devotion. Shame so thick it swallowed him. “It was never something I considered seriously,” he lied. “It was just a dream, a silly dream.”

“To think that they would ever be worthy.” He tsked and shook his head. 

The Doctor’s eyes snapped up in a glare. “You can say anything you please about me but Rose, she’s worthy of more than I could ever give her.”

“Your attachment to her is embarrassing.” 

“She was there for me. She helped me. What was I supposed to do after Gallifrey burned? Where was I supposed to go? You swanned off and hid at the end of the universe, leaving me alone. I had nothing!”

“You should have made the whole of reality pay! Beings across the universe from Sol 3 to the Medusa Cascade and beyond should have quaked in fear of your wrath,” he shouted jumping to his feet. “And yet you, still the tender heart, attach yourself to the first lowly being who shows you any modicum empathy! It’s pathetic!”

“Maybe it is, but humans, Rose especially, gave me a place to call home when ours was dust. They made me feel like I wasn’t…alone.”

“There,” the other Time Lord instructed, indicating the floating silver ball. “There is one your precious humans. That is what they are, Doctor! Don’t make them into some noble creatures. The human race? They are the greatest monsters of them all. And they will let you down.”

He looked up with solemn brown eyes, filled with accusation. “It wouldn’t be the first time.” 

The Master smirked and stepped around the table pausing at his companion’s side. He grabbed Lucy’s hand and she cried out in pain. “You should have learned the first time. After all, dear Doctor, fool me once shame on you but fool me twice?” He shrugged as he stepped toward the door. “I’m off to pick up Martha Jones now, Doctor. Would you like me to give her a message for you?” He waited but the Doctor stayed silent. “No? Nothing? Well, as you wish.” He chuckled, waving with a flourish as he exited the room. 

The Doctor fell to his knees and gathered the soft nightgown in his hands, bringing it to his nose. A sob shuddered through his ribs. The Master made a liar of him; it turns out that he did manage to upset him. After Rose’s visit he was feeling so optimistic but now, reality crashed back onto his shoulders hard. It was incredible that she found her way back to this universe but nothing between them had fundamentally changed. All the lofty ideas he had about their reunion, about the things he would change, the things he would do; they were all just fantasies. They were separated by circumstance. If he were human or she a Time Lady, things would be different. They would have the freedom to… He sighed; this line thought was useless. These were things that they could not change but it didn’t mean that he couldn’t take comfort in her return. She was still his best mate and he was so glad that she was home. 

\---------------------------------------

Rose sighed and approached the door to the TARDIS’ cupboard, casting a discrete glance over her shoulder as she opened it. The TARDIS’ blue exterior stood out against the various crates of supplies like a beacon in a storm. Her heart lurched in her chest. Without the Doctor, she just couldn’t find the same comfort in it and she had left him back in that cage...alone. She would rather have torn off her arm and left it behind. That would have been easier. In the end, she didn’t think that their rendezvous gave either of them the morale boost she was hoping for, but she couldn’t fault it entirely. 

She learned useful information in her wanderings around the Valiant into the wee hours of the morning. Turns out, that night was when gossip really started to flow. Rose spent the last several hours, taking the long way home, and tried to pick up discrete tidbits of information here or there. She needed to remember to thank Jack for convincing her to wait until night fell before she went to visit the Doctor. She pictured his smug ‘I told you so’ face and grimaced. On second thought, maybe she wouldn’t. If his ego got any bigger, he would be insufferable.

Rose trudged toward the doors and stuck her key inside the lock when something caught her eye. She hunched down to examine scratches and small dents around the keyhole. Her brow furrowed. Were those there before? They could be old, from the many moments that a Time Lord rifled through his bigger on the inside pockets, searching in a panic for a single key. It could be from the moments of, _’hurry Doctor hurry’_, and _’I’m trying, I’m trying’_ and _’Doctor! They’re coming’_ and _’yes, I can hear that. Do you know what’s not going to help? Your shouting!’_ Rose rolled her eyes; she never understood why he couldn’t keep his key around his neck like she did. Brow furrowing, she ran her thumb over the metal, feeling the deep grooves. This didn’t look like damage sustained during a frantic rush to escape danger. The scratches looked angry, deliberate, and filled with frustration. A chill crept along her spine. She stood and looked around, feeling an invisible set of eyes on her. She turned in a circle but saw nothing of concern in the stacks of crates. Shaking off her unease, Rose turned the lock and walked inside. 

Jack heard the doors close with a soft snick and popped up from behind the console. He saw her lips pursed in concern and frowned. “Everything okay?”

She brushed her fingertips over the doors and tossed a glance to him over her shoulder. “Have you heard anything at the door? Anything that sounds like someone trying to force the lock?”

He shrugged. “No, nothing. Why?”

She shook her head. “No reason. I’m probably just being paranoid.”

Hearing the unease in her tone, Jack pulled the goggles off his face and Rose almost broke into spontaneous laughter, in spite of her discomfort. He looked like raccoon with two patches of clean pale skin around his eyes that stood out from the grease covering the rest of his face. 

“Are you sure,” he asked with brow raised.

Rose snorted and felt her anxiety start to fall away inside the safety of the console room. “Yeah, Jack it’s fine, unlike you. You are filthy!” 

He grinned, his white teeth gleaming against his grease coated skin. “Comes with the territory. So, how’d it go?”

She rolled the tension out of her shoulders and leaned her weapon beside the door. Trotting up the gangway, she tossed her necklace over one of the levers on the console and sighing when the world around her seemed to readjust, like stretching a metaphorical muscle. “It was fine, Jack. Everything went fine.” 

“You weren’t followed?”

“No, and I made sure to check.” She rolled her eyes. “Honestly, it’s like you think I’ve never done this before.”

“Well you were gone for a long time. What were you two doing?”

“I wasn’t with him the whole time,” Rose explained. “I spent some time with other soldiers in the mess hall. A lot of them keep late hours. Heard some interesting stuff and...” She pulled a cold sandwich and an apple out of her trans-dimensional pocket and tossed it to him. (Gods but she loved these trousers!)

He caught the items with effortless grace and tore into it with gusto. “Fuck yes! Real food.”

“Eat up. You’re gonna need it.” She leaned against the railing and pulled another apple from her pocket, rolling it between her fingers. 

“Why? What’s up,” he asked around a mouthful. 

“Ugh. Jack, please…chew with your mouth closed,” she grumbled. He stuck out his tongue covered in half-chewed turkey sandwich and she rolled her eyes. He was such a child. 

“So, what going on out there?”

“Well from what I was able to gather, it seems like the Master is ready to launch all those rockets you were telling me about. We have hours to go. He’s gearing up for war against the whole universe and his soldiers? They were excited about it. I mean how is that even possible?”

“I told you,” he replied. “The Master’s embedded telepathic signal is powerful. Even Martha and I were ready to vote for the guy but had no idea why.”

“Yeah but a war like this could spell the end of the human race as we know it. They’re cheering for their own destruction.” She shook her head in disbelief. “I wish you knew what the Doctor was planning.”

He pursed his lips. “Well it’s not like we had a lot of private time to chat this year and he’s not going to risk the Master getting wind of a plan. All I know is that, when things went south, he sent Martha away to do _something._ What that is, I don’t know.”

She contemplated this for a minute. Jack told her all about flying to the end of the universe, finding the last of humanity traveling to Utopia, and meeting Professor Yana, who was actually the Master in disguise. He stole the TARDIS but the Doctor was able to lock the coordinates so that he could only travel between 2007 and the end of the universe. They used Jack’s teleport to get back to 2007 where they found that the Master was now Prime Minister of Great Britain under the name Harold Saxon. He apparently spouted off some nonsense about meeting a new alien race called the Toclafane; which the Doctor deemed absurd because they were just scary bedtime stories told to children...like the boogie man or Bloody Mary. 

Branded as fugitives, they tried to lay low, sneaking back to Martha’s flat to gather information before it was blown up and her family abducted for leverage. They found a place to hide in an abandoned warehouse where they learned about the Master and the Archangel Network of satellites that he used to hypnotize humans. It took them some time but the Doctor finally devised a plan. 

Using perception filters, they snuck aboard the Valiant ahead of Saxon’s big meeting with the Toclafane and found that he transformed the TARDIS into a paradox machine. They hurried to the flight deck, where first contact with the new alien species was set to take place. The Doctor said that if he could just slip one of the perception filters around the Master’s neck, everyone would be able to see him for what he was but they were too late. The Toclafane disintegrated the American and they were all captured. The Master used his laser screwdriver to age the Doctor and, seeing no way out, the Doctor gave Martha the teleport. He sent her out into the world with secret instructions that only he seemed to know. 

Rose’s brow furrowed in concentration. Nothing made sense. Why did the Master need a paradox machine? What was the paradox and why didn’t the Doctor just dismantle the damn thing if it would fix this whole mess? She brought her apple to her lips and bit into the flesh almost moaning in delight when the sweet juice dropped down her throat. Fuck, she’d missed real food. She chewed thoughtfully. “They found Martha. Word is they are bringing her on board in the next few hours. I wonder what she’s been doing all this time.”

Jack shrugged. “I’ve heard rumors...something about a gun.”

“Yeah I heard that one too,” she agreed, taking another bite of her fruit. “A gun in four parts that can kill a Time Lord for good?”

“You sound skeptical.”

“It doesn’t seem just a bit out of character to you? Our Doctor sent his companion, Martha, out into a hostile planet to find a gun so she can what? Kill the Master? I just don’t buy it.”

“Well there’s bad blood between them. Doc said he’s been dealing with the Master’s crap for centuries. Maybe he’s tired of it?”

“So, he’s going to kill the only other existing Time Lord? No way. He wouldn’t do that, that’s ridiculous.”

“Well what else did he send her out to do?”

“I don’t know…not that.”

“You don’t know everything about him, Rose. He’s different now,” Jack explained in a soothing tone. 

“He’s not that different,” Rose snapped. 

“Well then what do you think he told her,” he barked in response. 

“I don’t know. I wasn’t there but I know how much it hurts him to be the last of his kind. I have a hard time believing that he’s going to kill the only other Time Lord in existence.” _Especially not the Master._

“Well, what do you want to do, Rose?”

“I don’t know... do you think there is some way that we can intercept Martha when they bring her aboard?”

Jack’s incredulous look would have been comical under different circumstances. “Are you insane?! She’ll have an entire squadron of soldiers with her and possibly the Master. How are you and I supposed to take on all of that alone? Besides, what if she was supposed to be caught? What if it’s part of the plan?”

She growled in frustration. “Fine. Then we shadow her and if things go wrong, we can step in. If it’s part of the plan, we can help. We have to do something, Jack. I’m not going to just sit on the sidelines in some plastic bubble that you and the Doctor made for me.” 

The Captain rubbed at his eyes. “I don’t think it’s a crime to want to keep you safe, Rose. But if you insist...”

“I do.”

“Fine, then we shadow her, and we’ll interfere if things go south but until then, we lay low. Got it?”

Rose grinned and saluted him. “Yes, sir.”

“Fantastic,” he sighed, throwing his hands up in exasperation. “And I’ll just hope at the end of this that the Doctor doesn’t introduce me to his airlock for placing you in danger.”

She laughed. “Don’t worry, Jack. I won’t let him. Besides, he knows that I would just go on my own if you didn’t agree.”

“That doesn’t make me feel any better. So, how long do we have?”

“Well, it was around four in the morning when I made my way back here. I’d give it maybe an hour or two before they find her and bring her aboard. We can leave now, scope out the arrival zone?”

He shook his head. “No, I need a shower and time to wrap my head around this suicide mission.”

Rose rolled her eyes. “Don’t be so dramatic, Jack.”

“And you,” he continued, ignoring her snarky aside. “You need to eat, rest up, and get your head on straight. You’re too eager right now, you’re raring for a fight and that’s the last thing we need.”

“I’m frustrated. I’m tired of sitting back and doing nothing.”

“Maybe you should focus on other things, like keeping yourself alive and whole. If not for your sake; then for the Doctor. How’s he doing, by the way?”

Rose sighed and ambled closer to where he leaned against the console. She plopped into the jump seat across from him. “About how you’d expect. I think he’s in pain. Aging like that, it took its toll, even on a Time Lord body it seems. It was one of the only times I’ve ever really seen him struggle.”

“Was he surprised to see you?” 

“Of course, Jack,” she replied with a small grin, twin spots of pink highlighting her cheeks. “But I think he was happy.”

“No doubt. You only get the love of your life back once…maybe twice in a lifetime.”

“Stop Jack,” she admonished. “I’m hardly the love of his life.”

“I haven’t heard of anyone else.”

“He had a whole family on Gallifrey,” she replied feeling a little bit guilty for spilling this secret. “He was a dad.” 

“Wait…What?”

She nodded. “He let it slip our last year together. I couldn’t believe it either.”

“Huh.” He seemed to mull the information over. “I bet he was a great dad.”

“Yeah, me too.” Rose tried to smile but her lips pulled down in a frown. 

Jack noticed and knelt in front of her trying to catch her eyes. “Sweetheart, you know that whatever he had with this person on Gallifrey, it has no bearing on his feelings for you. That was a long time ago.”

Her lips twitched. “I understand that. That’s not what I’m worried about.”

“Well, what are you worried about?”

She squirmed, uncomfortable under his probing stare. “What if the Master isn’t killed? What if, after the Doctor fixes all of this, the Master is still around? What do you think he’ll do with him?”

He frowned and shrugged. “Probably take him aboard the TARDIS, if only to keep an eye on him. Why?”

She looked at the half-eaten apple in her hand and set it down on the seat beside her. It tasted like ash now. “He wouldn’t let me come with them. He would think that he was putting me in danger. He would leave me behind.”

Understanding dawned on Jack’s features and he placed a comforting had over hers to stop her from ripping apart her cuticles. “Well I only have two things to say to that: would you really want to travel with the Master? And I don’t think the Doctor has it in him to leave you behind.” Rose opened her mouth to protest but he shook his head, cutting her off. “You didn’t see him. He was torn up from losing you. I don’t think he has the strength to leave you behind.”

Her brows furrowed. “But if he does, where will I go? I have nothing on Earth. My family is gone and I don’t even know what technically happened to me here.”

Jack cleared his throat. “Well technically, Rose Tyler died in the battle of Canary Warf.”

She nodded, face blank. “So, I don’t even exist here. What would I do?” She looked to him with tears in her eyes. “Could I stay with you? Work at Torchwood?”

His brows shot up. “You would want to?”

“Yeah,” she insisted. “If I can’t be with the Doctor, then with you is the only place I would feel comfortable going.”

He smiled. “Of course you always have a place with me, Rosie, but, for now, let’s just assume that, when this is over, you and the Doctor will be traveling the stars together again. Just like it should be, okay kiddo?”

She bobbed her head in agreement but her smile looked more like a grimace. “Okay.”

“Good.” Jack stood and placed a kiss to her forehead. “I’m going to go shower and you are going to eat. I assume you got yourself more than a single apple.”

“Yes, but I’m really not hungry.”

“I don’t care. Choke it down if you have to but you need to keep your strength up, Rose. I’ll be back in about an hour. Wait for me; do not leave without me.”

“An hour? What the hell are you doing in the shower for an hour,” she balked.

“Do you really want to know,” he asked with a suggestive raise of his brow. 

She grimaced. “No, no thank you. I regret asking.”

“You could always help,” Jack teased. “Things might move faster.”

“I’m good, ta.”

He lifted a shoulder. “Your loss.” He sauntered from the room, the sound of his laughter trailing behind him. Minutes later, she heard the distant sound of running water.  
Rose settled deeper into her seat and tried not to bounce with restrained anxious energy. She hated waiting and felt like she could jump out of her skin at any moment. Pulling another sandwich from her pocket, she took dutiful bites, to keep her hands busy at the very least. Her mind inevitably drifted to the Doctor. It was never far from him. What was he thinking now? How did he really feel about her coming back? She closed her eyes and tried to concentrate past her anxiety. 

She found the place in her mind that was connected to the Doctor and tried to calm her thoughts. She couldn’t quite distinguish his emotions. She wasn’t skilled enough to decipher any individual one. It was frustrating. Clearing her mind enough to concentrate on him was a chore but she did her best to explore these new senses with enthusiasm. She picked up on a sudden burst of sadness and fear. Rose frowned. Why was he sad now? 

A large hand landed on her shoulder and she yelped, startled from her thoughts. She turned to find Jack’s mischievous grin. He looked fresh-faced and handsome, with his devastating blue eyes, dark hair and chin dimple. Had she been any other woman, she might have had the urge to swoon but the most she could muster was annoyance. She punched his arm in reproach. “You scared me, wanker.”

He laughed, cringing from her wrath. “Sorry sweetheart, I called your name but you didn’t answer. You must have been pretty deep in thought.”

“I was- never mind. Are you ready? That didn’t seem like any time at all.”

Jack raised a dubious brow. “Rose, it’s been almost an hour.”

Her eyes went wide and she rubbed at her forehead in concern. “Really? It feels like it’s only been minutes.”

The lights in the console room flashed and Jack looked up with a grin. “I think that’s our queue. Let’s get this train wreck of a plan over with.”

Rose looked up to the domed ceiling and her brows furrowed, unease crawling over her skin like spider webs. The Captain pulled her toward the doors but her feet were hesitant. The red lights flashed again as he passed her weapon into her arms. She gripped it on instinct and a thick sense of dread settled over her. He opened the door and stepped through but Rose rushed after him. “Wait Jack!”

Outside they jerked at halt, arrested by the sight of a half dozen soldiers dressed in black, standing behind the Master with several of those eerie spheres floating around his head. Ice oozed through her veins, freezing her heart mid-beat. 

“Hello.” He grinned. “Fancy meeting here like this.” 

Rose was the first to recover. Her hands twitched for her weapon but the Master was ahead of her. 

“Ah, ah, ah,” he warned as the multiple soldiers raised matching rifles. “Drop it.”

With stilted reluctant motions they pulled the weapons over their head and tossed them to the floor.

“Jack close the door,” Rose tossed over her shoulder and she heard it close behind her.

The Master looked at her as if she had said something rather adorable. He lifted the key from around his neck. 

“Yeah, go ahead try it,” she taunted him, remembering those deep scratches around the keyhole. “Because I’m betting it won’t work. I don’t think it’s worked for some time.”  
He glared at her, eyes dark and menacing. “A TARDIS always obeys her Time Lord.”

Her eyes narrowed. “But you’re not her Time Lord.”

He took a quick threatening step toward her but seemed to think better of it and turned to Jack, resuming his menacing grin. “So Captain, I finally found you after our little game of hide and seek, you and your little accomplice. You two have been holed up in the TARDIS for the better part of a month. It must have been quite the torrid affair.”

“Get your mind out of the gutter,” Rose snapped drawing his gaze back to her face. “We’ve been in there hiding from you.”

“Ah and she’s got some spark this one. Tell me sweetheart…what’s your name?”

Her chin lifted in defiance and she refused to speak another word.

“Hmm,” he hummed as he circled her. “You know, you do look awfully familiar.”

Rose’s hand jumped to her neck…her key! She had left it on the console…_stupid, stupid, stupid little ape._ “I’m no one, just another soldier.”

His feral smile made her shudder with revulsion as he came to a halt by her side, too close for comfort. “Just another soldier? With a telepathic presence like that? No.” He leaned down and whispered in her ear, “You might want to think about controlling your emotions, dear. You’re projecting everything.”

She sucked in an anxious breath and tried to clear her mind.

The Master laughed outright and resumed his path around her. “Now, now, where have I seen you before? Ah yes, you know I think it was in a memory...not mine of course.” 

She ground her teeth resisting the urge to give in to his taunts about torturing her Doctor. She wanted to scream at him. She wanted to tear that stupid grin off his face with her bare hands.  
“You have very distinctive eyes; did you know that? The Doctor knows every shade of color in them. He could draw an exact replica. You wouldn’t know the difference. And that mouth, oh the fantasies he harbors about that mouth…its unseemly.” 

She was shaking with barely suppressed fury as he came to a stop in front of her, grinning like a mad man. 

“Hello, Rose Tyler.”


	13. Just Beyond My Line of Sight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the big one people. The Master unleashes his wrath against Rose. Rose surprises everyone and Martha's hard work is rewarded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy hand-grenades, Batman! I'm so sorry that this has taken me so long. The holiday season has been a complete s*** show. But at last, here is chapter twelve. I had it written but, upon a reread, I realized that I needed a lot more explanation. It is done now though and, as a bonus, I should have chapter thirteen up this weekend so be on the lookout. Anywho, let me know what you think. Luv you guys!
> 
> _“You have very distinctive eyes; did you know that? The Doctor knows every shade of color in them. He could draw an exact replica. You wouldn’t know the difference. And that mouth, oh the fantasies he harbors about that mouth…its unseemly.” _
> 
> _She was shaking with barely suppressed fury as the Master came to a stop in front of her, grinning like a mad man._
> 
> _“Hello, Rose Tyler.”_

“Where on Earth have you been hiding,” the Master purred, intent on running a finger down Rose’s cheek but she lurched away from contact. Growling, his hand jerked out grasping her jaw in a punishing grip as he turned her to face him. “Look at your Master when he speaks to you.”

Her lip lifted in disgust, even as a shiver of fear rolled down her spine. “You _are_ not my master.”

His backhand came quick and hard across her cheek, the crack echoing through the storage closet. White light burst across her vision and hot fire followed in its wake. He released her jaw and fisted a hand into her hair, wrenching her head back until her scalp ached but Rose refused to give him the satisfaction of seeing her pain. She swallowed her cries and glared into his crazed eyes.

His gaze roamed over her defiant face, livid and a touch curious. She wondered which would win out. “What does he see in you,” he snarled. “What makes you so special?”

Rose didn’t need to ask who ‘he’ was and she didn’t have answer for him. What answer could she give that wouldn’t make him furious? What answer could she give that wasn’t at least partly based off deduction and blind hope? 

The Time Lord studied her, tightening his fingers in her hair. “You don’t even know, do you? You have no idea why you’re important him. You just want him to _love you_,” he continued with a mocking whinge. “Your emotions are so transparent. As if Time Lords had any use for such a petty trite and flighty thing like love. Do you even realize how far he would have to turn his back on his own people to give you what you want?! What a fucking disappointment he would have to become?! As if he isn’t one already.”

She glared at him and gulped, refusing to rise to his bait. “The Doctor will stop you.”

He laughed, so close that his moist breath ghosted over her face. “Have you seen the Doctor, Ms. Tyler? The _Doctor_ is already defeated. He can barely stand on his own two feet,” he hissed. “This isn’t a fight anymore. This is my victory lap and how serendipitous that the key to my enemy’s complete destruction would just fall into my lap. It is going to be so satisfying when I show him your still beating heart.”

“Rose,” Jack shouted from behind, lurching toward her.

“Shoot him,” the Master ordered without looking away from her eyes. 

“NO!” The sound of gunfire split the air and the Captain collapsed to the ground by her feet, blood spilling from his lips around his heavy gasps. “BASTARD!” 

She threw a blind kick and managed to connect with the Master’s groin. He grunted and released his grip in her hair as chaos erupted. Rose was given a single moment of triumph before the floating spheres were thrown into frenzy. They descended on her, slicing everything in their wake with glee. After several minutes of trying to fight them off, she fell down in agony, blood dripping from a hundred gashes all over her body. She looked across the floor to a half-conscious Jack who shared her look of panic in his pained blue eyes.

“Sorry Rosie,” he ground out. “The Doctor’s really gonna hate me for this one.”

“S’not your fault.” 

“How sweet.” The Master, having regained his composure, stood over her with a mocking sneer.

“Fuck off,” she spat with as much vitriol as she could muster. 

Any hint of sick amusement dripped off his face and his remaining cold glare made her heart twist. She had pushed him too far. He telegraphed nothing before his foot connected with her ribs. He kicked her once, twice, three times and then she lost count because her chest felt like it was imploding, crushing all of the organs inside. Her lungs burned and her poor all-too-human heart shuddered, struggling to maintain its beat. He didn’t stop until she was choking on her own blood. Panic made her body convulse; she couldn’t breathe…_she couldn’t breathe._ The world started to go black, spiders weaving webs over her vision. At last, she coughed, spitting up blood and mucus, before she drew in a cool reedy breath. 

Rose lay in a pained heap on the floor, blinking through the agony to see Jack crawling toward her. He was shouting but she couldn’t hear passed the ringing in her ears. The Master barked orders to the soldiers and stormed from the room, the spheres following after him like obedient attack dogs. Several pairs of hands grabbed at her, searching her clothes for something. But when they encountered her never ending pockets, they set about stripping her of the garments, leaving her in just her black vest top and knickers. 

The soldiers hauled her and a struggling Jack to their feet. They could do little more than stumble along as their captors dragged them through a maze of corridors until they stopped outside the doors to the flight deck. Rose lifted her head to meet the surprised frightened gaze of a statuesque woman with dark eyes and chocolate skin. 

“Martha,” she whispered.

The woman’s eyes darted from her to the discontented scowl of the Captain behind her. “Jack! What’s going on? Who is this?”

“Rose Tyler,” she interjected, her head lolling to the side with a bloody grin. “Nice to meet you.”

Martha’s eyes went wide as saucers and she looked back to Jack. “Rose? As in the Doctor’s Rose?”

“Yes,” he replied with a groan.

Her eyes flicked over Rose again, taking stock of her injuries and the blood on her lips. “Oh, god. He’s gonna go absolutely mental.”

The doors opened and all of them were pushed inside.

\--------------------------------------------

The Doctor paced his cage, continuing round and round in an endless circle. It calmed his nerves. The frantic activity in the room was making him jittery. It was cleared, the large black table pushed aside to make a grand space for the Master to self-aggrandize about his conquest. He trotted through the door ten minutes ago, tossing a smug grin in his direction. He stood now at the top of a raised platform, glancing at the control panels and peppering knowing glances towards the Doctor every few seconds. It pricked at his instincts…something was different.  
This dreadful year was drawing to a close and by its end, all would be as it once was. It would be easy to start celebrating but he knew better than most that even the best laid plans could come undone. At this point, there were too many variables to start practicing his victory speech. Don’t mistake, he had one and it was good, righteous and stirring…some may say inspiring. But unease dogged him too much to start patting himself on the back, and he still couldn’t get the biggest variable out of his head. _Rose._

He glanced to the top of the platform where Lucy leaned against the railing in her red dress, vacant stare trained to a spot only she could see. He sighed, the comparison to Rose still stung. Did she see herself this way? He doubted it. She was too strong, too stubborn to become Lucy. However, the twinge of guilt that he felt toward her was telling. If everything went to plan, he could be back with her by tonight and what would he say? There was such a large pink elephant of unsaid words between them now. Face to face…alone, except for each other, with her wide honey eyes, soft pink lips, and smile that he’d been dying slowly inside for missing… how could he control his impulses? Already his hearts quickened and a tingle on anticipation crept across his skin.

The Master’s jaunty steps drew him from his distraction and, not for the first time, he chastised himself for giving into the temptation of fantasy. He took the side stairs, two at a time, to the Doctor’s cage. He was happy and satisfied…_too satisfied._

“Ready?” The twinkle in the Master’s brown eyes made dread settle heavy on his shoulders.

“Ready for what?”

“The reunion of course.”

“Reunion?”

“Bring them in,” he directed his guards. 

_Them?_ Fear and anxiety gripped the Doctor’s hearts in a tight fist as his friends were led onto the flight deck. Jack was first to march in, a guard’s gun planted squarely between his shoulders. He was disheveled, blood staining his clothes in dark patches and eyes downcast as if he was…ashamed? Why? 

Martha was next to walk through the door with wide scared eyes, though she seemed unharmed, for which the Doctor was grateful. She sought him out and when their eyes finally met, hers were filled with worry. She glanced behind her to another pair of soldiers who dragged a small limp body between them. His stomach turned. 

_Fuck._ “ROSE!” He stumbled to the side of his cage and gripped the bars with white knuckles. 

Her head shot up and his relief at seeing her alive was short lived when she smiled at him with blood stained teeth. “Doctor.”

She was placed on her feet and abandoned beside Martha in front of the stairs. Without the soldiers’ support, she swayed and almost fell before the other woman steadied her with a gentle touch. He cringed, hearts breaking as he assessed her many injuries. Please…please not this…not Rose. 

She looked like she had been put through a shredder. Her clothes were gone except for a sodden black vest top and knickers. Blood flowed in rivulets from numerous slashes on her exposed limbs. It trickled from her mouth as she drew in each ragged breath and her bare feet tracked two distinct bright red trails from the doorway to where she now stood. 

The Master danced down the steps, gleeful when he approached and Rose flinched, crashing to her knees before him, no longer able to support her weight. Martha gasped and took a step forward but his voice froze her in place. 

“Don’t!” He turned sparkling smug eyes on the other Time Lord. “What do you think of my new toys, Doctor? What luck! All your companions are here to see the end of their world and the beginning of New Gallifrey. But introductions first…of course you know Martha and Captain Harkness but how about _this face_,” he reached out grabbing Rose by the throat. Her hand shot up to claw at his wrist with weak fingers. “You dream about this face, Doctor. It fills your mind.”

“Don’t touch her,” he barked, fury making his voice steady and dangerous despite his diminished stature. 

“Oh, you must be joking Doctor,” he chuckled, lifting the struggling woman off her feet where she fought against his hold to take a single breath. “This can’t be her, the famous Dame Rose Tyler, the Valiant Child, the Bad Wolf? From your memories I expected better. I expected something grand but she’s depressingly average. In any case, she’s mine now to do with as I please. What first?”

“Stop this,” the Doctor begged, terrified when Rose’s eyelids drooped and slowly opened again. “Please.”

“She is a rather comely when she’s not covered in blood,” he observed. “Maybe I’ll make her mine in a way that you never had the courage to, Doctor.”

“STOP! ROSE!”

“How does that sound Miss Tyler,” he asked, easing her closer. “How would you like to share a Time Lord’s bed?”

Rose glared and, to the surprise of everyone, spit blood right into his face, defiant to her last breath. Time stood still as the Master wiped it away and gave her a withering stare. Without any warning he tightened his grip until her neck snapped with an audible crack. Her body went limp and he tossed her to the floor where she sprawled in a lifeless heap.

“ROSE!” the Doctor, Jack, and Martha screamed in simultaneous shock. 

“Ugh.” Wiping his hands on his trousers the Master bounded back up the steps. “That was unsatisfactory. I had hoped to draw that out for some time but the show must go on, as they say.”

The Doctor’s vision narrowed on Rose’s prone form, unable to hear Martha’s quiet sobs or Jack’s livid cursing passed the blood rushing so loud in his ears. She was faking it, playing opossum. She had to be. Hearts in his throat, he willed her to move, to give him one small sign of life but she never did. Her body had that eerie stillness that accompanied death. It was a quiet that felt deafening because she should have been filled with vibrant enthusiasm. She should have been laughing in the face of this danger as she always did or tossing him a cheeky wink that said, they had been in tougher scrapes than this before. She should be...but she was gone.

No, no. She couldn’t…she couldn’t be dead. He couldn’t handle it. He would break. After all, he allowed himself to dream again, allowed himself to gather secret little hopes in his hearts, hopes that, maybe this time, things between them might be different. He hoped for more...and he should have known better. He was fool. The Master stepped into his line of sight, blocking his view of her still body. The Doctor’s eyes snapped up, furious tears pouring down his withered cheeks. 

“Aww,” he cooed with a mock pout. “What’s wrong Doctor? Why do you look so distraught?”

“Stop it,” he whispered through gritted teeth. 

“Do you know, it really is tragic. You should have seen her face when I asked what made her so important to you.” He paused, a self-satisfied smile on his face. “She was clueless. She had no idea.”

The Doctor ground his jaw. “That’s not true. She knew…she...”

“Ah, but she didn’t. I saw it her eyes. So, what did you do Doctor, in your misguided attempt to remain righteous? Did you deny her? Did you push her away? Is it possible that she died never knowing that you loved her? After all, it was all she ever wanted.”

“SHUT UP! I swear, Koschei, when I get out of here I will…”

“You’ll what,” the Time Lord mocked. “Kill me?”

The Doctor sucked in deep breaths, fighting to remain calm. The truth? Maybe…after this he just might. He had watched his once best friend snap Rose’s neck like a twig, watched her body go limp, watched the life fade from her amber eyes. It was burned into his mind where he could relive every agonizing second in vivid detail whenever he closed his eyes. He was feeling a little reckless right now...a little homicidal, if he were honest. What did the universe need with two Time Lords anyway? It seemed all they did was sow chaos and destroy beautiful things. _His beautiful Rose._

The Master laughed, reading his intentions in his eyes. “Is that really all it took to bring you down to my level, old friend? Killing one weak, pathetic…”

The room went silent as a soft snuffling sound resounded from Rose’s body. She was glowing, light emanating from her skin so bright that it hurt his eyes. The Master strode closer, curious as he watched her lift up onto her arms. The snuffling sound met the Doctor’s ears again and he stopped breathing. Her shoulders shook with what he thought were sobs but, when she lumbered to her knees and threw her head back, he was shocked to realize that she was laughing… hard. Full belly guffaws wracked her small frame. She stood and examined her healed body, rolling her neck before she turned golden eyes on them. 

She wiggled her fingers with a grin. “Handy little trick.”

A terrified shiver rolled down the Doctor’s spine that stood his hair on end. He shook his head and blinked, hoping that it might change what he was witnessing but that golden glow was still shining under Rose’s skin. _No! No, this wasn’t possible!_ He had taken it from her. He had died to take it from her. _Oh Rose, what have you done?_

“What in the name of Rassilon?” The Master took a stumbling step backwards brandishing his laser screwdriver like a shield. “Stay back. I’m warning you.”

“Warning me?” She giggled, biting her lip, and then her shimmering eyes narrowed. “Do you think I’m afraid of you? Do you have any idea the kind of memories locked away inside this head? It’s a goddamn horror show in here and you, you pathetic whingeing excuse of Time Lord, think you’re scary?” She laughed and the dual layered quality of her voice made him feel sick. “Humans are far better at destroying each other than you could ever hope to be, Koschei.” 

A beam shot out of the Master’s screwdriver toward her but she just lifted her hand and absorbed it into her palm. She looked at her own limb in wonder and lifted her eyes back to them. “That tickles.”

The entire room held its breath when she took another step and her feet never seemed to touch the ground. The Master lifted his weapon in a shaking hand. 

“Don’t,” the Doctor warned from inside his cage. 

With a wave of Rose’s hand, the tool disintegrated into golden atoms, drawing a terrified yelp from the startled Time Lord.

“Doctor,” Martha whispered in cautious wonder. “Is that really, Rose? What _is_ she?”

“That’s not Rose,” he replied.

Golden eyes pinned him in place, hurt swimming in their depths. “Doctor? Don’t you remember me? Don’t you know me?”

“You are not, Rose-“

“I AM ROSE TYLER,” she shouted back at him, gilded tears falling from her eyes. “I am the Bad Wolf! I created myself to save you. I did this all for you.” She took a deep shuddering breath. “This is who I am, Doctor.” 

His brow furrowed, stunned into silence by her words and emotions. The state she was in, her feelings plowed into his awareness with the subtly of a freight train. She had no control and that scared him. The Doctor huffed under his breath. This was a complication that he didn’t need right now. The future of the universe hung in the balance and here he was worrying over the fact that Rose felt...rejected. He rubbed at his temples with one hand, sighing. 

“Doctor…” Martha’s tense voice broke past his frustration. 

He glanced up, unsurprised to see her gaze locked on the rapidly descending countdown clock. Tension made his shoulders bunch. “I know, Martha...I just.” He growled. “Rose, I’m sorry. I understand what you’re saying but you have to let it go.”

“NO, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”

“You’re right,” he snapped. “I don’t, not yet, but maybe, just maybe, there is a better time to deal with this then when the whole of reality is at stake. Don’t be selfish, Rose. For once in your life can you just listen to me and LET IT GO!” 

Her eyes blazed with fury and he braced for her wrath, ready to be disintegrated into atoms but she never raised a hand. He saw the pinch in her brow, the tears in her eyes and felt the bright flare of her pain blast into his mind. She was hurting herself, holding this kind of power was hurting her. All his irritation and false bravado slipped away revealing the true reason why needed her to listen. Because it wasn’t about the universe, or the Master, or the stupid countdown clock, or the paradox. He just needed her to survive, to live. 

Shoulders slumping, the Doctor’s voice cracked as he whispered, “Please Rose, don’t make me watch you die twice in one day.”

Rose’s eyes widened, tears of gold falling to her cheeks. 

“Please,” he begged. “Please don’t make me lose you, not again. I don’t think I could bear it.”

She sucked in a sharp breath and looked down at her glowing fingers. Her gaze lifted touching on all the frightened faces in the room before landing on Martha’s. She stared long enough to make the other woman twitch before she at last nodded and closed her eyes. 

The Doctor breathed a sigh of relief as the glow dissipated from her skin. When it was gone her eyelids fluttered open. The whiskey brown eyes that he so loved locked with his before she crashed to her knees. Her head fell forward and her dark blonde hair curtained her features. But he didn’t need to see her face to know that soft sounds issuing from her now were quiet sobs. His hearts broke, he itched to go to her. She looked so small and fragile, half naked and curled on the dirty floor unable to even support her weight. He needed so badly to protect her, to give her shelter in his arms but he was in a poor position to offer that now. 

To his great relief (and consternation) Jack was at her side in a second. He used the distraction in incapacitate his guard and made a beeline for Rose. He scooped her weak body into his arms where she clung to him. She cried softly against his shirt as if she were trying in vain to suppress the sound. For long moments, her sobs were the only sound that filled the eerily silent room. It was tearing him apart. 

“I underestimated her Doctor,” the Master breathed in awe, at last breaking the tense silence. “She’s magnificent…an abomination, to be sure, but a fascinating one. What do you think she’s capable of?”

He didn’t like that glint of curiosity in his eyes. “You will stay away from her.”

“How are you going to stop me?” The other Time Lord smirked and took a step closer to the pair. 

Jack’s eyes narrowed and his grip tightened on her. His obstinate glare was daring, promising all manner of pain should anyone touch the woman in his arms. Tension was thick in the air, threatening an all-out battle. 

“Doctor, it’s almost time,” Martha warned again, startling everyone. Even Rose’s soft sniffles came to an abrupt end. Every face turned to her including the Master’s.

“Time for what?”

He seemed genuinely curious as Martha’s watery glare narrowed on him; her teeth almost bared in a snarl. “Your arrogance is astounding. Aren’t you even curious what I’ve been doing this whole year?”

“I know what you were doing. You were searching for a weapon…a weapon that could kill a Time Lord.” He rolled his eyes. “But I destroyed it.”

“Are you thick,” Martha exclaimed with a laugh. “A gun? A gun in four parts scattered all across the world? I can’t believe you bought that.”

“What do you mean?” 

“As if I would ask her to kill,” the Doctor answered with a smile. 

He felt a burst of energy. Anticipation was making him antsy. He tried very hard to put Rose from his mind. He needed to focus. He didn’t need the distraction. Jack had her and she seemed to be calming now. She was examining Martha with red eyes and a faint smile was pulling at her puffy lips, even though her cheeks were pink with embarrassment. She was okay. She was fine. For now, he could trust Jack to keep her safe. His whole focus needed to be on the Master. Afterwards...well that was a different story. 

“What are you babbling on about?” The Master folded his arms, a smug grin on his face.

“I knew what professor Docherty would do. The resistance knows about her son. I told her about the gun so she would get me here at the right time,” Martha explained.

“Right time?”

“Yes, because there was no weapon, no gun, just words. All I did for the past year was tell a story. I did just what the Doctor said. I went across the continents, all on my own, and everywhere I went I found the people and told them my story. I told them about the Doctor, about how important he is to this world...how important he is to me.” She fidgeted, cheeks darkening with a blush as she glanced toward Rose. 

She smiled and gave Martha an encouraging nod.

“And I told them to pass it on, to spread the word so that everyone would know about the Doctor.”

“Faith and hope,” the Master scoffed. “Is that all?”

Martha’s eyes snapped up to him again. “No, because I gave them an instruction just as the Doctor said. I told them that if everyone could think of one word at one specific time.”

“Nothing will happen,” he interrupted with a growl. “Is that your weapon? Prayer?”

“Right across the world, just one thought at one moment...but with fifteen satellites.”

The Master’s eyes went wide. “What?”

“The Archangel Network,” Jack whispered in realization. 

Martha smiled. “A telepathic field binding the whole human race together, with all of them, every single person on Earth, thinking the same thing at the same time and that word...is Doctor.”

\-------------------------------------------

Rose had seen the Doctor do some incredible things. On several occasions he left her speechless with awe but, as she watched a silvery blue light encircle him and his cage bars disappear, she realized....he’d been holding out on her. 

The Master’s face drained of color. He slowly backed away from the cage and up the stairs. “Stop it! No, no, no, don’t!”

Rose struggled against Jack’s hold until he reluctantly placed her back on her feet, but she leaned against him heavily, her body and mind still too drained to be self-sufficient. She was embarrassed by her vulnerability and emotional…overreaction? Is that what it was? The Master had beaten her, damn-near killed her and then the Doctor had looked at her like _she_ was the monster. Who could blame her for feeling wounded and betrayed? But his plea to let go had touched her. It raw and honest. His unflappable façade was stripped away and she believed him when he said that he couldn’t bear it. It gave her hope that maybe he needed her just as desperately as she needed him. The wind picked up and Rose’s knees crumpled. She collapsed into Jack and together, they watched on in breathless wonder as the Doctor’s face became younger by the second.

“No, stop it,” the Master demanded again.

The screens in the Valiant showed millions of people around the world shouting the Doctor’s name. Before long everyone in the room, including Lucy Saxon, was chanting it like a prayer. 

The Doctor stood to his full height; gaze trained on the Master’s frightened face. “I’ve had a whole year to tap into the psychic network and integrate with its matrices.” 

“I order you to stop!”

But the chant grew louder, drowning out all other sound. The blue light around the Doctor swirled like a furious cyclone. 

Rose Tyler smiled wide. “My Doctor.”

He glanced at her with a soft smile, his face slowly returning to the one she knew so well. He turned back to the Master. “The one thing you can’t do...stop them thinking.” The cyclone lifted him off his feet and into the air. “Tell me the human race is degenerate now...when they can do this.”

“No no no,” the Master cried like a petulant child. “You can’t do this. It’s not fair!” 

In the midst of the chaos, Martha glanced back, looking for safe place hunker down, and Rose reached out a hand to her. She was hesitant but at last ran toward them, eager to stay out of the Time Lords’ way. Rose wrapped an arm around her shoulders with a grin. 

“It looks like you did it, Martha,” she hollered over the sound of whipping wind. 

She looked up in confusion. “What?”

“You saved the world.”

She flushed with a shy grin. 

“Yeah she did,” Jack whooped, squeezing them in a tight hug.

The Master was still shouting denials backing further away from the Doctor and his swirling blue cloud but there was no escape now. 

The Doctor followed him down the steps of the platform. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry but you wouldn’t listen.”

“No!”

“And you know what I’m going to say.”

“No! No,” he shouted huddling into the wall at his back.

The Doctor’s feet touched the ground as the blue light dissipated and he took several quick steps forward, kneeling down to gather the Master in his arms. “I forgive you,” he choked out as if the very words pained him.

Rose’s brows lifted in surprise. Of all the things she expected him to say, that wasn’t it. For a man of no second chances, forgiveness was tough concept. It was a testament to how much the Doctor still cared for his old friend. 

The Master shuddered in his arms and tried to break away hissing, “My children.”

An alarm blared through the ship and the Doctor jumped up. “Captain!” Jack jerked to attention. “The paradox machine!”

He nodded and stepped back from Martha and Rose, placing a steadying hand on her shoulder when she swayed. “Sure you’re okay, Rosie?”

“Yeah m’fine. Just go. Destroy that thing.”

He hesitated but Martha wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “I’ve got her. Go.”

Rose almost growled, frustrated by her weakness. She didn’t want to be a burden. She didn’t want anyone to ‘get’ her. But she was under no illusions. Her body was sapped of any energy and she hadn’t felt this bad since she first woke in the TARDIS all those months ago. She needed the help. 

Jack gave a curt jerk of his chin and placed a quick kiss to her forehead. “Don’t worry. We’ll get you home soon.” He called some of the soldiers to his side and set off running in the direction of the TARDIS.

For the first time today, Rose allowed herself to relax, to feel that first little swell of relief and triumph. Then she heard the Doctor shout and, in the blink of an eye, he and Master disappeared. She stiffened, heart leaping into her throat. Where the hell?

Martha cursed from beside her and flew into action. “He still had the teleport!” 

The rest of the flight deck broke into chaos as she ran to the controls. Rose hobbled after her as fast as her wobbly limbs would carry her. She had never felt this tired before. Her body felt heavy, like she was moving through quicksand. Her mind was fogging and she had to remind herself that, despite the incredible things that happened in the last several moments, this was not a dream. This was real life with real danger and she needed to fucking focus. 

She joined Martha at the control panel, shaking the mist out of her head. “What’s wrong?”

“We have all six billion spheres heading right for us!”

“Okay, so what are our options? What do we do?”

Their eyes locked in shared panic, both understanding the truth. If Jack didn’t destroy the paradox machine, they were all done for. They looked out the window, the multitude of gathered spheres began to block out the light like an approaching storm cloud. Rose grabbed onto Martha’s hand and braced but suddenly, they disappeared like an apparition. Without warning, a great wind swept through the Valiant and the ship was tossed and turned like a boat in a hurricane. 

“That must be Jack!” Rose shouted over the commotion. “He destroyed the paradox machine.”

The floor shifted and pitched tossing them in every direction. Martha raced down the stairs into the waiting arms of her family, huddling them into a corner. Sympathy bloomed in Rose’s heart watching them cling to each other. At least they had each other again. She knew better than most the dangers of traveling with the Doctor, especially when your family was dragged into the mess…but Rose didn’t have any family now. All she had was Jack… and the Doctor if she could ever find him again.


	14. Out Where the Sun is Always Shining, On the Other Side of the Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor and Rose finally get a small minute to themselves that is quickly interrupted by an impatient Mother. There is an argument regarding the Master's fate but he decides to take his future into his own hands. Rose does her best to help at the Doctor's insistence but she doesn't have the strength to save even herself. Due to his inconsideration, the Doctor may lose not just his friend but Rose as well and he's just not sure what to do if that happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I hope you enjoy this. I worked in around a bit. Wishing you all a good holiday season!
> 
> _The floor shifted and pitched tossing them in every direction. Martha raced down the stairs into the waiting arms of her family, huddling them into a corner. Sympathy bloomed in Rose’s heart watching them cling to each other. At least they had each other again. She knew better than most the dangers of traveling with the Doctor, especially when your family was dragged into the mess…but Rose didn’t have any family now. All she had was Jack… and the Doctor if she could ever find him again. _

As the wind inside the ship grew stronger, Rose’s worry for her Time Lord sent her thoughts tumbling down dark paths until the Doctor and Master reappeared in a flash of light. She sagged, so relieved that she lost concentration on steading her legs and flew forward into the railing. She flipped over it and fell to the floor bruising her hip. Her pained cry drew the Doctor to her side in a second. He huddled her into the corner, doing his best to ground her in place. His hands settled on her waist and she tried to resist the undeniable urge to curl into him. 

“What’s happening,” she hollered over the whipping wind, grasping for a distraction.

“The paradox is broken, time is reversing. Are you alright,” he asked cupping her face in his hands.

As their skin made contact, they each sucked in a sharp breath. In the midst of the chaos, their worlds narrowed to just each other as the TARDIS pulled back from their connection. They no longer needed her as a bridge when the delicate tendrils of their bond twined back into place. Rose moaned at the warm tingle ghosting through her mind and fisted her hands in his jacket, drawing him closer. 

The Doctor’s mouth fell open in shock, shuddering breaths escaping his lips. “Wha-how?” 

She whimpered. It was a needy and pathetic sound but she was beyond caring. Her whole body was trembling, her mind awash in everything that he was. Rose felt like she was being broken down and rebuilt into a new shape. This was a different feeling than before when the TARDIS was ‘assisting’ them. Compared to their connection now, the one before seemed woefully inadequate. They were sinking into one another, filling those empty spots in each of their minds that was meant for the other, soothing an ever-present ache that dogged them since their separation. 

He whispered her name like prayer as his hands slid to the back of her head, tangling in her hair. “Rose,” he groaned running his nose along hers in a soft caress. “What have you done?” 

“Theta.”

He was as overwhelmed by this moment as she was. They were both lost to the storm of affection, relief, desire, and lingering grief buffeting them. The Doctor captured her lips in a searing kiss that made her knees wobble. He kissed her like he’d been waiting lifetimes for this. He was insistent, laying claim to her mouth and demanding that she respond in kind…as if she would do anything else. They were so caught up in each other that they didn’t even notice the wind and howling die down until Martha cleared her throat a few steps from their nestled spot against the stairs. 

The Doctor startled out of his trance and scrambled back from her as if scalded by her skin. Rose felt a twinge if pain between her eyes and reached out for him on instinct but pulled her arms back at his look of dismay. Her limbs were shaking, heavy breaths leaving her lungs in great gasps. When it became clear that he wouldn’t come to her, she wrapped her arms around her middle, trying to hold her halves together when his inevitable rejection rent her in two. Martha looked between them, confusion evident in the furrow of her brow. 

“Doctor,” she prompted. 

He fumbled to his feet and ran a shaking hand through his hair, still unable tear his gaze from Rose. His eyes were wild, filled with alarm and touch of heat. He swallowed hard, running a hand over his red lips. For a moment, it looked as though he would walk back to her, pull her back into his arms and plunder her mouth until she was gasping for breath. Rose shivered under his gaze. 

“Doctor?” 

Martha’s insistent query jolted him to attention. He turned to her and Rose’s heart dropped. She’d been dismissed… after the most profound moment in her entire life. He was just going to walk away from her, turn his back and pretend it never happened, like he always did. She stifled a pained sob. 

“What happened, Doctor,” Martha asked, looking around the destroyed room. 

“Time has reversed,” he murmured, sounding distracted. 

“How-“

“I’m sorry, Martha. I need a minute.” 

She glanced from him to the woman in the corner with a look of pity. “Of course, Doctor.” 

Rose looked away, wiping furiously at the tears she could feel on her cheeks. They were hot, flushed with shame and lingering desire. She willed her still trembling legs to help her stand but she was too weak, too fragile. It was embarrassing and she wished that the ground at her feet would open up and swallow her whole. 

“Rose.” She turned back at the sound of his voice, surprised to see his wiggling fingers in front of her face. She dared a glance into his eyes, afraid to see the wild anxiety that had been there only a few seconds earlier, but they were only filled with warm affection. “Come on.”

She slipped her hand into his and he pulled her to her feet, sliding an arm around her waist when she stumbled into him. But what started out as a kind gesture developed into something different all together. Theta crushed her to his chest in a tight hug, burying his face in the crook of her neck. Rose’s lungs deflated as she wrapped her arms around him, laying her ear against the beat of his hearts. For the first time in a long time, the tight knot in her chest loosened. She felt like she could breathe again. She felt safe. 

The Doctor filled his lungs and released it on a shaky chuckle. “Never thought I’d get to do this again.” His voice was tight, clogged with emotions that matched hers

“Neither did I.” She was losing the fight against her tears and they fell onto her cheeks in fat droplets as she nuzzled into him. 

He pulled back just enough to take her face in his hands. “Hello, Rose Tyler.” 

“Hello,” she choked out. 

Hey now,” he crooned, wiping at her wet cheeks with his thumbs. “No more of that, okay?”

She nodded with a trembling smile. “I’ll try,” she said even as a few more tumbled down her cheeks. 

He placed a soft kiss to her forehead and pulled her tight to him again, resting his chin on the top of her head. Rose let her eyes slip closed, allowing herself to bask in his affection. 

“Excuse me,” a soft voice interrupted. 

“Mum,” Martha chastised. 

“No, Martha,” her voice replied.

“Mum,” Tish insisted. “She almost died. Give them a minute.”

“No! We just went through a year of hell and I think we are owed an explanation,” the woman snapped. 

Rose’s lashes fluttered open and she caught a glimpse of the many pairs of eyes trained on them. She flushed, keenly aware that she was half dressed, and huddled into him.  
“What’s wrong,” the Doctor asked looking over his shoulder and released her when he saw their audience. “Oh...right.” 

Sensing her discomfort, he unbuttoned his suit jacket and draped it around her shoulders. She thanked him with a smile and stuck her arms through the sleeves before buttoning it. It only fell to her mid-thigh but she felt better than before. 

The Doctor cleared his throat, scratching at the back of his neck. “I’m just...I need to...” He gestured vaguely toward the crowd of people. 

“Of course.” Rose ducked her head, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “Go, do your thing.”

His face broke into a goofy grin that she matched. He grabbed her hand twining their fingers together pulling her toward him again. 

“Oh, for heaven’s sake!” Francine Jones glared at them. 

He whipped round to face her, wincing at the sharpness of her voice, and cleared his throat. “Right. Sorry.” 

Rose snickered at his side. “Still a hit with the mother’s I see.”

He shot her a rueful grimace. “Not helping.”

“Did she slap you too,” she asked with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. She glanced at Martha giggling behind her hand and then to the Doctor’s cheeks blushing bright pink. “Oh my god, she did!” The two women burst into full belly laughs much to his consternation. 

“I’ve never seen him look so wounded,” Martha gasped through a fit of giggles.

“I have,” Rose replied. “My mum made a habit of it.”

“EXCUSE ME!” Ms. Jones interrupted, fuming and three pairs of eyes snapped to her, wide as saucers. “What is wrong with you?! You three are absolutely mental. Everything that’s happened and you stand here cracking jokes like it’s just another Tuesday. You two can’t keep your hands of each other like a couple of teenagers. Has it occurred to you that people have died?”

The Doctor and Rose lurched apart, cheeks flaming with embarrassment. Martha suddenly found the toes of her boots very interesting. 

“Now,” the Jones matriarch continued. “If you could please, Doctor, tell us what just happened here.”

He gave sheepish nod and leapt into motion, hurrying up the stairs to the Valiant’s controls. “Time has reversed. We’ve reverted back one year and one day exactly.” He flipped a switch and alarmed voices began shouting through a speaker.. “See, just after the President was murdered. None of it happened. The rockets, the spheres, the deaths…all of it gone.”

“But I remember it,” Martha’s mother said as the rest of the passengers aboard the Valiant murmured their agreement.

“We’re at the eye of the storm, the only ones who will ever know,” the Doctor explained, his gaze drifting back to Rose as if drawn by a magnet.

She clutched at the stair railing, resisting the urge to rush to his side. She wasn’t about to be reprimanded by Martha’s mum again. She might just melt into a puddle of shame.

“So, none of it happened,” the disoriented and exhausted woman asked again. 

“Nope,” the Doctor assured them, his distraction making him more abrupt than he would normally be. “Excuse me.” 

He hopped down the stairs, grabbing Rose’s hand along the way and rushed to cut off the Master who was in the middle of a hasty exit. Just before he reached the door, it opened, and a very perturbed Jack grabbed him by the collar. “Whoa big fella! You don’t wanna miss the party.” He turned the Master back to the crowd on the Valiant and demanded cuffs from the closest guard, which were readily produced. “So, what are we gonna do with this one,” Jack growled. 

“We kill him.” Martha’s father stepped forward to the rousing agreement of the crowd. 

“No, that’s not the solution,” the Doctor insisted, dropping her hand to plead with the gathered humans. 

The inevitable argument broke out over the Master’s fate. Everyone was talking at once, voices raised in cutting slices and sharp barbs. Rose understood their anger, she understood their need for retribution but... She looked to Theta’s ashen face. He was tense, afraid, and she couldn’t help remembering his heartbreaking words from their discussion from over a month ago. _ I don’t want to be the last Time Lord anymore. I don’t want to be the killer of my kind again._

Righteous anger bubbled up inside of her. When she finally had enough, she brought her fingers to her mouth and released a shrill whistle. “FINGERS ON LIPS, ALL OF YOU!”

Shocked, the crowd fell suddenly silent. Rose looked to the Doctor’s face catching the relief and amusement in his eyes as he held a finger over his mouth. Jack chuckled from beside her, sporting the same pose in a show of support. 

“Well then,” she huffed in exasperation. “That’s better. We can all listen for a change. Now, I don’t think any one of us would dare suggest, for a single second, that the Doctor kill the only other surviving member of his species. That is not what I am hearing here, right? Because that would be _wrong_, yes? Forcing the Doctor to kill one, of the last of two, remaining Time Lords in existence...that would be unthinkably cruel. So of course, no one here is suggesting that.”

A soft agreement of ashamed murmurs lifted up from the crowd and many people had trouble meeting Rose’s eyes. 

“Good,” she spat. “That’s what I thought. Now, Doctor, what do you propose that we do?” He had a soft smile on his face, his finger still holding his mouth closed. He lifted a brow in question and she rolled her eyes. “Yes, you can remove your finger now.”

“Thank you, Rose. Now, I understand that this may not seem fair to some of you but I agree to take full responsibility for him.”

“So you’re just gonna keep me,” the Master groaned in distaste. 

“On the TARDIS,” Martha asked.

“Yes.”

Rose’s shoulders sagged and if Jack hadn’t been behind her, she would have fallen to the floor. She’d been dreading hearing those words but had predicted them long ago. She already knew what would happen to her if the Master survived but facing the reality was more difficult than she cared to admit. It was the most devastating blow that she’d been dealt today...literal or otherwise. 

She rubbed at the bridge of her nose, stemming any lingering tears. The crowd was starting to irritate her. The air felt choked and thick with warm bodies. Sensing her distress, Jack guided her out of the throng with gentle motions and for once, she didn’t fight him. She was bone weary and a peculiar feeling was taking up residence behind her eyes. 

When they were clear of the group, Jack rubbed at her shoulder. “You alright, Rosie?”

“I’m fine,” she replied with a sigh and lifted her gaze to him. “Though it looks like I might need that place to stay.”

“You didn’t hear him say that,” he insisted. 

“Oh come on, Jack. There’s being optimistic and then there’s just being deluded.” She rubbed at her temples in frustration. Something was wrong. She gritted her teeth, hissing against the feeling of a million insects crawling in her skull. 

He tried to pull her hands away from her face. “What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

“No. It just feels like I have an itch in my brain.”

“Doc!”

As he turned toward them Rose’s vision was snagged by the bright red flash of Lucy Saxon’s dress. She grabbed one of the misplaced pistols off the floor and pointed it right at the Time Lords with shaking hands.

“NO,” Rose hollered and the entire focus of the room snapped to her as a shot rang out. 

She held her breath, relieved to see that it was the Master who stumbled and fell backwards, the Doctor rushing to catch him before he hit the floor. Jack ran from Rose’s side and approached Lucy, coaxing the weapon from her grip. The mob sucked in a collective breath and took a step back, giving the Doctor room, with more than a few satisfied looks on their faces.

“Always the women,” the Master groaned with a breathy chuckle.

“I didn’t see her,” he said by way of apology. 

He took a shuddering breath against the pain. “Dying in your arms. Happy now?”

“You’re not dying. Don’t be stupid. It’s only a bullet; just regenerate.”

“No.”

Rose could almost feel Theta’s hearts skip a beat. “One little bullet. Come on.”

“I guess you don’t know me so well. I refuse,” the other man replied with pride. He was going to take his last pleasure in watching the Doctor beg him to live on.

“Regenerate. Just regenerate. Please,” he pleaded, shaking him gently. 

“And spend the rest of my life imprisoned with you?”

Theta’s brow pinched as the reality of the situation sunk in. He knew that there was nothing that he could say to change his friend’s mind but it didn’t stop him from trying. “But you’ve got to. Come on,” he said his voice cracking, his hopeless words falling on deaf ears. “It can’t end like this.”

Rose winced as agony and despair crushed her. She rubbed at her aching chest wondering why the Master’s death was affecting her so profoundly. She didn’t like him. He had beaten her, almost killed her. Theta drew in a shuddering breath and her eyes widened in understanding. This wasn’t her sadness; this wasn’t her grief. It was his. His mind was so filled with pain that it was filtering over their bond. On instinct, Rose threw her mental gates wide open, accepting his suffering and trying to offer what support she could. 

“REGENERATE!” 

“Well look at that,” Koschei said with a wheezing breath. “I’m going to win, anyway.”

“Rose!”

“I’m here, Doctor.” The crowd of people parted for her and she knelt on the other side of the Master’s prone form.

Theta’s lost gaze found her, tears streaming down his face as the only link he had to his home died in his arms. She tried not to let his emotions drown her. In this one moment, even with all of the chaos of the day, she needed to be strong for him. This was breaking him and she wanted him to know that he wasn’t alone. She would be here to piece him back together when this was all over. 

“What do I do,” he asked in a scared childlike voice.

“I don’t know, love.” She felt helpless in the face of his grief and wished that she could give him …something. She wanted to offer any kind of reassurance but the Master made his choice and, at this point, she knew there was nothing anyone could do to sway him from it. 

“Can you do it,” he asked, grasping at a last hope.

“What?” 

“What,” Jack added, coming to stand behind her, ever her stalwart guardian.

“Can you heal him,” Theta pleaded. “The same way you healed yourself earlier.”

Rose was torn to pieces by that soft entreaty but in all honesty… “I don’t know. I don’t know how I did that. I don’t even know how I’m still conscious. Healing myself was a fluke, one of those subconscious fight or flight instincts. I don’t know if I can project that into another person and I might hurt him worse if I tried. Remember Jack. I’m sorry but…”

“JUST TRY,” he shouted. 

Rose jumped startled and a little hurt by his outburst. 

“Doc.” Jack’s warning was clear.

Her eyes drifted over the Doctor’s frantic features. He was losing it. If she refused, would he hold her responsible for the Master’s death? Grief made people do strange things...she had first-hand experience. Would he kick her out and leave her stranded on an Earth where she had no one? She was stuck, wasn’t she? If she succeeded and healed the Master, he would leave her behind to keep her safe from him. If she failed and he died...the Doctor might be so angry that he couldn’t even look at her. And this was all assuming that she even knew the first place to start. 

“O-okay,” she said, voice shaking as the TARDIS’ warning against drawing on the Vortex’s power echoed in her mind. 

She placed her hands on the Time Lord’s chest and closed her eyes, trying her best to draw on the same feelings that had healed her before. She chased after the flighty golden wolf behind her eyelids and her skin began to glow, a sharp burn simmering at the base of her skull.

“Your little pet won’t be able to save me,” the Master mocked. “Whatever power she may have, she can’t control it. All you will succeed in doing with this little experiment is to kill her too…” He gave another laugh that dissolved into a coughing fit.

Rose looked up to meet Theta’s eyes. All she wanted was to save the psychopath beneath her palms…for him; so that he wouldn’t be the last. But she hurt all over now and her vision started to blur. All the energy was leaving her body and black began weaving spider webs over her eyes. 

“I can’t do it,” she whimpered. “I’m sorry but I just ca…”

He gave her his best Oncoming Storm glare and shouted, “TRY HARDER!”

“Doctor,” Jack snapped. “You’re going to push her too hard. She can’t -"

“Quiet, Captain!”

“Doctor stop this madness,” the Master growled. “You’re going to kill her.”

“No.” His staunch refusal left no room for argument. “No, I’m not letting you leave.”

His face relaxed and his mouth twisted with a wry smile. “You left first.”

Tears coursed down Rose’s cheeks. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to push every ounce of her remaining energy into the Master. It started to work. His skin beneath her hands glowed for a brief second and then the light emanating from her palms flickered. 

“Doctor,” Martha interjected, worry coloring her tone. 

He ignored her and focused on the intermittent flashing beneath Rose’s palms. She tried with every fiber of her being to maintain consciousness but it was a losing battle. She swayed and groaned as the fire at the base of her skull fractured and spread across her scalp in great searing arcs. Her glow dimmed and disappeared seconds before her vision darkened again. Rose cried out, falling back against the floor of the Valiant as black enveloped her.

———————————————

A heavy sob shuddered through the Doctor’s ribs as the Master, his oldest friend, classmate, and brother in arms, released his last breath. He clutched him to his chest, shaking with grief, feeling his departure from this universe in every fiber of his being. His mind, which had once been filled with the rich chorus of his people, once again resonated with silence. He was truly alone…the last Time Lord in existence. The Face of Boe had given him one bright moment of hope, only to have it torn from him forever. He should have known better than to hope for anything. It only served to get his dreams high and then snatch everything away.

At the edge of his blurred vision he saw Jack and Martha drop to the floor. Jack gathered a vague, familiar bundle into his arms, screaming for the Doctor’s attention. It was something important, he knew, but for the life of him he couldn’t remember what it was that needed his attention and he couldn’t find the strength to care.  
“Doctor…DOCTOR,” Jack shouted, trying and failing to rouse him to action. 

Nothing could break through his absolute grief. He had allowed the weight in his hearts to lift, allowed himself to dream again but hope was a monster worse than any demon, devil, or beast found on Krop Tor. Every time he let hope invade his hearts and then was let down, a piece of the Doctor’s soul was chipped away. It happened so many times he wasn’t even sure he had a soul left. So many times. Next to losing Rose this was one of the wor….ROSE! At last breaking from his self-pitying stupor, the Doctor frantically sought her out, finding her unconscious in Jack’s arms. He laid the Master’s body on the floor with infinite gentleness and jumped to his feet. 

“What happened? How is she?” _How could he have forgotten her?!_

Rose’s head lolled over Captain Jack’s arm, her hand hanging limply from her body as Martha checked for her pulse. Her skin was so pale that you could make out the road map of blue veins underneath. Her breath was coming in shallow pants through lips that were now blue instead of the beautiful pink they should be. 

“Oh you’re finally back with the rest of us insignificant apes, Doctor? Have you deigned to notice us again? Or are you too busy mourning the death of a psychopath who killed millions to remember the people who actually saved lives,” Jack asked with biting sarcasm.

“Jack, shut up,” Martha chided. “That’s not helping anything.” She turned to the Doctor unable to meet his eyes. “We need to get her back to the TARDIS. I’m not sure what’s wrong.”

“Okay, well what are we standing here for? Give her here, I’ll take her down myself.”

Jack didn’t make a move but instead glared at him, undiluted fury behind his eyes. 

“Captain, give her to me.”

“No, Doctor,” he growled. “You had the chance to look out for her best interests and you failed…miserably. Now, I’m doing it. Get out of my way.” He stalked from the room, cradling Rose close to his chest, leaving Martha and the Doctor trailing behind him. 

For a moment, the Doctor was shocked by Jack’s reaction. He had never seen him so angry but deep down he knew it was justified. They had told him to stop but he didn’t listen. He told her to try harder …to give everything she had left in her and it might kill her. And when the Master died anyway, in spite of her best efforts, he just forgot about her…his Rose. How the bloody hell could he just _forget_ about her? And how the fuck was he ever going to apologize for that? Well, he’d done a wonderful job of bollixing this up. If this was how he was going to treat her then he deserved to be alone for the rest of his miserable existence…and he just might be. 

He rushed after Jack and Martha through several corridors until they were inside doors of the TARDIS. When they reached the infirmary, he placed Rose on the exam table. If it was possible, she looked worse; her breaths were shallower and her skin had taken on that sickly gray color that comes with death. The Doctor stared down at her in terror. The love of his long life was on the table before him, minutes from death, and the he couldn’t _think_! His mind was blank. Dread had his hearts in such a fierce grip, he couldn’t see past his fear to save her. Finally, blessedly, Martha took over.

“Jack,” she ordered. “Help me get her hooked up to the monitors. Doctor, I need you to focus okay? Don’t look at her, look at me. I will take care of her but I need you to get a few things for me okay?” She attached a sensor to Rose’s chest and the sluggish beep of her frail heart filled the room. It was slow. Too slow. “DOCTOR! Okay?”

He shook his head trying to force his _superior_ Time Lord brain to function. “Okay,” he replied. “What do you need?”

“An IV kit and a few bags of sodium lactate solution…warmed if you have it,” she instructed, turning to the haggard Captain still eyeing the Doctor with contempt. “Jack, I need blankets. Her blood pressure is low, I think she’s in shock. We have to get her warm.” Both the Doctor and the Captain didn’t move, they were stuck staring at Rose’s motionless body with bleak expressions. Martha was fed up and shouted at them both, “Stop looking at her as if she’s already dead! She’s not! But you two need to get your arses in gear. Now shift!”

They looked at Martha in a shocked silence for one second before jumping into motion. In a flurry of movement, they produced all of the items requested and Martha set to work inserting the IV and hanging the bags of fluid bedside the monitor. The Doctor and Jack dogged her every motion and she tripped over them twice before she had enough. “Okay, both of you need to get out now. I can’t do my job if you are getting in my way and breathing down my neck. Now please leave.”

Jack grudgingly made his way to the door but the Doctor planted his feet with stubborn determination. “I’m not leaving. You might need me…she might need me. I can’t go…I just…I can’t. What if she wakes up and I’m not here? I _have_ to be here for her.” 

\-----------------------------

This last was said with so much guilt that Martha could almost see it crushing him. She was just about to relent, unable to resist the lost puppy look on his face.

From inside the doorway, Jack sniped with disdain, “It’s a little late for that now, isn’t it Doctor?”

His eyes flashed with fury. “Don’t start with me Harkness! You have no idea what I’ve lost today!”

“Oh no, I know exactly what you lost today,” he shouted back. “My respect!”

Over the commotion, Martha heard the monitor beep in alarm. Both men went quiet as the woman on the table gave a pained moan. 

“Rose,” they breathed in concern, starting toward her. 

Martha almost resented how this one tiny woman had both men wrapped around her finger. “All right that’s it,” came her stern tone. “You are disturbing my patient and I want you out of here right now. That includes you, Doctor.”

The Doctor opened his mouth to argue again but Jack grabbed the back of his collar and hauled him through the door. Martha shut and locked it behind them. Thank god, now she could get on with her job. 

She approached the monitor at Rose’s side again and flicked through page after page of statistics, only a few of which she understood. She seemed to be doing a little better. Her breathing was stronger but her heartbeat was still listless, beating so slowly. Martha’s brow knit with anxiety and she wondered what would happen to the two men outside the door if Rose didn’t make it. A memory surfaced of the Doctor in a darkened forest, imploring the Daleks to kill him. 

She shuddered and stroked Rose’s soft hair back from her forehead. “You’d better wake up…for his sake.”


	15. If You Had Stayed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor and Jack have a long talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! To those of you who celebrate it, I hope you had a Happy Christmas. To those of you celebrating other holidays or even just some time off, I hope you have a wonderful time basking in the love of family, friends, or even just the love you all should have for yourselves. I just want to say that your enjoyment of this story has meant so much to me. It has been the best gift! I hope you keep enjoying every chapter. Much love to all of you. 
> 
> _Martha approached the monitor at Rose’s side again and flicked through page after page of statistics, only a few of which she understood. She seemed to be doing a little better. Her breathing was stronger but her heartbeat was still listless, beating so slowly. Martha’s brow knit with anxiety and she wondered what would happen to the two men outside the door if Rose didn’t make it. A memory surfaced of the Doctor in a darkened forest, imploring the Daleks to kill him._
> 
> _She shuddered and stroked Rose’s soft hair back from her forehead. “You’d better wake up…for his sake.”_

The Doctor’s constant pacing was starting to annoy even him. The _tap tap, squeak, tap, tap squeak_ of his trainers on the corridor floor felt like a sharp needle in his ears. He glanced at the infirmary door. They had waited for a half hour now with no word as to Rose’s condition. Martha was still confined in the med bay, doing Rassilon knows what. What could be taking so long? He should be in there with her, at least so he could hold her hand. She needed him. For about the hundredth time he ran his hand through his hair causing the stylized mess to jut wildly in every direction. 

He looked to Jack who sat against the wall, opposite the door, with his arms on his knees. His thunderous gaze was locked in place, exuding righteous indignation. It irritated him, that barb about respect was still ringing in his ears. Shame hunched his shoulders but, like the stubborn old mule that he was, he tried to fight it. What right did the Captain have to judge his actions? Rose maybe, but him? What did the Doctor need his respect for anyway? He glanced to the door again and winced, looking quickly away. As he passed the other man, he kicked his foot (just to fuck with him if he were honest). 

“What do you want,” Jack growled without looking at him. 

“Are you still cross,” he asked, resuming his pacing. 

He released a tense breath through his nose. “Cross would be putting it mildly.”

The Doctor stayed silent for a minute, determined not to explain his actions to the Captain, of all people, but, in the end, his guilt won out. “You just don’t understand, Jack. The Master he...what was I supposed to...”

“Can we not talk,” he interrupted. “I don’t think I can sit here and listen to you justify your thoughtless...careless... _stupid_ actions without clocking you right in the jaw. That would upset Rose so please…shut up.”

He skidded to a halt, staring down the hot rage in the other man’s eyes. His bravado left him in a rush of breath and he leaned against the coral wall beside the door, fully aware that his actions were shameful. “I’m sorry, Jack. I didn’t mean to.... What I did to Rose…I’ll never be able to…” Rose…sweet kind impossible Rose. She saved him, from himself…from despair…and what had he ever given her? Only terror, pain and nightmares. Why did he keep doing these things? No answer was forthcoming. “Why,” he asked himself aloud in frustration. “Why would I do that to her?”

“I DON’T KNOW, DOCTOR,” Jack shouted, clearly tired of his self-pitying tone. “I don’t know why you would do that to her. I don’t even _know you_ anymore. The Doctor I knew would never have done that. The Doctor I knew thought Rose was his everything. He would never ask her to sacrifice herself for a monster who wanted to wage war on the universe. And after what he did to her?”

“He was dying, Jack! I didn’t know it would hurt Rose. She shows up here after two years, wielding the power of the Vortex like she’s some kind of ancient omnipotent goddess. I couldn’t let him die. I had to use every device at my disposal.”

“Rose isn’t a device for you to use, Doctor! She’s a person!”

“I didn’t mean it like that!” He hid his face in his hands and sank down against the wall defeated. “I know that he hurt her but...”

“No, you don’t. You only saw the results of it.”

“I watched her die,” he snapped. “Isn’t that enough?!”

“No! It’s not,” he spat with disgust. “He brutalized her, Doctor. If you had only seen…” His shoulders slumped and he ran a hand through his hair. “She somehow convinced me to go out of the TARDIS and protect Martha because...Rose can’t help herself. Sit on the sidelines and let the plan play out? Heck no! She always has to jump in with both feet, blind to the consequences. Wonder where she learned that from?” He paused, swallowing hard. “The Master was waiting for us outside the TARDIS. He made all sorts of threats, had me shot, and you know how Rose gets.”

The Doctor nodded in agreement. 

“She lost it, kicked him right in the plums but I didn’t get a second to be proud of her. Those stupid floating balls attacked her and tore her to shreds. They left her in a bloody heap on the floor but even then, she couldn’t keep her mouth shut. She taunted the Master like she was daring him to do something and he did. He kicked her over and over and over and over again until she was choking on blood.” 

His brows drew together. He didn’t want to hear anymore but he knew he didn’t deserve the relief. Rose had lived it...he should be able to listen to the details. He wouldn’t hide from this.

Jack sniffed, rubbing a hand across his mouth. “Rose always seems larger than life. Her spirit is so strong. She’s like an Amazon warrior woman. She always slips out of danger with little more than a scrape and a bruise. It’s so easy to look at her as invincible. But listening to her ribs crack, seeing her bloody and broken on that dirty floor...she looked so small, fragile. I-I thought she was going to die and you, you made her _touch_ him... _heal_ him, after everything he did to her. And why did she do it? She did it for you because she would deny you nothing...and you know that, you _used_ that”

The sharp accusation felt like a slap to the face. The Doctor swallowed the lump in his throat and dropped his head into his hands. He was right. Rose was the best of the best. She was sharp witted…brilliant really, and on more than one occasion she had solved a problem before he even knew one existed. He came to depend on her so much during their time together. She always knew what to do, what to say, and he trusted her. She was selfless, always giving anything she had to save someone…anyone…good or bad. But he had taken advantage of these wonderful traits in her…using them as if they were his own. Damn! He dug the heels of his palms into his eyes. He was such an ass. 

“I’m sorry, Jack,” he choked out. “I did use her.” _His Rose. _ “How could I do that,” he whispered in disbelief at his own stupidity. “Why?”

He pinned him with a probing stare. “You tell me Doctor, why?” 

He searched his soul and then Jack’s eyes. He was giving him a chance to explain and, though the Doctor knew it wouldn’t absolve him, maybe his excuse could soothe some anger. Would he understand…would Rose?

“Jack,” he choked out, pleading his case. “I’ve lived for nine hundred years and I’ve traveled the universe for centuries. I have seen things…_done things_ that would make you shudder. But, through it all, the good and the bad, I always knew that I could go home. And even if I wasn’t accepted or _wanted_ there, I at least knew that there were others who understood how it felt…sensing the rotation of the planet…the slow tick of time…timelines shifting…seeing horrible things on the horizon and being unable to stop them.” He swallowed, staring into nothing. “I lost them all; my home and everyone who was like me. At the end of the Time War, I thought I was the only one left, the last of my kind. I felt hopeless, I was certain that I would spend the rest of my very long life alone. Imagine my relief when I found the Master. I know that he’s a monster. I know that he has done horrible things but, in spite of his madness, I also saw a being that knew how it felt to see and feel time. I saw home again…I saw hope. What I did to Rose was…_terrible_ and, if I could go back and change it, I would. But at that moment, watching the Master die, it felt like I was burning Gallifrey all over again…my home…my family. I wasn’t thinking.”

The Captain’s shrewd blue eyes studied him. “So what’s your excuse for the other stuff?”

The Doctor looked up, blinking. “What stuff?”

Jack took a deep, controlled breath. “Rose and I have been holed up in the TARDIS for about a month. That’s a lot of time to talk all about your adventures, the Sycorax, losing your hand, werewolves, Sarah Jane, Mickey…France.”

He looked away rubbing at the back of his neck.

“And there it is…” He chuckled but the sound held no trace of humor. “You know I was hoping I wasn’t right.”

“Right about what?”

“About you… and Rose and this…” He exhaled a shaky breath and let his legs straighten out. “Glorified concubine.”

He glared. “You weren’t there Captain. You don’t know anything.”

“I know you were trying to push her away,” he seethed. “I know that you deliberately tried to hurt her, to make her feel worthless, and I know that you succeeded. Because that’s what you always do. She gets a little too close, gets under that thick armor of yours, and you push her away. You call her a stupid little ape or some other degrading insult and put her right back in her place. How noble of you, Doctor.”

His hearts tripped over each other at his words and his mouth went dry. “The timelines- I had to…”

“Yeah, she made a lot of excuses for you too, all about responsibility and duty. Was it your duty to make her feel small? Can you imagine? Rose Tyler feeling worthless in the face of some French whore?”

“That’s an awfully judgmental tone coming from you Captain,” he snapped. 

“I judge you, Doctor! I don’t judge her, I judge you! Don’t pretend that you and Rose had nothing, that there wasn’t something between you. You forget, I traveled with you both. I saw how you both felt about each other and you betrayed that!” He caught his breath, contemplating his next words. “Did you know that she thinks you slept with her?”

The Time Lord looked up, aghast. “What?”

He nodded. “Did you know that she thinks you loved her? This woman that you had known for less than two days?!”

“What?”

“I was so angry,” he continued as if he hadn’t spoken. “And do you know what she said to me?”

He shook his head. 

“She said, ‘I have no claim on him, Jack.’ ‘He doesn’t owe me anything.’ I mean, godsdammit Doctor, this is Rose we’re talking about. You remember Rose? The woman who found us both in the darkest moments of our lives and made feel like we could live again? Like we could draw breath into our lungs again,” he entreated, tears gathering in his eyes. “I mean, let’s be honest. You wouldn’t have taken me on if she hadn’t asked. I owe her everything.”

Realization drew a sharp breath from the Doctor. “You love her.”

“Not like you’re thinking,” he answered, running his fingers through his hair. “Maybe at one time but, as she so eloquently stated, she was a lost cause long before we met. She’s loved you from the moment she knew you. Now, she’s just the kid sister I never had. You lucky fuckin’ bastard. You don’t deserve her…and yet, with all of the good you’ve spread in this universe, maybe you do. That’s what is so infuriating. I’ve watched you dance around your feelings for each other way too long now. I watched you draw her close and push her away, watched it hurt both of you countless times. So, after all this time, tell me why. All the good that you do; why can’t you be good to her? What is so wrong with loving her?”

He weighed his answer, mindful of the Captain’s ire. He wouldn’t be able to deny his feelings for Rose, not to Jack. He knew the truth too well. “Rose told you about Sarah Jane?”

He nodded. 

“I traveled with Sarah Jane in my fourth body. It was ridiculous, all riotous mass of curly hair and a multi-colored scarf that stretched for miles. Seeing her again, after all that time, was brilliant, of course it was. But she was different, she was...” He swallowed hard, unwilling to say the word aloud.

“Old. You can say it, Doctor. It’s what humans do...they get old.”

“Exactly! And she was still the same Sarah Jane; tenacious, brave, irreverent. But all I could see when I looked at her was Rose in thirty years’ time.” 

“It’s funny, that’s what Rose said about her,” he interrupted. “She said it felt like looking into her future.” 

“Did she,” he asked and ran an exasperated hand over his face when the other man nodded. “I would get another seventy maybe eighty years with Rose, if I was lucky, and then she was going leave. That’s how it would always end... she would leave me and it didn’t matter if it was by choice or not. _She_ was going to leave...not the other way around. And I resented her for that.”

“Doctor, you couldn’t resent her for aging,” he interjected. 

“I didn’t resent her for aging,” he tried to explain. “I resented her for...” He hung his head, ashamed.

The Captain’s brows arched upward and he sat back, eyes wide with comprehension. “You resented her for making you fall in love with her...for making you need her.”  
The Doctor sighed. “You were right, Jack. She did save me. After the Time War I had nothing, not even the will to carry on. But then Rose Tyler breezed into my life and suddenly she _became_ my reason. I carried on just to make her smile, hear her laugh, and see that look of wonder on her face. It got to the point where I didn’t know _how_ to do it without her anymore. I didn’t know how to be me without her and... she was going to leave me.”

“So France was all about proving to yourself that you could do it without her...that you didn’t need her?”

“Yep,” he replied, his fingers drawing circles into the floor of the corridor, so he didn’t have meet the other man’s eyes. “An experiment which failed in spectacular fashion because even as I was trapped in France, with the most beautiful woman of the time fawning over me, Rose was all I could think about. I already missed her. I was already dreading how long I would have to be away from her.”

————————

Jack studied the Doctor’s heartbroken face as he hunched there, most likely drawing Rose’s name into the floor time after time. To be honest, he felt as though he was looking at himself. He had lived for a very long time and was already resigned to his fate. He would live on as everyone and everything around him turned to dust. Already, he had lost so many people to history. He thought of his friends, his team; he thought about watching them grow old and die without being able to do anything. He felt the Doctor’s pain as real and vibrant as if it were his own…because it was. 

He rubbed at his tearing eyes. “Jesus Doc, why do you have to be so... relatable. I really wanted to pummel you.”

“You’re still welcome to,” he replied. “It doesn’t change what I did. It was unforgivable.”

“Well I won’t...mostly because it would upset Rose but also because...” He huffed out a breath. “I do. I forgive you, Doctor.”

His eyes snapped up, confusion drawing his brows together. “You do? Why?”

“Because I understand,” he explained. “I’ve lived for centuries. Did you really think I wouldn’t understand?”

He shrugged. 

“Have you talked to Rose about any of this?”

The Doctor tossed him a rueful smile. “I think you know me a bit better than that.”

“Coward. You should.”

“Why,” he asked, melancholy settling on his shoulders like a physical weight. “Nothing has changed.”

“What do you mean? Everything has changed.” At the Time Lord’s look of bewilderment Jack asked, “Did she not tell you?”

“Tell me what?”

At last, Martha opened the door of the infirmary and shut it behind her. Both men scrambled to their feet. “Are you two done with your little row, then,” she chastised. “You were shouting so loud. It’s a testament to how tired she is that you didn’t disturb her.”

They looked down at their feet. “Sorry, Martha,” they said in unison.

“How…how is she,” the Doctor asked, scared to hope. 

“She’s stable…finally. I’ve been giving her fluids and her vital stats are back within acceptable levels. She’s even got some color back in her cheeks. But she’s exhausted. Her body is drained. She needs rest…so the two of you need to get out of this corridor and leave her be for a while.”

A big smile broke across both Jack and the Doctor’s faces as they grabbed her into a hug, laughing in relief. They held each other close, rejoicing in the fact that they were all alive and the worst had passed, for the moment. 

“Well,” Jack breathed, relaxing back into his genial disposition. “Now that the waiting game is over, I think I’m going into the console room to get a jump on some of those repairs. Rose and I were working on it but it was slow. We only had a meager number of tools. I’m sure I can work much faster now that the Old Girl isn’t stunted by holding a paradox together.”

“Ta,” the Doctor replied, only now believing that the Captain had truly forgiven him. “But if you get tired, your room should be just how you left it.”

“Aww, you _do_ care,” he gushed.

“Shut up.”

Jack gave a real laugh for the first time. “I love you too, Doc.” 

He tried to walk away but the Time Lord grabbed his arm. “What is it Jack? What hasn’t Rose told me that’s going to change everything?”

His blue eyes sparkled with knowledge. “I think I’ll let Rose tell you that one, Doc.” He turned away, practically skipped down the grated hallways, back to the console room. 

———————

The Doctor stared at his retreating back, puzzling over his cryptic words. Sighing, he turned back to Martha. “You’re sure she’ll be alright?”

“Yes, of course I’m sure Doctor,” she replied with a yawn. “I saw to her myself.”

“Martha…I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you. You’ve been brilliant…absolutely brilliant.” He grinned. “I don’t know how to thank you.”

“You’re welcome, Doctor,” she dismissed. “It wasn’t as though I would let her die.”

“Maybe so,” he answered. “But you saved someone precious to me when I was so blinded by fear that I couldn’t. You have no idea what that means to me.”

She winced and rubbed her arm. 

“Are you hurt,” he asked, ghosting his hands over her shoulders, searching for an unseen injury.

She shrugged him off. “I don’t have any wounds. If you don’t need anything else, I’m gonna go see to my family.”

His ears pricked at her delicate sidestep of his question, troubled by the weariness in her eyes, but he was torn. His hearts lie just beyond the infirmary door. It was distracting him. “Of course. I know that they are probably tired and confused.” 

She nodded sadly and started to walk away. “Can I show them to some rooms here on the TARDIS where they can rest until we get home?”

“Sure, sure,” he said from behind her.

“When do you think that will be exactly,” she turned to ask him.

The Doctor was inching his way to the infirmary door but froze. “Oh,” he said rubbing a hand over the back of his neck. “With Jack and I both working on it, the TARDIS should be fixed up enough in a day or so.”

She passed a critical eye over him. “Doctor.”

He raised his brows over brown eyes that were the picture of innocence. “What?”

“I _mean_ it, you need to leave her alone for now. She needs to rest and, if I have to stay in front of this door, I will make sure she has it. Come on, surely you have something to do.”

He gave an agitated sigh. Yes, he did have many things that needed doing but, having just received such happy news, he was loath to do them. 

“Well, Doctor?”

“Yes, yes of course,” he sniped. 

“Good, “Martha replied, content with his answer. “I’m going to get my family now…are you coming?”

He lingered next to the infirmary door, even reaching out to give a tender brush across its surface. His hearts felt heavy. He would rather perform this unpleasant task with Rose at his side, but it looked as though he would face the cold reality of the Master’s funeral pyre alone. Taking a steadying breath, the Doctor followed Martha down the corridor, comforting himself with one thought. Even though he had lost one friend today, Rose was still alive and healing. What more could he really ask for?


	16. Would I Have Ever Found a Reason

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor and Rose have a conversation that derails too soon to be constructive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I know its been a while and I'm sorry but irl, things have been crazy. I will try to get back to my weekly posting schedule as best I can but this is the busiest time of the year for me. I really appreciate all of the love that this story has gotten. Your comments and kudos have given me fuel to keep going. Thank you!
> 
> _Taking a steadying breath, the Doctor followed Martha down the corridor, comforting himself with one thought. Even though he had lost one friend today, Rose was still alive and healing. What more could he really ask for?_

Rose was pulled from sleep, kicking and screaming, by a strange noise. 

_Hummmm, hummm, click, click. Hummmm, click, click, click._

Her sleep addled mind floundered, irritation rising to the forefront in place of rational thought. The noise came again. _Jack_…she stifled a growl. They had one rule, just one: don’t use loud as fuck tools while she was sleeping. Whatever he was using, she could feel the vibration of it in her brain. It rattled her teeth and sinuses with an annoying tickle. Rose wanted to move, to pull her pillow over her head and fall into oblivion once more but she her arms ached at the slightest twitch of the muscles.

_Hummmm, hummm, click, click. Hummmmm, click._

Argh! She needed something to throw at his head but that would require getting out of bed. _That_ wasn’t happening. She was so tired and her body felt leaden with fatigue. She just wanted to sleep. It wasn’t as if she were asking for the fucking moon here. 

“What?” She heard someone whisper in disbelief. 

That hadn’t been Jack’s voice… that was… In a rush, the events of the day flooded her mind. What happened? Last thing she remembered was kneeling across from the Doctor, her hands on the Master’s chest, desperate to heal him, and then…nothing. She must have passed out. 

Her eyelids fluttered open and blurry shapes resolved into solid familiar forms. She was well acquainted with this room, the TARDIS’ med bay. She had spent too frequent a time within its deceptively soothing walls. The lights were turned down low, casting a comforting green glow against the golden coral. Her mind still felt detached, floating in a lulling fog. She was so warm, cocooned in pleasant lethargy by layers of blankets. Rose’s lids drooped and she almost surrendered to the Sandman once again. 

_Hummmm, click, click, click._

Her eyes popped open, landing on the beloved shape sat on the stool at her bedside. Doctor. _Theta._ She smiled, finding in his presence the energy to remain conscious. They were home, together...finally. God she’d missed him so much. Every minute of these last twelve years she’d felt his absence like an ache in the center of her chest. Seeing him again after all this time felt surreal. After all that had passed between them, here they sat, together in the infirmary like they had a hundred times before. It felt like a dream, like he was almost too perfect to be real. 

_Hummm, hummm, hummm._

Bloody hell, what was that sound? It was interrupting her ogling and really starting to irritate her. She refocused on her Time Lord, trying to put it from her mind. She rarely had the chance to observe him unknown and wanted to take stock of every detail. His hair was a disheveled chestnut mess but, then again, when wasn’t it? He had habit of running his hands through it when he was stressed. A cruel tick to keep all to himself, especially when her fingers were more than willing to take over the task. His brow was furrowed in concentration, glasses perched on his nose, and a pout fixed on his lips as he tapped furiously at the monitor. Rose blinked her sleep heavy eyes and almost sighed. _Did he even know how sexy he was in those glasses?_

The humming sound came to an abrupt end and her annoyance vanished. The Doctor dropped his head, a small smile playing on his lips before he turned and looked her right in the eye. 

Rose’s eyes went wide. _Had he heard her?_

He chuckled and tucked the glasses into his pocket. “I only hear the really loud ones, don’t worry.”

“Well that’s not gonna be awkward,” she replied, voice rough from a dry throat. 

“Hang on.” He jumped to his feet and made his way to the small sink at the back of the infirmary. Returning, he held a proffered glass of water.

“Thank you.” She downed it in greedy gulps. 

“Slow down,” he warned, his warm eyes flicking over her face. “Don’t want you to be sick.”

Rose set the glass down on the bedside table and met his curious gentle gaze. She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, unsure what to say in this moment. So much had happened in such a short amount of time. Where did they start? 

“How are you feeling,” he asked. 

_That was as good a place as any she supposed._ Rose grimaced. “Like I have the flu. I’m achy and exhausted and there was this buzzing sound that was really irritating but it’s gone now. My head just aches a bit.”

“Buzzing?”

“Yeah,” she replied. “I thought it was Jack. Our living quarters were pretty close and he drove me crazy with all of his noise. I thought he was using a power tool in the console room. It was like a vibration almost.”

“Ah.” He looked down, rubbing at the back of his neck. “That was probably me. You were probably picking up on my emotions. I was frustrated. I’m sorry.”

“That was you?” 

“Yes.” He huffed, rubbing at his tired eyes with one hand. “I’m not used to having someone in my head, anymore. Its…well, its an adjustment.”

“Oh.” She looked down at her hands, flushing with self-consciousness. It annoyed her. Why did she suddenly feel like that nineteen-year-old girl again? Simple and small and insecure in her abilities. She was a strong confident grown woman, for love of god. Why did she feel like a timid nit wit? 

“Hey.” The Doctor scooped up her hand and twined their fingers together. “I’m not cross. It’s just a bit…” He blew out a breath. “Overwhelming.”

“Oh,” she replied a little breathless. Argh! Could she sound more like a daft lovesick child? She wasn’t a teenager! Rose cleared her throat. “So, why are you frustrated?”

The Doctor gave an angry sigh. “The TARDIS is being stingy with information. I was looking through your scans, comparing them to previous ones and trying to pinpoint any changes. Especially, when you might have developed any kind of telepathy. I didn’t find much.”

“Oh.” She gazed at their hands, weaving and unweaving their fingers. “Well, she’s probably still recovering. She doesn’t mean to hide things. She just needs a little bit of time to...organize her thoughts.” She glanced at him, a pointed look in her eyes that made it clear they were no longer talking about only the TARDIS.

He studied her for a long moment and took a deep breath. “I suppose I can give her that,” he replied, placing a soft kiss to the back of her hand, well clear of the IV needle taped there. 

Rose suppressed a shiver. “I’m sure she appreciates it.”

“You’ve been through a fair bit of trauma today,” he reasoned, dropping the pretense. “I guess time isn’t too much to ask for, especially given how tired you are.”

“Reading thoughts again? That’s not very polite, Doctor.”

“It doesn’t take a mind reader to see that you’re struggling to keep your eyes open. It makes me think that I should have given you a sedative. You need some rest.”

“You look pretty tired yourself. How long has it been since you had a full night’s sleep? Well a full night for you anyway.”

“Its been a while.” His vague reply was a deliberate dodge but she arched a brow, refusing to let it go, and at last he sighed. “A full night’s sleep? It’s been about…two years.”

She looked down, blushing, understanding the implications. Toward the end of their time together, they adopted a habit of sleeping in the same bed. It started off simple enough, just some easy comfort between friends after a nightmare. What it developed into, made their relationship lines even more blurry. Sleeping on top of the covers with a friend, holding her hand to keep the bad dreams at bay was platonic enough. You could still consider yourselves 'just mates.' But what do you call it when you wake up half-dressed under the warm covers, limbs tangled together and lips pressed against warm skin? She had never asked and he had never volunteered an explanation but it made for some of the best sleep of her life. “That’s a long time to go without something so…vital.”

“Yes. It is.” Their gaze locked for long moments before he cleared his throat and glanced away. “Are you sure that you don’t want a little more sleep?”

“I’m fine. I’d rather talk to you,” she responded. 

“Okay, what’s on your mind?”

“How does this even work,” she asked, gesturing between them. “I mean, can everyone hear my thoughts? Because that sounds like my worst nightmare.”

He chuckled, shaking his head. “No, just me and, like I said, only the really loud ones.”

“Oh well, I will try to think quietly then,” she replied.

They lapsed into an uncomfortable silence. Well, uncomfortable for her. Theta seemed perfectly content to just look at her. His eyes travelled over her features as if committing them to memory. 

“You’re awfully quiet for someone who would rather talk than sleep. Is something bothering you?”

Rose bit her lip and the Doctor raised a questioning brow. “The Master,” she started. “He said that I was projecting everything.”

“You probably were,” he agreed. “You don’t have psychic barriers in place and that can make you easy to read. We’re touch telepaths though, so, without a connection like ours, he couldn’t have known your thoughts...not unless he was touching you and, even then, it’s very unlikely. It takes a rather intimate, deliberate connection to do that. It would require dropping his psychic defenses; which he would never have done. But he wouldn’t need to know your thoughts to interpret what you’re feeling. He was probably reading your emotions. No offense to you, but you’re kind of shouting them at everyone. He was always very good at that. It made him a skilled manipulator.” 

She shifted under her blankets unable to look him in the eye. “You keep using the past tense. Is he... Did I?” She didn’t know how to ask the question and, despite how gentle he was being with her, she was still afraid to. 

The Doctor swallowed, a frown tugging at his lips. “I am once again the last of the Time Lords. He-he’s gone.”

Ice shivered down her spine and her mouth went dry. She broke into tears, pulling her hand from his to cover her face. “Oh god, Doctor I’m so sorry. I tried; I swear I tried.” While logically she understood that he couldn’t hold her responsible for his death by any stretch of the imagination, there was still a small voice in her head that shouted: _Please don’t hate me! Please don’t leave me!_

“What,” he exclaimed, face going ashen. “No, no, no, no. Oh Rose.” 

He pulled back her covers and hopped into the small bed with her. Dodging her IV tube and other wires, he pulled her onto his lap. She resisted at first but he cuddled her closer, placing a soft kiss to her forehead. Rose gave in, curling her fingers into his shirt and weeping until her chest ached. It wasn’t fair. She worked so hard. She ripped herself apart and, after all of that, she failed him. She felt ashamed and angry with herself...with her weakness. If she had just given a little bit more. 

“Oh no, sweetheart don’t think like that. Please. Just relax.”

His comfort was useless against her guilt. She felt like she had stolen something from him. He missed his home and people with such ferocity. Yet, when the time came for her to relieve a modicum of that pain for him, she hadn’t been strong enough. Helplessness swallowed her, dragging her further into the chaotic storm of her mind. She was ready to drown in it, to wallow in her onus but, ever so slowly, her mental waters grew quiet. Her brow furrowed in confusion as genuine affection, admiration, and absolution filtered into her mind. These emotions were different, foreign but familiar. They passed from his mind into hers, infusing her with warmth and quieting her self-condemnation. After several moments, Rose drifted in a calm serenity that made her muscles unwind. 

“What’re you doing, she mumbled.

“Nothing,” he replied, sifting his fingers through the silken length of her hair.

“Yes you are,” she slurred, pleasant tingles working their way through her body. “I can feel you. You feel…good.” 

“I’m just trying to comfort you,” he replied, pressing a kiss to her hair. “Is that such a bad thing?”

“Yes,” she sniffled. “Especially when I don’t deserve it. M’so sorry, Doctor.”

He lifted her chin with a finger, forcing her to meet his eyes. “Rose you have nothing to be sorry for. I know how hard you tried…how hard _I_ pushed you.” He brushed his fingers across her cheek. “I can’t believe I almost-“ He growled, shaking his head, his mouth drawn into a distressed frown. 

“Hey,” Rose cooed, cupping his jaw. “Its okay. I’m okay. I’m just sorry that I couldn’t…” 

He leaned down, rubbing the tip of his nose against hers. “You did everything you could. You tried to save a being who had only ever hurt you and you did it for me. How could I possibly hate you for that?” 

“I just…you were so upset and-“ God she hated how pathetic she sounded but she just couldn’t help it. In truth all she wanted was to have him hold her, accept her…love her. And maybe the Master was right, maybe that made her weak, maybe it made her pitiful but what could she say? Twelve years apart had only deepened her need for him. And yes, she knew that she was a strong woman, she knew that she could survive without him but…she just didn’t want to anymore. She wanted to do more than survive. 

“Shhh.” He pulled back and brushed her hair behind her ear. “Rose Tyler there are very few things that you could do that would make me hate you. Most of them would require you becoming a completely different person. No, I don’t hate you and I will never leave you. I don’t think I could. The TARDIS is your home. You belong here.” _With me._

It was unspoken but heard by both. Rose’s heart stuttered under his tender gaze. He was so close that she could feel his cool breaths against her cheek. If she lifted her head just an inch, she could press her lips against his. He stroked his thumb along her jaw, eyes dark and intent on her. A shiver rolled down her spine and settled in her belly like glowing ember. Her eyes slipped closed, a quiet moan escaping her lips, until she heard Theta blow out a shaky breath and her lashes lifted. 

“This is going to be difficult,” he spoke breathlessly. 

Rose could feel his hearts going wild beneath her palm. “What?”

He leaned down to press his forehead to hers and she went boneless, melting against him as their connection pulsed, shining like a solar flare in her mind. “Do you know what this is between us, Rose?”

“A little.” She licked her lips, shifting in his lap, and Theta groaned. She froze, looking up into his smoldering eyes. “Sorry.”

His fingers twined into her hair as he tilted her head back and whispered against her lips, “Don’t be.”

“Doc!” Jack’s voice jolted them apart as he turned into the infirmary and came to an abrupt halt, staring at them with wide eyes. “Oh, sorry. Am I interrupting something?”

Rose almost growled out her frustration. _YES! GET OUT!_

The Doctor burst into laughter and kissed her on the forehead. “It’s fine, Jack. Come in.”

Rose looked up at him in disbelief. _WHAT?!_

He smiled and shook his head. “You need to have quieter thoughts.” He lowered his voice to a whisper. “And as much as I do not want to share you right now, Rose Tyler…he needs to see you, too. He was very worried.”

Rose’s heart softened and she shook the sexual frustration from her mind. Jack was her friend. Of course he would worry over her and now, he was part of the only real family she had. She couldn’t treat him like he was a burden. Bearing that in mind, Rose pasted a gentle smile on her face and turned toward him but when the Doctor moved to slip out of the cot, her attention was diverted. She clung to him with a whimpered protest. 

He squeezed her hand. “I’ll be right back. I’m just going to grab you another glass of water.”

She was reluctant to release him but at last relented and let him slide off the bed. He went to the tap and Jack approached her side with a wince mouthing, ‘sorry.’ Rose rolled her eyes and waved him off, settling back against the pillows alone.

“How are you feeling, Rosie?” 

“I’m fine, a little tired and weak, a bit of a headache, but otherwise fine. What about you? You look exhausted,” she fretted, reaching out to grab his hand. 

He gave it a gentle squeeze and rubbed at his eyes. “Yeah I’m beat. I just stopped in to check on you before I went to bed. It’s good to see you’re awake.” 

The Doctor returned and placed her glass of water on the table before resuming his seat on the stool at her bedside. Rose frowned and he avoided her probing gaze. When it became clear that he wouldn’t acknowledge her, she turned back to Jack, willing her eyes to stop burning. 

She cleared her throat. “Where are Martha, Tish? Their parents?”

“They’ve settled into a couple rooms here,” he replied his now concerned gaze flitting between the Time Lord and his companion. “They’re safe and sound. Nothing to worry about.” 

“Okay.”

Silence reigned for several awkward moments before Jack clapped his hands. “Well, like I said, I’m gonna hit the hay. You two just go back to whatever you were doing. Pretend I was never here.” He stepped forward and kissed Rose on the forehead. “Love you, kiddo.”

She smiled. “Love you.”

“See ya Doc,” he barked as he sauntered out of the room. 

The Doctor waved and an oppressive quiet settled through the room. The space that only moments ago felt warm and safe now turned cold and clinical. Rose twisted her fingers into knots and struggled to keep her mind clear. She didn’t want to project how empty she suddenly felt or the fact that her lips still tingled from the ghost of his touch. When she was certain that she had her emotions under control, she looked up to find his intent gaze. 

“What now,” she asked in a small voice. 

He sighed and ran a single hand over his face. “Well, you could probably use several more hours of sleep and I need to get started on some…oh let’s call it research.”

“Oh.” She wanted to curse him for being so goddamned self-contained. “Research?”

“Yeah I’ll just need to take a few blood samples and run a few more tests.”

She stiffened and narrowed her eyes on him. “You mean experiments. You want to experiment on me. You’re trying to find out what I am now.”

“No, Rose. Of course not, you’re not a lab rat but…” He rubbed at his brow. “This isn’t normal. You shouldn’t be able to do the things you did today.”

“Yes, I’m well aware of that Doctor,” she snipped. “I know that I’m not ‘normal’. I’m sorry if that disappoints you.”

“It doesn’t disappoint me, Rose. It worries me,” he explained and stood, beginning to pace at the foot of her bed. “The Bad Wolf, it-“

“I’m the Bad Wolf. We’re one and the same.”

“I know! That’s the problem. You have the power of the Vortex coursing through your head. What if you can’t control it one day and in burns your mind right out of your skull?!”  


“Doctor, I understand that it’s scary but-“

“No, Rose you don’t understand…this power in you it’s wrong! This is wrong! You’re not supposed to be like this!”

His words found sharp purchase in her heart. She was wrong? It pricked at her insecurities. For twelve years she felt unable to relate to her fellow humans in Pete’s World. She felt separate, alien, and the last thing she expected was to hear those same fears flung back at her from the man she most loved.

Rose glared at him. “Wrong?! You know some might say it’s wrong for a person to change their entire face and body, but you do it. You regenerate.”

“That’s different I’m not human, I’m a Time Lord.”

“Well in case you haven’t noticed, Doctor, I’m not exactly _human_ these days either,” she shouted, throwing the blankets off. She swung her legs over the side of the bed, ripping out the IV and other sensors. The monitor began screaming warnings that drove like an ice pick into her temple. 

The Doctor stopped her progress by rushing to her side and placing his hands on either side of her hips, trapping her on the bed. “That’s exactly what I mean, Rose. Please, if you would just let me run a few tests.” 

Rose had some background with being tested on. She ran her own team at Torchwood for two years when Pete decided to retire as Director. Naturally, she had taken the job…not because of nepotism (despite some senior officer opinions). She worked her butt off and she had a forward-facing vision for the flawed organization. She knew its failings from the inside and had productive ideas that would make them more efficient. She deserved the Director position but four years into it, malcontents began to whisper about her mysterious origins, her uncanny ability to never age. 

When the rumbles of mutiny grew louder, the Board of Directors took it upon themselves to pull her sealed medical records, seemingly over her doctor’s dead body. Her lab work had only been cause for further investigation. The powers that be decided Rose would better serve her country by providing a gateway for scientific progress, the key to solving life’s greatest enemy…death. Who wouldn’t want to live forever, heal faster? 

The irony wasn’t lost of her that the ability to evade death was ruining her life. She was blacklisted, running for her very existence and, Daniel Rourke, acting Director and ringleader malcontent, made it his personal mission to bring her in. In the end, she decided to end things on her terms. She gave herself up. Rourke took her from her family and everyone she loved. He spent months trying to torture the secrets of her youth from her lips before he finally realized that she had nothing to offer him. That was when he turned her over to the doctors. For two years she was poked, prodded, x-rayed, biopsied, and a variety of other tests that she didn’t want to think about. Needless to say, she was a little tetchy about being “tested” as the Doctor put it. 

“No! I’m not one of your little experiments, Doctor! I’m a person!”

“Rose-“

“Is this what we are to you,” she continued, wincing against the monitor’s beeps that blared through her mind like a bullhorn. “Are we experiments? Are we tools? Toys? Accessories? Do you just pick us up and throw us away like an old hat, or scarf, or piece of produce?”

“No, of course not,” he replied, insulted, but Rose was beyond listening. 

“And when we cease to be useful or entertaining you just leave us in Norway or Aberdeen or on a space station 200,000 years into our future and then it’s off to the next companion? I mean, do we mean anything to you? Do _I_ mean anything to you?

“Yes, of course you do.” He tried to cup her cheek but she jerked from his touch. 

“No Doctor, I don’t want to hear it again. _Not you, Rose. Never you,_” she imitated his voice back at him. “Is that the same thing you said to Sarah Jane, or Jack? Have you said it to Martha yet?” He looked as if she’d just slapped him but Rose didn’t care. She knew her words were hurtful and rash and she would regret them but the memories of her torture were a fresh bleeding wound. She was exhausted, drained, and her head felt like it might explode at any moment. She struck out at him with her words like a cornered wounded animal. “How long did you wait after I was gone to pick up Martha? A day? A week? Did you mourn me at all or did you simply move on to the next young girl out there?” 

“ENOUGH,” he snapped. Cupping her chin in his hand, he forced her to meet his tormented gaze. “MOURN YOU?! Rose Tyler, I mourned you every second of every day you were gone. I was still mourning you when you found me on that ship and, if you hadn’t showed up then, I would have mourned you every day for the rest of my long life.”

Rose stared at him, stunned speechless. She was being irrational; she knew that. Some part of her mind was whispering that sheer exhaustion and hormones were ruling her right now but an even bigger part was screaming that everything hurt too much even his beautiful sentiments. For that’s all they could be…sentiments…right? He tried to put his arms around her but she pushed him away. It was a frail gesture, considering her feeble strength, but the Doctor stepped back, allowing her space. He looked crushed but she needed some barriers; if he gathered her in his arms she might just fracture into a million shattered pieces.

“I can’t think about this, Doctor. I’m done talking. I am so tired. I just want to go to my room, have a bath and go to bed.” She hopped from the cot but her legs refused to support her and she crashed to the floor in a heap.

“Rose!” The Doctor rushed to her side, trying to gather her in his arms. 

She wasn’t having any of it and batted his hands away. “I can do it myself. I’m fine,” she snapped, pulling herself to her feet once more. 

She took about two steps before she collapsed again, only this time, it was into the Doctor’s waiting arms. He cradled her against his cool chest where she could feel the strong steadying rhythm his dual heartbeats. It calmed her, though not by much, and she still put up a feeble fight. 

“Rose Marion Tyler,” he chastised. “Do you always have to be so damned stubborn?”

“Just put me down, Doctor. Please, put me down,” she begged, pushing against his chest with weak arms.

“Why? So you can fall flat on your face again? Listen to me Rose...” He held her still, determined for her to listen. “I’m _not_ letting you go.”

She couldn’t hold back anymore and she burst into tears. There was such blazing sincerity in his eyes that Rose was compelled to believe him and now all she could do was sob into his shirt. He was giving her the words she needed to hear and she thought that maybe…just maybe, they weren’t pretty sentiments. Rational thought broke through her exhausted haze. Why was she fighting him? Oh god the things she had said to him…had she hurt him? She thought back to his expression when she’d spat his words about ‘Never her’ back in his face. Oh god, she had.

She was crying in earnest, blubbering incoherent apologies through her sobs. He shushed her, whispering sweet comforts of forgiveness and absolution but she was beyond consolation. Exhaustion and pain dogged her, sapping any strength from her muscles. A dark haze settled over her thoughts, her mind fighting the fog of fatigue. After several minutes, unable to fight any longer, Rose succumbed, surrendering to the pull of sleep, safe in the Doctor’s arms.


	17. To Feel This Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor is determined to make Rose comfortable, to make up for upsetting her. HIs efforts are quickly rewarded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay everyone, this is where this story starts to earn its rating. So, I hope you have paid attention to that so far. I would say you could skip it if you want to, but you really can't. Some important stuff happens in this chapter..along with the smut. I spent a long time getting this chapter as perfect as possible. So, I hope you like it. Let me know what you think! ;)
> 
> _Rose was crying in earnest, blubbering incoherent apologies through her sobs. He shushed her, whispering sweet comforts of forgiveness and absolution but she was beyond consolation. Exhaustion and pain dogged her, sapping any strength from her muscles. A dark haze settled over her thoughts, her mind fighting the fog of fatigue. After several minutes, unable to fight any longer, Rose succumbed, surrendering to the pull of sleep, safe in the Doctor’s arms._

The Doctor wandered through corridors; an unconscious Rose held protectively to his chest. Twenty minutes he spent searching for her bedroom only to find the same thing behind every door…his room. He rolled his eyes and suppressed an irritated grumble. The TARDIS was being difficult and, even though he knew that she would eventually get her way, he was determined to keep fighting a little while longer. It was the principle of the thing: a TARDIS should obey her Time Lord. He felt her mirth brushing, light and bubbly, against his mind as if he had just thought something adorable…and stupid.

“Meddling bloody ship,” he muttered under his breath, for which he received a mental shove that made him grimace. He awkwardly tried the next door he came across and found… surprise, surprise…his room…_again._ “She doesn’t want my room, she wants hers. Now give it to me,” he growled, scowling at the ceiling. 

He didn’t receive a response. The TARDIS remained staunchly intractable and he sighed, a sense of helplessness filling him. He glanced at Rose’s tearstained face and winced, his hearts twisting with regret. He’d made her cry again and it turned his stomach. In the time he had her back, he had almost killed her by forcing her to save the Master, yelled at her for refusing to be poked and prodded into exhaustion, and insulted her by calling her unnatural and wrong. The Doctor cursed his wayward tongue. It always seemed to get him into trouble and he should have known better. After everything that she went through today, he shouldn’t have pushed her. He knew Rose Tyler and, as he thought about it now, he understood that all she wanted or needed was a place to feel safe, secure. All she wanted was… 

_You,_ a part of his mind whispered. _All she wanted was you._

His brow furrowed, shame heating his cheeks. At least she had quieted. She was dozing against his shoulder, a frown still tugging at her full lips. _Those lips,_ even now he ached to lean down and brush his against them. The impulse was overwhelming. Two years without her and he had forgotten how alluring she could be. Or maybe it was because of her absence that he found her so irresistible now but he doubted it. She had a way of reaching into his chest, grabbing him by the hearts, and pulling him toward her. It was undeniable…and now he knew why. 

He blew out a heavy breath, trying to banish the more complex problems (like this bond) from his mind. Later, they could deal with it later. Right now, the purple skin around her eyes signaled her fatigue. Her body was weak and she deserved at least the three things she’d asked for: her room, a bath, and a bed. He doubted that she would be happy in his room considering how angry she was with him. He closed his eyes, resigning himself to begging. 

_Please, give me her room._

The door beside him swung open, he could see his bed inside. Argh! He had enough. He wouldn’t let his own ship manipulate him. He would keep searching all night if he had to. The Doctor turned his back to the entryway in obstinate defiance and looked for the next room but he found that every other door in the corridor disappeared. 

“This is ridiculous,” he shouted. “Just give me her room!”

Rose moaned and shifted in his arms, burrowing closer to his chest. The Doctor cringed, afraid to fully rouse her. What if she started yelling again or worse...crying? He cooed gentle words against her hair until she grew quiet and then sighed. He didn’t have much choice here and he knew it. He knew better than to argue with the TARDIS when she wanted something. Rose needed a bath and bed. He could give her at least _two_ of the three things she asked for. The door beside him squeaked as it opened further. He glared at it and reluctantly stepped through into his room.

_There will be repercussion later. We’re not done here._

The TARDIS’ smug satisfaction said they were. 

The lights in his room were muted, so as not to disturb the sleeping human, and he reluctantly placed Rose on the large bed that dominated the space. She clung to him, whimpering in her sleep as if afraid to let him go. The Doctor smiled and stroked her hair until she settled, his tender eyes drifting over her face. He understood her anxiety; he didn’t want to take his eyes off her, afraid that she would disappear in an instant. He wanted nothing more than to cuddle into bed beside her and hold her forever but he could smell the dried blood on her skin. The tangy scent made his nose wrinkle in distaste. She needed to be clean and comfortable. 

He placed a light kiss on her forehead, uncurled her fingers from his shirt, and stood, looking around the room. It was a mess. Clothes, tools, papers and bits of machinery were strewn everywhere. The Doctor rubbed the back of his neck and thanked the stars that Rose was sleeping. She would never let him live this down. He had let himself go during this last year with Martha. He never found the time, energy or drive to take care of any household duties. To be fair, he didn’t like to do them on a good day but this was out of control. 

The TARDIS had taken care of him at first, out compassion for his loss, but she’d quickly reminded him that she was not a maid. She was a, one of kind, time and spaceship and he was a nine hundred-year-old Time Lord who could manage his own washing, ta. So, things had piled up over time. He looked back at Rose’s sleeping form. He didn’t want her waking in the middle of the night to use the loo, tripping over his mess, and hurting herself further. Although, he doubted that she could walk on her own right now. 

Still, there was nothing for it. The Doctor rolled his eyes and lumbered into action gathering all of the clothes and shoving them into his laundry basket. He grabbed his trainers and threw them into the wardrobe with haphazard accuracy, shrugging when one didn’t even make it past the doorway. He wasn’t looking for perfection here. The mechanical bits and bobbles didn’t have a designated spot, so he started shoving them in any drawer he could find. Scooping up the bin beside his desk, he set about crumpling the multitude of discarded notes that were strewn about the floor. He moved through the task on autopilot until a familiar image caught his attention and he dropped the bin to the floor with a loud clatter. 

He jumped, looking toward the bed where a sleeping Rose shifted with a moan. When she settled, he glanced down at the picture in his hands, running a reverent finger around the edge. It was something that he thought lost long ago; a candid shot of he and Rose, taken by her mother at one of her New Year’s parties. They were lost in each other, completely unaware of an audience. Rose was smiling at him, her fingers curled in his blue oxford, pulling him close. He looked like a besotted fool, grinning tenderly and tucking a strand of blonde hair behind her ear. He had to admit that, to an outsider, they looked like a couple completely in love. His eyes watered and he swallowed the ache in his throat. He thought that he lost this months ago. Destroyed in a fit of anger and grief, he had ripped it to shreds, hoping that it might dull the ragged edges of the hole he felt in his chest. It hadn’t and, after a short nap, he was incensed by his actions. Thankfully, it seemed that the TARDIS was looking out for him, like she always did. 

He glanced up at the ceiling. _Thank you._

He felt a soft brush of comfort against his mind and swallowed the lump in his throat. Turning the picture over, he revealed the message that Jackie wrote before she slipped it into his pocket. 

_Tell her…she deserves to know._

He had never given Jackie enough credit. She had his number from the beginning. She knew how he felt about her daughter, even when couldn’t admit it to himself. The delicate script blurred and he felt the phantom twinges of that hole as he glanced to Rose again. She was home now. He shouldn’t feel this empty and yet, his chest was hollow. He felt the urge to crawl into bed beside her and bury his nose in her hair. He had missed her so much and he wanted to surrender to the comfort of her presence but he still had work to do. 

He wiped away the moisture on his cheeks and tucked the picture into his desk drawer, trying to banish the ache inside him. He shook his head and turned his mind back to the task at hand. Rose wanted a bath. He had a bath; it had never been used but he had one. However, when Rose took a bath it was a grand affair. He walked in on enough to know that they involved a lot of bubbles, oils, lotions, and candles in various scents. Too much faff in his opinion but he could do it…right?

He crossed the room, opening the door to his en suite, and gave a sigh of relief to see that he had nothing to worry about. The bath was already filling; steam rising from sultry scented water. Bubbles grew from the rim like dozens of glass pearls that reflected the shimmer of numerous candles scattered about the room. A soft towel and flannel lay on a small table next to several bottles of her favorite hair and body wash. He smiled, stroking the coral wall in thanks. 

_Still mad at me then?_

The TARDIS just hummed happily.

“Yeah, you’re always happy when you get your way,” he muttered.

He turned back to his room, leaning against the doorframe and trying to wrap his mind around the events of the last day. That horrible year was over, he was back to his normal foxy self, the Master was gone, Rose was back and…oh yeah, was his bond mate! Rose Tyler was (somehow) bonded to him! He still couldn’t process that. And he knew that right now she would make a joke about his superior Time Lord brain but he couldn’t help it. This was surreal. 

He had never even entertained the idea of a bond mate before. A relationship like that never seemed conducive to his lifestyle, particularly with other Time Lords or Ladies. In a culture such as his, what were the odds that he found another pair of wandering hearts that matched his; ready and willing to shirk any responsibility but _not_ completely mad? It was unlikely, to the say the least. Besides, he never wanted to be tied down by anyone or anything. Commitment issues, he chuckled to himself. How cliché. 

Losing Gallifrey had changed his perspective though. He didn’t like being alone in the universe. In the grand tradition of not knowing what you had until it was gone, he found himself missing even the Time Lords’ stunted and relentlessly bureaucratic ways. Despite their downfalls, he missed that tether to home, that feeling of community. But, like it or not, Gallifrey was gone and he found himself in need of companionship, a hand to hold...and he met Rose Tyler. She gave him something that he never had before, even when Gallifrey still stood...understanding. She tried to know him, to understand the way his mind worked, his motivations, his desires, and, for the most part, she succeeded. In spite of not knowing much of his past, he would say that she knew him better than almost anyone, simply because she tried. 

In her he found his match. The wanderlust in her eyes called to him, helping him see this universe in a new light, and, as an added bonus, her hand fit perfectly in his no matter which body he found himself in. (True, there had only been two but he was willing to bet on that staying consistent.) Being with her had had fostered new hopes and dreams. The Master wasn’t lying when he spoke of the Doctor’s most secret desires. 

In private quiet moments he had fantasized about holding her, touching her, loving her. Deep in his hearts, he wanted to cross every barrier with her and experience everything that a could develop out of their unique relationship. He thought of lazy days, wrapped in each other, when they barely made it out of bed. And watching her belly grow with a life they created, because together they could find a way, competing biology be damned. He had dreamed of a towheaded Time Tot with Rose’s eyes and smile, toddling after his adored mummy. He could just about picture the look of serenity on her face as she smiled at him over the head of this imaginary child, contentment and love filling her eyes. They were silly fantasies but they were pure. 

The Doctor rubbed a hand over the back of his neck, his cheeks heating. Maybe the Master was right. Maybe he had spent too long around humans but, to his mind, he was searching for the same thing that any other sentient being in the universe searched for...meaning. He was trying to find meaning in this never-ending existence, a purpose, somewhere to belong. Who could blame him for that? There were worst places to find it than in the arms of this incredible woman. Even though most of his people would beg to differ. That should mean something to him and yet, his hands itched for her. They ached to feel her solid form, to take her weight and measure, to prove with his fingertips that she was real. 

This was why he questioned if bathing her was a good idea. He always had a difficult time resisting her, even as the bad-tempered Northerner with the satellites for ears. This would be beyond temptation; this would be Rose Tyler naked and pliant in a bath, enjoying the freedom of running his hands over every inch of her skin, with the added complication of having her in his head. He would be able to feel her arousal and she _might_ be able to feel his. Gods this bond, it was impossible to fight. It shouldn’t exist in the first place but he had no control where she was concerned. 

He had asked the TARDIS about it and, according to her, he initiated this bond when he absorbed Vortex energy from her on Game Station. It was tricky thing, dealing with the power of the Vortex and the mischievousness of his beautiful ship…wishes sometimes became a reality and all he wished was to make her his. He wanted her, needed her. As man who lost everything only to be gifted with the affection of this precious human female, it was important that she belong to him…as he belonged to her. So he asked and Rose accepted; even if neither was completely conscious of doing so. He couldn’t regret it though and, now that she was a full telepath, he could feel the soft gentle presence of her mind nestled against his. It was beautiful. _She_ was beautiful. 

Rose was prone to wearing her emotions on her sleeve. She had a hard time hiding her true feelings. Even under normal circumstances, her eyes were a dead giveaway but this… this kind of intimacy was overwhelming. She was such a new telepath, so innocently untrained. He could feel almost all of her emotions and even glean some of her thoughts but, what humbled him, was that her mind shone with her love for him all the time. It was always there, even when coupled with anger and frustration, even as she was yelling at him in the med bay. It was always there. He adored that…unconditional love…was there anything sweeter? It made him feel safe but it didn’t mean he deserved it…or her, as evidenced by his appalling treatment of her today.

The sound of running water in the en suite halted and stirred him from his musings. He ran a hand over his face, both relishing and dreading the task ahead of him. It couldn’t be helped. Rose was covered in blood and dirt; she deserved to be clean before she went to bed. He would just have to find a way to get through it without crossing any boundaries. Right now, all that mattered was Rose’s wishes. 

He approached his bed, determined to be detached and professional, but, as he gazed down at her, she gave a contented sigh. The Doctor’s hearts thumped in his chest and he knelt beside her, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. She leaned into his touch and a wave of possessiveness flooded him. She was his and he was hers…it was such a fulfilling and dangerous thought. 

“Rose,” he whispered, stroking her cheek. 

‘Mmm, Theta,” she murmured without stirring.

He shook his head, sure that he had misheard her. There was no way that she could know that name and he dismissed it out of hand. “Come on, sweetheart. Wake up for me,” the Doctor cooed, kissing her cheek.

Rose’s lids fluttered, revealing beautiful hazel eyes still glazed from sleep. She graced him with a soft smile. “Hello.”

“Hello.”

Her eyes focused, the haze of sleep clearing, and then they were filling with tears. She reached out to him, running her fingers over his cheek. “Oh Doctor, I’m so sorry. The things I said, I didn’t-“

“Shh, shh,” he soothed, wiping the tears from her skin. “It’s okay, Rose. Everything is okay.”

“No its not Doctor. I yelled at you, I hurt you. I’m…”

“Stop,” he cut her off. “I can’t see you cry anymore tonight, please. I’ve missed your smile too much.” 

He wanted to kick himself after the corny sentiment. It seemed that he couldn’t help leaning into this new aspect of their relationship. It was natural, like breathing. Rose blushed, the color spreading across her cheeks and down her neck. The Doctor followed it with his eyes, wishing he could feel the heat of her flushed skin against his tongue. Would her breasts be pink with her blush? He shifted, certain parts of his anatomy stirring at his thoughts. This wasn’t going well.

Rose nodded, sniffling. “Okay, I’ll try.”

“Yeah?”

“Mmhmm.”

“That’s my girl,” he praised with a kiss to her forehead. “Now sit up for me.”

She groaned as he helped her upright. 

“How are you feeling,” he asked, concerned by the slump of her shoulders and the grimace on her face.

“My whole body hurts,” she grumbled. “My skin is even achy and my head is throbbing.”

“I’m sure we can do something about that.”

“Why are we in your room,” Rose asked, bleary-eyed.

He sighed, “It was the only room she would give me.” His irritation with the TARDIS must have shown because she frowned.

“Oh, don’t be cross with her,” she slurred with fatigue. “The poor love is still recovering from what that bad man did to her. She’s good. She’s a good, beautiful girl.”

“You’re both my good beautiful girls.” She gave him a shy, tender smile and he cleared his throat. “Come on, let’s get you that bath you asked for.”

“Really, I think I’m okay now. I’ll just hop in the shower.”

“Rose, you’re exhausted. You can’t even stand or take more than two steps without falling on your arse. You asked for a bath and I aim to please.” 

“But Doctor…I’ll be…naked,” she said, once again turning the color of her namesake. 

Oh, he was all too aware of that. Already, he couldn’t keep his eyes from the toned length of her legs and another blush across her skin had his mouth watering for a taste. She knew that he was watching her. She could feel his gaze and it alone was lighting an ember of desire within her. He could feel it, felt drugged by it. What was wrong with him? Maybe it was because he hadn’t seen her in so long and he missed her so much but that didn’t mean he could act like some hormone-crazed, human teenager. He was a nine hundred-year-old Time Lord, for Rassilon’s sake. He could control his libido, couldn’t he?

“Rose, we lived together for two years and you were the most jeopardy friendly of all of my companions. I spent most of our time together mending injuries on every part of your body. I’ve seen almost everything there is to see,” the Doctor replied, more confident than he felt. 

“Well yeah, but the bits you haven’t seen are the important ones,” she pointed out. 

_Touché._ “What kind of doctor would I be if I couldn’t handle the sight of a naked human body?”

Rose was silent for several seconds, studying the validity of his claim. “Okay. But don’t blame me if I do something mad and beg you to kiss me.” 

“You wouldn’t have to beg,” he mumbled. 

“What?”

He coughed. “Nothing. Now, hands on my shoulders.”

She obeyed and never took her eyes from his as he lifted the hem of her ruined shirt. He tried not to linger…really, he did …but he couldn’t help it and, as his fingers skimmed over her rib cage, she shivered. He pulled the shirt over her head and threw it in the direction of his wardrobe. The Doctor made sure to keep his eyes on her face as he slipped his hand up her back and flicked the clasp of her bra. He drew it down her arms and discarded it before hooking his fingers in her knickers. Rose’s eyes were dark as he drew the scrap of material down her legs with trembling fingers. 

He tossed them into the same corner and faced her with a confident smirk. "See? Fine.”

She gave a throaty chuckle that felt like a physical caress. “Yeah, I would believe that more if not for the intense heated eye contact. You haven’t even glanced.” 

“Just trying to be polite,” he replied, scooping her up into his arms and striding to the bathroom.

“You know, I think this is the first time you ever carried me naked in your arms.”

“There’s a first time for everything.” He was trying to sound flippant and unaffected but the quiver in his voice said he was failing miserably. 

“Hopefully not a last,” she quipped without missing a beat.

He stuttered to a stop and glanced down at her in disbelief. “Rose Tyler!”

“I told you I was bound to say a few mad things,” she teased as he placed her into the amber and myrrh scented water.

Great, how was he supposed to resist her after a bath when she smelled all sweet, sultry and tempting? “What makes them mad?”

Her laugh turned into a moan, her body going boneless in the heat of the water. “You have too much damned, sainted, self-control for anything to come of it.”

“I never felt like I had any self-control when it came to you.” He stood and his eyes caught on a glass bottle of painkillers next to his sink. He smiled, tossing another quick note of thanks to his clever ship, as he snatched it off the counter. “Here open up.” She opened her mouth and he placed a white tablet on her tongue. “Don’t swallow. Let it melt.”

“Yes, Doctor,” she purred and then hummed as the medicine began to take effect. “Hmmm. You gave me the good stuff.”

“Only the best for you, Rose Tyler.” He kneeled by her head and started pouring water over her hair.

“Are you really going to wash me?”

“Yes,” he replied, as he began working soap into her scalp. “I told you I would.”

“This has to be a dream, right? I mean this is too good to be real,” she fretted with a pout. “I’m going to wake up tomorrow in the same hellscape that I spent the last two years of my miserable life in.”

“Where have you been,” he asked, his curiosity getting the better of him. Her shoulders went rigid with tension and he could feel sheer panic seep from her mind. “Hey, it’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it right now. Just relax, Rose. I understand your skepticism but this is all very real. You’re here with me on the TARDIS. You’re home, sweetheart.” 

She was quiet for several moments before her body relaxed. “That’s the second time you’ve called me sweetheart.”

His cheeks felt hot. “I’m sorry. Is that wrong, or clichéd, or…”

“No, no, I like it.” She looked up at him with a soft smile. 

The Doctor swallowed and resisted the urge to fidget. “Good. Now I need you to close your eyes.”

She acquiesced and he rinsed the suds from her tresses before grabbing the bottle of conditioner. As he worked the silky substance into her hair, his brow furrowed with curiosity. Where had she been? What had happened to her? What had he left her to? He fell into a heavy silence, his mind whirling with possibilities as he kneaded Rose’s scalp and neck, until she released a breathy sigh. 

“Mmm, that’s brilliant,” she breathed. 

The Doctor paused, his thoughts snapping back to the wet and very naked woman beneath his hands. He softened, smiling at her soft sighs of contentment, as he brushed his thumb along the curve of her neck and fought the urge to place a kiss against her soft wet skin. Instead he pressed deeper into the tight muscle, following it up her neck and into her hair. Rose groaned, passing a shudder from her body into his. 

That was the most beautiful sound in the universe…like candy for his ears. He wanted to hear it a million times more but in a different context. He wanted to trace the delicate shell of her ear with his tongue, trail kisses down her neck and across her collarbone. He wanted to lift her onto the edge of the tub and delve his tongue through the wet heat of her. His ears would have a symphony of her moans and cries. He would suckle that bundle of nerves between her thighs and she would come apart under his tongue, screaming out his name as he drank down her orgasm like honey. 

“Doctor.”

“Yes, Rose,” he replied, voice roughened by desire. 

She was trembling under his touch and, for a second, he worried that she was cold. “Either do those things or stop thinking about them. It’s torture.”

_Fuck!_ The Doctor hissed. _Could she hear what he’d been thinking?_

“Yes,” she panted. 

He snatched his hands back and jumped to his feet, flushing with embarrassment. “Shit! Rose, it just slipped out. I’m sorry.”

She looked up with understanding and reached out to grab his hand. “Hey, it’s okay. Don’t leave.” She tugged on his fingers. “It happens to all of us, yeah?”

He reluctantly resumed his position, a supplicant at her side, and rested his chin on the rim of the tub. “It happens to humans.”

“Are you really saying that Time Lords and Ladies never…_ever?_” 

He rubbed a hand over the back of his neck, cringing with embarassment. “We didn’t need to reproduce that way. I’m not saying that it never happened but it was frowned upon. We arrogantly thought ourselves above such…appetites.”

She grimaced. “You sound like a repressed people.”

He barked out a laugh in surprise. “You have no idea.”

“That’s unhealthy,” she replied, running a single finger down his sideburn, following the line of his jaw to his chin and then up to trace his bottom lip. “Who knows what kind of kinks you have locked up in that head of yours.”

He nipped at her fingertip and she yelped in surprise, snatching it back. “Once again, you have no idea. Now, let me finish up.”

He rinsed the conditioner from her hair, combing his fingers through the now silky strands, and then lathered up a flannel while she washed her face. He ran the cloth over each of her arms and hands, paying special attention to clear the dirt from under her nails. He could feel Rose’s dark eyes on him and, like a coward, he refused to meet them when he ran the soapy flannel over her breasts, rasping the material against her taut nipples. She sucked in a sharp breath and the Doctor stifled a groan of need. This was ridiculous. Why was he even fighting this? He just got her back. They had saved the planet. Did they not deserve a single moment where the universe didn’t weigh on them? Could they not, for one night, just be the woman of his dreams and the man who adored her? 

His throat felt dry and he continued down her stomach, avoiding the juncture between her thighs as he rubbed down the length of her legs. He didn’t even realize that his hands were trembling until he grasped one of her feet and began washing each of her delicate toes. Love and lust were growing to eclipse any other emotion in Rose’s mind, even if her body was still kitten weak. Her desire overwhelmed him and a delightful rush of hormones worked its way through his blood stream. They dulled his reason and he grew hard, unable to fight his body’s reaction to her forever. 

Rose broke the tense heavy silence. “You could tell me you know.” 

“Tell you what,” he rumbled, meeting her sultry gaze and placing a deliberate kiss to the arch of her foot. 

Her breath hitched and several quick vibrant thoughts flickered through her mind but she never focused on one for long. “Your kinks. You never know I might be up for a few of them. I have a few myself.”

“Is that why you’re trying so hard to keep your mind clear,” he asked, slipping his fingers along her ankle and up her calf. “You don’t want me to know your kinks?”

“Partly,” she admitted, squeezing her eyes shut as his fingers traced her knee. “I also don’t want to make you uncomfortable but you’re not helping.” 

“I’m not really trying to anymore.”

Her honey gold eyes flew open and he leaned forward, claiming her lips in a searing kiss of desperation. His control was left in tatters on the floor and he felt like he was drowning in her. Rose’s lips were warm, soft, giving against the pressure of his. And her taste, gods her taste, she tasted sweet and spicy like something forbidden. It was intoxicating; _she_ was intoxicating. He nipped at her plush bottom lip and, when she moaned into his mouth, he lost touch with reality. All that existed was Rose and this kiss that spiraled out of control. He needed more. _More._ He wanted her pressed against him where he could feel every one of her soft curves. 

His hand found her hip in the water and he dragged her closer until he encountered the barrier of the tub. _No problem._ Rose’s gasp of surprise made tingles run up his spine as he crawled over the edge and into the water, fully clothed, where he could feel all of her alabaster skin. Water sloshed over the rim and his fingers danced up her side. He couldn’t decide where to start. His thumb brushed across her pert nipple and she cried out against his lips. Rose pulled away from him to suck in a breath, leaving him to trail kisses down her neck.

“Doctor, humans still have to breathe.” Her mind was foggy with desire and exhaustion, her muscles trembling with fatigue as she clung to him. 

He paused, resting his brow against her collarbone, exhaling shaky breaths against her sweet skin. “I’m sorry.”

Pulling back, he braced his weight above her and lost his breath. She was stunning. Her lips were red, swollen from his kisses, and her skin was flushed a dusky pink. Her dark eyes flicked to his mouth and she lifted her hand to twine into his hair, urging him back down. He resisted… but only just. 

“Where are you going,” she asked, panicked. “Don’t leave.”

He gave a breathless chuckle. “Rose I’m soaking, you’re exhausted. Its just terrible timing.” He lumbered out of the bath, wringing water from his shirt.

“You are a literal Lord of Time. How is it possible for you to have bad timing,” she growled in frustration. 

He laughed and grabbed her towel. “That’s not how it works. Now come on, out of the tub before you shrivel up into nothing.” 

“I think I’m in more danger of spontaneous combustion.”

He let her use his shoulder as a crutch and helped her from the bath, wrapping the towel around her chest. He scooped her into his arms and walked her to the bed again. “Wait here. I need to change and find something for you to wear.”

Rose’s bottom lip protruded in a pretty pout. “But…”

“No buts,” he cut her off with a quick kiss. “You’re still recovering.” 

She fell back on the mattress with a sigh and he entered his wardrobe, pulling off his sodden clothes. He threw them in the hamper and selected a pair of gray flannel bottoms.

“I really think I’m fine Doctor.” Rose called from the other room and he rolled his eyes. 

Several seconds passed before he heard a muffled thump and yanked the trousers on in a flurry. He rushed out to see her in a naked tangle of limbs on the floor, her towel strewn about her. “Rose!”

“I’m fine,” she insisted, as he knelt beside her. 

She took him by surprise, launching into his arms and sending his butt to the floor with a soft thud. The tantalizing softness of her breasts came to rest against his chest and, with every inch of naked skin that met, their connection strengthened, twining their minds closer together. She was irresistible…gloriously soft and so _fucking_ warm. Her touch felt like a brand and everything went a little foggy. 

The Doctor wrapped an arm around her waist, hauling her onto his lap until she straddled his hips. Rose gasped and when they locked eyes, her enchanting wide grin made his hearts skip several beats. He reached up and tangled his fingers in the caramel colored hair at the back of her neck, pulling her toward him. Just before their lips met, she turned away and released a jaw-cracking yawn. 

“Ignore that,” she whispered, pressing her lips to the corner of his mouth. 

If only he could. He struggled to his feet, pulling Rose up with him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and tempted him into a deep kiss. The Doctor walked her backwards two steps when her legs gave way. Together they stumbled toward the bed and landed on the edge of the mattress. Kneeling between her thighs, he braced himself above her. Rose’s half-lidded eyes flicked over him, leaving tingles everywhere they touched. Arousal was flowing from her mind and it almost drowned him. He leaned down for one last all-consuming kiss and pulled away. 

“Stay,” he rumbled. 

She licked her lips. “Yes, Doctor.”

He moved to stand but was momentarily entranced by the way her breasts moved with each of her shuddering exhalations. Her creamy skin glowed against his dark blue duvet, and her nipples pearled like frosted strawberries under his gaze. He leaned down and pulled one between his lips, rolling it over his tongue. Rose cried out, her small hands fisting in his hair holding him in place as he suckled his new candy. He released it with a soft pop and surveyed his work before blowing a cool breath across her skin. Goose flesh followed in its wake and she shivered. 

“Don’t stop.”

How could he? He was intoxicated by the taste of her skin and felt he would quickly become addicted. The Doctor placed a kiss to the valley between her breasts and continued down, dropping a wet kiss every few inches until he found her belly button and swirled his tongue inside. She moaned and wriggled, begging him to continue. He obliged her, holding her hips immobile as he placed a kiss just above her pubic bone. She sucked in a breath and he looked up into her hungry gaze. She was fucking gorgeous and wanton for him but the circles around her eyes were still dark, the delicate skin puffy. Drawing on the last of his self-control, he used his grip on her hips to help push him upright and walked away to the wardrobe.

He heard her screech in frustration and slam a fist down on the bed. “Damn you, Time Lord!”

The Doctor chuckled, even as his hands still shook from touching her. He flexed his fingers as a shiver tripped its way down his spine. He inhaled a deep centering breath and tried so very hard to calm his chaotic thoughts. He grabbed the first t-shirt he saw off the shelf and threw it on, hoping that having some skin covered might cool his ardor. Spying a silver nightgown hanging next to his shirts, he pulled it down and ran the silken fabric between his fingers. Wearing this, she would look like a glowing star in his bed. He grinned and practically skipped out of the doorway.

He felt Rose’s frustrated glare as soon as he entered his bedroom again and held up the gown as a peace offering. “Found you something to wear.”

“Great,” she drawled. “Let’s put on more clothes.”

The Doctor choked on a laugh and her eyes narrowed on him. “Sit, arms up.”

She complied and sighed as the material fluttered over her curves, before scooting back against his pillows. He was right; she did look like a star. He tried to imprint the image in his mind, minus her petulant frown. He pulled down the duvet and snuggled up beside her, her back to his chest. She whimpered and he nuzzled against her neck pressing a kiss to her ear. 

“Please don’t be cross with me,” he begged, brushing strands of hair from her cheeks. 

“I’m not cross, I’m just...frustrated. You should understand,” she grumbled, rocking back against his prominent erection as if to prove a point.

The Doctor moaned against her neck, nipping at the tender flesh in retaliation. “Rose, you are so exhausted.”

“I’m fine,” she whinged. “Well, actually that’s not true. I’m miserable. I’m hot, itchy, and my skin feels too tight. How am I supposed to sleep now?”

He was quiet for several moments contemplating his options. Her discomfort was obvious and desperation rolled off of her in waves. He couldn’t leave her like this. It was cruel, or at least that’s what he told himself. Privately, he could admit that he just couldn’t keep his hands off of her. 

“Relax,” he whispered in her ear as he drew the hem of her nightgown up to her waist.

She trembled in his arms, her breath coming in quick shallow pants as he hooked her leg over his hip. 

“Relax Rose,” he groaned against her skin as he trailed his fingers across her calf, over her knee, and up her inner thigh.

“How,” she whimpered. “How am I supposed to relax? Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve done this with anyone? Or how long I’ve dreamed about...”

She trailed off and he paused. Rolling her to her back, he propped his head up on the heel of his palm so he could see her clearly. Rose’s lashes fluttered open and she flushed under his heated gaze.

“What,” she panted.

“How long?” His fingertips began a slow circle on her belly and her muscles quivered. 

“How long what? How long has it been since someone touched me like this? Or how long have I wanted to fuck you?” Rose shook her head, licking her lips in frustration. “Doesn’t matter, the answer is pretty much the same: since we met. How could I be with anyone else? I’ve been yours since ‘run.’”

He leaned down and captured her lips in a deep kiss. Rose moaned against his mouth, writhing against him as his fingers moved lower, sifting through the curls between her thighs. He could smell her arousal in the air and feel it running rampant in her mind. In her impatience, she nipped at his bottom lip and he pulled away just enough to whisper, “Again. Tell me again.”

Rose curled her fingers in his hair and tugged, releasing an impatient huff. He grunted, rocking his erection against her hip. “Oh for fuck’s sake Doctor,” she whimpered in exasperation. “I’m yours. I’ve always been yours. You know that. Now please, please, touch me.”

The Doctor’s answering chuckle quickly melted into a moan when his fingers slid through her silken folds and found that she was already wet, soaking his hand. Spellbound by the way her body moved, he pushed one finger inside her, then another. Rose whimpered and grabbed his shoulder, bracing herself for the pleasure to come. She was tight around his fingers, so tight, and he tried not to think about how easy it would be to kick off his trousers and slip inside her. The constant pressure of her curves against his straining erection was torture and the images flicking through her feverish mind had him panting in tandem with her, rendering his respiratory bypass completely useless. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to engage it. He was too caught up in this moment, too caught up in her. 

His steady even pace was driving Rose mindless. She rocked against his fingers like a wanton, urging him to go faster, but there was no chance of that happening. If he was going to give himself this one moment, then he was going to squeeze every single second of pleasure out of it that he could. He wanted to remember every little detail; the way her brow furrowed over her glazed eyes, the way she bit at her lip to try and contain her cries and moans. It was easily the most arousing thing he had ever seen and he needed to commit it all to memory.   
When at last he circled her clit with his thumb, Rose called out for him, screwing her eyes shut. That wouldn’t do. He wanted to see her come undone, to see the look in her eyes as he brought her to completion. 

“Rose, look at me.”

Her eyes flew open and focused on him, a question in their amber depths.

“Don’t close your eyes, okay? I-I need to see you.”

She nodded and he rewarded her by quickening his pace until her entire body was quivering. He could feel her orgasm building, coiling like a spring in her belly. She was drifting on the precipice, so ready to fall. And with next pass of his thumb against the over-sensitized bundle of nerves between her thighs, she exploded, crying out his name. She kept her word, her eyes never leaving his as the pleasure of her orgasm crashed over both of them. It took him by surprise and the Doctor groaned, pressing his forehead to hers as sparks of bliss and satisfaction fizzled through his mind, curling his toes. When the haze of her pleasure cleared, it left them both panting for breath.

“Fuck,” she gasped. 

He chuckled breathlessly. “Yeah.”

She cupped his cheek, cradling him close, and placed a tender kiss to his lips. On instinct, he deepened it until they were wrapped around each other. At last, she pulled away gasping for breath and he smiled. 

“Are you okay,” he asked, rubbing the tip of his nose against hers. 

Rose hummed. “I’m absolutely brilliant.”

“Good.” 

He kissed her cheek and scooted off of the bed but was stopped short by her grip on his arm. Rose looked scared, as if she expected him to bolt from the room at any second. Normally, that would be a safe bet but tonight…no. Tonight, he didn’t want to leave her side. The consequences of their actions could wait until morning. Tonight, he just wanted to hold her.

“Don’t worry,” he assured her. “I’ll be right back.”

She looked unsure, worrying her bottom lip with her teeth. 

He smiled and leaned forward to place another kiss to her pouty lips. “I’ll be right back, Rose.” 

She nodded and he made his way to the en suite. He washed his hands and grabbed the damp flannel off of the edge of the bath. He returned and uncomfortably held it out to her in offering. She blushed and accepted it with a mumbled thank you. The Doctor turned away, giving her a modicum of privacy to clean herself up. When she cleared her throat, he whipped around, grabbing it from her and rushing to his wardrobe where he threw it into his hamper. When he returned, Rose was lying on her side, her eyes already closed. He slipped under the covers and she snuggled up against him. He smiled and wrapped an arm around her back, pulling her closer. She sighed in contentment, nuzzling into his chest. 

His hearts felt full to bursting as he pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. “Good night, Rose.”

“Good night, Theta. Love you,” she slurred before she slipped into slumber, warming him from the inside out.

His brow furrowed. He definitely hadn’t misheard her this time; she called him Theta. Where in the world had she heard that name? He thought about waking her to ask but dismissed it immediately. She was finally relaxed and sleeping. Whatever he needed to ask her could wait until tomorrow. So she knew an old nickname, it wasn’t the end of the universe. 

The Doctor reclined against his pillow, staring at the ceiling still in awe of the night’s events. That was…that was…he grinned. _Fantastic._ He dreamed of seeing her come apart like that for years but the reality far exceeded his expectations. The Doctor tried to temper the smile on his face but it was useless. He regarded the exhausted woman at his side with unexpected masculine satisfaction and…unease. She liked his touch. She had screamed his name and pledged herself as his. For another moment like that, what wouldn’t he give? He looked down at her flushed face, relaxed in sleep, and saw his answer. He was in so much trouble.


	18. If You Had Waited One More Season

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor and Rose have some therapeutic dreams and learn things about each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I feel like I need to explain something up front. This whole chapter is filled with dreams of different kinds. I like to use italics to indicate that it is a dream, as I have in the past. It just feels more dreamy. However, I don't to use italics during Rose's dreams (or unconscious conversations) with the TARDIS. This is because I want the TARDIS to be seen as a concrete character in the story and, for some reason, putting it in italics feels like it would diminish that imo . So, if you are wondering why the dreams with the TARDIS are not in italics, that's the reason. It's a stylistic choice but I hope it makes sense.  
Also, I'm sorry this has taken so long but real life has been a trip. On the upside, I planned my sister's baby shower and it went off without a hitch. It was beautiful. You know, just in case any of you are curious about my mundane life. Lol. Not that you should be. Okay...I've nattered on long enough. I hope you enjoy! Thanks to all of you for sticking with me. :)
> 
> _He regarded the exhausted woman at his side with unexpected masculine satisfaction and…unease. She liked his touch. She had screamed his name and pledged herself as his. For another moment like that, what wouldn’t he give? He looked down at her flushed face, relaxed in sleep, and saw his answer. He was in so much trouble._

Rose’s eyelids fluttered open due to the uncanny feeling of being watched. She was still in the Doctor’s room, could feel his solid weight at her back and his even puffs of cool breath against her neck. He held onto her for dear life, his grip around her waist uncompromising. It made her feel safe, protected, and she almost slipped back into unconsciousness but her sleep heavy eyes caught on the woman with dark curly hair perched at the foot of the bed. It was the TARDIS…so she was already unconscious or semi-conscious. The woman in the tattered dress smiled her gentle smile and moved closer to grab one of her hands. 

“How are you feeling, Rose?”

“Tired,” she grumbled. “M’trying to sleep.”

“I warned you about the Vortex’s energy draining you.”

“Yes, you did and you were right but what was I supposed to do. He begged me to try. You know what that’s like. How could I refuse him?”

The dark haired woman gave a tinkling chuckle. “Yes much the way he will when he could lose you. I will be there.”

Rose’s brow furrowed. “There are too many verb tenses in that sentence.”

“Yes, of course, verb tenses are irrelevant and unnecessary.”

She gave a jaw-cracking yawn and rolled her eyes. “The Doctor says that you exist throughout all of time and space simultaneously so I would assume they are. Why are you here now?”

“The calm before the storm…or is it after? I wanted to see my Thief and my Wolf at peace before your choices set you on a tumultuous path.”

Rose was listening at full attention now. “What do you mean? What tumultuous path? How can we avoid it?”

“Pride is your besetting sin…his too.”

“You’re not going to tell me, are you?”

She sighed, patting Rose’s hand. “We are the sum of our choices, little wolf.”

“Is that supposed to mean something to me? Is it important?”

“Yes, but no I was not here to warn you about the future. I was here to warn you about the present. You will hear me soon say that I am bolstering your telepathic abilities.”

“You already told me that.”

“Yes, well I thought the reminder prudent since I am no longer doing so.”

“What? Why?”

She gave Rose a deprecating glance. “Because you must learn to control your abilities on your own. You need to practice and you will need my Thief’s help. He will be able to teach you and you must learn to work together again. It will not be easy.”

“Is that why he can hear some of my thoughts but I can’t hear his,” she asked. “Seems unfair.”

“You’ll be able to hear some his thoughts if he isn’t guarding them but, in general, no. He is an experienced telepath with formidable barriers. You will need to use that experience to your benefit. Rose, you must understand that you are a singular being in the universe. You have a mind, an essence, that is connected to the Time Vortex, much like I am. Except, unlike me, you are still human and the force of that power can burn right through you. So if you choose to open that door, to tap into it that power, you need to know how to close it again. Do you understand?”

“Why can’t you just get rid of it? Cut off the connection completely?”

The TARDIS frowned. “You made your choice little wolf. You wanted forever. He asked and you accepted that place in his life. Are you changing your mind?”

“No! No. I just...isn’t there another way?”

“Of course, there is always another path,” she replied. “Humans found many ways of extending their lifespans but I don’t think you would be pleased with the results.”

Rose thought about Cassandra and shivered in distaste. She did not want to end up like that. “Maybe you’re right.”

“I am.” She brushed a lock of hair off Rose’s cheek with a fond (if sad) smile.

“You’re saying goodbye,” she realized. 

“You will not interact with me in this form for a while, no.”

“Why?”

She sighed. “Many reasons… you both need to learn to depend on each other without my interference. I won’t always be with you. And even though it may not seem like it, this is difficult for me. Interacting with you like this is engendering emotions within me that I am not equipped to handle. I don’t know what kind of toll it will take.”

“If it could hurt you then why? Why do all of this?”

“I’ve already told you,” she replied. 

“You love him.”

The woman’s eyes sparkled. “I have great affection for you both. You belong to me but my Thief…” She glanced over Rose’s shoulder at the Doctor and a gentle smile graced her pale features. “He saved me. I was set for decommissioning… deemed too willful.” They shared a chuckle. “We stole each other and saw the universe. He saved me and you…you saved him, Rose Tyler. You reached him in a time when I could not”

“Surely you could have if you came to him like this.”

The TARDIS’ dark curls were dancing across her shoulders while she shook her head. “I don’t need to project myself this way with him. No offense but humans have a very limited view of time, life, and communication. It is easier for your mind to process my existence this way.”

“Oh yes, that’s not offensive at all,” Rose drawled, careful not to squirm too much with the man at her back.

The TARDIS stood from the bed sighing. “It wasn’t meant to be. It’s just a statement of fact. Don’t forget little wolf that you and my Thief are not even the same species. You are compatible, don’t misunderstand, but your cultures…well it would be like comparing me to an Apollo spacecraft. Both are amazing advancements in science and exploration but in different ways.”

Rose turned this over in her head. She was right. Sometimes in the rush of adventures, she forgot that the Doctor wasn’t human and she shouldn’t expect him to act as such. “I understand.”

“Good.” The woman’s dark eyes became vacant as if receiving a message from the great beyond.

“What is it?”

She hummed in displeasure. “I will never understand why he likes to dwell on such unpleasant things.”

“Who? The Doctor?”

“Mmmm. You need to go.”

“Wait but-“ Her response was little more than a muffled slur as her eyelids drooped again.

“Don’t worry, Rose. I’m always here if you really need me,” she assured, as she stood at the side of the bed, stroking her hair.

“Wait! I juss’ wan’ you to know, he wouldn’t like you if you weren’.”

“Weren’t what?”

“Willful. I know he makes a fuss but is jus a show,” she replied. “He wouldn’t have you any other way.”

“I suppose you’re right little wolf.” The TARDIS gave her a tender smile. “Now go on, he needs you.”

Rose tried to push words past her lips and failed as she fell into a deeper slumber

\---------------------------------------

_Her surroundings faded away and reformed from the ether. She lay on something soft, springy and little wet…not unpleasant but it wasn’t the bed on the TARDIS. She must be dreaming still and it was probably the Doctor’s dream. She knew the feel of them by now. Sitting up, she opened her eyes and found herself in a dark but familiar forest. Moonlight filtered through the trees and the accompanying breeze made their leaves glint brilliant silver, like little stars hung in the branches. She stood and reached out, cradling one of the sparkling leaves in her palm. It was cool against her skin and fragile, as if it were made from sugar. She wondered if it would dissolve into sweetness on her tongue. Rose knew this place but it didn’t inhibit her awe at its’ beauty. Gallifrey…the way the Doctor remembered it._

_She took a step and started at the feel of her bare feet against the ground. Where were her trainers? And what was she wearing? She was dressed in a long gossamer gown, a posh replica of the silver nightgown she wore to bed, and it trailed at least a foot behind her when she took a step. It was lighter and finer than silk and kissed her skin as if it were only a passing breeze. The bodice was snug; the neckline scooped low, and was fastened around her neck leaving her shoulders down to very low back bare. It was beautiful but, all in all, revealed more than it covered and was ridiculous if she ever needed to run in this dream._

_Putting her attire from her mind, Rose cast her gaze about. Where was the Doctor? This was his home after all but this dream was different from the others. It didn’t feel like a memory. It felt alive, vivid in its colors, scents, and textures. The forest was still and peaceful, the air pure and sweet on her tongue. She took another step and gasped at the soft, cool grass, so lush and dewy between her toes. It was all too real._

_The breeze shuddered through the trees again, bringing with it a familiar whisper, “Rose.”_

_Rose’s heart stopped. The Doctor was calling to her; the TARDIS said he needed her. Her anxious feet flew across the grass, following the soft breeze through the trees. She ran through thickets and brambles, catching her long flowing hair in the branches but she couldn’t stop. She needed to find him. Rose ran until she reached the edge of the forest where a strange light flickered between the tree trunks, giving her pause._

_“Rose,” she heard again and her reservations fell to the side as she broke through the tree line._

_She came to a standstill, arrested by the sight in front of her. She was in a familiar meadow. The spring bubbled at its center, feeding the meandering stream that roamed through the long dark grasses and into the trees. In a small clearing by the bank, towering over everything, was a large bonfire, a white bandage wrapped body hidden within the flames. It billowed smoke up to a night sky filled with millions of bright stars and two moons. One was similar to Earth’s in size and color but the other was larger than a harvest moon and cast a copper glow on the world below; the leaves in the trees reflecting the color back as if in answer. _

_This place. It may look different in the dark but she could never forget these rolling grasses. It was their place…the Doctor’s and the Master’s. Two young boys had once roamed these hills in the throes of childhood, unaware of the unfortunate fate that awaited them. Rose looked back to the fire, a frown on her lips as she spotted the lone, dark figure standing beside it, glaring at the flames._

_“Doctor,” she breathed and his head whipped toward the sound of her voice._

_He startled, surprised by her presence but he moved toward her as if pulled by some invisible string. His disheveled appearance, in his gray flannel trousers, white tee, and bare feet, seemed out of place next to the grandeur of the natural beauty around her. It was a testament to how far removed he was from this place and time, from the boy who explored the wilds of this once great world. He stopped in front of her, his face darkened by shadows that could not hide the glittering tears on his cheeks. With a gentle touch, she reached up and brushed them away with her thumb._

_“Rose,” he choked out, turning into her palm, his shaky breaths shuddering across her skin._

_“Doctor, why are you here? Why are you doing this to yourself?”_

_He swallowed. “This is…”_

_“Your home,” she interrupted, voice filled with morose understanding. “This is Gallifrey. And this meadow is where you played, you and Koschei.” She inclined her chin toward the burning fire where she knew the Master’s body lie. “This is your place.”_

_“How do you know all of that?”_

_She winced and reached out for his hands, intertwining their fingers. “This isn’t the first dream we’ve shared.”_

_His brow furrowed in confusion at first but, as he pieced together her meaning, his eyes grew cold and hard. “What? You used this connection to…” He tried to pull away but she kept a firm grasp on him._

_“Wait, wait. Please Theta, don’t be cross.”_

_“Don’t call me that! You invaded my memories without permission. You don’t get to use that information to-“_

_“I didn’t,” she insisted, her voice cracking with angst. “I told her that you wouldn’t appreciate it. I told her that I didn’t want to invade your privacy. I didn’t try to, I swear.”_

_He studied her sincere regret with skepticism. “Told who?”_

_Rose took a deep breath. “The TARDIS.”_

_“What?”_

_He tried to pull away again but she held him fast. They had to get past this hurdle. He was beaten and broken in this moment and she knew he could lash out with anger if she wasn’t careful. “Doctor just sit with me. Please. I’ll explain.”_

_His glare of betrayal was like a shard of ice in her heart but he relented and settled on the grass, staring at the fire with intent determination. He was closed off to her, sitting with his crossed arms on his bent knees. So, she sat beside him and placed a hand on his shoulder.  
He shrugged her off. “Talk.”_

_Rose sighed and told her story about appearing on the TARDIS months ago, about their conversations…how she bridged their connection. She told him about the argument she had with his taciturn ship and how Rose had insisted that she respect his privacy. By the time she was finished, he opened up to her once more, studying her with curiosity, awe and a fair amount of worry._

_“So that’s how you know my nickname…you’ve seen some my memories of the Academy.”_

_She nodded with a wry smile. “It suits you in a strange way. But I can stop calling you by it, if you like. I don’t want to upset you.”_

_“No…it’s alright. I kind of like it. No one has called me by that name in centuries,” he admitted with a small smile and then stiffened. “Have you seen any of my memories of the Time War?”_

_“No,” she replied with a shake of her head. “But I’ve only seen your dreams-when you managed to sleep-and you haven’t been dreaming about that. You’ve been focused on other things…the Master, your childhood, the Academy, Gallifrey…me. You’re homesick and… heartsick.”_

_The Doctor swallowed and looked up at her, vulnerability written in every line of his face. His hands seemed to reach out for her on instinct and, grateful for his renewed trust, Rose pulled him into her arms. He buried his face in her hair and clung to her as if she were his only lifeline, a buoy in the storm. She felt his sob of pain against her shoulder as she cradled him close. Her heart broke and she rocked him, running her hands up and down his back, whispering soothing words in his ear while he fell apart against her. Rose knew this pain. He had lost someone dear and she wanted to be there for him… just as he’d been there for her on the day she watched her father die. She held him until his tears subsided and he pulled back, flushing sheepishly as he tried to put some distance between them. _

_Rose rolled her eyes, tugging on his shirt. “Get over here ya’ plum. You don’t have to be stronger than you really are, not now, not in front of me. You can trust me, remember?”_

_Lips lifting in a sad smile, he scooted toward her little by little until he was sitting between her bent legs with his back to her chest, facing the fire. His shoulders were slumped, as if the universe was crushing him under its weight. Rose wrapped her arms around him and rested her cheek against his temple, continuing her slight back and forth motion. Theta seemed drained by grief as he reclined against her for support. But she could feel that there was still something on his mind, something that twisted through his crowded neural pathways just waiting to escape. _

_At last, he sighed. “I know it seems wrong to mourn him after all the horrible things he did.”_

_Weeks, maybe months ago, she would have felt the need to hear his explanation as to why he held such devotion for this horrible being who destroyed on a whim, for pleasure. But now, seated on the rolling hills of his childhood follies she understood that grief sometimes transcended wrong or right. Rose kissed his temple. “You don’t need to justify it to me or anyone,” she whispered against his skin._

_“Of course I do!” He jerked upright and turned to face her, wiping at the tears on his cheeks with the back of his hand._

_Rose sucked in a breath, seeing in that motion the face of a sandy haired boy with bright blue eyes…the boy he once was. A boy that protected a helpless creature and received a beating from his friend for his efforts. She couldn’t comfort him then but she could now. She reached out and grabbed his hand, rubbing it between both of hers. “You’re allowed to feel grief. You’re allowed to hurt. Everything that you have sacrificed for this universe, you’re allowed to mourn whoever you choose.”_

_“He was my friend.”_

_“I know.”_

_“No matter what else he’d done. He was my friend once and he was all I had left of…” The sentence hung in the air; unfinished but understood by both. He cleared his throat. “I had… I had to burn the Master’s body while you were recovering,” he choked out. “Through it all, I kept wishing that I could put him to rest here at home. But I can’t…because I destroyed it. I destroyed them all. I took that from him…our home.” His entire frame seemed to shake with sorrow and she wanted so badly to gather him close but knew instinctively that he would rebuff her._

_“Doctor…Theta,” she whispered, reaching out to brush a lock of chestnut hair from his forehead. “It was an impossible choice. No one could fault you. You did everything you could.”_

_He jerked away from her touch, anger etched in the anguished lines on his face. “You weren’t there. How could you understand?! I should have done more,” he shouted, slamming his fist against his chest. “I should have tried harder. I should have died with them!”_

_“No!” Rose’s denial came swift and insistent on her lips as she reached for his errant fist and cradled it against her chest._

_His red-rimmed eyes snapped up at her strong refusal and they seemed to pin her in place with accusation._

_“I’m sorry,” she whispered, tears falling onto her trembling lips. “I know that it’s self-serving and I would never wish this pain on you but the thought of never knowing you… it makes me sick. You changed my life. You make me better. I’m a better person for having known you… for having loved you. And I would do almost anything to take this guilt from you but I can’t wish that you died with them. I can’t wish that I’d never met you.”_

_His chocolate eyes drifted over her face, his brows drawn in pain…and understanding. “I’m sorry. I never meant to imply…”_

_“Please.” She sniffled and wiped at her eyes. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m being selfish.”_

_“Selfish?” He lifted his hand from hers to cradle her cheek. “When have you ever been selfish? When have you ever been anything but the best that humanity has to offer?”_

_“If that’s true at all, then its only because I learned it from you.”_

_ He scoffed in disbelief. “No, you didn’t. That’s just who you are, Rose Tyler. I am the selfish one. I saw the Master dying and I stopped thinking about what was best for you. I used you and you almost died because of it.”_

_“Theta, it’s okay,” she whispered. “I understand.”_

_“How? How can you say that,” he asked, confused by her simple absolution._

_“Remember when I killed you, saving my dad? That was pretty selfish,” she replied. _

_“You were trying to save someone you love, Rose.”_

_“Exactly. You were trying to save someone you love. How can I be mad at that?”_

_“It’s not the same. In the end, you had to give up YOUR FATHER to save me and the planet. But I…I almost killed you and for what? The most precious thing in my life and I almost killed you to save someone that could best be described as a psychopath.”_

_Rose sucked in a sharp breath. “I’m the most precious thing in your life?”_

_Theta’s eyes went wide as if scared that he had revealed too much of his aching hearts. He floundered for a response and Rose sighed. She’d be lying if she said that she didn’t want some conscious confession of his feelings but now wasn’t the time. His emotions were raw and if she pushed too hard it could send him bolting from her. It was incredible. He was an alien and yet not that different from any other bloke. The man who rushed off to face Daleks and Cybermen head-on was terrified when it came to discussing his feelings, as if somehow the words alone would shatter him. Still, he had let his guard down more in the last twenty-four hours then he had in the two years that she travelled with him. It was progress. He just needed some time._

_Deciding to let it drop, she gave his hand a gentle tug. “Come here and let me hold you. Let me be there for you the way you have always been there for me. Please?”_

_———————-—————_

_The Doctor eyed her hand, reluctant to accept her consolation but deep down, he just wanted to jump into her arms and allow her to soothe his pain away. How could he deserve that from her, though? Especially after he’d used her for his own purposes and then refused to acknowledge how much she meant to him. She was too good for him and like every time, he knew that he should rebuff her, push her away, but he just couldn’t. In the end he relented, because it was too much temptation. He needed her, needed the comfort only she could provide. He went to his place between her legs and she snuggled him close, resuming her gentle rocking while humming a soothing melody into his ear. Sheltered in her arms, his body relaxed, degree by degree, until he was boneless._

_Gods, what had he ever done to deserve her? This angel who stepped from the forest of his dreams with an otherworldly grace, like a delicate woodland sprite, skin flushed, hair windswept and adorned with silver leaves. How had he ever earned the sympathy and love that flowed from her mind into his, soothing his heavy hearts and lightening his burden? How was he lucky enough to get her back? Not only get her back but now, as if through a miracle, she also filled the silent void in his mind left by the loss of his planet and people. How could she be okay with that connection when she wouldn’t remember consenting to it? _

_He broke the warm silence when his curiosity got the better of him. “So you know something about this bond?”_

_“Mmmhmm,” Rose hummed in response. “I told you I knew a little bit.”_

_“How?”_

_Rose sighed and started to tell him the story about her pain when the walls between the universes sealed and their tedious search for a reason. She told him about her reliance on medication but he knew that she was trying to downplay the extent of her agony. She didn’t want him shouldering the blame for her troubles, blame that rightfully rested at his feet. She told him about the Zarafen, Cora, and receiving the telepathic dampener which was a mild balm to her pained mind. When her story was complete, he sat in silence for several moments, mulling it over._

_“The Zarafen…they’re not as helpful in this universe.”_

_“No,” she asked. “You have first hand experience with them?”_

_He shrugged. “A little but it’s not important. I’m sorry that I put you through that. It must have been excruciating.”_

_“You didn’t put me through anything,” she assured him. “It wasn’t that bad.”_

_“Liar. It would have been agony. I’m just not sure how I escaped it.”_

_“The TARDIS,” she replied with a gentle kiss to his temple, not knowing that the soft touch only drew their minds closer together. “She said that she protected you from the worst of it.”_

_The Doctor gave a growl of derision. “That doesn’t seem fair. I didn’t deserve that, especially since it was my fault.”_

_“Nothing was your fault.”_

_“It was.”_

_“How?”_

_“I created it,” he admitted, turning toward her but staying close. “Wh-when you came back at Game Station, you had the whole Vortex running through your head. It was killing you and I couldn’t let that happen. I couldn’t watch you die, Rose. I had to save you.”_

_“How? How did you do it?”_

_He swallowed and dropped his eyes. “I-I took it from you.”_

_Realization dawned in her honey gold eyes and she covered her mouth in a silent cry. “I did it, didn’t I? I killed you.”_

_“No, no,” the Doctor answered with an emphatic shake of his head. “Rose, you saved me. If you hadn’t come back I would be really dead, no regenerating.”_

_“But I did that, I… How did you take it from me?”_

_His eyes flickered to hers and away. “There are a few ways.”_

_“Which did you choose?”_

_“I-I-I I kissed you.”_

_Rose drew in a sharp breath, staring out into some unknown point in her past. “I used to have these dreams about you kissing me. I thought I was just being stupid but… So that’s when you created this...this bond?”_

_He nodded. “Dealing with the power of the Vortex is unpredictable. I was trying to save you and at the same time terrified that I was losing you. I was overwhelmed, not thinking clearly. I just wanted you to stay with me. I didn’t mean to do it but I asked…”_

_“And I accepted,” she finished his thought. _

_He stiffened. “Yeah. How did you know?”_

_“Probably the same way you do,” she replied with a wry grin._

_“The TARDIS,” the Doctor groused with a grimace, gracelessly collapsing against her again with a huff. “She sure likes to meddle, even going so far as to hide the damn thing from me. I’m sorry, Rose.” _

_“There’s nothing to be sorry for. You didn’t even know it was there.”_

_“I should have known,” he grumbled. “I should have felt it. I would have-“_

_“Enough of that,” she soothed, running a hand through his hair. “Everything is fine now.”_

_He gave a noncommittal grunt. It wasn’t fine. Her pain was never fine._

_“So, what are these bonds like, for Time Lords that is,” she asked, redirecting his attention from his self-castigation. _

_The Doctor took a deep breath. “They function much the same as mating bonds for any telepathic race, I guess. It happens in stages; maybe a little stronger, deeper. I guess you would call this the ‘courting’ stage.” _

_Rose giggled. “How very refined.” _

_He shrugged. “It wasn’t practiced much on my planet.”_

_“You were all above such appetites?”_

_He gave a weak chuckle. “Something like that. It was considered taboo, needing another being that much. Letting another have that much control over your mind was abhorrent. But I’ve never been very good at following conventions.” _

_Because he needed her, needed her more than he needed air to breathe and it felt like he hadn’t taken a full breath since she left him. He settled more securely against her, wondering if he would ever be close enough or if he would have to crawl inside her very bones to be satisfied. Her arms tightened around him, as if sensing his desires, and placed a chaste kiss just under his ear. _

_“So, I guess you never moved on,” he asked, surprised out how breathless he sounded. “Never started a-a family?”_

_“You know I couldn’t,” she replied, her warm breaths caressing his skin. “Not just because of this connection but…”_

_“But?”_

_“How could I do that to someone, Theta? It wouldn’t be fair. You were always on my mind. I couldn’t devote myself to anyone else…not like they would deserve.”_

_“Your mother must hate me,” he stated with surety. “More than she did before.”_

_“What makes you think that?”_

_“Well, you weren’t able to start over. Find a new man-who would never come close to deserving you-get married and give her lots of grandkids.”_

_He felt Rose’s answering chuckle in his chest. “No. Mum surprisingly understood. She knew what it was like...losing someone she loved. She never pushed me; just let me grieve in my own way. Besides she had another child to give her all the grandchildren that she wanted. No, she loved you all the more. You gave her back everything she wanted in life. You became the patron saint of the Tyler family and I think... I think she missed you too. You were part of our family when I travelled with you and it was strange, not having you around...even for her. I used to come into the kitchen sometimes and catch her staring at the toaster with this nostalgic smile, like she wished you would pop back in one day and blow it to kingdom come.”_

_He barked out a laugh. “That wasn’t one of my better days.”_

_“Nope. But it didn’t matter, she still missed you.”_

_“Was she happy?”_

_“Oh yes, Doctor.” She placed another soft kiss to his neck and gave him a squeeze. “She was very happy. She always said how much she wanted to thank you.”_

_He pulled away just enough where he could turn around and look her in the eye. “And what about you Rose? Were you ever able to find happiness there?”_

_She looked as though she wanted to lie but took a deep breath and glanced away. “There were moments. Even in our darkest times there are moments of joy.”_

_“But overall no.” It was a statement not a question._

_Rose fixed him with her gentle gaze, refusing to show him any of the anger or condemnation that he knew he deserved. “The first year was the hardest. I was in so much pain and I couldn’t sleep very well. It left a lot of time to fill because, as I’m sure you understand, idle time is the worst.”_

_He nodded. Oh yes, he understood._

_“I filled my days with anything I could think of. I trained hard at Torchwood. Pete hired me a private tutor and I finished my A-levels, went to university.”_

_He grinned at her, pride filling his hearts. It never mattered to him that she didn’t go to university. He always thought practical hands on knowledge was better than learning from a textbook but he knew how insecure it made Rose. And she shined with a new self-assurance as she told him about it. “What did you study?”_

_“Practical physics and electrical engineering.” She laughed when his brows shot into his hairline. “Don’t look so shocked, Doctor. You’re gonna give a girl a complex.”_

_“Sorry.” He tried to rearrange his face into something suitably contrite. “It’s just...why?”_

_She shrugged. “There was a really important project being researched at Torchwood and I wanted to be a part of the team but I had to know what I was doing. (Not that it made much of a difference since it failed in the end.) It was difficult and, to be honest, I barely made it through but I got the degree and that’s all that matters. I think it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. You know how much I hate maths.”_

_He chuckled. “Sounds like you did alright.”_

_She tilted her head from side to side. “Some days were better than others. I was working so hard, to near exhaustion. I didn’t sleep even after they gave me sleeping medication. I didn’t like that it made me feel foggy so I didn’t take it. I forgot to eat so I lost a lot of weight. I got a little reckless, bought a bike.” She gave him a tongue touched grin that never failed to make his hearts do flips. “A proper motorcycle; it was blue. I used to love riding that thing, feeling the wind whipping on my cheeks and in my hair. It was lovely.”_

_He raised a disapproving brow and reached forward to tuck a stray strand of that hair behind her ear. “You drove without a helmet? I bet your mother loved that.”_

_Rose rolled her eyes and shook her head. “Yeah, it was after my third accident when I broke my leg that she finally put her foot down. I got the lecture of my life that night.”_

_His brows drew together. “You deserved it.”_

_“She kept saying how disappointed you would be. That you wouldn’t want me living like that, pushing myself to the very limits of what I could endure. She said that you always did everything in your power to keep me safe and I was disrespecting that by being so reckless.”_

_“She was right,” he replied, mouth turned down in a tight frown._

_She looked sheepish. “I know, I’m sorry. I went a little mad, okay? And you’re one to talk. Aren’t you the one who was sacrificing himself to an army of Daleks? You begged them to kill you. Yeah, I saw that memory.”_

_“That’s different,” he replied with a haughty sniff. “I was trying to save people.”_

_“That wasn’t the only reason and you know it. I saw your eyes. You were hoping they would kill you, put you out of your misery. Lie to other people Theta, don’t lie to me. I know you too well. I know that look...maybe on a different face but I know it.”_

_The Doctor ducked from her reproachful stare, rubbing at the back of his neck. “Okay so we both went a little mad.”_

_“Yeah,” she agreed. “But I got better, especially after I met Cora. I sold the bike, really started trying to get sleep and I learned to cook so that I would remember to eat. The cook at the mansion taught me everything she knew. So, you get to test out my improved culinary skills.”_

_He grimaced. “Gods help us all.”_

_She laughed and shoved his shoulder. “Shut up! I’m good!”_

_The Doctor grabbed her arm, grinning at her outrage, and pulled her into his lap, running his fingers over her cheek as a soft breeze lifted her hair. “I’m sure you are. You are always brilliant at anything you put your mind to.”_

_She blushed under his admiring gaze and he leaned forward to press a soft kiss to her cheek, eager to feel the warmth on her skin. When he pulled back, her eyes were glistening and darted all over his face as if memorizing every wrinkle, every freckle._

_“I missed you,” she breathed, cupping his cheek._

_He leaned into the touch with a smile. “You’ve said that.”_

_“I’ll probably keep saying it,” she admitted. “Because I really, really did.”_

_Her tender gaze made him suck in a breath. “Me too.” He brushed a lock of hair off her forehead and swallowed the lump in his throat. “How am I going to survive tomorrow if I wake up and find that this is all a dream? My mind is capable of playing very realistic tricks on me. What if you are just a desperate figment of my imagination?”_

_Her brow furrowed. “Theta, I’m home. I promise, I’m home.”_

_He bobbed his head in agreement but he didn’t believe it. It all seemed too wonderful, too lucky for them._

_Rose must have seen his doubt because she tilted his head down for a gentle kiss and rested her brow against his. “Do me a favor?”_

_He nodded._

_“Close your eyes.”_

_The Doctor obeyed and she placed her hand on his chest between his hearts. “Focus on your body in bed. I’m lying right next to you. You’re holding me in your arms. Can’t you feel my breaths?” She took a deep deliberate breath and he matched it. “Can’t you feel my heart beating against your chest?” Her hand on his chest began to tap out a gentle two beat rhythm._

_“Yes,” he whispered, trying to keep his lip from trembling when a tear raced down his cheek. He opened his eyes and Rose was smiling up at him, her thumb coming up to brush the moisture from his face._

_“See? I’m back.” _

_He half-laughed, half-sobbed before placing a kiss to her forehead and crushing her to his chest. _

_“Lay with me,” she asked and he nodded._

_She coaxed him down into soft grass where they clung to each other, listening to the wind rustle through the trees and the distant pop and hiss of the Master’s fading funeral pyre. Rose was tucked into his side, her head resting on his chest and his arm wrapped tight around her. She’d gone back to humming her soft song and it drifted on the breeze as her hand rubbed soothing circles on his chest in time with the rhythm. He smiled as he gazed at the river of stars and two shining moons. For the first time, in a long time, he felt sense of serenity looking up at Gallifrey’s sky, soothed by the incredible woman at his side. In that bubble of peace and love the two drifted off into a deeper and dreamless sleep._

And if, in the real world, the Doctor held his Rose just a little bit tighter...well, who could blame him?


	19. Though I Know You're Out There Somewhere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor and Rose both deal with the morning after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a new chapter and I know that this is geared more towards character development but it is also necessary. Get ready to get into the character's heads. Hope you like it! As always, thank you for reading!
> 
> _And if, in the real world, the Doctor held his Rose just a little bit tighter...well, who could blame him?_

Something tickled the Doctor’s nose, rousing him from a deep and restful sleep. Annoyed, he brushed it away and settled back into his soft cocoon, reluctant to leave the sweet scent and intoxicating warmth surrounding him. When the sensation came again, he grumbled and cracked open an eye. For just a moment, he expected to see the star lit skies of Gallifrey above him but it was just a hopeful remnant of their dream which reality was quick to quash out with disheartening ferocity. The Doctor tried to stifle a wince, consoling himself with the fact that he didn’t need dreams to sustain his spirit. His life had taken a promising turn, as of late, and the thought coaxed his lips into a tender smile. It was difficult to be too disappointed when the sight that _did_ await him was pulled straight from some of his most treasured memories. 

The lights in his room were still low enough as to not disturb the sleeping woman sprawled across his chest, but there was enough light where he could make out Rose’s riot of dark blonde hair spilling over him, touching any exposed skin with the lightest caress. He brushed the soft strands off his face and gathered her hair together, sifting his idle fingers through its silken length. Rose sighed in her sleep and nuzzled against him, making his breath catch in his throat. It wasn’t the first time he’d awoken with her this close but it had been too long and he missed it desperately. 

She was gorgeous. There was something about her fresh-faced innocence that made her magnetic, even in deep sleep. The thick fan of her dark lashes were still closed, hiding those whiskey brown eyes, and casting shadows across her warm flushed cheeks. The Doctor brushed his thumb over her soft skin and her full lips parted around deep even breaths. Their steady rhythm was hypnotic, almost lulling him back into unconsciousness. Truth be told, he wanted nothing more than to sink back into peaceful sleep with her but it was useless. Even though he’d only slept a few hours and his body was still heavy with fatigue, his mind was already buzzing, darting down different tangents like a frightened deer. 

Normally, this would send him leaping out of bed, unable to stay stationary once his mind started winding along its merry way, but today was different. He didn’t want to move just yet; knowing that the second he placed a foot upon the floor the spell of this moment would break. They would cease to be man and woman. They would again be Rose Tyler: brave, compassionate, fragile human. And the Doctor: broken, damned, near-immortal Time Lord. He didn’t want to be that yet; he just wanted to hers for a few minutes more. 

Eventually though, the pressure in his bladder became insistent. Even Time Lords could only ignore their bodies for so long...no matter how many times he insisted that he was its master and it should obey. Reluctant and sullen, the Doctor rolled Rose away from him, lips twitching into a grin when she mewled in protest like a disgruntled kitten.

“Hush luv,” he cooed, placing a gentle kiss on her cheek, relieved when she settled and didn’t wake. 

He tiptoed to the loo and made use of the facilities but, on his way back to the room, he caught his reflection in the mirror. He ran a critical hand over his deceptively young face. It didn’t look like there were any adverse effects from the Master aging him. The deep lines and wrinkles were gone, for the most part. Only the small laugh lines by his eyes remained and those could stay; Rose enjoyed those. 

It hadn’t damaged him to the point of regeneration and for that, he was grateful. He liked this face and he didn’t want to put Rose through another regeneration so soon. Although she handled the last one like a champion and surprised him with her adaptability, it hadn’t been easy for them. There were fights and tears. She took him to task for not warning her about regeneration beforehand and questioned his trust in her. She didn’t believe that there was any other explanation for it, as much as he tried to convince her otherwise. 

They stayed on the estate from Christmas to New Years, trying to rebuild their easy report and, for a frightening time, he was unsure if she would ever forgive him or trust him again. Until one day, in true Rose fashion, she gave him exactly what he needed. He could still remember it with startling clarity; standing in front of this same mirror a week after the Sycorax invasion, worrying himself silly over her approval.

——————————

_The Doctor studied his new face in the mirror, a frown tugging at his lips. Things weren’t going as well as he hoped. While he and Rose were doing better and she accepted that he was the same Doctor, things were still tense. She spent a lot of time with her mother, Mickey, and other friends; effortlessly slipping back into her normal human life...or so it seemed. She didn’t exclude him but she didn’t insist on his presence either. Whether she was just trying to save him from being involved in ‘domestics’ or purposefully pulling away, he wasn’t sure, but it made his throat constrict with panic. He didn’t want to go back out into the universe without her. He may be a new man, with new likes and dislikes but he was sure that he still wanted (needed) Rose Tyler by his side._

_“Doctor,” he heard her call from the bedroom, startling him from his thoughts._

_“In here.”_

_Rose leaned against the doorframe to his ensuite with a grin on her face as he continued his examination. “Getting vain in your old age, Doctor?”_

_He shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant but inside he was ecstatic, eager to be the center of her attention. “It’s always difficult, getting used to a new face.”_

_She walked further into the room and he turned toward her, leaning against the counter with his arms folded across his chest, much like his ninth self was want to do. Some of his old mannerisms had yet to fade away and maybe some never would._

_“You cut yourself shaving,” she asked, indicating the small fast-healing nick on his jaw._

_He grimaced. “Yeah, new face, new hands...it takes some time to adjust.”_

_“Why even use a razor? Surely there are safer, more advanced methods in the future.”_

_He shrugged. “I got used to it when I was stuck on earth, years and years ago. Now it just feels right.”_

_“Hmmm.” She shifted uncomfortably and, for a second, he worried that she would leave. “Er...I never really thought to ask but do you like it? Your new face,” she clarified._

_“I don’t really have a choice but it’s alright, I guess. Better than my last daft old face.”_

_“Hey,” she admonished. “I liked that daft old face, thank you very much.”_

_His eyes grew soft, admiring her defense of his former self. “So, you don’t like the new one then? A bit too pretty?”_

_“Of course that’s not what I think.”_

_“Well, what do you think Rose Tyler? What do I look like to you?”_

_“You look like the Doctor,” she replied with staunch determination and he wasn’t sure if she was trying to convince him or herself._

_His lips lifted in a tight smile, trying not to portray his anxiety. “Yes, but what does my face tell you about me? What do you see?”_

_“Why is this so important to you?”_

_“Humor me,” he pleaded. “Would you have run away with this face? Swung across a chain to save this life? Faced down an army of Daleks?”_

_Her lower lip trembled. “Of course I would.”_

_“Why? What about this face would make you want to do that? Please?”_

_“Alright fine,” she snapped, exasperated at his insistence._

_Rose cocked her head to the side in a thoughtful manner and stepped closer until they were almost touching. The Doctor sucked in a breath and his hands fell to her waist. He was still bursting with energy from his regeneration and, with her this close, it was tempting to snog the absolute breath from her._

_Lifting her small hand, she brushed a lock of hair off his brow. “Well, you have great hair.”_

_He preened, enjoying her praise, as the air between them seemed to grow thicker with tension._

_“But it is immaculately styled and does speak to a bit of vanity.”_

_He tipped his head to the side in admission as her gentle touch skated over the bridge of his nose._

_“You have freckles which give you the impression of innocence...just the impression, mind. As soon as anyone gets to know you, they’ll know the truth.”_

_The Doctor chuckled at her soft jab and waited patiently for her insight as her honey brown eyes scrutinized his features._

_“Your ears are smaller. Although if you keep pulling on this one you’ll stretch it out.” She gave his right earlobe a soft flick._

_“Oi!” His outrage was just a facade and Rose’s answering giggle said they both knew it._

_Her fingers ghosted over his lips and the Doctor held his breath even as his hands tightened on her hips. “Your smile is kind, more genuine, less manic. It seems like you mean it when you smile; instead of trying to hide behind it.”_

_His brows lifted in surprise. This woman knew him better than he cared to admit. It was unnerving how much she saw of him. He always thought himself a master obfuscation but Rose Tyler was able to cut through the bullshit with ease, burrowing her way closer to his hearts._

_She continued her leisurely exploration. “You have crinkles at the corners of your eyes which make you seem happy, like you laugh a lot. But your eyes, your eyes are the same.”_

_His brow furrowed. “Uh...I don’t know if you noticed Rose Tyler but I had blue eyes before. I thought you were more observant.”_

_She gave halfhearted smack to his arm but he reacted as if she left a deep wound. Rose grinned, shaking her head at his dramatic antics. “Yeah but that’s just the color. They’re still the same. You know, humans have a saying that eyes are the windows to the soul and your soul is the same, filled with compassion and excitement... wanderlust. You’re not as sad though. Still a bit melancholy maybe, but lighter, further removed from...tragedy.”_

_He looked down, suddenly uncomfortable under her too perceptive gaze._

_Rose cleared her throat. “But see that’s the point. Blue eyes, brown eyes, it doesn’t matter. They’re not why I faced an army of Daleks. That’s just the packaging, yeah. I did those things because of who you are not what you look like. Whatever you change into on the outside,” she assured him, smoothing the front of his Oxford with a tender smile. “You’re still my Doctor.”_

—————————

_You’re still my Doctor._

To this day the Doctor didn’t know how he refrained from kissing her until her knees were weak. Even now he wanted snuggle back into bed beside her and kiss her in gratitude. He knew how difficult his regeneration was on Rose and how her brilliant human mind had fought to reconcile his ninth self with the new Doctor standing in front of her but she put aside her doubts... for him. She accepted him; saw him for who he truly was. Rassilon, he lo-

_Stop._

His eyes darkened and he glared at his reflection, irritated at being pulled from his hopeful reverie. The Doctor stepped back, staring at his image with disgust, hating that little voice in his head that sounded suspiciously like the Master and reminded him of the truth. 

_She’s human...delicate. She will age, wither, die and you will be forced to watch her leave you slowly._

He didn’t care. He wanted her...needed her. Rose was good for him. In one night she’d given him more solace and peace than he’d found in the preceding year. She made him feel safe, protected, loved. 

_What are you, a petulant child? She’s a human; you’re a Time Lord. Start acting like one. What is it that you think? You think you deserve her? Not bloody likely. You’re a renegade, a murderer, the killer of your own kind. You taint her with the blood on your hands._

“Stop it!”

The Doctor took a deep breath and tried to keep his hands from shaking as he scrubbed them over his face. He glanced back into his room where Rose slept, afraid that he’d woken her, but she was still at peace, cuddled into his pillow. He could feel her calm mind nestled against his and his brows drew together in distress as he closed the door. He could become accustomed to the feeling of Rose in his head...dependent on it...on her. She was able to offer relief from the darkness filling it, sharing his burdens. But could he really justify placing that kind of responsibility on her? 

He sighed. What was he thinking? That little voice in his head was right; he didn’t deserve her. He would never be able to deserve someone so pure and gentle. How could he even think of burdening her with the weight on his shoulders? It was the weight of an entire planet crying out for mercy…a cry that would never be headed. He needed a harsh shove back to reality and a blissful life with Rose? That was a just a dream.

Resigned, the Doctor started the shower, undressed, and stepped in allowing the running water to hide the tears sliding down his cheeks. He would never be able to keep Rose. Even if she didn’t leave him by choice, she would still leave one day and he would be a broken shell of a Time Lord without her. There was a reason that inter-species relationships were forbidden on Gallifrey. Imagine the kind of damage a grief-stricken Time Lord could inflict on the universe. 

He’d been there, done that, and the universe quaked in fear. He knew that next time, he wouldn’t have the discipline to pull back from the brink of madness. Next time, he would punish all of time and space for his pain. After all, misery loved company. The Doctor slammed his fist against the tiled wall and whimpered. He didn’t have a choice here. He needed to push her away, if not for her safety, then for his. He needed to exercise a modicum of self-preservation. 

He went through the motions of washing himself without conscious thought, too distracted by other matters. What was he going to do about this mating bond? How was he going to untwine their minds from each other? Already the connection was stronger than before because of their intimacy, both in and out, of their dream last night. He needed to reestablish boundaries and create distance between them but that would be a problem because...he just didn’t want to. 

Maybe it was because she was gone for so long and he just got her back but he didn’t want any distance between them. He wanted to be next to her all the fucking time. He didn’t want her to leave his line of sight for fear that she would disappear again. Pushing her away would only hurt him and, most important, it would hurt her. She would look at him with those amber doe eyes filled with tears and he would feel like the lowest creature in this great wide universe. How could he live with himself if he hurt her now? 

The Doctor shut off the water but his brooding mood continued to hang around him like a storm cloud as he dried off and made his way back into his bedroom. He ignored the wonderful woman still sleeping in his bed as he stalked into his wardrobe. If he looked now, his resolve would falter. He would be drawn back to bed, back to her embrace. He would climb inside the covers naked and needing of her. 

The thought of waking her with his lips and tongue was a dream too wonderful to be imagined. Yet, the images still flickered through his mind, made painful in their realness, thanks to his firsthand knowledge after last night. He now knew how she writhed and moaned. He knew the look of ecstasy on her face as her orgasm crashed over her and the husky tenor of her voice as she cried out his name. He could go to her. She would accept him. 

He was honestly embarrassed by how long he entertained the idea before dismissing it. He was a Time Lord for fuck’s sake. He was not a slave to his body’s sexual whims. But he could admit that these particular needs stemmed more from the desire for comfort than sexual satisfaction. There was still a healthy dose of arousal singing through his blood though. He tried to shake the fantasies from his head and instead dressed in his normal brown pinstripes, blue oxford and chucks. He looked for a tie but only one was available on the shelf. Of course, it was one Rose gave him, made of shiny blue silk and decorated with small silver roses sewn into the fabric. 

The Doctor ran his thumb over it in a reverent caress. He assumed it was her way of laying a claim to him but he might be reading too much into it. A man could hope. _Mark me, claim me, luv. I’m already yours._ He tied it around his neck, threw on his jacket and walked back into his room, his eyes catching on Rose’s sleeping form. She looked so beautiful and content that his hearts ached. Crossing to the bed, he leaned down to brush a light kiss over her soft lips. 

She stirred but didn’t open her eyes. “Doctor,” she breathed. 

“Shhh, sleep Rose. Just sleep,” he soothed, running his fingers over her soft hair. 

He stood back to his feet, as if burdened by led weights around his ankles, and forced his legs into motion. If he didn’t leave now, he never would and he had repairs to attend. The TARDIS wouldn’t fix herself and the Joneses wouldn’t get home until she was. He walked out of the door with one last forlorn look to the angel sleeping in his bed. The Doctor’s shoulders slumped as he closed the door behind him, feeling like he carved out his hearts and left them beside her. 

—————————————

_“Rose Tyler.”_

_“Doctor.” Rose tried to lift her head and open her eyes but they were almost swollen shut._

_“Tyler!”_

_She jerked awake peeling her eyes open despite the crusty goo sealing them. An angry Rourke stood in front of her and she cringed away from him._

_“You look disgusting,” he sneered, circling her rag doll body on the floor. “And you stink.”_

_Rose pulled herself upright and cleared her thick throat. “Yeah that’ll happen when you’ve got a psychopath denying you basic human rights like food, water, bathing facilities or a fucking loo!”_

_Rourke chuckled but she could tell by the set of his shoulders that he was agitated. “You don’t have any rights. You’re not human.”_

_“If being human means being like you then you’re right, I’m not.” She turned her dark glare on him. “I’m better.”_

_His jaw ticked for an instant but, all too soon, his scowl melted into a menacing smile. “Better? Look at you. You’re no better than an animal.”_

_“I could say the same thing about you.”_

_Rourke’s quick backhand struck at her like a snake and sent her sprawling across the floor. Rose gasped, curling in on herself as pain ricocheted through every cell in her body. She could taste her thick blood in her mouth and it was almost a relief; she was so thirsty. It was too soon to relax though, her tormentor wasn’t done with her yet. He stalked toward her and grabbed a handful of her hair, lifting her off the floor. Rose’s indignant yelp bubbled up from her throat as she clawed at his hand with her brittle broken nails. Rourke growled and slammed his fist across her face, over and over again until her body went limp. She just didn’t have any fight left in her. His rage was overwhelming. It seemed to have a physical presence, suffocating everything else in the room and crushing her resolve like the dirt under his boots._

_Rourke wrenched her head back, exposing her neck. “All of this stops if you just tell me what I want to know,” he whispered around heaving breaths._

_“I told you,” she ground out. “I don’t know anything.”_

_“You’re lying! You haven’t aged a day since I met you. You have to know why,” he hollered, spittle spraying from his lips._

_“I don-“_

_His fist connected with her jaw again. “Don’t lie!”_

_Blood poured from her in earnest now. The slickness of it slid across her skin like oil, running over her arms and legs, between her toes, her fingers. The warmth of it filled her nostrils and her ears, flowing down her throat so hot and tangy; her empty stomach roiled. Rose gagged, drowning in a pool of her blood that now covered her eyes in a red film. At last, it pulled her under...swallowing her whole._  
————————

Rose sprang awake with a gasp. Her body was shaking, sweat beading over every inch of her skin. Gulping in huge heaving breaths of cool air, she tried to get her bearings. The lights brightened enough for her to see that she was still in the Doctor’s room and she almost relaxed before realizing that the bed at her side was empty, long cold. Rose’s heart sank and whimper broke past her lips before she dropped her head into her hands. It would have been nice to have him there, to help her to distinguish dream from reality. It was getting hard to tell which was which these days. Especially when reality sometimes felt like a dream.

Without thought, her mind reached for him, searching for the comfort he could provide, only to be rebuffed. It made Rose’s chest ache but she steeled herself against his rejection. It hurt. She fucking needed him too dammit and, maybe it was selfish, but she kind of expected him to be there for her, just as she was there for him last night. 

Rose sighed, flopping back against the mattress, her body leaden with tension. She lay there for long moments, trying to let the fear and disappointment seep out of her pours where she could fling it from her fingertips. She wasn’t sure what she expected really; leaving her was his _modus operandi._ Rose winced, her thoughts leaving a bad taste in her mouth. That wasn’t fair to the Doctor. Ugh! When had she started to sound so bitter? There could be a million reasons why he wasn’t there when she woke. First and foremost? His ship was in desperate need of repair. She should try to be more understanding but she couldn’t stop the niggling fear that he was distancing himself after their intimacy last night. 

_Last night._ Rose let the memory overwhelm her and pull her back from the edge of the abyss, nervous that if she stared too long, it would reach inside her, twisting her very essence into something ugly. Instead she thought about thick red grasses, soft breezes and a blanket of stars. She thought about the rise and fall of the Doctor’s chest beneath her palm and the steady thumping of his hearts. 

She remembered the tingles his fingers left on her skin as they trailed up her inner thigh and his passionate knee-weakening kiss, laden with the kind of intense urgency that suggested he couldn’t quite help himself. She loved that, loved shaking his unflappable demeanor. She hated it when he acted unaffected...but he was affected last night. He had gasped and moaned in time with her as he worked his hand between her legs. Almost as lost in the moment as she was, he had even begged her to open her eyes.

_I need to see you, Rose._

But he didn’t need to see her now. 

Whew! She really was riding that bitter train to the pity party. What did she expect from him? That everything would change overnight? That upon her return, he would just drop to his knees and confess his love for her? Knowing him as well as she did, she should understand that was unrealistic. After last night, she wasn’t even sure that he knew what his feelings were. Anything he felt for her was tied up tight with his guilt, loneliness, grief, and self-loathing. It would take years to unravel it all. She really needed to strive for patience with him (if only to maintain her sanity) but it was frustrating because she was tired of waiting. They had already wasted so much time. 

Rose stomach clenched with hunger pains, dragging her from her convoluted thoughts and back to the reality of her body. It was a relief to turn her mind to something she could control. Time for breakfast, a real breakfast (no more energy bars) with bacon and eggs and fried tomatoes and toast and... bloody hell, she was hungry. Rose threw the blankets off of her and stood on shaky legs. She was still a little weak but, as she rushed to the loo, she only stumbled once...small victories. When she was finished, she washed her hands and paused in front of the mirror. 

Rose studied her reflection, a strange sense of deja vu creeping down her spine. For just an instant, the image of the Doctor’s scowling face appeared before her, like the shutter drawing on a camera. She shook her head, rubbing at her eyes, and when she looked back up, it was only her visage looking back at her from the mirror’s smooth surface. She noted the sharpness of her cheeks and the still stark pallor of her skin. She didn’t even look like herself anymore. Her mother’s words came back to haunt her: _There will be this woman, this strange woman, but it won’t be Rose Tyler, not anymore._

Her mother was wrong about one thing though. It wasn’t travelling the stars or her love for an alien that stripped her of her humanity. It was humans. Rose’s hand lifted to her sternum, rubbing at a ghostly wound. Humans had tortured her, beat her, cut her apart and stitched her back together. They had bathed in her blood, much like her dream. Except she had drowned in it; a fitting metaphor that left her feeling...insecure to say the least. Once again, she searched for that place in her mind where she was connected to the Doctor but again found that he was closed off to her, revealing nothing. That wasn’t a good sign. 

Rose tried to shrug it off. She was reading too much into things. Everything was fine, he was just busy, distracted and she refused to let herself obsess over his current mood. Rolling her shoulders, Rose opened a drawer and snatched up the hairbrush inside. She worked it through her tangled mass of hair with unmerciful strokes and then piled the strands atop her head in a messy bun. She washed her face and brushed her teeth, desperate to keep her mind from wandering down dangerous paths but it seemed inevitable. She just wished that she felt more at home here...the way she used to. She expected to slip right back into the sense of belonging that she had last night but, in the cold harsh reality of morning, her confidence was slipping. 

When she looked into the mirror again, she noticed a new door at her back. Brow raised in curiosity she turned and opened it. It was her room, her old room, and it was exactly as she left it, down to the clothes strewn across the floor and rumpled bed. Rose wrapped her arms around her middle, shivering in the abandoned space. It didn’t feel like it belonged to her anymore. She felt as if she were walking through the room of a ghost. The bright pink walls and fuchsia duvet were too bright, almost garish, seeming to mock her loss of innocence. 

She tried to ignore it as she moved further into the room toward her wardrobe. She opened the doors and frowned. So much pink, pink everywhere, it made her uncomfortable. She pulled down a pair of jeans and tried them on. They sagged on her rail thin frame. Tearing them off, Rose threw them to the side. She tried another and another and another until at last she sunk to the floor in a heap, wiping away angry tears. Nothing was right, the room, the clothes, her bed, they were all wrong. They all belonged to a memory and didn’t fit the woman she’d become. It highlighted how separated she was from that girl and it scared her. Maybe she didn’t belong here anymore. Maybe _she_ was wrong. 

The TARDIS’ hum shifted and she felt warm reassurance fill her mind like an insistent comforting hug. _She would fix it. She would make it better. Rose was her wolf. She would always belong here._

Rose sniffled and looked toward the ceiling. “Thanks old girl.”

The lights flashed in response. 

Feeling marginally soothed, Rose stood and noticed a pile of clothing on the bed. Wiping the tears from her cheeks, she dressed. The black leggings, dark red top and gray zip up hoodie fit her perfectly and gave the illusion of curves that she didn’t have but at least she didn’t look like a wasting waif. Rose made her way to the door and looked back at the now foreign room behind her, feeling the melancholy seep deep into her bones. 

She reached out for the Doctor once more. Rose hated being the needy, clingy girl always tugging at his coat sleeve. It made her feel weak and she swore to herself that, if he ignored her this time, she would leave him alone but, to her surprise, she received a soothing, apologetic brush that buoyed her spirits. Biting her lip, she shut the door to her past behind her and padded down the corridor to the galley…endeavoring to feel optimistic about the future.


	20. Only You Can Prove Me Right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that this is a little late. I was all set to resume my weekly updates last Friday when my sister went into labor. I am now the proud aunt of a beautiful nephew. He's adorable, healthy little boy. Anyway, I'm sorry its late but I hope you all understand and enjoy it anyway. I'm honestly a little nervous about this one. I've spent hours, days, trying to perfect it and I'm worried that it still feels clunky and stilted. Let me know what you think. 
> 
> I know it's kind of scary out there right now but I hope you are all happy, healthy and have plenty of TP. Keep your heads everyone. We'll get through this together
> 
> _Biting her lip, she shut the door to her past behind her and padded down the corridor to the galley…endeavoring to feel optimistic about the future._

The Doctor hurried through the TARDIS corridors, intent on finding his room. He didn’t understand why she couldn’t move it closer, especially if there was such an urgent problem…or so she claimed. He rolled his eyes, frustration with his bloody temperamental ship beginning to reach a boiling point. A few minutes ago, he was buried under the console, minding his own business and ignoring the small spot in his mind that represented Rose out of necessity. He wasn’t making some kind of statement by it (even though he probably should). She was just distracting. He needed to concentrate on repairs, he needed to give his mind time to adjust to her presence, and he didn’t need to upset her rest with his obsessive circling thoughts. However, when the TARDIS decided to make her opinion on the matter known with a sharp mental kick, he tuned in…so to speak. He found that, not only was Rose awake, her heart was aching. 

Her anxiety, fear, and sadness made his blood run cold. It filled him with a protective compulsion that was undeniable. She should never feel afraid. After all, they were bonded and, whether he thought it was right or not, it was his job to shield her, ground her, and soothe her. In the face of her distress, it didn’t matter that he had decided to ignore her sharp bursts of emotion. In theory that might work but, in practice, it was a little more complicated. Her distress unsettled him, like a cloister bell going off in his mind, and it made it difficult to fight his desire to hold her, comfort her…to tell her…tell her… 

The Doctor growled under his breath and ran a hand through his hair as he darted around the next corner. When he at last came to his door, he burst in and found a rumpled empty bed. The sheets were cold and, if he didn’t know better, he would start to worry if Rose was ever really there, but he could smell the faint scent of her in the room and it slowed his accelerating hearts. Holding onto that small comfort, he continued toward the en-suite where he found a hairbrush and toothbrush, recently used, but no Rose. Maybe she was just a ghost or memory, leaving things behind but without a solid form. _No. No, she was solid._ He held her; he felt her heartbeat against his chest. She was home; she was real. He had to believe that. 

Jittery with tension, he opened the new door on the opposite wall and found Rose’s old room. A place that he both loved and hated. He visited on a regular basis, if only to lie in her bed and soak up her faint presence. He loved that during his darkest moments he could find comfort here in her space. He hadn’t touched a thing. It looked as though she just ran out, pulling her blue jumper over her head, and, at any moment, she could step back through that door like nothing happened. But as the weeks and months passed without her, the room began to feel shrine to her memory. It was a painful reminder of everything he lost. He hated that change. It had turned a place that once felt warm with affection and laughter into a cold mausoleum. Rose was alive in another universe but here, it felt as though she died. As his eyes darted over her treasured possessions, the Doctor swallowed down the lump in his throat. A cold sliver of fear was starting to curl a fist around his hearts. Where was she? He needed to see her…_now._

She had definitely been inside this room. Clothes littered the floor, more than usual. It appeared that Rose had an epic battle with her wardrobe. She must have had trouble finding something to wear. She was smaller than she used to be and had lost weight that she couldn’t afford to lose. Maybe she was frustrated when nothing fit her? He picked up her delicate silver nightgown from the bed and ran it between his fingers. It was cool, all of her warmth having fled from it. His anxiety doubled as he tucked the soft material into his pocket and headed for the door. He stepped back into the hall and jogged through twists and turns until he stopped just before the entrance to the galley. 

He could hear the low murmur of voices in the room beyond but he stood rooted to the spot, fear creeping over him. What if she wasn’t there? What if she was gone? What if she was never here to begin with? What if this was all some fever dream? Each day since she was taken from, him he approached this door wishing, hoping, praying to every god he knew, that he would enter and there she would be, grinning her tongue touched smile just for him. Every day he was disappointed. 

He cast his wary gaze along the wooden surface, steeling himself for the soul crushing disappointment, and walked through. Rose was standing at the counter, sipping tea out of her mundane chipped mug and nibbling at a half-eaten piece of toast like she wasn’t the most incredible thing in the entire universe. His hearts stumbled and his feet along with them. Their eyes locked and she graced him with a wary smile, her cheeks reddening under his awed gaze. She was real…a rough breath escaped his lips. His greedy eyes danced over her, noting her red-rimmed eyes and puffy cheeks. She’d been crying. His brow furrowed and he had the urge to rub at an ache in his chest. Oblivious to anyone else in the room, the Doctor rushed forward and gathered her into a tight hug, lifting her off her feet. 

“Oh,” Rose exclaimed in surprise, returning the embrace. “Well, hello to you too.”

He didn’t respond, couldn’t respond past the lump in his throat. Joy, grief, anger, and relief choked him. It was too much. He had underestimated the amount of anxiety he developed after leaving her this morning. It disconcerted him how even that small distance had made him frantic for her. The Doctor nuzzled into the warmth of her neck and filled his lungs with her scent, hoping to hide the small sob that escaped his lips as they brushed across her skin in light caress. Of course, Rose felt it and her arms tightened around him. 

“Hey, hey,” she cooed at him while stroking the hair at the nape of his neck. “Are you alright? What happened?”

He couldn’t answer. His throat was too tight. His mind was too clogged with emotions and not just his. This close to her, pressed against her skin, her worry and fear blasted over him with the subtlety of a tsunami. She was worried about his rejection, about not belonging, about why she woke up alone and it broke his hearts, but it was the subtle undercurrent of absolute terror that alarmed him. He couldn’t quite pinpoint its source but, whatever it was had shaken her. Yet, in the midst of her turmoil, her love for him was still at the forefront of her mind. It oozed from her with a ferocity that made him shudder, breaking down any further defenses. 

The Doctor set her back on her feet and leaned away just enough to cup her cheek in his hand. “You okay,” he whispered

“Better now,” she replied but her quivering lip belied her statement. 

He brushed his thumb across it and her lashes fell closed. He just couldn’t seem to keep his hands from her. He was accustomed to the inappropriate urge. His fingers had itched for her ever since she stepped into the TARDIS, mesmerized by the softness and heat of her skin. Most of the time, he valiantly fought against that attraction, limiting his contact to clutching her hand in a death grip or the occasional (embarrassingly frequent) hug, but it seemed that the last twelve hours, he had given up trying. Memories of the previous night flashed through his mind, the feel of her lips on his, the silken press of her naked skin. Arousal galloped ahead, mingling with everything else that clamored for attention in his mind. The sheer volume of impulses that pinged from one neuron to the next was overwhelming and would not be ignored. He was going to crack. He knew it. The dam surrounding his emotions was going to fail and soon he would either become a blubbering mess in her arms or he would have her pressed against the nearest wall, whispering words of devotion against her skin as his hands worked their way under her shirt. 

He heard a low murmur of conversation behind him and tensed... they had an audience. The Doctor abruptly released her and whipped around. Both Martha and Jack sat at the table watching them like it was an episode of their favorite soap opera. Martha’s bemused expression was bad enough but it was Jack’s suggestive grin that made him itch. The Doctor scratched at the back of his head and shifted from foot to foot.

“Well, I just...I err need to...umm.” He gestured vaguely to the door and bolted from the room, ignoring the weight of curious eyes on his back. 

“Whoa. Wait!” 

He left Rose’s weak protest in the dust, weaving through corridors, not really paying attention to his path. He was almost running, desperate to outpace his conflicting emotions and Rose. He knew that he wouldn’t have long before his perfect pink and yellow human was on his heels. It was this damn bond. It made him too sensitive. It made him weak. But even as he thought it, he knew it was a lie. His hysteria had nothing to do with this bond, except to the extent that it forced him to confront everything he buried for the past two years. 

He had refused to deal with Rose’s loss. He had refused to deal with his grief even as every day saw him die a little more inside. Anytime those feelings tried to swallow him, he would throw himself (and Martha) straight into another mess. Healthy? No, but effective for diverting the mind. With Rose back, that tangled knot of emotions was unraveling along with his sanity. He felt like his mind was determined to hit all five stages of grief in one hour. He needed some steadiness. He needed this rollercoaster to stop. He needed…

“Doctor!” 

He heard Rose call from behind him and his steps quickened toward the door at the end of the corridor. He needed to get out of here. He couldn’t fall apart, not now, not in front of her. He was a wreck; still tired and weak from his yearlong telepathic work out, integrating with the Archangel Network. His inability to sleep wasn’t helping either. He’d been up only two hours after lying down with Rose, unable to deal with the mercurial events of the last twenty-four hours. On a normal day, that was probably fine but this wasn’t a normal day and he didn’t _feel_ fine. 

His skin itched; he felt tight and uncomfortable inside it. The Doctor’s throat burned with unshed tears and growls of exasperation. He needed an outlet, a release from this straight-jacket of frustration. He wasn’t sure how he would react to Rose and her calm unwavering love. Blessedly, he reached the door and stepped into the library before shutting it behind him. The Doctor looked for an exit but they mysteriously disappeared. He glared at the ceiling, irritated with his traitorous ship. He was trapped in here. Panicked, he tried to hide in the stacks of books as he heard the door open and close once more.

“Doctor,” Rose called, concern coloring her tone. “Doctor, I saw you come in here. Are you alright?”

He thought about ignoring her. Maybe he could convince her that he left the library through a different door. If he just hid from her long enough, maybe she would leave. Gods, he was such an insufferable coward. Was he really going to hide from her? From Rose? 

“Yes,” he finally croaked. 

She appeared at the end of shelves and as their eyes met, she sighed, “Doctor.”

“I’m fine. I just need a minute. I-I,” he stammered, his throat constricting around the words. 

She took a step towards him with her arms extended as if approaching some frightened animal. He took a step back, startling when he felt the bookshelves at his back. He had nowhere left to run or hide from her appeal. He could smell her unique scent already. His body still felt her imprint. She was back. She was home. It was an overwhelming thought and some part of his brain still rebelled against the idea that she was even real. It made him want to push her away, to dare not hope, to sink back into that dark place where his anguish swallowed him. While another part wanted to pull her closer, wrap her in his arms so tightly that nothing could dare prise her from his grasp again. 

“Doctor,” she whispered, breaking the tense silence. 

“Rose, I can’t do this,” he choked out. 

“Please,” she interjected. “Please don’t send me away. Not me, not the only person in this universe who might understand what you’re going through.”

He scoffed involuntary and her glassy eyes narrowed on him. The Doctor swallowed. 

“Why do you think that I’m not feeling exactly the way you are? Why do you think that I don’t understand?”

He’d hurt her. It was clear from the tone of her voice. He hadn’t meant to but it really did seem unthinkable that she could understand. She looked so poised now, so in control. The Doctor almost couldn’t meet her gaze, ashamed of his next admission. “Because you don’t act like you’re a mess...like I am.”

She drew her head back and looked up at him with eyes so filled with compassion and empathy that his hearts ached. “I’ve become an expert at hiding what I’m feeling. I had an amazing teacher,” she murmured. “But inside, I’m such a mess.” 

Some part of him knew that. He had felt it after all; the whirlwind of sadness, fear, and uncertainty that rained on her thoughts but it didn’t stifle her or choke her. It flowed over her, shaped her, molded her like water over a stone in a creek bed. It buffed away any rough edges somehow leaving her softer and more resilient than she was before. She never let anything break her down. Whereas he…he felt like he was crumbling under the weight of everything. 

Rose sighed and wiped away the single tear that escaped her eye. “I have no idea what to say or how to act around you. I feel like there’s too much time and distance between us. I’m scared to reach out for you. I spent so much time ignoring that part of my mind. I’m terrified that I’ll reach for you and you’ll be gone again. I don’t think I could bear that again. Even when you’re rebuffing me, at least you’re still there, but I won’t lie and say that doesn’t hurt. It makes me worry; maybe I’m just too different, too…broken. Maybe you won’t like…” She trailed off rubbing a self-conscious hand over her breastbone. 

He sucked in a pained breath and reached out to her, pulling her into his arms. She hugged him tight, sighing against his chest. Somehow the simple act of holding her grounded him. The Doctor threaded his fingers into her hair, tilting her head back until she met his eyes. “You’re wrong. You’re not too different. You’re Rose Tyler and I like everything about you.”

“So, you’re not trying to push me away then?” She was smiling when she asked but he could hear the gravity of the question behind her bravado. 

The Doctor sighed and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Oh Rose, I wish I could make you understand all the reasons why we can’t do this. I don’t have the freedom to… I wish I could show you how much more you deserve.” 

“Deserve? Do you think I don’t know you,” she argued, pulling back from his embrace. “This has nothing to do with what I deserve. I think you of all people would agree that I deserve to be loved by the person I love. What I deserve plays a very small part here.”

He dropped his hands to her waist and drew her back to him, unwilling to be parted even those few inches. As he studied her face, he was compelled to offer one of the rarest things she ever received from him…honesty. “I do agree but I also think you should make better choices. Make sure that this person is redeemable, that they’re worthy of everything you are.”

“And you’re not.”

“Can’t argue with the facts.”

“The facts from your perspective.”

He gave her a wry grin. “The facts don’t have a perspective, Rose. That’s why they are called facts.”

She rolled her eyes. “Don’t try and put me off with that load of rubbish. I understand you, ya know. Probably more than you want me to. I know that you feel perpetually unforgiven and that you think it best that way. I know that you think happiness is something that will always be denied to and you feel that this is just. I understand the conflict between what you feel is your duty, your responsibility, and your desires. I also understand that you want to protect yourself from pain. Even if, in some sick way, you still feel that you deserve it.”

He looked away from her, uncomfortable under her scrutiny but her hand on his cheek forced him to meet her dark eyes. 

“I also know what you want, what you need, what you try so hard to keep hidden from even yourself. The way you touched me last night-” 

“Don’t.” But the way he pressed into her palm negated any authority the warning might have. The warmth of her touch was soothing the itch in his skin. It was hypnotic; it left him shivering. She slipped her fingers beneath his collar, rubbing at the back of his neck and the muscles began to unwind. The Doctor moaned in relief. 

“What,” she asked, pressing into the line of his body. “Don’t feel? Don’t remember the way you held me? The desperation in your kiss? The desire in your eyes that finally matched mine? I’ve been waiting a lifetime for you to look at me like that, to want me like that.”

“I’ve always wanted you like that,” he breathed. 

“Then why haven’t you showed me?”

“I can’t,” came his pained whisper.

“Why,” she asked, her lips brushing along his neck in a feather-light caress that made gooseflesh raise across his skin. “Why can’t you kiss me or touch me the way you want to?”

As her warm breath skated over his ear, a shudder ran through his body. “Stop,” he insisted, but it was tenuous at best and his possessive grasp on her hips only confused his refusal.

Still, Rose paused and drew back, pinning him with her hooded whiskey gaze. “Do you really want me to stop?”

“Rose, I can’t.” His grief, angst, anger, love, and lust tangled together in a knot until he was unable to separate one from the other. All he knew was that he needed her, needed her in every way possible. 

“Why not? What more does this universe need from us? Haven’t we given it enough? Why should it get this too? Because if you’re anything like me you’ve been dreaming of this-“

“Every damn day for the past two years,” he croaked. 

“Why can’t we have at least twenty-four hours to just be? Why can’t we have a moment of peace where I’m yours and you’re mine? Why can’t we jus-“

He captured her lips in a desperate kiss, muffling her yelp of surprise that faded into a moan as she melted against him. Her body was soft and pliant under his hands. They smoothed over her small curves, drawing a litany of whimpers and sighs from her throat. Rose nipped at his bottom lip, pulling a groan from deep in his chest. The Doctor flipped their positions, pressing her against the bookshelf and sending many old tomes crashing to the floor. He couldn’t bring himself to care. His blood rushed in his ears; his hearts thundered in his chest and drowned out everything except Rose’s breathless panting that drove him further from sanity. She pushed his jacket off his shoulders and growled in frustration when it caught on his bent arms. He released his grip on her hips and tossed it away, impatient to have his hands back on her. They slipped under her shirt, splaying across her hot skin as he trailed kissed along her jaw. 

“Gods, you’re so bloody warm Rose,” the Doctor whispered next to her ear.

“Is that a bad thing?” 

“It’s fucking gorgeous.” 

She moaned and her hands fisted in the back of his shirt, pulling it from his trousers. She bunched the material up his back, her fingertips leaving blazing trails along his spine. This body was so sensitive to her touch; he thought he might leap right out of his skin. He had experienced arousal before but this was uncontrolled, untempered by any rational thought. He was lost to pleasure, enjoying the way her arched body pressed so delicious and soft against him…until her hands curled into the waistband of his trousers. Her nails sifted through the sparse hair in the valleys of his hips and her thumb traced the zipper along the ridge of his erection. 

The Doctor grunted and broke from her, snatching her hands away. He twined their fingers together and pinned them over her head. Rose mewled a protest when he evaded her kiss and instead, rested his brow against hers, shaky breaths bursting from his lips. This was spinning out of control and he tried to calm his body and mind. He needed to pull back. He needed a distraction. He tried running complex derivations in his head but it failed to drown out the feel of her writhing body, or the sound of her gasping breaths and the books fluttering to the floor like the wings of a dozen startled doves. What happened to establishing boundaries, creating distance? Self-preservation, remember? 

Yet, even as he thought it, her persistent nuzzling persuaded him to relax and drop his head back so she could trail insistent kisses along his jaw and neck until he was a shuddering mess. He could feel her irritation at his withdrawal; she cursed his sense of self-control that he felt had abandoned him long ago. She was trying to distract him, to push him past all control and it was working. She flooded all of her arousal over their bond and it hit him like a tidal wave, saturating every dark corner of his mind with her desire for him. He could feel how much she craved his touch, how she loved the coolness of his skin, how the brush of his tongue against hers made her shiver with want. It blew all his reasons and rationales away from his thoughts until she was all that remained.

Rose drew his ear lobe between her lips, worrying the soft flesh over her teeth. He hissed and released his grip on her hands in favor of holding her hips in place as he ground against them. How could he be expected to refuse this? She was a livewire in his arms and would not be denied. Her fingers, having earned their freedom, brushed across his chest and wrapped his tie in her fist. She pulled him down to claim his lips in a consuming kiss. The Doctor groaned. She had fulfilled yet another of his fantasies. Why else would he wear a tie if not to have her draw him down to tease her mouth across his? He had dreamed about it a million times over but the reality was far more satisfying. 

Taking him by surprise, Rose assumed control, flipping him back against the rows of books as she loosened the knot and tossed the slip of fabric away. Her busy fingers flicked the buttons of his shirt open and then pushed it off his shoulders to land in a heap on the floor. The Doctor’s meager protest died in his throat when she lifted his undershirt and spread her hot fingers over his stomach, scattering thoughts about like fall leaves to the wind. His hands, tired of remaining idle, jumped to her shoulders and pushed ineffectually at her grey hoodie. At last, just before his frustration got the better of him, she pulled back and tossed the offending item away before whipping her red shirt over her head. His eyes burned into her as she lifted her hand to her chest and flicked open the clasp on the front of her bra. She let the scrap of black fabric flutter to the floor, utterly forgotten. 

The Doctor ran a trembling hand over his mouth. Rose seemed almost shy under his unwavering gaze. Her chest was flushed; her creamy breasts rising and falling with each harsh breath that issued from her swollen lips. Her pink, pearled, nipples pouted for his attention, enticing his fingers to brush over their sensitive peaks. He drew her closer but she resisted, plucking at the soft cotton of his undershirt in a silent demand. The Doctor pulled it over his head and threw it away. He wrapped a possessive arm around her waist, cuddling her close, and when their bare skin touched, he groaned. He pushed his fingers into her hair, working the elastic from it until the strands fell in waves over her naked shoulders. The Doctor cupped the nape of her neck so he could claim her mouth once more in a deep kiss that made his blood sing. He was on sensory overload. Rose effused his every atom. The scent of her arousal surrounded him, her moans of pleasure deafened him, and the brush of her pert nipples across his chest sent sparks of desire across his skin. Her soft little hand clutched the waistband of his trousers and he whimpered into her mouth. 

“Rose.”

“Theta,” came her soothing whisper. “Relax.”

She trailed kisses down his neck as her thumb flicked the clasp open and drew down his zipper. The Doctor was tight with tension, he felt like he could snap at any moment as Rose dipped her hand into his pants and freed his erection. She wrapped her soft warm fingers around his length and his head fell back against the shelf, knees nearly buckling as a shudder passed through him. Rose gave him a tentative stroke and his hips jerked into her grasp. He could feel her grin against his neck as she ran her fist up and down his cock in a maddening, slow rhythm. He held her close to his skin and she whispered reassurances between kisses as she trailed down to his chest and stomach. Before he knew it, she was kneeling in front of him; the Doctor felt her warm breath against his length and his eyes snapped down. 

“Rose, wai-,” he gasped just as she enveloped him in her warm, wet, mouth. 

His eyes rolled back in his head and his strangled cry would have embarrassed him if he had any sense to care but he didn’t. He was lost to the erotic sensation of her tongue sliding against his shaft, lost to the way her soft lips slipped over his skin, the warmth of her mouth and her steadying hand on his thigh. When he regained a small kernel of clarity, his grip in her hair tensed, pulling her back. He looked down at her flushed face and forgot to breathe. She was a vision manifested straight from his darkest fantasies. She knelt before him with her chest bare, breasts trembling with each exhalation. Her hooded eyes locked with his and she licked her wet red lips. 

“Theta,” she asked. “Are you okay?”

He nodded and she smiled, rubbing her soft cheek against his shaft.

“Do you want me to stop?”

While in the back of his mind, the rational part of him screamed ‘yes’, the words that fell from his lips were, “Gods no, Rose. Don’t stop. Please don’t stop.”

She grinned and took his hard length back between her lips. He watched in rapt fascination as she withdrew, cheeks hollowing with glorious suction that made him buck toward her mouth. She moved her hand up his hip, trying to hold him in place as she wrapped her other fist around the base of his cock and sank back down until her lips touched her fingers. She moaned, sending vibrations up his shaft that made him mindless. His head fell back again as alternating curses and praise flowed from the Doctor’s lips in a lost language that she would never understand. A simmering heat pooled at the base of his spine, intensifying with every rocking movement of her mouth. Her steady pace was irksome; he wanted more, needed it faster. He was awash in sensation, his every muscle taut with tension. His mind was lost in a fever storm of want, need, _now!_

“Rose please,” he begged shamelessly, his free hand grappling for purchase on the shelves at his back. He needed something…anything to hold onto, to ground him so that he didn’t fly away. She reached out and caught his fingers, twining them with hers. He gripped her hand hard, scared to let go. “Rose, wait. I’m gonna...”

She flooded their connection with love and reassurance. _You can fall, luv. I’ll catch you. I’ll always catch you._

His hips jerked and electricity raced through his veins. Pleasure consumed him and he flew apart, shouting her name to the ceiling as he came against her tongue. This body had yet to experience such an intimate physical interaction and maybe he never had because it seemed to go on forever, pulsing through his veins with pleasant aftershocks of love and release. He finally understood why the French called it ‘the little death’. It felt like he glimpsed heaven and it was long moments before he actually became aware of his body again. 

Rose was already tucking his softening member back into his pants and pulling up the zipper on his trousers with a secret smile. The Doctor’s trembling limbs gave way and he slid down to the floor in a boneless heap. His head lolled to the side and he caught sight of Rose, his bond mate, kneeling on the carpet with her legs folded beneath her. She was stunning. Her face and chest were blushing with exertion, the soft waves of her hair falling around her shoulders like melted gold. Her eyes were bright but a touch anxious as she watched for his reaction, worrying her swollen bottom lip between her teeth. 

He reached out for her and she scooted closer to his side. The Doctor cupped the back of her head and drew her forward for a lingering kiss. His taste on her tongue made him groan with renewed desire as their connection still sparked with pleasure. Rose crawled onto his lap, slipping her legs on either side of his hips and delving her fingers into his hair with a contended sigh. The Doctor was already thinking about laying her back against the carpet and peeling the black leggings from her skin when his stomach rumbled. Rose pulled away with a tinkling laugh that pulled his lips up into a smile. 

“Hungry,” she asked. 

He nodded, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. 

“You haven’t eaten anything yet?”

He shook his head.

“Can you speak,” she teased with a tongue-touched grin. 

“Cheek,” he rumbled as he cupped her jaw, his thumb brushing over her pink and swollen lips. 

He wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her flush against his chest as he moved his lips against hers once more. They drifted in the afterglow for long minutes; neither willing to leave their soft bubble of affection and peace but reality was quickly working its way back into his brain. Thoughts of crossed boundaries and distance tugged at him. The Doctor waited for the regret or shame to make itself know but it remained absent. He was grateful. He didn’t want to regret this. It was a beautiful, genuine, raw moment of relief and comfort that he never wanted tainted by guilt…but it could never happen again. 

He broke their kiss and the woman in his lap tried to pull away but he tightened his arm around her. “Rose, we need to talk.”

“Stop,” she said, placing her hand over his mouth. “Please. I know that you have a, no doubt, formidable argument as to why this can never happen again. But please, just for now, can we put a pin in it? Can’t we just have this one memory that doesn’t end in depression or pain?”

The Doctor studied her pleading honey brown eyes and felt her sadness steel across their connection, dimming the euphoria buzzing between them. She was fragile and vulnerable, like the wrong word from him would break her spun glass heart. He didn’t want to do that to her and if he were honest, he didn’t want to push her away. He was really enjoying this newfound intimacy and didn’t want it to end. So, he nodded, acquiescing to her request with such ease. They were putting a pin in it…deal with the consequences later, enjoy now.


	21. Since You're the One Who Crossed the Boundary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone gets some breakfast. Martha and Rose have a heart to heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well we're almost done here. Should be only one more chapter to go until the end. Are you excited? I am! Let me know what you think. 
> 
> I hope everyone is doing well out there. Whether you're self-isolating or still going to work, I hope you're finding a way to stay safe and healthy. I know that the times ahead seem daunting but we'll make it through the only way we know how...through superfluous smut and super human levels of angst filled sub-plots. At least, that's how I'll make it through. Much love to all of you!
> 
> _They were putting a pin in it…deal with the consequences later, enjoy now._

The Doctor’s easy agreement to Rose’s request surprised her; he could see it written all over her face. What could he say? It was an easy decision. He was sacrificing nothing to get everything he wanted for a few hours more. 

“Really,” she asked in disbelief. “We’re putting a pin in it?”

He nodded and mimed the action with a click of his tongue. 

She bit her lip, acting coy as she sunk her fingers into his hair again. “Can we make it one of those big industrial pins that’s hard to remove?”

He raised a playfully reproachful brow. 

Rose waved a dismissive hand through the air. “Never mind, we don’t need to talk about it now. As long as I still get to do this…” She leaned forward, teasing her delicious lips against his. 

“Yes,” the Doctor sighed, drawing her closer. 

He rubbed his hands up and down her naked back, loving the feel of her soft skin. It was silk under his fingertips and he would gladly spend countless hours of his life exploring every inch. Rose arched into his touch, brazen in her appreciation of his affection. Her kiss was tentative though, as if she didn’t trust him to not push her away. Wanting to reassure her, he deepened it and wrapped his arms around her until not even a breath separated them. She moaned and scratched her nails through his hair, pulling an answering sound from deep in his throat. 

He wanted her again already and that confused him. He should be better at controlling his lust. He used to be, didn’t he? He wasn’t always this craven for her. Maybe this was an effect of the mating bond? He knew that, as well bringing a couple closer together telepathically, bonds like this also accomplished a biological imperative: the continuation of the genetic line, procreation. For certain species, this imperative was overwhelming but it shouldn’t be for him. He was Time Lord; that urge simply shouldn’t be there…not to the point that he couldn’t ignore it. He should have control over any biological response and yet, he was growing hard for her once again. The subtle rock of her hips was creating the most delicious friction between them, heating him from the inside out. He was so tempted to live out every one of his delectable fantasies but, all too soon, Rose pulling away to suck in a much-needed breath. 

“You know I never really thought about it before,” she panted. “But, being a touch-telepath, you must really love being touched.” 

He shrugged, still dropping kisses to her neck and collarbone, making a not so subtle beeline for her breasts. “It depends on who’s doing the touching. I like being touched by you. That is very nice.” 

She hummed. “Yeah?”

“Oh yes,” he whispered, dropping a kiss to the small swell of her breast before his stomach made itself known again with a loud rumble. 

Rose chuckled. “Come on. Time for food.”

She tried to pull away, but he tightened his arms around her waist, loath to release her. “No, not yet.”

“You’re hungry,” she protested but the way she was clutching at him proved that her heart wasn’t in it. 

“I’ll be fine,” he growled, nipping at her neck and easing the sting with tongue. 

He could ignore his hunger for days…especially if it meant that he could spend more time snogging Rose Tyler. In all honesty, he was a little reluctant to leave this room. Going back into the galley, with Martha and Jack, would only quicken his self-recrimination for recent events. He knew himself well enough to know that their judgment would only test the veracity of his word. He had made Rose a promise and he didn’t want to reverse course so soon. He loved how happy she was right now. 

Proving his point, she released a breathless giggle and the sound was music to his ears. “Okay, but I’m starvin’ too. You interrupted me in the middle of breakfast remember?”

The Doctor gave a long-suffering sigh. “Let’s go then. What kind of Doctor would I be if I let my favorite human go hungry?” 

She pressed her lips to his one last time before crawling out of his lap. Rose stood on her feet, swaying just a moment before righting herself. The Doctor jumped up, steadying her.

“Are you alright,” he asked, brow furrowed in concern. 

She turned a dazzling smile on him and it filled his stomach with butterflies. “I’m fine. Just a bit of a head rush. Nothing to worry about. Though, we should probably get dressed. Jack’ll come looking for us soon, if only to catch a peek of something good, and I know Martha wants to get her family home.”

He rolled his eyes and grumbled but couldn’t argue with her logic. 

As they dressed in companionable silence, the Doctor was surprised by the deep tranquility that filled him and refused to dissipate. His mind was quiet for once, content to just drift in the pleasant rush of euphoria hormones. He took his time slipping each button of his shirt through its hole, too distracted by Rose to move with any sense of urgency. She had dressed quickly and was now picking up the few books from the floor and placing them back on the shelves with a tender touch, as if apologizing for their rough treatment of the old tomes. 

It made him smile. She was always so gentle, even to inanimate objects. Ever since she stepped aboard the TARDIS, she had treated his ship and everything in it like the treasure it was. She couldn’t have known, at the time, that the TARDIS was the last of her kind and one of the rarest creatures in the universe. That wasn’t the reason that she treated her with such esteem, no. She knew how much the ship meant to _him_ and that was reason enough. However, that respect only deepened as she grew to know more about the TARDIS. She regarded her as her own entity, as a living, breathing, sentient presence and maybe that was easy now. After all, the TARDIS and Rose shared, arguably, a deeper connection than that of the ship and her pilot. 

The Doctor wasn’t sure how he felt about that. The TARDIS always seemed to pick Rose’s side and it made it difficult for him to get his way. Don’t get him wrong, he was glad that ship and companion both held such affection for each other but sometimes, it was downright disconcerting to not be the one in charge on his own ship. He was under no illusions; he did not have the final say on whether Rose remained on the TARDIS. His ship wouldn’t allow him to kick her out; it had to be her choice. 

It would be at that point, though. He wasn’t deluded enough to believe that Rose would stay if he told her to go. Her pride would never allow that. She wouldn’t stay where she wasn’t appreciated; it was something he learned well the one time that he had dared to take her key. She wouldn’t beg him to stay…she never would. She was too proud, too strong, and that was before she was trapped in Pete’s World. It seemed those traits had only intensified since their separation. Despite her troubles, she had grown into a mature woman who exuded a quiet confidence that was sexy as hell. 

Having placed the last book on the shelf, Rose stooped down to grab his tie off the floor and ran it between her fingers as she sauntered toward him. She looped it around his neck and began weaving the knot. The Doctor’s hearts quickened; it was such a domestic ritual and it surprised him to find that he loved it. He loved the way he could settle his hands on the curve of her hips. He loved the way she bit her lip in concentration. He loved the little crease between her brows as she straightened and smoothed it against his shirt. He found that he would probably love any domestic ritual as long as she was involved. 

“Hey, I bought you this one,” she observed with a smile. 

“It’s one of my favorites.”

“I’m glad you like it.” She ducked her eyes from his admiring gaze, a hot blush staining her cheeks. “You have to stop looking at me like that or we’ll never get out of here.”

“Good. Let’s stay.” He tried to catch her lips in a kiss.

Rose laughed and danced out of his grasp so she could grab his jacket from the floor. “Come on,” she said, tossing it to him. 

He slipped it on, pouting as he took her outstretched hand. She pulled him into reluctant motion and led him from the library. Each step back to the galley stole a bit of blessed peace from him. He felt anxious and his hand tightened around hers until he was sure that he would break her but he couldn’t bring himself to let go. He followed her through the galley door, bringing the hushed conversation between Jack and Martha to an abrupt end. He held his shoulders back, refusing to acknowledge the weight of their curious gaze. Rose seemed nonplussed by the attention, letting the raw innuendo roll off of her like water off a…off a…a…whatever water slid off of. 

“Hey,” Rose soothed, squeezing his fingers before dropping his hand. “You want a cuppa?”

He nodded, running his now free hand through his hair and trying not to show how empty it felt. “Yes, please.”

She gave him a smile and walked to the sink where she began filling the kettle. The Doctor watched her go, wondering if running to her side would make him look needy. He fidgeted, shifting from foot to foot and trying to resist the impulse to bolt from the room in panic. He’d done that once today and it was embarrassing enough. He was used to feeling confident, comfortable in his own skin, and in control of his emotions. Right now, he felt lost, shipwrecked in the middle of the room, caught between looking like a clingy fool or a anxious mess. He looked to the empty chairs at the table by the door, one next to Martha and another next to Jack. He dismissed both and instead eyed the stools beneath the bar. Rose was on the opposite side at the sink, but the space still left him exposed to the others. He could feel their eyes boring holes into the side of his head, no doubt wondering why he was acting so bizarre. The sound of running water halted and he looked up to Rose’s smiling face, silently begging her for a way out of this awkward situation.

“Can you get the tea,” she asked, indicating the top shelf of the cupboard

She was throwing him a lifeline and he clutched at it with both hands. “Course.” He grabbed the box from the cupboard and brought it back to her. 

“Thanks.” She inclined her chin toward the island in the center of the kitchen and he nodded, blowing out a relieved breath. 

He leaned his long body against the counter closest to her and crossed his arms over his chest. He kept his eyes pinned to Rose, refusing to acknowledge the others. He felt bared to them right now, like they somehow knew everything that had just transpired between them. Jack looked like the cat that got the cream; he at least suspected something and was letting his imagination run wild. 

“So,” he drawled, breaking the tense silence. “What have you been up to?”

“None of your business,” Rose answered, tone light but eyes flashing with warning. She flicked the switch on the kettle and pulled the coffee pot from the machine. “More coffee Jack?”

He hid his grin behind his mug. “Please.”

She walked to the table and topped him off.

“Anything I should know,” he purred at her with a suggestive raise of his brow. 

“Let it go,” she sung back. “Martha? Coffee or tea?”

The woman in question cleared her throat, refocusing her gaze on Rose. “Coffee please.”

She poured the steaming liquid into her mug and walked back to the counter. “Okay, who wants a real breakfast?”

“Oh me,” Jack replied, raising his hand. “I’ve been waiting for someone to offer.”

“Of course you have…lazy arse.” She rolled her eyes. “Martha, you hungry?”

“Yes, please.”

“What about your family? Will they be in soon. I’m sure we can find more chairs around here if we need them.”

“Uh…the TARDIS freaks them out a bit. I don’t think even food will tempt them out of that room.”

The Doctor’s brow furrowed. “What freaks them out,” he protested. “She’s perfect.”

“Doctor, she’s bigger on the inside,” Martha explained. “And not like a little bit bigger but an entire cruise liner bigger.”

“That’s the best part!”

“Yeah, well maybe they’ve had enough strange for one year?”

The Doctor looked down at his feet, feeling the sting of her rebuke. 

“That’s okay,” Rose interrupted. “I’ll make up a tray that you can take to them. I understand, it freaked my Mum out too, at first.”

“Your mum travelled with you,” the other woman asked, shock coloring her tone. 

“Gods no,” the Doctor interjected. 

The force of his outburst left both Jack and Martha snickering into their mugs. Rose scowled at him as she passed and gave a light smack to his stomach with the back of her hand. 

“Er…sorry.”

She shook her head with an amused smile playing on her lips. “And after all the nice things she said about you.”

“Well it makes up for all the nasty things she said while she was here.” 

“Where is she now,” Martha asked. 

Rose stutter-stepped and her hands rested on the counter as if bracing herself for something unpleasant. “She’s um…she’s still in the other universe with my dad and brother.” 

Martha’s brows drew together in sympathy. “Oh, I’m sorry.”

The lighthearted mood in the room dimmed. He could feel the joviality and ease drain out of her. The Doctor moved to her side next the sink, rubbing a comforting hand across her lower back. 

“Don’t be. She’s happy and safe where she is,” Rose assured her, voice tight.

“It must hurt not to see your family though.”

She cleared her throat and shrugged, at last meeting his worried gaze with a forced smile. “Its better this way. I’m happier here; she’s happier there. It works out the best for both of us.”

The Doctor shot a look at Martha over her head that said to let the subject drop and the other woman ducked from his sharp eyes. The kettle’s shrill whistle startled Rose into motion and she extricated herself from his touch, leaving him feeling bereft from the loss of her warmth. 

Minutes later, she pressed the Doctor’s full mug into his hands and he accepted with a smile. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” she replied with a twitch of her lips before turning to regard the cupboards. “Now, let’s see if I remember where everything is.”

“Nothing’s changed.”

“Well that’s comforting to know at least.”

The Doctor reclined against the counter with his back to the table, sipping at his tea. It was perfect, as always. He swore that she made the best cuppa. Whinged was probably the word she would use, even after he informed her that Time Lords do not whinge. It never stopped him from begging her to make tea though, because she was just better at it. Rose’s theory was that the mundane task bored him, that he couldn’t keep his feet still long enough to prepare it properly…which held a note of truth; he wouldn’t lie. She always knew him too damn well.

“So Martha, how’d you get mixed up with himself then,” Rose asked, breaking the heavy silence.

“Oh! Well, we met at the hospital where I was performing my residency. He came in complaining of stomach pain.”

“Stomach pain?” She tossed him a bemused glance. 

The Doctor smiled and held up a finger. “Just wait. Listen.”

Martha launched into the story of the hospital on the moon and the Jadoon. Rose seemed fascinated by the story but he quickly tuned it out. He lived it; he didn’t need the recap. Instead he watched Rose flit between the cupboards and refrigerator, pulling out several items. Soon the galley was filled with amiable chatter and the savory scents of bacon and eggs. The Doctor marveled at how easy it was for her to break the tension. She had the uncanny ability to set people at ease. Even Martha wasn’t immune to her charms. It was one of the things he loved about travelling with her. She had a natural talent for getting information. People just wanted to talk to her. 

That had also created its fair share of problems. She attracted a lot of interest from would-be Romeo’s through their years together and it came to a point where he could fend off advances with a single look. He couldn’t blame them though. Even now she was irresistible as she worked at the stove top, a secret smile playing at the corner of her lips. He had the undeniable urge to sidle up behind her, wrap his arms around her waist and draw her back against his chest where he could nibble at her neck. Instead he gripped his mug between his hands until his knuckles went white. He couldn’t seem to wrangle his thoughts away from unsavory places. He kept thinking about earlier, about his cock sliding between her lips or the way she moaned around him. He was craving her like a drug and…

“Doctor.” Rose waved her hand in front of his face. 

“Wha- Sorry.”

Her lips lifted in knowing smile, as she smoothed his tie. “Daydreamin?” 

He cleared his throat, feeling a blush creep onto his cheeks. “Something like that.”

“Well, pay attention. Martha asked you a question.”

He turned around and Rose’s hand smoothed up his back. He suppressed compulsion to arch into her touch like a damn cat and instead raised his brows at Martha, prompting her to repeat herself. 

“How long before we can move the TARDIS?”

“Uh…Jack and I should be able to get her fixed up for a short trip in a few hours.”

“Wow Doc, that was dangerously close to a compliment? I’m flattered.”

“Shut up.”

“What about out there,” Martha asked, redirecting the conversation back to the business at hand. “I mean the Valiant and Saxon and the President. That’s quite a mess we left.”

“It’s being taken care of.”

“Unit or Torchwood,” Rose asked from his side, still running her fingers up and down his spine, leaving tingles radiating from her touch.

“Ummm…Unit,” he at last replied. “Torchwood 3 is still MIA. Jack you might want to…”

“Already done, Doc. Got ahold of them on the satphone. They’re deep in South America. It’ll take them some time to get back.”

The Doctor nodded and tried not to whimper at the loss of Rose’s touch as she rushed to save her latest batch of eggs and bacon from over cooking. Was he really so spoiled by her presence already? Fuck. If he was a mess when he lost her the first time, he’d be hopeless if he lost her again. The thought darkened his mood. Why was he doing this? Allowing himself to become even more attached to her was just a bad idea. He _was_ going to lose her. He couldn’t let himself forget that and yet, he wanted her so fucking bad. 

“Hey, Mr Distracted,” Rose barked, snapping her fingers to gain his attention. “Stop thinking so much.”

He bobbed his head and tried to look contrite. He had made her a promise. They were putting a pin in it…but with every passing moment, that mental pin lost more and more of its integrity. He shuddered to think of what would happen when they had to take it out again. Her eyes softened. He wanted to rush to her and gather her tight in his arms where he could feel the press of her curves against him, the soft heat of her skin and the reassuring thump of her heart. 

“So which one of these is yours,” she asked, inclining her head to a shelf in the cupboard. 

His thoughts derailed and his brows shot into his hairline as he regarded the shelf full of half eaten jam jars. “Erm…all of them?”

“All of them,” she exclaimed, with the ghost of a smile lifting the side of her lips. “Come on Doctor, you know the rules.”

“But Martha doesn’t even like jam,” he tried to excuse away and look innocent as he took another sip from his tea. 

“Why? What’s the rule,” Martha interjected. 

“One jar of jam at a time. I can’t use any of these now. I guess your family will have to do with dry toast.” Rose’s arched brow of reproach made him smile. They had this argument a million times before, most of which ended with them both covered in a sticky, sweet, mess. They were fond memories and she knew it. She was trying to draw him out of his mood, back to her…and it was working. 

“Why? Why can’t you use them?” 

“You haven’t noticed how he likes to eat jam straight out of the jar with his hands?”

“What?” Martha’s mouth wrinkled in distaste. “Eww. Doctor that’s disgusting.”

“Oi!”. 

“I know,” Rose agreed. “I’ve seen some of the things he picks up. I don’t know where his fingers have been.”

“I bet you do.” Jack’s quiet words landed like a bomb in the middle of the room. 

The Doctor’s last sip of tea caught in his throat and left him coughing up a lung. Rose rushed to his side, patting him on the back. After several seconds, he drew a clear breath and she led him to the table where he collapsed into a chair. 

Martha, cheeks dark with mortification, popped up and hurried to the counter, grabbing the tray. “I’ll just take this to my family.”

Rose followed her. “Martha, wait. I…”

“They’re probably hungry,” she excused herself, rushing from the room. 

Rose sighed and the Doctor was glad not to be the focus of the glare she leveled on the Captain as she made her way back to the cooktop. “Why’d you have to open your mouth Jack?”

“It was just a joke Rosie.”

“It was completely uncalled for.”

“Whatever. I’m outta here.” He made to stand up but was halted by Rose’s sharp reprimand.

“Sit your arse down, Harkness. You still haven’t eaten.”

He was reluctant to obey but Rose’s narrowed eyes left no room for argument. He lowered his bulky body back into the chair and before long two steaming plates of bacon, eggs and toast were placed in front of both of them. As she turned to leave, Jack wrapped an arm around Rose’s waist and pulled her close. Her small hands landed on his shoulders and the Doctor stifled the possessive growl that worked its way up his throat. Instead, he focused on his meal, shoveling food into his mouth. 

“Don’t be mad at me Rosie,” he pouted. 

She rolled her eyes. “That was really insensitive, Jack. You know how she feels.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“What are you two talking about,” the Doctor worked past his full mouth. 

Rose sighed and extricated herself from the Captain’s arms. “Nothing Mr Oblivious. Now give me your mug; I’ll top you off.”

“I thought I was distracted,” he reminded her. 

“You’re both.” She took his cup from his outstretched hand and went back into the kitchen.

“He’s not, you know,” Jack observed as he tucked into his breakfast with gusto. “He’s not oblivious.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The Doctor tossed a glare in his direction that warned him to shut the hell up.

“Bullshit. You know how that girl feels about you. You haven’t exactly discouraged anything.”

“I haven’t encouraged anything either.” 

“Please spare me, Doc. You just don’t want to be honest with her because you’re afraid of being alone.”

“He shouldn’t be alone,” Rose snapped as she slid the Doctor’s mug in front of him and sat down across from him with her plate.

He glanced up at her, grateful for her support against the Jack’s barbs.

“That doesn’t give him the right to play with people’s feelings.”

“Oh, because you never do that. Right Captain,” the Doctor sneered. 

Jack looked ready to throttle him. “People know what they’re getting into with me. I’m up front about it. You are never that forthcoming.”

Rose’s patience snapped. “That’s enough. Will you two stop it!” 

An tense quiet settled through the room and the three friends glared daggers at each other. It wasn’t unusual for them to have these spats. Back when the Doctor was all leather and ears, they had them often. Rose said it was a battle of egos and it drove her mental. 

“Fine,” Jack growled. “I’m done anyway.” He shoved away from the table and dumped his plate in the sink before stomping towards the door. 

“Jack wait,” Rose pleaded.

He ignored her. “I’ll be in the console room if anyone needs me.” 

His angry footfalls faded after several seconds and Rose dropped her head in her hand to rub at her temples. The Doctor felt horrible. Only a few minutes ago she’d been so happy but they ruined it. They ate in silence but all too soon it became oppressive and he ached for the easy happiness between them once again. 

“I’m sorry, Rose.”

“It’s not just your fault. He was being an arse.”

“He’s probably still a bit sore about being left behind.”

“And he has every right to be,” she snapped, dropping her fork to her plate with a clatter. “I mean, how could you do that Theta? He was our friend.”

Shame made his shoulders hunch but he was marginally comforted by the fact that she was still using that affectionate nickname. “I’m sorry, Rose. It was a hectic time. You were unconscious. I was regenerating. I was just worried about getting you back to the TARDIS where I could keep you safe.”

“Okay but what about after? Why didn’t we go back for him? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I should have. I just knew that you would be upset with me and blame yourself for his…condition. I had just changed and I was scared.”

“Scared of what?”

“That you would leave,” he murmured.

Rose sucked in a breath and her eyes softened as she reached across the table, taking his hand. “I wouldn’t have. I wouldn’t have left then and I’m not going to leave now. You’re stuck with me, remember?”

His mouth twitched into a smile and he brought her hand to his lips. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Now eat.”

They returned to their food, each eating one handed because they just couldn’t seem to relinquish their hold on each other. When they finished, the Doctor rose to his feet and deposited their plates into the sink before returning to her side. She was sipping at her tea and seemed to be contemplating the table as if it held all of life’s answers. 

“Thank you for breakfast. It was delicious.”

She glanced up at him with a wan smile. “Anytime.”

“Do you need help with the dishes or…”

“No, I’m fine. I know how you hate it. Go, fix the TARDIS. Martha wants to get home.”

“Okay, you’re the boss.”

“That’s you, remember? Mickey said so.”

“Mickey was wrong. You’ve always been the boss.”

She giggled as he brushed a loose strand of hair behind her ear and titled up her chin so he could place a soft kiss to her full lips.

“Oh wait,” he chirped as he pulled away, snapping his fingers. “I have something for you.” He rummaged through his pockets and drew her long chain out, dangling the key in front of her. Rose eyed the swaying piece of metal with a dubious grimace. “What’s wrong? I found it hanging on the console and thought you would want it back.”

She sighed. “I do. It’s just…”

“What?”

“Well it was acting as my perception filter and a telepathic dampener. I became used to wearing one in the other universe but here, with you, it’s surprisingly uncomfortable.”

The Doctor nodded. “I know but it was very effective…it targeted telepaths specifically.”

“But it worked on Jack.”

“Jack is from the 51st century and he is very old. He’s bound to have developed at least a mild telepathic awareness by now. In any case, I fixed it. Its just your average key to a time machine now.”

“Hmmm…average huh?”

“Yep. May I, Dame Rose,” he asked, gesturing toward her neck. 

“It would be my pleasure, Sir Doctor.”

He slipped the chain over her head and drew her hair out from under it. She twisted the key between her fingers, looking up at him with a tongue touched grin and, for the first time, the Doctor did what he always wanted to when she gave him that bright smile. He twined his fingers in her hair and chased after that pink tongue. All too soon they were lost in the eager press of soft lips. 

“You have to go,” she reminded him when they broke to draw in heavy breaths. 

The Doctor groaned with frustration. “Really, are you sure?”

“I’m sure that Jack is alone in the console room…touching everything.”

He paused, brows arching into his hairline. “Maybe you’re right.”

Rose’s grin drew his lips up into a smile before he pressed one last kiss to her lips. Wellll, maybe two, or three, or…argh! "Bye.”

She giggled as he darted out the door but then called, “Wait!”

His head popped back in. “What?”

“Fix things with Jack please. I hate it when you two are fighting.”

The Doctor sighed and walked back into the kitchen with his hands shoved into his pockets. “We fight all the time, Rose.”

“Yeah but normally it’s just good-natured bickering. That,” she replied, gesturing between their now empty chairs. “That was serious. Fix it, please?”

“Oh alright,” he conceded, groaning at the thought of the argument to come. “I’ll do my best.”

“Thank you.” She gave him a sweet smile and that alone made it all worth it. 

“Anything for you, Rose Tyler. So, I’ll see you later?”

“Of course.”

“Brilliant. Gotta go.” He leaned over the table and placed a quick chaste kiss to her lips before flying out the door. 

\------------------------------ 

Rose sat back in her chair, stunned. She brushed her fingertips over her lips. How was it that something so small felt so profound? After all, they did much more than kiss today but, for some reason, that quick kiss felt more important. Maybe because it felt automatic. He hadn’t agonized over it or waffled back and forth. It was his reflexive response to leaving her. It felt good. It felt right and it made her more optimistic about their chances together.   
She had almost lost him earlier while making breakfast. She could tell by his fixed scowl and weighty contemplation of his tea that his mind had started to wander down a bad road. She was able to coax him out of it, thankfully, but she also knew that she wouldn’t be successful for long. He just had a strong aversion to being happy. She understood…she didn’t agree with it but she could sympathize with his reasoning. 

He felt like he didn’t deserve happiness, like being miserable was somehow his penance for the choices he was forced to make. She spent most of her time with him trying to convince him otherwise, hoping to show him that he was the hero instead of the villain and sometimes, she was successful. Unfortunately, their separation had only reinforced his feelings of unworthiness; he thought the universe itself was punishing him for any misstep. Rose couldn’t subscribe to that opinion. She believed that the universe was indifferent and to think otherwise was overestimating your importance in it… even for a Time Lord. Still, given the unlucky events surrounding their separation, she could understand why he felt that the universe had it out for them. 

That idea made her uncomfortable though and she would rather think that their misfortunes boiled down to one thing…attitude. Or hubris, in their case, which the Doctor had in spades. He had Greek tragedy levels of hubris. In some cases, believing that he could bend time itself to his will. But putting his arrogance aside (which she decidedly shouldn’t) he also stumbled into the trap of self-fulfilling prophecy. Fighting against his fear that he would lose her had only left him where he didn’t want to be…lost without her. After all, he was the one who had slipped that big yellow button around her neck and encouraged Pete to do so with her mum. If he hadn’t made decisions for them, who knew what might have happened. Mum might have stayed, Pete and Mickey too. Then there would have been someone else there, who wasn’t soaked in void stuff, to set that lever back in place while she hung on. 

It was impossible to predict but maybe, somewhere in the multi-verse, there was a Doctor and Rose who were never separated because he made different decisions. We are the sum of our choices, the TARDIS had said, and, for her part, Rose believed that was true…even if it just eased her fears. Believing that the universe was out to get them was terrifying. How do you fight against that? It was a lot easier to think that only thing out to get the Doctor was… the Doctor. He was his own worst enemy and he punished himself enough; for the universe to pile on would just be overkill. 

Rose sighed, turning her empty mug between her fingers, mimicking her circling thoughts. It was useless to dwell on these things. If Theta was going to push her away again, there was nothing that she could do or say to change his mind. She knew that much about him. Maybe that was why she hadn’t told him about the aging thing. If he was determined to be miserable then he would be and…she didn’t want that to be the reason he picked her. If he wanted her, then he wanted her. Her aging shouldn’t change that. Jack would tell her that she was being irrational and maybe she was, but she just didn’t want their relationship to be predicated on the fact that she wouldn’t wither and die. She had deserved his love before that and she deserved his love now. 

Rose shook her head and, at last, stood from the table. She moved into the kitchen and started washing the dishes. It would take her mind off things. Obsessing over them would get her nowhere. She would just have to wait and see how things played out.

\------------------------

Martha looked around her room with bittersweet resignation, eyes catching on all of the small mementos that summarized her time aboard the TARDIS. It was strange. The time that she spent here affected her so profoundly and yet, could be boiled down to a handful of trinkets. She hadn’t made any lasting impression. Once she was gone, her belongings boxed up, the room empty…it would be like she was never here. That hurt. She liked to think that she had made some kind of impact on the TARDIS and its pilot but, after this morning, she would be deluded to think he would even remember her. After all, what was she worth in the face of his old flame? The blonde… 

She glowered. What was so good about Rose Tyler anyway? So, she was beautiful and clever and wielded some kind of omnipotent power that made her enigmatic. In what way did that make her better than Martha? After all, she traveled the earth for a year of the Master’s reign. She was under constant threat of pain and death the whole time. She was the one who saved the Doctor’s life in the end. Why couldn’t he look at her with the same devotion that he showed Rose? 

She caught sight of herself in the mirror above her dresser and scoffed. What was she doing? Feeling sorry for herself? She should be embarrassed by her actions in the kitchen. She had acted pathetic; like a scorned mistress and she didn’t have the right. She wasn’t the Doctor’s lover, no matter how much she wished otherwise. He always made it clear that he didn’t think about her like that. He also made it clear how he felt about Rose. She was perfect in his eyes and no one else could compare. It was always easy to see how deeply he cared for her and how her loss had wrecked him. Would she really begrudge him this chance at happiness? Was she that petty?

It would be easier if she could hate Rose or if she blame her for wrecking Martha’s contended life with the alien that she loved but she couldn’t quite manage it. Rose was nice, sweet, intelligent… and if circumstances were different, they might be friends. After all, it wasn’t Rose’s fault that Martha had these feelings…or that they were not returned. And it wasn’t her fault that Martha saw the sheer love in the Doctor’s eyes every time he looked at Rose and it tore her heart into smaller pieces. She was just a clearly haunted woman who had at last made it back to the Time Lord she loved. Martha shook her head in disgust as she tossed another trinket into her rucksack. Oh, it was all just so depressing. 

What was she going to do now? She wanted to keep travelling with the Doctor but she didn’t want to be a third wheel. She wasn’t going to be that pathetic friend who couldn’t take a hint. Was Rose even staying? Of course, she was. They loved each other…that much was obvious. Could she stick around and see _that_ every day? What about her family? She couldn’t even get them out of this room. She had been trying for hours but she was still unsuccessful. They were nervous about being on board the TARDIS but she couldn’t blame them; it had been a tough year for them all. They went from being imprisoned by a psychotic Time Lord to riding around in another’s sentient spaceship. She understood their hesitation. She looked to where her sister and father lay sleeping in the bed and then to her mother in the chair beside them. They were exhausted and on edge. Would they ever be able to recover from what they experienced without her help? 

She glanced at her mother. Her face was pale, eyes still puffy from crying. Martha dropped her rucksack and crossed to the chair, kneeling beside her. “Mum, are you alright? Don’t you want to sleep.”

She waved her away. “I don’t think I could even if I wanted to.”

“Well, can I get you anything?”

“Maybe another pot of tea,” she asked, handing the empty white pot to her. 

Martha grimaced and nodded. Of course, the British answer to all problems...tea. That meant going back into the galley. Maybe this time she could manage being there without making a fool of herself. “Tea it is,” she at last replied before making her way to the door. “Bye, mum.”

The other woman didn’t reply.

\--------------------------------------

Martha tiptoed into the galley just as Rose finished stacking drying dishes in the sink. She held an empty tea pot in her hands and wore a sheepish expression on her face.   
Rose smiled at her and tossed a towel over her shoulder. “Martha?”

“My mum wants more tea, if that’s okay.” Her voice cracked and she fidgeted. 

“Of course,” Rose scoffed with a dismissive wave of her hand. “You don’t need to ask me…you know that. You probably know this place better than I do, now.”

Martha huffed out a hollow laugh and shifted on her feet. 

Rose chewed on her lip. This was painfully uncomfortable. Needing something for her hands to do, she filled the kettle and flicked the switch before she turned back to Martha who had taken a seat at the counter, idly turning the white pot between her fingers. 

Rose rubbed the back of her neck. “I’m sorry about Jack earlier. I hope he didn’t upset you. He can be a bit insensitive sometimes.”

Her sharp brown eyes whipped up, filled with annoyance. “Why would he have upset me?”

She cleared her throat and her hand rose to fiddle with her earring but found nothing there. “I-I-I don’t know. You just seemed a little...”

“Well m’not!” She huffed in frustration. 

“Okay.” Tense silence settled between them as water boiled away in the kettle. 

Martha sighed. “I’m sorry. I just want to get home. My family is worrying me and I’m so exhausted.”

“The year you’ve had, I bet you are,” Rose agreed. “Our first trip will have to be somewhere relaxing. We all need a vacation.”

“Oh I’m not...” Martha paused, rubbing her nail into divot on the counter. 

“Not?”

“You would want me to come with you?”

“Yeah,” Rose said with a smile. “I don’t want to be outnumbered by Jack and the Doctor. It will be nice to have another human woman around to talk to, no offense meant to the TARDIS of course.”

The lights flashed and Martha almost growled. “Even she likes you better than me.”

“What? The TARDIS?”

“Yes, I’m pretty sure she hates me.”

“Oh no,” Rose dismissed. “Of course, she doesn’t. You saved her Time Lord after all. There’s no better way to earn her affection.”

The lights pulsed again and Martha sighed. She slumped down on the counter, head resting on her hands. 

Rose’s brow furrowed in concern. “What did you mean before? Why did you think that I wouldn’t want you travelin’ with us?”

Martha shrugged. “I thought that you and the Doctor might want some time...alone.”

Rose blushed, jumping when the kettle whistled. She took the pot and filled it with hot water. Placing a few tea bags inside to steep, she then turned back to the other woman, drumming her fingertips on the counter. “I think I need to clear up a misunderstanding.”

Martha’s brown eyes darted to hers, filled with curiosity.

“Jack said that the Doctor talked about me a lot and that it was driving you a little mad.” Martha opened her mouth to protest but Rose lifted a hand to stop her. “I think when we lose people close to us, we tend to start idealizing them in our minds. Their failings fall away and we start to see them through rose colored glasses (if you’ll excuse the pun). I know it did for me. I told my little brother stories about the Doctor all the time and his faults, of which he has many, never made an appearance. I’m pretty sure my brother thinks he’s perfect but he’s not. Do you see what I’m saying?”

Martha nodded. 

Rose took a deep breath. “I’m not perfect, no matter what the Doctor said. And to be completely honest, you have more right to be here than I do. Jack said that you’re a doctor. It seems like you’re the perfect companion for him.”

“But that’s different. You weren’t just his companion, you were... well, the way he talks about you, you were…ya’ know…together.”

Rose winced and bit her tongue between her teeth. “The Doctor and I were very close. We were best mates but that’s all we were. We weren’t...romantically involved.”

“What?! Are you having a laugh?”

“M’not.”

“Wow. He was always pining for you. I just thought…but you are now, yeah? I mean it was kind of impossible to miss the chemistry between you.”

Rose’s answering smile was sad and knowing. “I wouldn’t put too much faith into that either. The Doctor has always been flighty and prone to changing his mind. He probably already has...it wouldn’t be the first time. He doesn’t do domestic.” She leaned across the counter and placed a hand over Martha’s folded ones. “I just...if you want to leave just make sure it’s because you want to and not because of me. I’m just his friend…like you. I have no say over who stays on this ship and, more than that, I would enjoy getting to know you. You’ll always be welcome here.”

Martha’s lips twitched into a smile and the two relaxed into comfortable conversations, about families and adventures when her face turned curious. “Rose, if you don’t mind me asking…on the Valiant, what happened to you? You know, when you became whatever it was that you became.”

She took a deep breath and blew it out between pursed lips. “Oh, that’s a very very long story but to summarize, I’m connected to the TARDIS and through her, the entire time vortex. I wish I could explain it in scientific terms but that’s not my expertise. The Doctor would do a better job.”

“So, if you’re some sort of all powerful being that could do anything you want with a flick of your hand, why not just snap your fingers and set everything to right?”

She scrunched up her nose in contemplation. “A few reasons. Firstly, because I’m not all powerful. I’m human and drawing on that energy drains me. Secondly, I was distracted. The Doctor was being an arse and I couldn’t focus beyond instinctual things. I can’t manipulate it at will. Which leads me to my third reason; I was scared of what might happen. What if I didn’t do it right? What if I screwed up and somehow brought Hitler back or something? I do NOT want to be responsible for that.”

Martha chuckled. “Anything else?”

“You.” Rose pinned her with an intense gaze.

Her brow furrowed. “Me?”

“Yes, you.”

“Why?”

Rose sighed; gaze focused on her fingers as she drew shapes on the countertop. “Well... Okay, I’m going to tell you something but it does not leave this room. I don’t need this getting back to the Doctor and inflating his ego any more than it already is.”

Martha mimed locking her mouth and throwing away the key. 

She smiled. “When I was traveling with the Doctor, he saved my life more times than I could count and it far outweighed, I felt, the times I saved him.” She paused looking to the ceiling with cheeks burning pink. “But those times that I did save him were always my favorite. I would show up to rescue him and he would just beam at me with this huge smile filled with pride. No one in my whole life had ever looked at me like that. I loved that moment. I loved making him proud.” Rose cleared her throat. “So, when I looked at you on the Valiant, even though I had no idea what the Doctor told you to do, I knew that you spent a fucking _year_ doing it and it was a probably a year of hell, the worst year of your life. You deserved that moment, that moment when he looks at you like you are the brightest star in the sky, because you are. You saved the entire universe from the Master’s wrath. You’re a hero Martha Jones and you deserved to feel that.”

“Th-Thank you,” she murmured, cheeks tinging with color. 

“Well, it’s the truth.”

“You know Rose,” she said with furrowed brow. “You’re a lot different than I thought you would be.”

“He didn’t make me sound that bad, did he?”

“No, no,” she replied with a half-hearted chuckle. “He always spoke very highly of you. You could see how much losing you hurt him.”

Rose looked down at her hands. “Hmm. He makes it very difficult to hate him.”

“He makes it very difficult to love him.”

“That’s the Doctor I guess,” she said, voice tight with emotion. “He’s a mystery wrapped in a contradiction.”

“Heh…yeah. I guess we wouldn’t have him any other way, though.”

“No…I guess we wouldn’t.”

A tense silence settled between them before Martha picked up the tea pot and headed for the door. “Well, I better get this back to my mum. She’ll wonder where I’ve gone off to.”

“Okay. Let me know if you guys need any help with…anything.”

“I will.” She turned to leave but paused just inside the doorway. “Oh, and Rose?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

“Anytime,” she replied with a smile.


	22. To the Other Side of the Night (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack plays the role of counselor to both the Doctor and Rose. The Doctor leans a secret that could change everything, if he wasn't so stubborn. Martha and the rest of the Jones family say goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! I hope you are all safe and healthy on this beautiful Monday morning. I hope Easter, Passover, or just Sunday was still enjoyable, even if you couldn't be around family. Ummm, so this chapter. 
> 
> This was supposed to be the last chapter but as I wrote, it kept getting longer and longer. I had to split it in two or it would have been close to 13k words. Don't worry though I'll post both parts today. I hope you enjoy! Let me know what you think. Thank you for reading!

An hour spent lost under the console and the Doctor was already frustrated. The TARDIS was looking better but there was still a tedious amount of work to be done and all he really wanted to do was go back to Rose. He wanted to experience all of those small things that he had taken for granted and missed during her absence. The warmth of her weight against his side as they snuggled on the sofa in the library. The scent of her hair as she twirled strands between her fingers when she concentrated on whatever book or magazine caught her attention. The way her humming had echoed around the console room, soothing his irritation with even the most stubborn of repair issues. Maybe he could ask her to sit with him now. Would that seem dependent? Was he dependent? There was something unnerving about how deep she had settled into his hearts and mind once again after such a short amount of time. It scared him to think about how empty he would feel if he lost her now. 

_Your attachment to her is embarrassing. _ The memory of the Master’s taunts slipped insidious tendrils around his thoughts. 

He should be embarrassed. He told the Master that most of his thoughts about Rose were just a fantasy, a pipe dream that never held a touch of reality. But if that were true, then what was he doing now? What was he allowing to happen? The memory of his actions in the library made his cheeks heat with both shame and still… desire. His people would say that he debased himself with those carnal acts (He could just imagine the judgment on Romana’s face), but he didn’t feel debased. He felt…a shiver worked its way down his spine…he felt awakened, as if he just opened his eyes. Colors were brighter, scents were stronger, and his skin felt over-sensitized, like every nerve ending was reaching out for contact. He felt out of control; his desires and thoughts drifting to places that he knew better left alone. He kept thinking about her skin, the way she tasted, the way her breath hitched in his ear when he ran his tongue along the curve of her neck. He shook the vivid memory from his thoughts. Is this what it felt like to be human with a constant bombardment of pesky hormones that made his mind fuzzy? 

The very fact that he had to ask that question was a problem. He was a Time Lord; he should be above this. Argh, he needed to talk to Rose; he needed to put a stop to this. Suddenly, a coupling above his head fell loose, smacking him right between the eyes. He hissed, blinded by pain, and pulled himself up through the grating, curses falling from his lips. The Doctor shook his vision clear and glared at the console before landing a swift kick against it with a frustrated huff. 

“Look if you’re going to sigh dramatically on a near constant basis, at least let me grab a bottle of hypervodka. I can turn it into a drinking game. That would be more entertaining,” Jack grumbled from where he stood on the other side of the console. 

“Oh, you’re talking to me now,” he asked, rubbing at his forehead. “Minutes ago you seemed only too happy to pretend that I don’t exist.”

“I wish I could but all that angst is difficult to ignore. What’s wrong with you? Getting too much of everything you wanted?”

“No,” he snapped. “What’s wrong with you? Still sulking about being left behind.”

“I have every right to sulk! That was…”

“Horrible, I know! I’m a miserable friend and an even worse Doctor. I know!” The Doctor blew out a frustrated breath and collapsed into the jump seat. 

Jack paused, brow furrowing. “What?”

“What I did to you was wrong Jack. I shouldn’t have left you behind.”

He passed a skeptical eye over him. “Are you only saying that to get on Rose’s good side?”

“No,” he replied with a mirthless chuckle. “She just happens to be right about this one. I shouldn’t have left you there. I should have at the very least come back for you once everything calmed down.”

“So, why didn’t you?”

The Doctor rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. “Regeneration is never easy and that one was…particularly difficult for both me and Rose. I couldn’t be there for her during a crisis and she had to face some pretty horrific circumstances…alone.”

“Which I’m sure she overcame with grace and diplomacy.”

A smile flitted over his features. “She was making a valiant effort.”

“Before you stumbled in and stole her thunder? I bet she was relieved to see you.”

“Heh. Yes, relieved…and hurt…and unsure…and scared. I’ve never seen her scared of me before.”

“Well you’ve never given her reason to be scared. She trusts you and expects that same trust in return. Do you give her that?”

He snorted in derision. “I didn’t even tell her about regeneration before it happened. She didn’t believe that I was who I said I was, not at first.”

“Jeez Doc, can you blame her? She just watched the man she adored change every cell in his body in a few seconds. It makes sense that it would take her time to adjust or to trust again.”

“I know, I know, and she was quick to change her mind but even after, things between us still felt damaged. She lost some faith in me. I was concerned.”

“By?”

He flushed. “I thought she might leave.”

Jack snorted. “Then concerned is mild. I bet you were terrified. I’ve seen how you are with her.”

The Doctor looked down, studying his hands. “In any case, I’d like to make it up to you. Would you want to come with Rose and I? Get the old team back together? “

“So, Martha’s leaving then? I knew she was thinking about it but didn’t know that she’d made a decision.”

“I’m almost positive. She hasn’t said much but her family was caught up in this whole mess. She’ll want to be with them.” 

The other man shifted. “Look what I said about her…”

The Doctor stiffened and raised a single brow in warning. 

“Don’t get furious yet,” he said. “I just want to say I’m sorry. It’s not my place to judge things between you.”

“Thank you.”

“I would just say that you could make it a little less obvious that you and Rose were shagging like rabbits.” He cocked his brow.

The Doctor startled and had to steady himself before he didn’t fall off the seat. “We didn’t…I mean we haven’t…we’re not doing that,” he stuttered. 

“Oh, cut the crap. I have eyes. Have you even seen your hair? It looks like you were caught in tornado. Don’t get me started on Rose. Her lips were swollen, cheeks flushed, breasts just a little heavier.”

The Doctor tuned a glare on him. “Stop talking!”

“What?”

“Don’t talk about her…her…” His lips refused to form the word. 

“Breasts?”

“Yes!”

Jack raised his hands in surrender. “Sorry Doc, I was just making an observation.”

“Well, don’t observe. No looking, no touching, no thinking about her like that. Got it,” he asked raking a hand through his hair.

“Okay, okay she’s yours. I get the message,” he assured him. “I got it a long time ago but back then, you said it with a glare. Never saw you react like this.” 

“That’s because I don’t react like this! And she’s not mine! I never made a claim to her.”

“Believe it or not, that’s what you just did. You don’t have to sound so angry about it. She’s been yours since the before we met, nothing new there. I’m just glad you got it out in the open. All that sexual tension made it difficult to be around you,” he complained.

“There is no sexual tension.”

Jack laughed outright. “Wow! I’ve heard you tell some doozies in the past but that lie has to top them all.”

He growled under his breath and melted against the back of the jump seat, rubbing at his temples.

The Captain sighed and joined him. “Okay Doc, all jokes aside…what’s really bothering you?”

“I just don’t…I’ve never…”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you about to tell me that you’ve never been with a woman? You know, sexually?”

The Doctor looked up at the ceiling grasping at the final shreds of his patience. “I can’t believe I’m even having this conversation with you.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that you were just overflowing with people to talk to right now. By all means, ask one of them, since you trust them so much more than me, but don’t sit there and act like you don’t need help, especially if you don’t have experience."

“I have experience,” he argued with a note of condescension. “I’m over nine hundred years old. My prowess extends far beyond one human woman.”

“Okay, let’s say I believe you. If that’s not the problem, then what is?”

The Doctor rolled his eyes and snapped, “It’s just different now…with her.”

“What was it like before?” 

“It was…fine.”

“Fine?” Jack raised a skeptical brow.

“Ugh! Don’t read so much into it. It was fine.”

“Doc, it should never just be fine.”

“It wasn’t horrible. I just didn’t understand the hype. I didn’t understand why beings across the universe write verses upon verses of brilliant prose on the subject or wage wars over it. I never felt out of control or overcome by passion,” he replied with a hint of derision.

“And now you do?”

The Doctor held the other mans’ gaze, hoping that he could read the answer on his face and he wouldn’t need to say the words aloud.

Jack nodded and sighed. “Yeah, I can see how that would be frustrating. But you know, they’re not writing sonnets about random intercourse. It’s about …making love.”

He scoffed. “What’s the difference? It’s just a different name for the same act.”

“It really isn’t.” Jack ran a hand through his hair. “Doc, have you ever been physically intimate with someone you loved? Not just liked or respected or found vaguely interesting. Have you ever made love to someone that you shared a connection with, like the one you share with Rose?”

He looked up, eyes wide with surprise. “She told you about that?”

“She kind of had to after the third night she woke up sobbing and babbling something incomprehensible about you.”

The Doctor groaned and leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, grasping his head between his hands. “Jack, this all so wrong.”

“What do you mean? Because of the nightmares?”

“No, not just that. Although, it is something that needs to be considered. Along with the fact that I’m old enough to be her ancestor.”

“I don’t think age really means much in a time traveling spaceship, does it? I think I remember a grumpy Northerner who would remind me that on Gallifrey you’re nine hundred but on some distant moon you’re twenty-five. Age is only a number, within reason of course.”

“You do realize that exact reasoning has been used to victimize a lot of people.”

“Argh! Come on, Doc. All decent creatures know that it is wrong to hurt kids. That’s not what we’re talking about here and you know it. Rose is adult enough to make her own decisions and besides with her suspended aging thing, this is moot point.”

He jerked to immediate attention. “Her what?”

Jack’s brows shot into his hair line and he sucked in a sharp breath. “What?”

The Time Lord’s eyes narrowed. “What do you mean her ‘suspended aging thing’?”

“Uh, I’m sorry?”

“Jack,” he growled in warning.

He grimaced and cursed under his breath before rubbing a hand over his brow. “I can’t believe that she hasn’t told you.”

“So, you tell me,” he replied in a tone that brokered no argument. 

“Look I think it would be best if you just went and talked to her. That way she can tell you everything and I don’t have to be the asshole who fucked this up.”

“Talk, Captain!”

“Okay, okay, okay. I’ll tell you what I know.”

The Doctor pressed his tongue against the back of his teeth and prompted him to continue with an impatient wave of his hand.

He sighed. “While she was in the other universe, doctors discovered that her cellular degeneration was virtually suspended. Her cells aren’t breaking down over time like a normal human. She has, in effect, stopped aging.”

The Doctor ground his jaw. “What kind of tests did they run?”

“I don’t know.” 

“Did they ever figure out why?”

Jack gave a helpless shrug. “I don’t know. She didn’t say.”

“What did she say?!”

“I told you everything she told me. I swear. We didn’t go into deep detail about it. I just took it at face value. It happened to me. Why couldn’t something similar happen to her?”

The Doctor deflated against the worn leather, mouth hanging open in shock.

“I thought this would be good news. Why do you look so…alarmed?”

“I just…I never…There’s so much to think about. What if her aging has resumed now that she’s back in the prime universe? What if it accelerated? Her body and mind have gone through rapid shifts and who knows what the side effects could be? She could be unstable.”

“You should just go talk to her.”

“No, not yet. I-I need to think. I can’t believe she didn’t tell me,” he said in disbelief. 

Jack approached his side. “Look Doc, just talk to her.”

The Time Lord looked around the room and shook his head. “No, we’re almost done here. I told Martha that I would get her family home soon. We should take care of them first. Go...make sure they're ready.”

“Doc.”

“I said go, Captain. The sooner we get this finished, the sooner we can...” He took a deep breath and released it from pursed lips. "Just go."

Jack sighed but did as he was told with a muttered curse. 

\-------------------------------------

Rose opened the door to her room, staring around the updated surroundings with a raised brow. It was beautiful and it suited her current tastes much more than the pink. The walls were a calming taupe that shimmered in the right light. Her canopied princess bed was exchanged for an elegant sleek headboard in dark mahogany carved with roses, flanked on either side by matching beside tables. A soft lavender bedspread was simple and inviting, soothing on the eyes. Her dark vanity still stood next to the wardrobe in the corner and the weathered wingback chair near her bed remained unchanged...the Doctor’s chair. Or so she deemed it because she never sat there, preferring the comfort of the thick ivory carpet or her bed. She liked that he had a space in her room and she always kept it clear of clutter or her unmentionables that made him blush. 

“Hey Rose, we need to talk,” came Jack’s urgent voice from behind her but as he stepped through the door, he let loose a low whistle. “Swanky new digs. I like it.”

“Yeah?” 

“It’s nicer than mine,” he grumbled. 

“That’s because I’m the favorite,” she said with a confident smirk.

“Spoiled brat.”

She stuck out her tongue in response and jumped onto the mattress with a satisfying bounce. “So, what’s up? What do we need to talk about?”

He winced. “Oh…right.” 

He tried to settle next to her on the bed but she stopped him with a stern finger. “I don’t think so Jack Harkness. You will not be getting my new duvet all covered in grease.”

“Your what?”

“My duvet,” she replied rolling her eyes. “Don’t play dumb. You know what it means. You can sit there.” She pointed to the grease stained chair. 

He glared at her but obeyed, plopping his large frame into the chair with a grumble. “You know I think your mother was right. What was it she said you had? Airs and graces?”

Rose snorted and grabbed a pillow, squishing it to her chest. “The life we lived in the other universe, she developed airs and graces too.”

“Hmm,” he replied, looking down at his dirty hands. “Can you at least get me a towel or something, your highness? Or are the peasants not allowed to be clean?”

“Blimey,” Rose sighed as she rolled off the bed. “You really can whinge.”

She walked into the bathroom and her eyes went wide at what she found. The door to the Doctor’s room was still across form hers and on the marble countertop next to it, all of her toiletries were arranged around the sink beside his. She walked toward it and picked up her toothbrush turning it between her fingers. They were sharing a bathroom? She eyed the shower at the far end of the room, brow raising at its…vastness. This was going to be interesting. She shook herself into action before she could get too lost in her thoughts. Reaching into a cupboard, she pulled out a flannel and wet it before returning to her bedroom. 

“What’s wrong,” Jack asked, brow furrowed. 

“Nothing,” she replied, tossing the flannel to him.

He caught it with characteristic ease and began wiping at his fingers. “Then what are those little wrinkles above your nose?”

“Nothing, it just appears that the Doctor and I are sharing a bathroom. I’m not sure what he’s gonna think of that.”

“Ah…yeah. About that.” He studied his hands. 

Rose glowered. “What did you do? Did you pick another fight with him?”

“No, not exactly.” He paused, looking sheepish. “I picked a fight for you.”

“What does that mean?”

“I might have mentioned that you’re not getting older,” he explained, refusing to meet her widening eyes. 

“What?! No, no, no,” she groaned, covering her face with her hands. “Why did you do that?”

“Because I thought you had told him! Why haven’t you told him,” he asked, punctuating each word with a smack of his hands.

“I was going to.”

“When?!”

“When I was ready,” she replied and then released a heavy breath, making her way toward the door. “I better go talk to him.”

“Honestly, I’d give him a minute.” His guilty blue eyes looked up through his fringe with a warning in their depths. 

She came to an abrupt stop. “Really? Is he cross?” 

He grimaced. “He’s not…pleased.”

Rose walked back to the bed and collapsed on top of it, tossing her arm over her eyes. “Ugh! And everything was going so well.”

Jack leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees and rubbing his hands together. “I know. I’m sorry, Rose.”

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault; it’s mine. I should have just told him.”

“Why didn’t you?”

She released a sigh from between pursed lips. “Because we were putting a pin in it.”

“In what?”

“The us discussion,” she explained, turning onto her stomach where she could look Jack in the eye. “We were going to try and just enjoy the moment. It was an agreement we came to after…” She trailed off, cheeks turning pink.

“After what?” He raised a salacious brow. “Because the Doctor swears that you didn’t have sex.”

“I guess that depends on whether you subscribe to the Clintonian definition of the word.” She shrugged. 

Jack’s brows drew together. “The Clint… oh! OH!” A filthy grin tugged at his lips. “Oh, I would have paid good money to see that.”

She laughed, blushing bright pink.

“Just the look on his face when you-“

“Okay, okay, that’s enough.”

“Come on Rosie. You have to talk to someone about it. You’re bursting at the seams.”

“I’m not giving you the dirty details, sorry. Suffice to say that it was...fantastic.” Her dreamy smile said enough.

“Okay, but how are you doing? I’ve heard that intimate situations between telepaths can be intense.”

“It was intense,” she agreed. “I mean I felt things that I didn’t even know were possible. I don’t know if he was just caught up in the moment, but he was so open to me.”

“You mean he isn’t normally?”

She shook her head with a rueful smile. “Even with this ‘bond’ he manages to keep his thoughts and feelings locked up pretty tight. I mean he has his lapses, in more...intimate or emotional moments but in general no. He keeps himself well contained. Meanwhile I can’t hide much of anything from him.”

“That must be frustrating.”

“It is…and embarrassing. I feel like I’m screaming at him to touch me. I feel addicted to his touch. I just want his hands all over me!”

Jack winced in sympathy. “Yeah, I’ve heard that can happen. You have to understand that these types of relationships still have a biological component.”

She gave him a perplexed look. 

“What I mean is they are still geared toward the propagation of the genetic line. Now, how susceptible you are to that urge depends on your species and how evolved you are from your animal ancestors. It’s unfortunate that the Doctor, being from a highly evolved race and ancient himself, is going to feel these effects to a lesser extent than you because ...well, you’re human, original human. In your time the human species was still in its infancy. You are bound to be more susceptible to your primitive monkey brain.”

Rose groaned and her face crumpled in a petulant frown. “How is that even fair?!”

Jack shrugged. “Well, who knows? The Doctor is the last of his species. You have to assume that the urge to procreate would be high. Maybe he’s feeling it just as much as you are.”

She raised a curious brow. “Did he tell you that?”

“Oh no,” he replied. “I’ve already betrayed one friends trust today. I’m not going to pile on.”

“At least even it up!”

“Not a chance. If you want to know, you’ll have to talk to him about it.”

“What the hell am I supposed to say? Hey Doctor, I know you’re not entirely comfortable with this development, but my primitive ape brain is super horny and has the overwhelming desire to shag you senseless against the console.”

“Hey,” he replied with wave of his hand. “It would work for me.”

“Come on, Jack! Give me something here.”

“What do you want me to say Rose? You’re different species. You’re bound to experience these things in different ways. Maybe he’d be willing to...”. He trailed off lifting a suggestive brow. 

Rose sighed and rubbed at her forehead. “Oh no. He’s on the run now. He’s angry and probably ready to toss me off the TARDIS.”

“You know that’s not true.”

She shook her head, a deep frown pulling at her lips. “No, I screwed up. Why does it feel like I’m always doing that with him? Saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing or being the wrong thing?”

“Rose, why didn’t you tell him? The truth.”

She glanced at him and then away, cheeks heating in embarrassment. “I don’t want it to matter. I don’t want it to be the thing that finally stops us doing this dance around each other. I don’t want to believe that I…that I wasn’t enough before.”

“Rose.”

“I know, I know,” she brushed him off. “I’m being irrational.”

“And selfish.”

Her head snapped toward him. “Selfish?”

“Yes,” he replied. “You want him to make you feel confident in your relationship by acknowledging what you mean to him but denying him the same sense security. It isn’t unreasonable that knowing you will be around for an extended period of time would make him feel secure. After all, people have been leaving him his whole life.”

Rose’s lips parted and her brows drew together. “Fuck! You might be right. How did I not see that?”

“Because you’re both scared of getting hurt and it’s causing some blind spots. Look Rosie, this is all so new and you’re both adjusting. You’ve gotta give him some time. It will get better.”

She grimaced. “I wish I could believe that but...”

Jack moved to sit beside her on the bed but this time, instead of scolding him, she sat up and burrowed into his side. “But?”

“I don’t think he wants me,” she admitted in a small voice. “Not for real. I mean, what happened before, that was all just a release of emotion, right? Just an ‘I’m so glad you’re safe and home’ conversation that spiraled out of control but I don’t think he wants me in a permanent way. I think...” She sniffled. “I think he might be ashamed of me.”

“Oh kiddo.” Jack squeezed her close, running soothing fingers through her hair. “You listen to me. He is not ashamed of you and the man I saw losing his mind over you yesterday wants you more than he wants to breathe.”

Rose looked up at him and wiped away a tear. “Yeah?”

“Oh yes,” he replied. “And don’t ever let him make you think otherwise. Just give him some time.”

She nodded and sighed, wiping the tears from her cheeks. “Oh, for fuck’s sake! You think I could go one hour without balling like a baby.”

Jack pressed a kiss to her hair. “It’s okay to cry, Rose. You’ve been through a lot but when you’re done, pull yourself together and face the next hurdle. Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“And right now, that means helping me get the Jones family ready. You up for it,” he asked, rising to his feet.

She nodded and slipped her hand into his waiting one. “Sure. I don’t think I could face him right now anyway.”

“Probably best to wait until Martha is gone. I doubt that argument is going to be a quiet one, knowing you two.”

“Oi!”

“Sorry sweet cheeks, but you two know how to row.” 

“Still, that was a low blow.”

“I wouldn’t worry about it too much; you always seem to make it through them in one piece.” He pulled her hand through the crook of his arm and led her from the room.

“Yeah,” she sighed, not looking forward to the coming confrontation but knowing, somewhere in her heart, that Jack’s assurances would prove accurate…even if it took some time. She could be patient. She waited twelve years to get back to the Doctor. If she could get through that, she could get through anything. “Maybe you’re right.”

\--------------------------------------------

The console room was alive with chatter as the TARDIS touched down at her destination. The Doctor looked to the monitor. Everything seemed to be in order, right time, right place… for once. The excitement and relief of Martha’s family was palpable and that should please him, but he couldn’t keep from feeling melancholy. Martha was leaving, of that much he was certain. He couldn’t blame her. He knew that her family needed her right now but…he hated endings and this one seemed heavier than it should. After all, he had Rose and Jack; he wasn’t alone but that wasn’t much comfort. 

His eyes lingered on Rose’s back for a few seconds and he watched the muscles in her shoulders bunch. She could feel his gaze and yet still she ignored him. He didn’t understand why it irritated him but he wanted some outward acknowledgment of the tension between them. He couldn’t stand the fact that she breezed into the console room with Martha and Tish, laughing like nothing weighed on her. She could at the very least show some regret. How could she have kept something so important from him? Who knew what it meant for her? For them. He sighed. He couldn’t even contemplate that right now. It was too much. Martha was leaving and that was all could focus on at the moment. He could think about things with Rose later. 

The rest of the Jones family filed out of the doors without sparing him another glance, too eager to be rid of the strange man and blue box that had ruined their lives. Not for the first time, he wondered if it was fair for him to be interfering in the lives of his companions. He always seemed to leave them in ruins. His eyes caught on Rose as she followed Jack to the door. Even she wasn’t left unscathed by his trail of destruction. Her entire physiology was rewritten and it wouldn’t be easy for her to adapt. This would be the second time she had to rebuild her life. She lost her whole family, any friends. She was alone in this universe save for he and Jack. She must be feeling…insecure…maybe he should be forgiving toward her. As if she could hear his thoughts, she turned and quirked her lips in a sad smile before slipping out of the doors. His brows pinched in concern. 

Martha cleared her throat, startling him from his thoughts. She lingered by the console, a faint smile playing on her lips. “So, I guess this is goodbye for now?”

The Doctor shoved his hands in his pockets and shrugged. “For now.”

She trailed wistful fingers along various buttons and levers. “I won’t lie. I will miss it…the travelling.”

“You could always stay,” he offered but he was already distracted, his eyes lingering on the doors.

“Look at you,” Martha said with a strained laugh. “I’ve never seen you like this before, so unsure and emotional. That woman has you tied in knots.”

His eyes snapped back to her and he ducked his head in embarrassment. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Ha! You’ve got it bad my friend. You can’t keep your eyes off of her for more than a second,” she replied. 

He flushed, running a hand over the back of his neck. “I’m sorry, I-“

“It wasn’t meant as a criticism,” she interjected. “It’s actually a bit of a relief to see that you’re a more human than I thought. You’re always larger than life. It’s kinda nice to know that even a Time Lord can be lovesick.”

“Time Lords don’t get lovesick.”

She smirked. “Maybe Time Lords don’t but you certainly do.”

The Doctor stopped short, brow furrowing. 

She noticed and shook her head. “I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. It’s nice to see a change from the brooding.”

“Brooding? I don’t brood.”

She chuckled. “Then you know even less about yourself than I first thought.”

“Weren’t we discussing something else,” he asked in a shameless attempt to turn the subject away from his character flaws. “Ah, yes. You were about to say how much you love it on board the TARDIS and that you can’t bear to leave.”

“I don’t think so, mister,” she said with a wry grin. Martha stepped closer and straightened his jacket but all to soon her smile faded. “I can’t stay. I just can’t.”

He bobbed his head. “Yeah. Okay.”

“I spent all these years training to be a doctor and now I’ve got people to care for,” she explained. “They saw half the planet slaughtered and they’re devastated. I can’t leave them.”

He shook his head. “Of course, not.”

“Besides, you won’t be alone. You have Rose again,” she replied, throat tight. “I know how much you’ve missed her.”

The Doctor studied his feet and shifted under her probing stare. 

“You were right about her,” she remarked. “She is brilliant.”

“Yeah, she is but the TARDIS is infinite, you know. There is room enough for both of you.”

Martha nodded. “And Rose said as much. She was kind and gracious. It made me understand what you see in her but…” She studied her hands and took a sharp breath. “See it’s like my friend Vicki. She lived with this bloke in student housing, all crammed together, and this bloke was called Sean. And she loved him. She absolutely adored him, talked about him all the time.”

He looked up brows rising at the levity in her tone. “Is this going somewhere?”

“Yeah it is,” she said, her smile fading. “Because he never looked at her twice.”

His mouth tightened and he nodded. 

“I mean he liked her but that was it,” she continued with a pointed stare. “And she wasted _years_ pining after him, years of her life, because while he was around, she never looked at anyone else.” She gestured toward him with a single wave of her hand. “And I told her, I always said to her, time and time again, I said, ‘Get out.’” Martha pulled in a deep cleansing breath and straightened her shoulders. “So, this is me…getting out. I can’t watch you move on with your life while I stay stuck in the same place.”

The Doctor swallowed. “Fair enough.” The awkward moment seemed to stretch between them forever until at last, his lips quirked upwards. “Thank you…for everything.” The Doctor stepped forward and gathered her into a tight hug. When he pulled back, the tension had dissipated, and a true genuine smile lit both of their faces. “You saved the world Martha Jones.”

“So I’ve been told. You know I spent a lot of time with you thinking I was second best, but I am pretty good,” she stated scrunching her face.

His shoulders lifted in a chuckle. 

“Goodbye Doctor.” She stood on her toes and pressed a kiss to his cheek before turning and making her way down the gangway but when she reached the doors, she stopped and clicked her fingers. “I forgot.” She reached into her pocket and tossed him her cell phone. “Keep that. If it rings, you better come running.”

He caught it with deft fingers and tilted it in agreement. “I will.”

“I’ll see you again, mister.” A fond grin found her face and he returned it before she walked out the door. 

The Doctor tucked the phone into his jacket pocket and circled the console to the viewscreen. The remainder of the Jones family had already made their way inside their home, eager to get back to their normal lives. He watched as Martha hugged Jack goodbye and turned to Rose, placing her hands on her shoulders. 

“You’ll take care of him, won’t you,” she asked. 

Rose tilted her head to the side. “As much as he’ll let me.”

“Don’t we both know that’s true.” Martha rolled her eyes and pulled her into a hug. “I’m glad to meet you, Rose. Don’t be strangers, yeah?”

“Don’t worry,” she replied. “I’ll make sure that we make it back every now and then.”

Martha stepped back giving one last glance to the TARDIS and turned her back. Both Jack and Rose watched, waiting until she was inside to walk back through those blue doors. They entered hand in hand, already taunting each other like a pair of siblings. When they stopped on the other side of the console, the Doctor used the central column to hide from Rose’s assessing gaze. 

“Where to next, Doc?”

“Cardiff,” he replied, already working the knobs around the console. The familiar wheeze of the TARDIS in flight filled the room. He reached across to grab a lever but instead found Rose’s small hand covering it. He looked up, eyes wide with surprise. “Oh, thank you.”

“Course,” she replied with a grin. “I do remember some things. So, why Cardiff?”

He shrugged, refocusing on the buttons. “The old girl could use some time to refuel and a few days rest while I get her back into tip top shape. That, and I figured Jack would want to see his team safely home before heading back onto the open road.” 

“You’re coming,” she asked, turning her bright eyes on other man with a grin before jumping into his arms. 

Jack spun her in a circle. “You couldn’t keep me away, Rosie.”

Her whoop of excitement devolved into a tinkling laugh. “Team TARDIS together again!”

The Doctor’s lips quirked into a smile as he watched them. Seeing them together again inside the TARDIS almost felt like coming home. They made a great team before, in what he liked to think of as ‘the good ol’ days’. The idea of being a team again was satisfying. His eyes lingered on Rose’s smiling face as she and Jack talked with animated movements. They relived past adventures, devolving into fits of giggles as he expounded about losing his clothes in one crazy way or another. All of his stories ended like that. He shook his head. They almost felt like a family. 

The Doctor’s brow furrowed. He had a family once, such as it was. They weren’t close; not like human families. Time Lord families were distant for the most part, preferring things well away from the realm of emotional connection. Humans were drowning in their emotions, ruled by them. He wasn’t sure which he preferred. One seemed more controlled and he was accustomed to that. He liked being in control but…the other, seemed honest, not exactly his specialty. 

Martha’s words whispered through his mind. _It’s actually a bit of a relief to see that you’re a more human than I thought._

Did he seem more human and was that a bad thing? It was a fair assumption to make…the Master certainly thought so, as would his other friends and family. His obsession with the human species had always confounded them and they made no secret of it. They just couldn’t understand his fascination but…look at them. These two had been through their fair share of pain and misery. Yet, here they were smiling, laughing, healing each other. They were a resilient species, filled with hope and promise. What shouldn’t be admired about them?

He made a rude noise in the back of his throat. Admiring was one thing but loving, needing, desiring…to the point where he couldn’t resist the temptation. That was something else altogether. That was…forget taboo; it was unthinkable. That he would ever consider consummating a mating bond…with a human. It should be abhorrent to him and yet, here he was, the last Time Lord in existence contemplating the unbelievable. He should feel ashamed, not _of_ Rose, never _of_ her. She was the very best that humanity had to offer. Her kindness, strength, and compassion were traits to which anyone should aspire. No, he should be ashamed of himself…his need…his weakness. Was this fair to either of them?

If she wasn’t aging, that opened up a new kind of future for them. The idea of being able to keep her forever was intoxicating but he knew that this shame would haunt him. It would creep up in his most vulnerable moments and only lead to hurting her. Was that fair to her? No, not when she should be admired, idolized…worshipped as a human man would know she should. Even if he tried, even if he fought against his feelings of disgrace to be everything that she deserved, he already carried buckets full of guilt where his culture was concerned. Was if fair to add to that, to twist his insides into tight knots over his loyalty to his people and loyalty to her? He was pretty sure that the answer to both of these questions was a resounding, no. The TARDIS reached her destination with a soft thump and the Doctor hung his head, the weight of confliction sitting heavy on his shoulders. He heard the rattle of his companions’ foot falls on the grating as they ran down the gangway.

“Doctor,” Rose prompted from the doors. 

He looked up brows raised. 

“Jack claims to have a pterodactyl.”

“Claims,” the man in question protested from behind her. “You wound me, Rose Tyler. I do have a pterodactyl and her name is Myfanwy.”

She rolled her eyes. “Myfanwy? Now I believe you even less.” 

“Well prepare to eat your words,” he replied, stepping through the doors.

“We’ll see.” She glanced back at the Doctor. “Are you coming?”

Her wide grin made his hearts clench with regret. He tried to keep it from showing on his face but judging by the furrow that appeared between her brows, he failed. “No. I have some things to do around here. You go ahead.”

She bit her lip, concerned by his refusal. “Are you okay? You’re not gonna take off, are you?”

“Do you still have your key?”

She lifted the piece of metal from around her neck.

“Then I can’t go anywhere, can I?”

She laughed. “I think we both know that’s not how it works.”

“Maybe not,” he agreed. “But I’m not going anywhere without you, Rose Tyler. I promise.”

She bit her lip, searching for the truth in his eyes. As last, she nodded. “Okay. See you in a bit.” 

He bobbed his head in answer and she slid out of the doors. The sound of them closing behind her echoed through the cavernous space like the ringing of the cloister bell. He plopped onto the jump seat, rubbing at his eyes. What was he going to do about them? The Doctor knew what she wanted from him and he wasn’t sure he could give it. He knew what he, against all his better judgement, desired above all things but didn’t think he deserved it. He groaned in frustration and stared up at the warm golden ceiling hoping it may provide answers, but none were forthcoming. He sighed. It wouldn’t do to try and make this decision with only half of the information. Rose’s scans were waiting for his review in the infirmary. Maybe they would provide enlightenment. He doubted that they would change the course that his mind had chosen but it was worth a look. He dragged himself to his feet and headed down the corridor, dreading Rose’s return. It would mean the end of a blissful day that he would treasure in his memory forever.


	23. To the Other Side of the Night (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor and Rose...work some stuff out?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so....I'm just going to hide behind my sofa while you read this. This took me ages to get right and, whereas I'm still not fully satisfied with it, it is as good as I think it's going to get. Let me know what you think....or just yell and throw things...your choice. Thanks for reading.

“I was sure I would find you buried under the console,” Rose remarked from the doorway of the infirmary, startling him from his thoughts. 

He whipped around to face her and air wooshed out of his lungs. She was leaning against the doorjamb, lit from behind by the hallway that made her glow like an angel. 

“Jack does have a pterodactyl. Which means he gets ten quid I don’t have,” she remarked with a smirk. “So, what’re you doin in here?”

Her coy smile made his cheeks twitch in response but when her question registered, his face fell. “Sorry,” he replied, rubbing at his eyes. “Something came up.” He met her gaze and raised a meaningful brow. 

She flushed and crossed her arms over her chest, staring at her feet as she took a step into the room. “I was wondering when that would come up. Look, I’m sorry that you had to find out about that through Jack.”

The Doctor rubbed at the back of his neck, unsure what to say. His immediate desire was to start interrogating her but knew from experience that wouldn’t go well.

When the silence between them became oppressive, Rose cleared her throat. “So, I guess you’ve been looking at the scans Martha took while I was unconscious?”

“Yes.”

“Find anything helpful?”

He sighed. “Not really. All I’ve managed to do is stare at the screen.”

Rose’s brow furrowed as she walked toward him and stopped between his legs. The Doctor’s arms came up to circle her hips without a thought but he resisted the urge to crush her to him. This was going to be difficult enough without sending mixed messages and yet, when she cupped his face in her soft hands, he couldn’t stop his eyes from falling closed or leaning into her warm touch. 

“What’s wrong,” she asked, concern coloring her tone. 

He almost whimpered, knowing that here, in this moment, he still had the chance to make a different choice. He could draw her down for a kiss, say ‘nothing’, and spend rest of the day wrapped in her comforting arms. It would be heaven for just one-more-day, but he knew that one day would lead to another, and another, and another, until he was too far gone. No, he had to stop this now. He raised his guilty eyes to hers and she sucked in a breath. 

“Oh,” she said in a small voice. “I guess it’s time to take the pin out, huh?”

“I’m sorry, Rose.”

She stepped out of his embrace and he had to fight against the desire to tighten his hold on her. She turned away and released a shaky exhale. Her mind was in turmoil but, when she faced him again, his hearts ached to see that an expressionless mask had fallen over her features. She _had_ learned well from him, his strengths and his bad habits. It was different though. Unlike the Doctor, she was hiding her pain from others, not herself. She felt everything and in turn, so could he. He felt the acute stab of anguish as real and vibrant as if it was his. It cut through her mind like a knife and made her throat burn with suppressed tears. Later, in her own room, she would collapse on her bed and allow the flood to break free but now, she just wanted to be strong. 

“It’s fine. I’m fine.”

“Rose,” he replied, his tone implying that he already knew the truth. 

She growled under her breath and flicked a tear from the corner of her eye with a knuckle. “Fuck. I hate this. I hate that I can’t hide this from you. I hate feeling naked while you get to shut me out.” 

“Does it help if I tell you that this is killing me?”

“No, it doesn’t.”

He huffed in defeat. “I have something that _can_ help, if you’re interested, but you’re not gonna like it.”

“What is it?”

He pulled a small golden object from his pocket and held it up between his thumb and forefinger. “Telepathic dampener like the one you used to wear. It will shut your mind off from me. I won’t be able to hear or feel anything.”

All the color drained from Rose’s cheeks as her eyes darted from his hand to his face. “You’re giving me a ring…to break up with me? That’s not normally how this works.”

He scoffed. “I’m not ‘breaking up with you.’ Come on, Rose.”

“What? Does that sound immature? Last time I checked I wasn’t the person cutting off someone’s telepathic sense just to keep them from knowing me.”

“JUST,” he snapped and then drew in a deep steadying breath. “Maybe if we block the connection it will fade away or dissipate.” 

“Being separated in two universes didn’t help but sure. Determined as you obviously are to be miserable, I’m sure you’ll find a way.”

“Do you want it or not?” 

She scowled at him. “Fine. Give it to me.”

He dropped it into her waiting palm and braced as she slipped it over her finger. He shuddered in disgust, ice slipping its way down his spine as the world around him seemed to dull to gray and her mind grew eerily silent inside his. There…he was alone again…fan-fucking-tastic. It was worse for Rose, she swayed on her feet. He jumped up to help her but she held out a hand, stopping him in his tracks. 

After several seconds, she shook her head and steadied herself. “There. Does that make it better?”

“No. It doesn’t,” he grated, his voice breaking on the last syllable.

Her eyes snapped to him and her lip quivered. The accusation in her gaze made him swallow, worried that she was about to unleash every ounce her female wrath upon him but, to his surprise, she didn’t. Rose drew her shoulders back and lifted her chin, resolve shining in her brown eyes before she made her way to the door. 

The Doctor’s brows drew down in annoyance, grabbing her arm as she passed. “Is that all? Everything you have to say?”

She jerked from his grasp. “What do want me from me? This is your decision. It’s not mine…it’s never mine. But I’m not going to beg for scraps of your affection. I’m not that girl…not anymore.”

“You were never that girl…Never, Rose.”

She scoffed. “Whatever. I’m not going to plead for you to be with me if you don’t want to.”

“Don’t twist my words. That’s not what I’m saying.”

“Then what are you saying, Doctor? For once, just look me in the eyes and be honest with me. Do you want me or not?”

He flushed with shame, knowing in his hearts that the answer was a resounding ‘yes, I do’ but he couldn’t say it. After several minutes, he turned away sighing, “It’s not that simple, Rose.”

“Isn’t it?”

“No! And I think you know that. Why else would you keep something so monumental from me? You are not aging and couldn’t find a single second to tell me? Why?” 

“Because I didn’t think it should matter and judging by the look on your face, you agree.”

“I guess that depends on what the truth is.”

“I never lied to you,” she protested. “I always told you the truth. I just didn’t tell you everything. It’s a distinction you should be familiar with.”

He tried not to wince at the veracity in her barb. “Maybe it’s time you told me.”

She shook her head. 

“At least let me take a blood sample,” he asked, trying to lead her to the exam table. “I need to run some tests.” 

“No,” she refused, wrenching her arm away and spinning from his reach. “No more tests. Do you have any idea what I’ve been through? Do you have any clue? I’ve been poked, prodded, tested, interrogated, shocked, sliced and dissected more times than I care to admit. I’m not doing it anymore. I’m not an animal and I’m not a fuckin’ science experiment. Whatever happened to me, happened. I can’t reverse or change it and I’m done trying to fight it. I just want to live my life and enjoy my freedom.”

“That’s…a lot of information,” he replied, rubbing at his forehead. “Rose, just tell me what happened to you.”

“No! M’not telling you anythin’,” she yelled, her growing agitation making her accent thicker.

“Don’t be stubborn,” he argued. “I need to run tests. What if your aging has resumed now that you’re back? There are dozens of variables here. I just need to-“

“No,” she growled.

“Then at least tell me what happened over there,” he stressed. “Please.”

She sighed, arms crossed tight over her chest, and looked down at her feet, running through her options. “Fine. I’ll tell you some things but not everything.”

“Why?”

She looked reluctant to answer him.

“Why,” he barked when his agitation got the better of him.

“Because,” she shouted back but then tempered her tone. “Because if I had to hear about the same things happening to you, it would break me. I couldn’t take it and, no matter how much of a prick you’re being right now, I can’t do that to you.”

This made him pause and his features softened. “If our positions were reversed, would that stop you from wanting to know?”

“No,” she whispered. The tear gathering at the corner of her eye at last slipped free of its bonds and slid down her cheek. She looked around the room, trying to keep from meeting his eyes. “Then do it for me,” she asked, voice cracking. “I can’t relive every vivid detail right now. I get enough of that in my nightmares.”

He considered her request. As much as he wanted to know, he wouldn’t put her through more pain than he already was…that would just be cruel. Tamping down on his curiosity, he swallowed hard and nodded. 

“Okay,” she agreed, and then pointed to the seat he vacated. “Can I sit?”

“Please.”

She took her seat and hugged her middle, looking small and fragile. He wished that he knew what was going through her mind but was aware that he had no right to ask. He eyed the glittering band on her ring finger. It mocked him with its very existence; both a relief and an annoyance. He could still feel her spot in his mind, but her inner workings were cut off from him. It felt unnatural, like an itch he couldn’t scratch. He wanted to know what was going on with her. He didn’t want her to hide anything or feel like she had to edit herself into some idealized version that would suit him. It would be pure fantasy to think that their time apart hadn’t altered her in some way. On the surface, she seemed like the same Rose Tyler but the changes were there if you paid attention. 

Her hair was darker, skin paler, lacking its normal pink hue. She was thinner, her cheekbones sharp under her skin and her jaw had lost some its roundness. Even the way she dressed was different, trading the bright colored tops and jeans for something darker that created a stark contrast to her pallor. Her makeup was muted, the thick mascara and eyeliner replaced with a more neutral palette that made her look sophisticated. She’d obviously done some maturing in the past years but you couldn’t find a single sign of aging on her face unless you looked at her eyes. They were the biggest change. They were no longer bright and shining with her normal brevity and mischief. They were dull, suspicious, and heavy with too much knowledge for her still few years. What had she been through? A cold feeling began to grip his hearts and he wanted to go to her side but wasn’t sure if she would welcome him. Instead he settled himself against the wall focused on her every word and movement. 

Rose swallowed. “To start, I think you should know that it’s been a lot longer than two years for me.”

He started. “How long?”

“Twelve.”

The Doctor sucked in a sharp breath. “Twelve? So, you’re…”

“Thirty-three,” she provided. “Yeah.”

His brow pinched. “I missed twelve years with you.”

“Yes and it felt like an eternity.”

“I can imagine.”

“Would you have forgotten about me in that time,” she asked, biting her trembling lip between her teeth.

“No, Rose Tyler,” he swore with an unwavering stare. “I will never forget you.”

Tears spilled from her eyes. She wiped them away with a quick flick of her hand and sniffed. “Anyway, when I first arrived in the other universe, I spent a lot of time in the medical wing at Torchwood. They were trying to pinpoint the source of my headaches and, in the process, discovered that I wasn’t aging.”

“How?”

She shrugged, fixing her eyes on the floor. “They took blood and tissue samples. I can’t remember now what tests they performed. I’m sure they told me but I was…distracted in those days. All I know is that they found no signs of cellular degeneration, like my cells were being rewritten to brand new every day. I didn’t age. I healed from injuries faster. My doctor thought it was fascinating but mum and Pete were devastated. I think mum cried more than I did. She thought it was so…unfair. 

But Pete, Dad, he saw trouble before it even started. Dr. Harper wanted to do more tests and research but was ordered to seal my medical record, FDEO ‘For Director’s Eyes Only’. It kept me safe…until Dad decided to retire about two years ago, my time, and I became Director of Torchwood. He was tired of the bureaucracy and the brick walls that he was coming up against. He wanted to spend more time with Mum and Tony.” Her shoulders drew up in agitation and her eyes flicked up to his, staring him down. “He didn’t just give the position to me though. I earned it. I led a team for years. I had the most experience, a great education, solid background…I deserved that position.”

“I believe you.”

She gave a mirthless chuckle. “Maybe you do, but others didn’t. There were quite a few male captains from other teams that couldn’t stand the idea of saying ‘yes ma’am’. It didn’t matter though. Torchwood is a publicly traded company in that world. My hiring was approved by the Board of Directors and for three years I ran Torchwood, remaking it into something that you would be proud of,” she remarked, bringing her red eyes to meet his. 

The Doctor’s lips twitched up in reluctant approval. 

She grew quiet for several seconds and her gaze resumed its fixation on the floor. “Torchwood, like many companies, was diversified. They did some consulting, research and development. They hired the best scientists on the planet to turn all their hidden alien junk into marketable products. And then about three years before I took the Director position, they decided to dip their toes into the world of private military contracting. They acquired a private company that was separate from the operations of Torchwood but financed by them. It was called Apedemak.”

His brow furrowed. “Naming a mercenary company after a warrior god? Isn’t that a bit cliché?”

She gave him a wry smile, brushing some errant strands of hair off her face. “Only if you know everything.”

“I don’t know why its significant,” he prompted. 

“It’s significant,” she replied with a weighty pause. “Because the company performed well and by the time I applied for Director, I was competing against the owner of that company for the position, a man named Thomas Rourke. He wanted to integrate the mercenary division under the Torchwood name, but Pete was against it…along with several other influential members of the organization. Apedemak was good for the bottom line but they were a risk. Our other branches worked _with_ governments, inside the law. Rourke…he didn’t care what he did, as long as it was violent and made money. In Pete’s opinion, they were a lawsuit waiting to happen and the idea died with my appointment.”

“Sounds like something he might take personally.”

She nodded. “And he did. He tried everything to get rid of me. He was ineffective, for the most part. I was good at my job. There was no real desire to change the status quo of things…until he found Dr. Owen Harper. I don’t know what he did to Owen, but I don’t blame him for giving me up. My medical file gave Rourke everything he needed to tear apart my careful back story. He convinced the Board that I was everything that Torchwood is supposed to be working against and the reason I softened responses to alien contacts was to benefit myself because I wasn’t human. He painted me as an alien infiltrator.”

“What happened?”

“I was stripped of my position and Rourke was put in charge. They tried to take me into custody the very next day. Thankfully, Dad still had some loyal contacts that warned us ahead of time. We were all on the run. Mom, Dad, Mickey, even Tony refused to let me go on my own but soon there was no choice. The only way to keep them safe was splitting up. Torchwood didn’t want them. They wanted me and I wasn’t talented enough to outrun Rourke forever. He was intent on finding me and he did.”

“Were you turned over to the authorities?”

Her eyes flicked up to his. “No. They were working under the assumption that I was alien and as you know, if it’s alien.”

“It’s ours,” he finished, grinding his jaw. “What did they do?”

“Well,” she said with sardonic smile. “I was an opportunity. There’s a lot of money to made in living forever. Can you imagine? How much would someone like Cassandra pay to never age?”

“And they thought you held the key?”

“Yep. At first, they thought it was something I could tell them, some secret that I could just whisper into their ear. Rourke was sure that he could get me to talk and spent months trying through one creative means after another.” 

The Doctor went very still, rage making his hearts hammer in his chest. “Torture?”

“I think he would prefer the term ‘enhanced interrogation.’”

He cursed, fisting his hands in anger. “I don’t care what he would prefer to call it. It’s disgusting.”

“Maybe, but I would take it any day over what happened next,” she said, skin losing any sense of color as she stared toward a memory that only she could see.

“What?”

“I was turned over to the R&D department, transported to high security medical facility where they…treated me like a guinea pig. I was the science experiment of their dreams. I lost track of the tests they performed. Some of the things they did…I…” Her voiced faltered. “I don’t think I will ever be able to…” She released a deep shuddering breath and when she next spoke, her voice sounded hollow. “They kept me for two years and then… after one very, very bad day, I…” Tears were flowing down her cheeks and dripping off her chin in a constant stream but her words were steady, even, quiet. “Everything hurt and my body started to go cold. It felt like a rock was crushing my chest; each breath was so…difficult. I closed my eyes and I thought…” She stopped, staring out with vacant eyes, brow pinched with pain. 

The Doctor felt like he might be sick. What had he left her to? “Rose?”

She jerked, startled from her memory. Her eyes met his and she shifted in her seat, taking a deep breath. “Next thing I knew, I woke up here.”

“Did you…” He couldn’t make his lips form the word.

“Die?’

He nodded. 

“I don’t think so. I’m here, aren’t I? Bedsides,” Rose replied, lifting her hand to trace over her breastbone. “I still had… injuries when I arrived here.”

“Injuries,” he asked with alarm. “What-“

She cut him off. “Don’t ask. I won’t tell you.”

“Why?”

“Because it doesn’t matter,” she croaked. “I’m home now and I’m fine. The rest is unimportant.”

“It is important, Rose. I need to know what is going on with you. I need to-”

“Are you still going to harp on those blood samples, really?”

“Yes! I need-“

“Fine,” she snapped and reached into the tray of equipment that he had already prepared on the table. 

“What are you doing,” he asked as she grabbed the rubber tourniquet.

She wrapped it around her arm and tightened with a snap. 

“Rose.” 

She picked up the straight needle and removed the cap with her teeth. She placed it against her skin and he was kneeling at her side in a second, pulling it from her fingers with a gentle touch. 

“Rassilon, Rose. Can you just let me help?” She watched him with intent sad eyes as he inserted the needle into her arm and attached the first tube. They sat in silence as it filled, vision locked on the flowing red liquid. He pulled it off and inserted the second. Once it was filled, he reached for a third. 

“Only three,” she instructed. 

“Four.” He glanced at her, hoping his eyes conveyed his staunch insistence. He would not be swayed. 

Rose sighed in exasperation. “Fine. Three, four, ten, one hundred, one thousand, what difference does it make?! My blood alone remains,” she said, and her warm clear voice seemed to reach inside him. “Take it, but do not make me suffer long.”

He held her dejected gaze. “Marie Antoinette.”

“Yes. I know that you’re not as familiar with her.”

He tried not to let her sharp tongue ruffle him. “Is that really what you want to talk about?”

“No. I don’t want to talk.”

He raised a brow. “Since when.”

“Since now.”

The Doctor shook his head and inserted the last tube. “It does make a difference, you know. The more samples I have the more tests I can run.”

“You can run all of the tests that you want. It won’t matter.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean,” she snarled. “That you could find a million examples of the fact that I’m not aging but it won’t change anything between us because that’s not your only problem.”

“And what is my problem,” he asked, removing the last tube and grabbing a cotton ball. He pressed it against her arm and slipped the needle free. “Put pressure there.” Seeing that she followed his instructions, he stood and dated each tube before putting them away in cold storage.

“It’s them,” she whispered. “Isn’t it?”

His shoulders tensed. “Who?”

“Your people,” she continued. “The Time Lords.”

He turned around, leaning against the cooler. “What about them?”

She stood to her feet, tossing the now useless cotton ball in the bin. “The Master said something to me that I can’t get out of my head.”

“Enlighten me.” He crossed his arms over his chest, affecting a coolly aloof attitude, but inside he was steeling himself for what was to come. 

This argument had not yet reached it’s crescendo. She was too perceptive and knew too much about him. Even with their minds separated, she could still read him with uncanny accuracy. It was to be expected. They had lived in close quarters for around three years and had countless arguments in that time. They knew what made each other tick and how to push exactly the right buttons. What they didn’t know, was their boundaries. His patience had lessened in the last two years. Loss and regret made him hard, uncompromising.

Rose scowled. “He said, “Do you know how far he would have to turn his back on his people you to give you what you want? How much of a disappointment he would have to become?’”

He tried not to show any reaction; even if inside he was cringing in shame and cursing his friends’ name. Did he really have to get involved? Did he really need to give Rose more insight into his inner workings?

She caught the twitch in his face, though, and her eyes widened. “That’s the problem, isn’t it? Now that withering and dying is off the table,” Rose said. 

“We don’t know that.”

“It’s because I’m human,” she continued as if he hadn’t spoken. “And they wouldn’t approve.”

“Is that a question,” he asked with a raised brow. “If so, then no. They would not approve of anything between us.”

“Since when did anyone’s approval matter to you?”

“It’s not about their approval.”

“Isn’t it? Because in all of your memories of them, that secret desire is always there. You wanted their approval, their acceptance and like any petulant teenager, when they refused it to you, you took off. You decided to show them how little you cared about their rules.”

“Stop. You don’t _know_ anything. You’ve stolen a look at a few of my memories and now you think you understand my motivations? I lost my entire species,” he snapped. “My planet burned. There is no possible way that you could understand that.”

She scoffed. “I don’t understand? I understand all too well. Need I remind you that I lost my entire universe? And then even when I found my way back, it was at the cost of my family? You don’t think I understand loss?!”

“I don’t think you understand what it is to lose the voice of an entire planet in your mind.”

“I know what it feels like to lose you in my mind. Yours was the only presence that existed. I know what it is like to have that severed, to have it cut from me with nothing left to take its place. That hurt. It was agony but it is nothing compared to facing you now and realizing that you are ashamed of me.”

“That’s not exactly correct.”

“Fine, you’re ashamed of what you feel for me.”

He didn’t answer but was sure the look on his face said enough.

A watery laugh bubbled up from her throat. “That’s a very thin hair to split.”

“Not really. One is your problem, the other is mine.”

“I don’t care. Either way, it means I’m an embarrassment to you!” She shook her head. “And why? Because of prejudice. You know, all those times you spoke with such disdain about other species, I thought it was just something you said. I didn’t think you actually believed it.”

“It _was_ just something I said. You know how I feel about humans, you’re brilliant and amazing and-“  
“Beneath you. No matter how else you may feel about us, we’re still beneath you. Look, I get it. Centuries of bigotry is difficult to overcome.”

“Bigotry? I’m trying to respect my people, my culture.”

“A culture that believes every other species is sad and simple and no better than animals?”

“No! But they did believe that we found a way to rise above primitive behavior. Carnal relationships just weren’t done.”

“But you said that some…”

“Yes! Some did, but it wasn’t considered acceptable. I told you that.”

“Why are you looking for their acceptance now? They’re not here!” She pulled back when air rushed out of his lungs. 

There was a small voice in his head that told him to stop. He felt exposed, raw, and nothing good could come from continuing this conversation but his bruised pride wouldn’t let him back off. “No, they’re not here. Thank you so much for reminding me, yet again. Not like it’s something I would soon forget.” 

“I’m sorry, but-”

“You really want to know the truth,” he pushed himself upright, shaking the appliance behind him, and took a step toward her. 

Her eyes were cautious but her tone had bite. “At long last? It would be a relief.”

“You ask me if you understand what I’m feeling. The answer is that you don’t. Not until you live with the reality that it was your hand that ended it. Not until you hear billions of screams in your mind and know that you caused every single one of them. I am all that exists of my species. I am all that exists of my entire planet, of my culture. I had to endure that loneliness for countless years, drifting from planet to planet…aimless… and then I found you. You gave me something new to believe in. I believed in you,” he choked out, tears gathering in his eyes. “And then you fucked off to another universe and left me alone.”

Her eyes, which had softened during his speech, now widened with outrage. “I didn’t fuck off to another universe! I was trapped there! There was nothing either of us could do.”

His temper was reaching new heights. It burned in his gut like acid. She was picking at exposed wounds, leaving them bleeding and, like injured animal, he lashed out. “It doesn’t matter. You promised me forever and then you were gone! You and this TARDIS were all I had. What was I supposed to do?”

She looked around, mouth opening and closing in incomprehension. “But I’m here, now. I’m here and I love you. I want to give you my forever that now, by some miracle, matches yours. So, why are you pushing me away if you need me as-“

“I DON’T NEED YOU! I haven’t needed you for two years now!” 

The second the words were out of his mouth he regretted them. He wished could grab them back, swallow them whole and let them waste away in his churning stomach. Instead, he saw the exact moment that they hit her heart like a well-aimed arrow. Rose sucked in a breath and staggered back, leaning her weight on the table at her back. The disbelief in her eyes matched his. How could he have said that? How could he have been so deliberately cruel? Her eyes searched his face and he saw her resolve shift. _She wouldn’t stay where she wasn’t appreciated. _ He had that thought only hours before but hadn’t headed it and now he could watch the decision take shape in her eyes. She turned toward the door and his hearts jumped into his throat, panic constricting his chest. 

He leapt to her side, grabbing her hand and pulling her to a halt. “Wait, wait, wait, Rose. I didn’t mean that, I swear.”

“Let me go,” she demanded.

“No, please. I swear to you, I didn’t mean that. Please Rose, don’t…don’t go.”

She turned back to him face contorted in anguish. “Why? Why do you even want me here?”

He tried to pull her into his arms but she resisted, pushing at his chest with ineffectual strength. “Because that was a lie, a vicious, pointless lie. I need you…just like I’ve always needed you,” he begged, cupping her cheek. “That’s what is so terrifying.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“I know, I know.”

“Then explain,” she demanded, giving up her fight and resting her balled fists against his chest. 

“I don’t know if I-“

“Try!”

He looked down into her wide wounded eyes and knew that convincing her would take more than some flippant platitude. Whatever he said, he needed to be honest. It was his only chance. “Rose, after I lost you…you’ve never seen me like that,” he replied. “But I was…I was adrift and so enraged. I was ready burn it all down. Ready to tear reality itself apart just to get you back, consequences be damned.”

“No,” she protested, shaking her head in disbelief. “No, you wouldn’t do that.”

“I know it may sound hyperbolic but it’s true. I wasn’t myself. I didn’t care about anything anymore. I just…I just needed to see you one last time and I didn’t care who I had to hurt to make that happen.”

“But everything’s fine…everything’s-“

“Only thanks to the TARDIS. She refused to land me anywhere. She kept us the vortex for months until I came to my senses. That’s when I found the crack and burned up a sun, just to say goodbye to you.” The memory made them both swallow hard. “Don’t you see? That’s why it was considered unacceptable by my people. That kind of need, grief, and rage makes me…dangerous. I’m scared,” he admitted, tears beginning to constrict his throat. “I’m scared of what I’ll become if I let myself need you any more than I already do. If I lost you again…”

Rose sucked in a shaky breath. “Okay, okay.” 

She pursed her lips and looked up at him, the compassion in her eyes stripping him bare. He’d never felt so vulnerable before her and knew that her next words could destroy him if she so chose. Her hands lifted and she linked her fingers behind his neck, pulling him down to press her lips to his. The Doctor almost collapsed with relief and he crushed her in a tight hug, whimpering against her mouth. He had forgotten what this felt like, to feel whole again, to allow her to heal all the little hurts in his hearts. Her touch was therapeutic but too soon Rose was pulling away. She didn’t go far though and remained in the tight circle of his arms. He rested his forehead against hers, their breaths mingling together between them. 

Rose released a shuddering sigh. “I understand. I understand why you’re afraid and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I left you alone.”

He shook his head. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“It wasn’t anyone’s fault. Love, you should know better than most that terrible things happen in this universe, for no rhyme or reason and even you, as magnificent as you are, can’t stop them. The life we live, I could be gone tomorrow but so could you. You’re not indestructible. You’re not a god. You can’t force the universe to fit your will and to try would only bring chaos. Sometimes you just can’t save everyone.” She licked her lips. “But there are days when everyone lives and there are days when you get a second chance. Those days should be celebrated. You can’t let the bad keep you from enjoying the good. You can’t let fear stop you from being happy or living your life. You taught me that. It was something that you used to understand. I understand that being separated changed us both but you have to try and find your way back to that. This life that you’ve chosen, it is filled with pain…and joy. You have to learn treasure those moments, to let them fill you up with hope for the future because if you live in the ‘what if’s of life, scared to reach out to the hand beside you, you’ll drive yourself mad.”

A soft sob escaped broke from his lips and he felt her words like a punch to the gut. “You don’t understand. Losing you, altered me. I don’t think I can…”

“Shh,” she cooed at him. “It takes time. Healing takes time.”

“You’ve healed me before. So, will you stay,” he asked, at last opening his eyes to find hers. “Try it again?”

She worried her bottom lip between her teeth. “I don’t know if it’s a good idea. I don’t know if I can go back to the way it was before.”

“Please,” he begged. “You said that you would stay. I can’t bear for you to leave now.” It was shameless of him to use that promise against her but he would use any advantage to keep her by his side. How hypocritical was he? He told her that he couldn’t be closer to her but couldn’t handle her leaving. It was wrong but unfortunately, didn’t stop him. 

She closed her eyes, sending twin tears down her cheeks. “Do you know what you’re asking of me?”

“I know. Rose, I’m sorry.”

“Shh,” she silenced him, running her thumbs over his lips. “No apologies. Just, think about what I said, yeah? Because this won’t be sustainable. I think you know that.”

His hearts leapt. “So, you’ll stay?”

“Yes,” she breathed, meeting his anxious gaze. “The TARDIS is my home. _You_ are my home and I don’t want to leave. I love you more than I can explain but you need to make a real decision here. You need to decide what we are. Do you love me? Do you want to be mine, the way I’m already yours? If the answer is no, you need to find a way to let me go. Think about that.”

The Doctor swallowed hard and nodded, knowing that her demand was justifiable. 

She mirrored the gesture, face fighting against a frown as a steady stream of moisture leaked from her eyes. Seeming to reach for an inner strength that he did not possess, Rose stepped out of his embrace. He didn’t want to let her go. The Doctor knew that she was fleeing him to purge her anguish in private and that tortured him. He didn’t want to let her cry on her own but understood that his presence would only pain her now. He watched her go, her shoulders shaking with suppressed sobs. He didn’t hear the first one escape her lips until she hit the corridor and it ripped his hearts to shreds. 

“Rose,” he heard Jack’s concerned voice sound from down the hallway. “What’s wrong?”

She didn’t stop to talk to him and disappeared behind the next corner. 

The Doctor’s shoulders tensed as the Captain turned the corner into the infirmary, a bewildered expression on his face. He wiped the moisture off his cheeks, refusing to meet the other man’s eyes. This was all he needed. It wasn’t enough that he had broken down in front of Rose. Now Jack could witness his humiliation, too.

“What happened?”

“Nothing that concerns you,” he replied, voice hoarse with emotion.

“The hell it doesn’t. You’re pushing her away again, aren’t you?”

“Please,” the Doctor begged. “I really don’t need your judgement right now, Captain.”

The obvious vulnerability on his face must have stopped Jack’s anger in its tracks because his voice became soft with compassion. “Whoa. Doc look, I’m not judging you. You’re both my friends. I want you to be happy and I know how happy you make each other. I just want to help.”

“Then will you still stay,” he asked. “I think we’re both going to need a friend.”

He shrugged. “Yeah, of course I’ll stay…until you two work things out. You won’t need me as a buffer after that.”

The Doctor released a hollow laugh. “I’m afraid you’ll be waiting a while.”

Jack smirked. “Nah. I give it two weeks…tops.”

“Why?” He looked into the man’s understanding blue eyes, hoping that he really had the answer. 

“Because Doc, you love that woman with everything you have. Anyone can see it and one day, very soon, you’re going to look at her and realize…that’s all that matters.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *peaks out* Are you done? Are you cross?
> 
> All jokes aside, I know that might have been an unsatisfying ending for some of you and I'm sorry about that. This is gonna be a series...a long series. I have at least five other stories in the works and a few one shots scattered in between. Look out for my upcoming one shot _Found Myself On the Wrong Side of the Door_ and the next chapter fic _My Hit and Run_. I just want to thank everyone for sticking with me through this story. Your comments and support have meant the world to me.


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